Dating After Abuse and Dealing With Life Changes

Well, the financial statement includes a field for a "pending" inheritance. I don't think all future potential inheritances are considered.. only pending and soon to be fulfilled inheritances, like in my husband's case. His mom died last fall, so he would have known then that he was going to inherit some money. And the money just recently arrived in his bank account.

Yes that’s why maybe it’s tricky looking into inheritances. If they say he has to share his and she has to share hers, then it’s a different story. It’s just fishy to me that it happened while they are still married

A real sticking point for me is that our lawyer told me it wasn't necessary to tell the judge I had lost my job and income. He certainly was NOT acting on my behalf or protecting my interests.. he was protecting my husband's interests and this makes me irate. Serves me right given who I chose for a lawyer, yet I had NO choice at the time because I had no funds to pay another lawyer. IF i had told the judge that I lost my income, perhaps the outcome would have been different. Is it now too late to pursue this legally, after we've already had our divorce hearing and after the judge approved our divorce agreement? I don't know... I am trying to ask lawyers for free online this weekend.

But you aren’t officially divorced yet? And at the time of the hearing you didn’t know husband got all that money. Did your lawyer reply to you?

True enough!!

No he hasn’t replied. My sister said I can request a copy of his financial statement from the court next week, rather than trying to rely on our lawyer for this.

Yup that’s might be the best

I don't know how I feel right now about what I am doing: what do people think?

Here are the facts:

1. His mother died in Oct, right after we separated, and we filed for divorce in late Dec.
2.. I never saw my husband's financial statement, which should have included mention of a pending inheritance. My lawyer never offered this to me, but should have.
3. My lawyer misled me to believe it wasn't important or necessary to tell the judge I had lost my job when we saw the judge in March.
4. My husband coincidentally and very conveniently received 180K in his bank account from the inheritance AFTER our divorce hearing had passed, in April.
5. I am now looking into alternative legal representation to learn what my legal rights are around the inheritance because I've lost my job and income and waived my rights to alimony.

I am angry that my lawyer advised me against telling the judge I lost my job - he told me it "wasn't necessary", when I asked if I needed to tell him. And, I suspect that my lawyer and husband wanted to hide this inheritance from me somehow. Why wasn't I shown my husband's financial statement? And was the inheritance included on it?

Is it wrong of me to pursue this legally? A portion of his inheritance, IF in fact, I have legal rights to it as his wife?

This is going to absolutely enrage my husband, once he finds out. I know that I cannot let that stop me, but it will create enormous conflict between us again, and likely he will never wish to speak with me again, which is just fine with me.

But what do people think, assuming I DO have legal rights to this inheritance? Remember that I legally waived alimony in the divorce agreement, which the judge approved. In hindsight, I should not have waived that right, and the judge should have been told that I lost my job.

I suspect FOUL PLAY, which is my sticking point over this.

Well I don’t know if you legally or even morally speaking entitled to any of the inheritance.

But it’s not the point. The point is she died in October and you field for divorce in December. He knew she left money and said nothing. I am sure. She died prior to filing so you were very much married.

You didn’t see his statement and lawyer advised you wrong.

The other point is that he was perpetually broke (wasted money on pot and bars?) for the duration of your marriage and it put burden on you. You have no savings and id say partially because you didn’t even equally contributing spouse. In the light of it all I feel that he owes you money. Not saying it had to be inheritance money. But some type of money

. But judge might feel otherwise. Although judges don’t like liars. And just because of that he might make different rulings in your favor

You might also add to it that up to the days when mom died, he played a tube of how she’s destitute and has nothing so naturally you assumed she left nothing. Again a lie.

Add to it that he kept offering you money (which he supposedly didn’t have) in exchange for sex or dating or what other baloney. So he knew about the money early on

Your husband being enraged is irrelevant. There should be zero concern about that and why would you ever want to keep in touch? Not speaking again sounds like a plan.

Conflict between “US” is something you need to give a thought about. There is no “US”. You are divorcing, aren’t related, have no children and have absolutely no reason for there still be US. There’s no need to argue and have endless confrontations with him. You have to go through legal channels only and stop talking to him.

Thanks divine!

I don't wish to keep in touch with him AT ALL, which is exactly WHY I refused his offer of 10K.

Given the fact that he offered me 10K DIRECTLY FOLLOWING me asking him direct and pointed questions about when he knew about the inheritance money, and whether it was included in his financial statement, gives rise to suspicions of foul play for me.

By suddenly offering me 10K, he most likely wants to shut me up about his inheritance while positioning himself as being generous while he’s actually gaming me....

I am not after money for the sake of money... I am after justice and fairness, given that I've lost my job and waived my rights to alimony. Had I been properly legally represented, I am sure that the right attorney would have protected my interests far better, encouraging me to ask the judge for alimony, and also inform the judge that I lost my job. This did NOT happen and I was NOT fairly represented in the legal process. Our lawyer, my husband's good friend, protected my husband's interests and screwed ME OVER.

