[Undecidedhubby]

Few years ago I had fall out with my better half (midlife crisis, intimacy issues leading to my infidelity) and we are on verge of separation (my spouse wants it). We have been co-existing and co-parenting since. We are almost 2 decades into wedlock and recently became empty nesters. I have been sober for about 3 years straight and obvious no physical contact. However, I grew up in a touch deprived childhood and miss the physical affection (even a hug) constantly and it’s breaking me up daily. What do I do? I feel there is no solution in sight ? Divorce/separation is not an option for us due to finances and legal reasons.

[Yaowen]

So sorry you are in that situation.

What are the pros and cons of staying or moving on? What values are most important you and what are of lesser or no importance?

Sometimes it can help to write things down on paper. It can sometimes help clarify things when one is torn between two opposite courses of action.

Wish I knew how to be helpful but sadly I am at a loss. Hopefully others here will see your post and respond with really helpful suggestions.

[Have Hope]

To clarify, is there no physical contact as a result of your infidelity, or did the lack of intimacy begin before you were unfaithful? I ask because an infidelity is MOST difficult to get past. Some people can, and many people cannot. So, if the lack of affection is due to the infidelity, then it will be very hard to get your marriage back on track. But if it began before then, there may be a chance through couples therapy. And why can't you separate/divorce?

[Undecidedhubby]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

To clarify, is there no physical contact as a result of your infidelity, or did the lack of intimacy begin before you were unfaithful? I ask because an infidelity is MOST difficult to get past. Some people can, and many people cannot. So, if the lack of affection is due to the infidelity, then it will be very hard to get your marriage back on track. But if it began before then, there may be a chance through couples therapy. And why can't you separate/divorce?

It began much before and obviously got worse after infidelity. Life got better of over the years. Tried to bring up this aspect several times over the years but no heed was paid it until it kept getting repressed and finally burst out in the form of infidelity. We have tried all kinds of couples therapy to no avail. We can separate although not legally as there is a legal need for us to stay married that decides our future in this country . Our current finances won’t let separate unofficially.

[divine1966]

Are you in a country Georgia or in the US state Georgia?

I’d think after decades in the country you have some type of legal status that won’t end because you got divorced? Of course I don’t pretend to know your situation.

Well why not separate unofficially? Just live your lives completely separately. You can even still live in the same house but lead separate lives. It’s not comfortable but it sounds like you have no other options

Most people don’t forgive infidelity. They say they do, but in reality they just decide to stay, often for just financial reasons. Deciding to stay with a cheating spouse isn’t the same as forgiving. So it’s likely not reparable at this point especially with a physical aspect.

I congratulate you on your sobriety. I wonder if years of not being sober contributed to your marital unhappiness

[Undecidedhubby]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Are you in a country Georgia or in the US state Georgia?

I’d think after decades in the country you have some type of legal status that won’t end because you got divorced? Of course I don’t pretend to know your situation.

Well why not separate unofficially? Just live your lives completely separately. You can even still live in the same house but lead separate lives. It’s not comfortable but it sounds like you have no other options

Most people don’t forgive infidelity. They say they do, but in reality they just decide to stay, often for just financial reasons. Deciding to stay with a cheating spouse isn’t the same as forgiving. So it’s likely not reparable at this point especially with a physical aspect.

I congratulate you on your sobriety. I wonder if years of not being sober contributed to your marital unhappiness

US state Georgia.
It wasn’t years of not being sober . I’ve been monogamous for most of my marriage for 2 decades until all doors were shut down on me, I stepped out . It may sound like an excuse but it’s not. I know intimacy is not everything in a marriage but it is definitely something one cannot live without as a couple , for me IMHO.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Undecidedhubby

It began much before and obviously got worse after infidelity. Life got better of over the years. Tried to bring up this aspect several times over the years but no heed was paid it until it kept getting repressed and finally burst out in the form of infidelity. We have tried all kinds of couples therapy to no avail. We can separate although not legally as there is a legal need for us to stay married that decides our future in this country . Our current finances won’t let separate unofficially.

So you're stuck in the relationship until you can figure out a financial solution that allows you to separate.

[divine1966]

If physical intimacy is important and it’s important for you in a marriage, then ending it might be the only solution. Obviously cheating wasn’t a solution as it’s typically not the way to improve one’s situation.

