Dating After Abuse and Dealing With Life Changes

He knows that my ex cheated on me, but he doesn’t know my whole history with multiple unsavory men. He told me today that he was taken by surprise, but not offended. I explained that I just didn’t know, since he was meeting people.

People spontaneously hook up on trips and vacations all the time. It happens. Now if you’ve been with someone a long time and are committed, then I could see how it could be offensive. But not when it’s early on in the relationship and when you just don’t know.

People in their 50s hook up with strangers on vacations? I don’t think it’s that common. Maybe very young folks. I am not a prude at all but it sounds a little crazy. Like they just have sex with strangers? In our age? Dang. Then they end up on the news. It’s a sure way to end up in a ditch with no wallet and STD or dead

Well I guess you are right that you just don’t know but like there are types that I just can’t imagine would do that. Like the last thing I thought when I’ve met my husband (before commitment) is that he’d go spontaneously sleep with a stranger. What the heck for. He just so not the type. Is this guy seems the type? Just hook up after he says he wouldn’t?

I guess I am mistrustful, after all my experiences. I probably should have kept my mouth shut, but it just kind of popped out.

It’s all right. I think it might be better to be somewhat mistrustful rather than too trusting. Sometimes I just wonder if you always go for the same types.

I may?? He seems different though.. I’m not seeing any red flags for abusive or controlling behaviors. He’s been respectful of me. Easy going. Sweet and generous. I do like him. But yeah I’m gonna be a bit mistrustful for a while until I can get to know him better.

A friend died yesterday morning. My entire music community is mourning the loss. She was a most precious and kind soul to everyone she met in our community. She will be sorely missed. I have multiple pieces of her jewelry, that she made. I wrote a poem in honor and memory of her. She fought cancer for 3 years, but lived out her greatest desires in those years, she fought with such courage and strength, and with a smile on her face as she continued selling jewelry, and traveling out of state to see bands she loves. John Mayer and Bill Kreutzmann, of Dead and Company, gave her a shout out due to a show that had been canceled, that she had gone to great lengths to see. Her friends and our music community had donated funds so she could attend this show. She was interviewed by Rolling Stone magazine. She is an inspiration to me to live with courage and strength, most especially during times of the greatest adversity.... she was 50 or 51 years old. Her last words quoted were that she would see the band this summer at their final show, their final tour. Well, she didn't make it that far, but she did see the band in Mexico and filled some of her bucket list while still here. She is a model for how to thrive, despite adversity and sickness.

My poem for her:

Love is everywhere
Find yourself first
Love yourself
Be kind to yourself
Give yourself a big hug in times of trouble, you can make it through
Live your best life and fulfill your greatest desires and dreams, even in times of adversity and strife
Love others and do unto others as you would have done unto you
Be yourself at all times
Value your inner wisdom and it will always guide you
Find your strength and be courageous
Smile at the world and the world will smile back at you
Love prevails and never fails

On a separate note. I had a lesbian female look at my apartment yesterday and she wants to move forward. She's only 29! And tells me her father will be sending me her rent every month. Her FATHER! She has relatively poor credit, in the low 500's and may not pass the credit check, so again, she says her father can co-sign. She has depression and ADD, and is on meds for both.

I just don't think so. I want someone older or closer to my own age, who doesn't need to depend on their family for money. My landlord is now requiring a lease for the new person, 12 months. I don't want to get stuck with someone who has depression and ADD and who could end up dragging me down sometimes. I want someone healthier than ME, someone stable and who doesn't have any mental health issues.

I am not yet desperate - now I am looking for a June 1 move-in date. I think I will tell her no.

Is it common to reveal your sexual orientation and mental health issues when you first meet a potential roommate? I mean I can see the orientation more just because it could be awkward if someone is prejudiced, but it almost sounds like they were "warning" you, like the ADD or depression is going to be an issue. And does she work or is a student? Is she on disability? I mean I've been on disability several times but I've paid my own rent since I was 19.

I don't think you are wrong to be skeptical. It sounds like the rent will be paid, but you might end up being a babysitter.

Not so common.. or at least, this is the first time I've run up against this. I smell potential troubles all around, especially with the father paying rent. She does work - she is a therapist with autistic kids. But she mentioned anehondia condition, or however it is spelled? Where you lose ALL interest in anything enjoyable? I don't want to take this on in my home. I am now trying to figure out how to tell her "no"? I asked my landlord about the whole father issue.

Therapist needs her father to pay her rent? Strange.

ADD and depression wouldn’t be an issue for me in a roommate. Not like we have to be friends. But even then ADD isn’t even a big deal and is extremely common. If however she cannot pay bills, I’d not want her as roommate. What if something happens to her father? You’d be stuck with her.

ADD and depression are a big issue for me. I don't want someone with any mental health issues. Who knows what she's really like? And she's locked in for an entire year! And the father paying? No thanks. Another issue.