THIS is precisely WHY I wish to pursue this legally.

Do you want your ex to profit from your mother's death? It is legal and equitable in your state that you recieving HIS INHERITANCE means he is ENTITLED TO RECIEVE SOME OF YOURS. You don't have to like your states laws, but the judge decides how you will follow them.

Get a second opinion about what the mediation lawyer actuallY ADVISED you. A mediation lawyer is NOT THE SAME as a divorce lawyer. You recieved advice from a MEDIATION LAWYER and took that advice. Only another attorney can tell you if it was bad LEGAL advice.only an ETHICS review panel can decide if it was unethical advice.

A judge asked you if you reviewed your exes financial statement. You said you did when you didn't. Decide how you will explain that to the judge because the judge will ask why you lied. Your reason for lying may not matter at all and accusing them of purposely hiding it from you has a legal consequence regardless of if you are right or wrong. A judge will decide who is right and who is wrong.

A judge must apply the law and your states legal standards whether you like it or not. You need your own divorce lawyer. You CHOSE not to consult with one because you didn't have money. You were advised by several people to talk to an attorney (offered payment plans, free consultations, etc). You chose to not do that until now., so wait until Tuesday and talk to an attorney who can advise you.

You asked what people think, so I will share what I think. I think you made choices you need to live with and close this chapter of your life. I think going after his money now is because you are afraid of not having money. I BELIEVE your ex husband will tell everyone he speaks to that you went after this money because you are **insert negative point of view** because he knows it will hurt you for many years to come. That's my judgement of him based on what you have presented.

Rollercoaster makes good points. If going after his inheritance means he’ll go after yours then it’s not advisable. I thought it made a difference because they are married now and it happened during their marriage.

Not having your own divorce attorney is never a good idea. And not reviewing his financial documents and telling judge that you did was a mistake. Was it again because you wanted to keep it amicable and didn’t want your husband upset? This amicable crap is nonsense. Keeping this dude happy seems to cause multitude of problems

I think the best is to talk to actual attorney, your own. Explain what happened and let him or her advice you

I’d not care he’d tell everyone who listens she is after his money. They don’t work together, don’t have mutual relatives and don’t have children. Who’s he going to say it to and why would anyone care

They go to the same bars. Oh who cares. People don’t like to listen to men biatchjng about their ex wives and why is it even matter. Most people hope described they associate with at those venues are a total mess themselves so what they’ll know she is after his money. How important are their opinions?

@RollercoasterLover, thanks for your thoughts..

A few corrections: my mother has NOT died, so my husband is NOT entitled legally to any potential inheritance that I MAY get many years from now, IF there even IS any inheritance.

I mistakenly THOUGHT that I had reviewed his financial statement. I was in a brain fog through our separation and during our divorce hearing and simply had made an innocent mistake. The paralegal I spoke with yesterday said this is enough grounds to reopen the case, given that I later realized that in fact, my lawyer never sent me my husband's financial statement and I had never actually seen it.

I do not care what my husband's reaction will be to this. If he tries to smear me with our mutual friends, I have an argument that he deliberately hid this money from me and that I was not fairly legally represented or advised. I lost my job.. I should have claimed alimony and did not and was not legally advised well. I should have been.

And your statements about it being my choice to not pursue other legal representation? How was I supposed to know I would lose my job or that my husband was inheriting money? I could not predict these circumstances ahead of time when we hired his friend as our lawyer. I thought it was a pretty easy, straight forward, and cut and dry divorce whereby I had nothing to protect... it's only in hindsight and given the changes in my financial circumstances whereby I now need FAIR legal representation.

My mind is made up - I think it's reasonable for me to pursue this legally and that my husband and his lawyer friend have committed foul play.

I am going to do just that. I am seeking consultations now and will proceed from there.

I no longer care about keeping things amicable. My husband berated and abused me over the phone yet again the other day and I am once again in a place of zero tolerance for the abuse.

See what the lawyer says. Actual lawyer in your area.

Yep, I am... a law firm responded to me yesterday and I should hear from them again tomorrow. I gave them the legal docket number so they can see my legal divorce paperwork and we will go from there.

That's the thing about choices and perspective... no one ever knows what the future will bring. I think you are limiting your perspective and not thinking about future consequences. My advice is to not guess what those consequences might be. Get good advice from a decent attorney and know the choice you are making before you make the choice.

I agree in terms of getting good legal advice now from an alternative attorney and making well informed educated decisions from here on out.

I am thinking of all angles and consequences... so I disagree with you on that.

And.. let's look at other facts.