Maybe there are some ways to improve financial situation by getting second jobs, downsizing etc

If divorce could cause you to not be able to stay in the US, maybe the right person to ask for advice is immigration lawyer? Or any lawyer for that matter, they could give you suggestions.

You asked if you should stay or you should move on, but then you said you can’t separate neither legally nor unofficially and really can’t move on. So it sounds like you have to stay anyways.

Or were you really asking if you should have other relationships while married (since you can’t get divorced)? You could, if your spouse is on board. But you’d have hard time finding women willing to entangle with a married man.

So what exactly are your alternatives to just staying unhappily married and trying to improve your situation?

[Undecidedhubby]

Yes it is important. She is very supportive of my financial situation and everything else I have been doing for past 3 years as being sober but when its comes to topic of sex/dating while we are waiting to seperate, that's when things go south. Just for saying sake , she will vent and indicate Go ahead and sleep with whoever you want as long as it doesn't affect the kids. We are both stuck at this. I don't wanna do anything that will make it worse . Whatever I have put in for past 3 years in order to rebuild from ground up . But that ship has sailed . She senses we are not even connected emotionally so physically its no hope at all. Currently my only outlet to my physical needs are self pleasure and I use porn at times to give me that break from all this stress to which she objects but what are my options? Sad part is my SO thinks I am hypersexual and addicted to sex. She says she has needs too and where does she go?? she wont go and vent to a therapist . It's me to blame for everything and me to vent . I am trying to improve my financial situation by getting weekend jobs.

[Undecidedhubby]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

So you're stuck in the relationship until you can figure out a financial solution that allows you to separate.

Affirmative

[Rive.]

Originally Posted by Undecidedhubby

Yes it is important. She is very supportive of my financial situation and everything else I have been doing for past 3 years as being sober but when its comes to topic of sex/dating while we are waiting to seperate, that's when things go south. Just for saying sake , she will vent and indicate Go ahead and sleep with whoever you want as long as it doesn't affect the kids. We are both stuck at this. I don't wanna do anything that will make it worse . Whatever I have put in for past 3 years in order to rebuild from ground up . But that ship has sailed . She senses we are not even connected emotionally so physically its no hope at all. Currently my only outlet to my physical needs are self pleasure and I use porn at times to give me that break from all this stress to which she objects but what are my options? Sad part is my SO thinks I am hypersexual and addicted to sex. She says she has needs too and where does she go?? she wont go and vent to a therapist . It's me to blame for everything and me to vent . I am trying to improve my financial situation by getting weekend jobs.

You sound angry and placing the blame for not wanting to work it out on her shoulders. The truth is that you are the one who cheated. It seems she went through a lot of stuff with you *excluding* the cheating. So, can you blame her for feeling betrayed, let down, angry (or whatever else she may be feeling) and not wanting to vent to a therapist?! That is her right. Your decision was to cheat on her. Well, hers is to process this betrayal how she sees fit.


Saying "I’ve been monogamous for most of my marriage for 2 decades until all doors were shut down on me" does not make it any better. One, it means you cheated on her more than once. Secondly, IF there were intimacy issues, there were other ways to work on these than for you to cheat on her. Saying ''all doors were shut down on me'' again places the responsibility of *your* actions onto another i.e. her fault or 'she made me cheat'. You had a choice to stick to your wedding vows... or not. You made that decision. Nobody forced you to cheat.

So yes, the ship has sailed because she can no longer trust you. Credit to her for still supporting you and not wanting to jeopardise your future. But you ought to take some accountability for your actions. She is not the one who 'stepped' out on you.

[Mendingmysoul]

Lack of intimacy can be harmone related.A lot of spouses who are in long term marriages are lacking knowledge of female physiology,I think.They complain about less sex or lack of it when wives are in their 50s,60s,or70s.They feel rejected when sex is denied and complain wives donot love them anymore. LOVE=SEX on overdrive,they think.unfortunately it's not that women fall out of love.its that sex can be painful sometimes. I agree sex is important.But rather than handling situations with compassion they decide they have a right to cheat.Sad business.