I have to gently find a way to tell this woman "no". I did float it by my landlord to see if he would want someone whose father is paying the rent. He said he would get back to me, but hasn't. I am at a loss for words. Mom said to tell her that my landlord won't let someone move in who has a third party paying the rent each month. In the case that something happens to her father, yes, this reasoning makes sense.

Oh no… I just found out my ex husband is also attending a music event tomorrow night, same as me, and it is to celebrate the life of our friend who just died. My heart is already racing and my anxiety is running high. I want to go because it’s important to me to be there. But I’m nervous. And Jay will be there too... I don't want any incidents occurring, and I certainly don't want my ex approaching me OR Jay about anything. UGH!!!! I am going, there is no way I am not going, but this is going to royally suck.

If you were sick you'd have to stay home, and I'm sure your deceased friend would understand.


It's clear that if you do go, Ken will see you and Jay together unless you agree not to spend time together at the event.


Regardless you may want to have plans in place for how you will handle seeing Ken. You have no idea what he will do, if he will confront you or try to talk to you. If he does, I personally would say something like "I'm here for --- but it's not appropriate for you to talk to me right now."


I know you want to go, but I think your friends would understand if you didn't. It seems important to understand that if you go, you are opening yourself to the possibility of further drama. You do have a choice here, even if it's not an easy choice.

I'd be curious what being a "therapist" with children with autism entails these days. I almost did it years ago when you just needed a 3-day training program (Lovaas method). It was a minimum wage job and you got hired by parents similar to a babysitter. I didn't end up doing it because I needed to earn more. Hopefully these days it requires more training or a degree.

Just FYI

I would ask your landlord to please follow up with you.

I assume that you can turn her down for any reason, same with turning down a potential job applicant? I would maybe keep it vague and say you're looking for someone in your age range or something like that.

I would look into getting the 2nd bathroom repaired so you dont have to share, if possible. Now that you have a little time.

I’d not be repairing anything myself in a rental. Why on the planet landlord isn’t repairing it, weird.

Are you going together with Jay as a couple? Well I’d say your ex will likely stay away. I doubt there’d be an incident . It’s not high school. I’d not give it any thoughts

After much deliberation and several conversations with my good female friends, I decided to go. I unblocked my ex to tell him that I am aware he is going, that I am going, and to reiterate that I do not want him approaching me in any way.... I am heading it off.

This is important to me. It's my community, coming together to mourn AND celebrate the life of a beloved friend.... I want to be there.

Jay and I discussed it. We will not do any PDA in front of my ex, and we will just lay low in terms of that.

I just meant get it fixed, since things are relatively quiet.

Got you. I didn’t even know that there’s another bathroom. Most certainly it needs to be fixed. Especially if they raising rent.

I do need to follow up with my landlord today about this. She has a Masters degree of some kind to work with kids with autism.

I don't have to get back to her until tomorrow, so I am still thinking about how I want to approach this. Wanting someone closer to my own age is a good reason.

I hadn't thought of that, but it's not worth it to me to have workmen around while I am unemployed. And, I don't want my landlord knowing I am unemployed.

Interestingly enough, my ex didn't reply to my text at all. As of this morning, I've blocked him again so now he definitely can't.

I did tell him via email last week to not pursue me and to not contact me. And I confronted him on his lies. I am guessing he is retaliating by now giving me the cold shoulder and silent treatment, as abusers do when they are confronted with the truth.

The only reason I unblocked him was to reiterate I don't want him approaching me to try and talk while at this event. I believe that even though I had made that clear in an email, he could or would still violate my boundary as he has in the past. I wouldn't put it past him, let's put it that way. He violates my boundaries constantly, despite whatever I have said about it.

Jay had said in a phone call last night that he's not taking sides, and also told me that we are "dating". So it's official now I guess... we are dating. So I followed up with him in a text and told him that I want him to hopefully be on MY side because I was so badly abused and I need him to believe that. He wrote back saying he is on my side, with a smiley face.

Yesterday was a bad day for me. A really bad day. I got rejected for 2 jobs, it rained for the third or fourth day in a row, and I received the news that my ex is attending this event, all of which threw me off for the entire day. I felt really destabilized and not myself.

This morning I feel slightly better. I am glad I am going, I am glad I am not cowering away from this event because of HIM, and I am glad I am not allowing him to win.

If I don't go, then he's won. I don't want to be afraid of him. And that's how I felt all day yesterday - afraid of what he may try to do, afraid of a confrontation with him, afraid of receiving more gaslighting and abuse if I were forced to talk to him.... any number of things that made me on edge.

And that is precisely a result of the abusive relationship dynamic: the victim becomes afraid of the abuser.

I need to regain my own power, stand up to him and stand tall against him. He can no longer abuse me.

Good luck at the event. I hope it goes well and he leaves you alone.

THANK YOU! I feel OK right now about it.