My husband went ballistic on me when I asked about the legalities of his inheritance and when he knew about it... BALLISTIC, yet he instead and immediately offers me 10K. He's clearly trying to shut me up, pay me off and cover something up.

And WHY did he receive this inheritance so conveniently after our divorce hearing had passed? Was that deliberate?

And lastly, WHY did his lawyer advise me not to tell the judge that I lost my job? Because he was protecting my husband's interests! It's all so obvious and highly suspect.

I am/ was a victim of abuse in this marriage, yet I chose to pursue a no-fault divorce because abuse is so very difficult to prove, it's far more costly and lengthy to have a fault divorce in my state, and I wanted the divorce to happen as quickly and as painlessly as possible.

My husband is trying to pull a fast one on me, and he is NOT going to get away with it...

he has gotten away with many lies, with cheating and with abusing me and with manipulating me.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH AND I AM NOT SITTING BACK OR TAKING HIS ABUSE, LIES AND DECEPTIONS ONE SECOND LONGER.

Good move to talk to this lawyer. You should write down your main points and have it ready because they will only talk to you for a short call or meeting in person. They won’t look up your divorce case unless you hire them and pay them a retainer. But they will give you information about where you stand legally and whether hiring them to help you now is worth it.

You shouldn’t call the lawyer you are using “your lawyer, our lawyer”. They are a lawyer but acting as a mediator. A mediator is supposed to be an impartial party not representing either of you. If you had your own lawyer, they would have told you not to even agree to use your husband’s friend as the mediator because they have a conflict of interest being his friend. IDK if they were unethical or broke the law in what happened with you. More important than that though, let this new lawyer help you with what you should be getting/giving in your divorce.

Thank you, Tisha.

The paralegal I spoke with from a law firm asked for the court docket number. So I assume that means they will look up my case, even without paying them yet.

I do wonder if our hired mediator broke the law or whether the conflict of interest would be legally deemed as unethical. I will find out.

I think it's good you will talk to a lawyer about this. I know you, and therefore I know that you are not a gold digger or even a money-centred person. A lot of women would not even have considered being with a man who made less money than them in the first place, or who spent too much, or whose income was not secure. Let alone paying for the marriage and honeymoon.


My point is that I understand why you didn't try for alimony or focus on his finances. And of course due to the biased legal advice.


You are 100% in the right in pursuing legal advice regarding his inheritance. I think he may have lied about his mother's financial condition, and that he knew he was getting that huge amount of money, and that is despicable if true. Ethics of whether you are "entitled to his future inheritance" seem weird here - we're not really talking about the future. We're talking about what he knew while you were still married, and if he declared it as he should have. And that he has received it while you are still legally married. And he knew that you lost your job. Ugh, what a jerk.

Mediator being your husbands friend is unethical imho but having said that there’s not much you can do since you agreed to it. It wasn’t forced on you. Friends and relatives could be your lawyers and mediators and whoever else but you don’t have to agree to it. Clearly a friend is not a neutral party.

Legal advice from a lawyer who is no one’s friend is the smartest move. If they say you have no rights here then at least you know you tried. I now think that he knew about money all along because he started offering you money in exchange of dating pretty early on in a divorce process. What money? He supposedly had none. He even offered to buy condo. Again with what money

Take emotions out of it.

Tell the lawyer sequence of events.

In October his mom died. For the duration of your marriage he told you she is destitute. He told you nothing of any money after her death but he soon after started offering you money in exchange for dating. He supposedly had no money

In December you filed for divorce.

In January you lost your job. He harassed you about dating him so much showing up unannounced amd offering money if you date him and you were upset that you lost your job so were in a fog the whole time. You didn’t see financial statement.

He continued offering you money in exchange for romance and intimacy. Again he supposedly had no money

In March mediator-his lawyer friend- advised you not to disclose to the judge that you lost your job and struggle to pay your bills. You asked him and he advised not to

Your spouse disclosed to you (while pleading for you to come back to him) that he has a lot of money and he wants you to come back to him and he showed you how much he had. When questioned about why and how he had all this money all of a sudden, he became ballistic and aggressive. Later on he offered you 10k

Maybe you aren’t entitled due to short marriage but at the very least this dishonesty has to come forward and I believe judge needs to know

Also if it’s not actual inheritance but life insurance. Beneficiaries know about it. Of course they do. It’s not a secret. He didn’t want you to know

Thank you @Samicat! I appreciate the fact that you already know me very well and that you know I am not a money hungry gold digging type of character. It's not who I am at all. This is about what is right and wrong in the eyes of the law.

And I think at the very least, he knew about the full inheritance amount at the time of her death, and perhaps even beforehand when they knew she was dying in Aug/Sept.

Agreed- we're not talking about any future inheritances. We're talking about 1, and a current one.

Thanks so much for your supportive and caring reply!