Trying to move forward

When we are young we tend to be idealistic and naive. That means one can miss important red flags that can spell trouble in the relationship.

I am so sorry to hear how your children are struggling. Children genuinely struggle when a parent is inconsistent and controlling and disordered.

I do think you should see if they struggle with ADD/ADHD as that is most definitely hereditary. There are things those who struggle can learn to help them manage the challenges that present with ADHD. The key is to find out what the person is most passionate about and can engage in where they can be hyperfocused and happy.

People with this challenge tend to struggle with producing dopamine and are very prone to developing alcohol use problems because of how alcohol produces dopamine. I can’t say enough how high the percentage of ADHD individuals are in the AA rooms. There is almost 60% chance of developing AUD. So education and early coaching is crucial.

For your oldest and even you one thing you can do to raise dopamine is when you shower at the end turn the water temp to cold and stand for a little bit under that cold water. That actually helps bring a rise in dopamine. Also find a place you can go swimming as that too shocks body temp and provides an active way to burn off adrenaline. 😉

Counselor said...

Daughter is extremely emotionally attuned. She's been on edge for years trying to read the emotions in the room. That has led to a problem turning thought to action.

Counselor also said she suspected for years that daughter was dealing, not with anxiety, but with complex ptsd, and was trying to glean out the root of it.

Given that your daughter is the youngest child, yes, I can believe she can see emotional challenges but never had the skills to be able to do anything about it. Yes, it’s very possible she may have some complex ptsd challenges.

I was the youngest myself and struggled with seeing how my sister hated my older brother and I did not like how my father picked on my mother and I knew my mother tried very hard to be a good mom. (This can happen in reverse where the dad gets put down even though he tries very hard). Children do not have the social skills or power to do anything.

Best thing my mother ever did was talk my father into giving me a pony. That gave me important positives. All these years later it has finally been recognized the true therapeutic value horses can have for individuals with all kinds of challenges. We now have two amazing horses we let a top therapeutic facility use for therapy horses for all kinds of challenges including helping war vetrans who struggle with ptsd.

Idk where you live but you could see if there is a place near you that you could get your daughter involved with. Summer is just about here and worth exploring for a possible summer activity.

That's terrible .

Since it's probably become second nature for her to automatically read the room, it probably makes it that much harder to stop?

Poor kiddo. Hopefully with time and feeling safe, that can be brought under control?

Hugs for you too, RD. Many parents would not be so responsive to their childrens' needs. Your care and concern, when you undoubtedly have lots of other things on your mind, is inspiring.

Inspiring is a big word.

I just want to help them break the cycle.

It's made me become the source of stability for them, and try to rise to that occasion. Which has kind of been CBT for me. Me reassuring them we're ok, and we'll be even better as we move forward has forced me to think and act like that.

You're doing great. For them and for you.

I can't tell you how many kids I've seen whose parents are so self focused- especially if the parent is dealing with other problems- that the kids get lost in the mix and are left to deal with life on their own. Their needs don't get met. It's not always the parent's fault, they're overwhelmed by their own life. The amount of things you're managing and juggling for the sake of yourself and your kids is really awesome.

I'm a good dad.

That was something I'd say during times my wife was totally berating me. In part because there was no counter to it. There is value in me because I'm a good dad. I work at it. I try to change my message to connect with each kid. I spend time doing things they like because I like seeing them happy. I HATE fishing... But I go all the time because they like it. I listen to them and let them educate me about their interests. If you want to be loved and respected by a child, listen to them. Kids are dying to have an adult's attention.

I've always held them and touched them and kissed them. My son is a big strong young man, and he bends so I can kiss his head. Nurturing matters. Coaching matters. Being an example matters. Playing with them matters. Having inside jokes matters.

You understand some very important things that many parents are blind to. The things you do, that you don't necessarily want to do, are incredible bonding moments.

My DH has only ever engaged with DD when it's something that interests him. He failed to learn about her and honor who she is as a person. Now, as she has gotten older, they have very little bond, and he doesn't seem to understand why.

You are indeed a very good dad. And a good person too.

Well.... That's another big statement.

ArmorPlate, I don't know how you do it. I don't know how you're still living in that situation.

But I guess, if she hadn't decided to leave I would be too.

A parents job is to help their child discover who they want to be and feel safe to explore.

The lack of accountability on my wife's part is what I am dealing with as we enter this process. Not only that, but she refuses to tell me what I am doing wrong in her eyes, and gets upset when I try to express what actions of hers are challenging. How they make me feel.

I brought back a thread about alcoholism and what it does to relationships so that members can learn some things about how this problem takes hold and how a spouse or parent or family member or even a friend can be in denial and hide the fact that they have a problem.

It’s not your fault that a spouse or family member continues to drink/drug. It’s VERY hard when you love someone that has addiction problems.

What is so heart breaking is seeing how the children often go down the same path also becoming alcoholics/addicts.

If you are dealing with a spouse that has AUD or SUD they will blame you and tend to refuse to be accountable for their addiction issues. Tons of drama and blame and little to no accountability.

For those of you who have been through this, how long did it take you to feel like eating, getting sleep, and not feeling nauseous every day?

I’m sorry @Lost In WIsconsin I just noticed you are a new member and clearly very distressed. Maybe it would be more helpful to you if you start your own thread in this relationship forum. You can use what you shared when you introduced yourself as a new member.

What I can say is that a partner can struggle with a lot of insecurity and get very threatened very easily and behave in very dysfunctional ways. It can take time to sort through along with all the uncomfotable feelings one experiences themselves.

When you struggle like this it typically means your relationship revolves around another person who was so insecure that they needed all the control.

It means it’s time for you to learn how to live for yourself and that you probably were raised to think it was your job to make your parent happy. That if you failed to do things their way you were punished. A parent is supposed to help you discover YOU, unfortunately too many parents fail at understanding how to parent.

I completely agree with Open Eyes. Having lived like this for years, having been physically sick, please take this advice and insight.

Lack of accountability and the distress that is inflicted on you, probably through guilt, are bad signs.

RDMercer

Extremely well said.

Please do start a new thread, if you'd like, and let us know a bit more of what you are dealing with, Lost in Wisconsin.

My husband also does not take responsibility for anything. Even when he recognizes that he's done something bad, it's somehow not his fault. It can be mind numbing to watch him twist facts to suit. You are definitely not alone. I've done a lot of codependency work to learn to not be 'other centered.' and it's tough, because the more I take care of myself, the more I'm accused of being selfish. As Open Eyes said, we've been conditioned to do this for them and to ourselves.

I'm trying to go totally no contact. Nothing at all.

I've given up on any sort of reasonable interaction.

Well.... Not true. I keep wishing for a reasonable interaction, but the evidence to date says it's not happening.

I'm hooked on pursuing her.

I'm also hooked on apologizing and pleading for peace and closeness.

I'm feeling a lot of guilt. I'm wishing I could go back in time and not cause the narcissistic injuries I caused.

RDM

Thanks ArmorPlate

I'm hugging you back!

Feeling guilt is part of healing and grieving. Narcissistic individuals don’t think about how their behaviors contributed to a relationship failing. Instead they double down and site any errors they can find and they even rewrite history saying you did things you did not do.

What you chase is the illusion you created and this is common in those who believed the narcissistic individual had cared more than they did. Disordered individuals can have very narcissistic/selfish behavior patterns. That is why alcoholism/addiction problems are considered very narcissistic and toxic.

Any time you have doubt and think you could have changed or fixed her, look at your children that she has hurt and traumatized so much.

The dribs and drabs of affection that she might have given from time to time are forms of intermittent reinforcement--the most difficult type to free yourself of.