[Undecidedhubby]

Thanks for your reply. To clarify: I came to her about all my exploits the day she found out and have been sober since . I never blamed her for anything and was only trying to be emphatic to her situation that I put her in. I take full blame and responsibility for my stepping out. But it takes to to tango . Yes it was my decision to cheat . The void was only physical. When I said all doors were closed on me .. This is after years of discussion, being attention to the topic. Till date I have never asked her to do anything that she doesn’t want to. We both love sex and it just died over the years . Brought up counselling multiple times to no avail. And now just because I pulled the trigger first , the entire blame is me for not worked on intimacy issues . This too I owner and attended couple therapy sessions but she continued to be stuck in the past . Finally I do respect her decision to separate and it will be amicable separation. Yes I am thankful and appreciate her helping financially although she is just lending me money which I don’t have problem paying every dime and penny back to her . She says she has emotional and physical needs too.. who should she go and sleep with?? I even told her if she had done what I did , I would forgive her but she has hard time believing me.

[Undecidedhubby]

Yes I agree to some extent on this perspective . This could be hormonal. But this means that we should go and seek medical help and not be stubborn and ignorant to the extent about doing anything and it’s starts hurting the relationship

[Mendingmysoul]

She says she has emotional and physical needs.Did you guys had any discussion about what her needs are and what is she expecting from you?.A lot of women feel inhibited and won't open up to partners in fear of rejection. What does she say if you suggest let's go to a gynecologist and get your hormones checked?There are solutions to every problem. Medical or not.

[Undecidedhubby]

She’s not interested because of hormonal or body /self image issues . I have even asked her family members to advice her to go for annual physical. Every single time , it’s a resounding “NO”

[Mendingmysoul]

If you don't mind sharing, how old is she?

[Undecidedhubby]

Late 40s

[Soupe du jour]

I can sort of understand a certain amount of financial reasons for forcing you to stay, but am unsure what legal reasons there could be. But I'm not asking what they are here. If you are empty nesters and both get no benefits from the relationship, I can't imagine why separating (living in different homes) is not an option. You could mutually agree to have "open relationships", unless you have some religious reason not to. I can't imagine why your wife wouldn't be wanting some more fulfilling relationship, too...possibly with someone else.

[Undecidedhubby]

Legal reason being immigration to USA getting screwed up. Asked her long back about open relationship or open marriage and she said “no way in hell”. it too much for her to absorb coming from an orthodox conservative . I have offered all possible options on the table.

[Soupe du jour]

Not sure if the immigration issue is yours or hers, but why not solve it by applying for citizenship? Has the one with the immigration issue been in the country for a while? I know some immigration difficulties in the US (if that's where you are) are tough. An immigration lawyer can help. My husband's best friend is an immigration lawyer. My husband is a naturalized US citizen. If I wanted, someday I could possibly be a Czech citizen, if I learned the language well enough...after a set number of years. We now live in Europe, but my husband and I lived together in the US for most all of our marriage, though my husband had become a US citizen before we originally met. Anyway, just wondering if you (or your wife) has thought about what may need to be done if you do end up splitting, or otherwise not being together anymore. No one should be trapped in a bad marriage forever.

[Undecidedhubby]

Citizenship.. I wish. Not there yet. We are waiting on permanent residency(greencard if you have heard). Immigration lawyer won’t help much and costs $$$. Agree no one wants to be stuck in bad marriage.

[UnawareBS]

Originally Posted by Undecidedhubby

Few years ago I had fall out with my better half (midlife crisis, intimacy issues leading to my infidelity) and we are on verge of separation (my spouse wants it). We have been co-existing and co-parenting since. We are almost 2 decades into wedlock and recently became empty nesters. I have been sober for about 3 years straight and obvious no physical contact. However, I grew up in a touch deprived childhood and miss the physical affection (even a hug) constantly and it’s breaking me up daily. What do I do? I feel there is no solution in sight ? Divorce/separation is not an option for us due to finances and legal reasons.

Why don't you give it a try and do so by engaging in contact that is physical?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by UnawareBS

Why don't you give it a try and do so by engaging in contact that is physical?

If his wife doesn’t want physical contact, then it would be non consensual.

[Mendingmysoul]

Dear OP,
What I understood is you have an immigration problem and your financial situation is not good.Your wife wants to divorce you and you also are not happy in this relationship. If you divorced her like she asked for what would happen?Do you have to go back to your country?I see you are in a complex situation.