Divorcing a disordered person

Oe #23

@unaluna thanks, I am trying to help him realize what his post#21 is saying and that he is actually turning a corner in seeing the truth about his wife. He is not a failure for loving her, instead she is the one that is failing not only him but her own children and they are all suffering from his wife’s choice to embrace her abuse of alcohol.

This is what he is saying in how her absence allowed him to see what stability is like verses living in constant survival mode.

RDM I hope everything works out for you

Theres less and less survival mode.

SLEEP! MY GOSH I can't explain how she weaponized SLEEP.

It was insane.

When someone abuses alcohol like your wife they become their own victims trapped in their physical and mental need to consume alcohol. This is how it is for all drug addicts. Actually they become trauma bonded to their addiction and everyone around them suffers. They tend to blame others for their problems and exhibit mood swings that everyone around them are expected to accept and accommodate. Their needs come first and they fluctuate from being demanding to being a needy victim. Hence they can suddenly decide they were wronged and lash out in inappropriate ways. Like a narcissist they create and live in constant drama which is part of the ongoing problems that come with addictions.

People that are exposed to this end up worn out because they never know what mood is going to take over. Once this is removed from daily life that’s when spouses and children start to experience actual relief.

Well folks.

We'll see what my lawyer says.

In her affidavit she made some, I feel, poorly supported claims.

There was an air of.... He's the villain, he's crazy, I'm being victimized, I can barely work, he's putting our investments at risk, and I should get custody of our daughter, and my bestie should have full access to her to because she's like family.

After two days of spinning, I went to work.

I've never worked with such uninterrupted focus before in my life.

It was 12 hour days.

I pulled notes from here, from a virtual diary I have, from the kids journals, from texts and emails.

I whittled it down to 99 points.

The first 4 express the past issues with my wife finding pornography on my web browser and me lying about it. And also the actions I took through our church, marital counselling, admission of guilt to our parents and select friends, etc.

Then the next 95 points document her progressive abuse, theft from our family, ill-faith loans she took out with family that weren't repaid, drinking, verbal and emotional abuse, manipulation and gaslighting and the progrssion right to the end in January. I documented her abuse of the kids, and stuff I found out after she left. I proved her lies several times. I proved her affairs. I got info on her travelling out of state for concerts while claiming she's starving. And I threw her bestie in there for good measure too.

Every point is cross referenced 1-5 times with evidence.

I just threw a grenade in the outhouse and closed the door.

Boom.

Stay tuned.

RDM

It’s important that you show concern about your daughter’s safety around your wife. Also, your wife also took money put aside for your daughter to pay for school so you can’t trust her with any money supposed to be used for your daughter.

I think your wife wants your daughter just to get more money for herself. However, you daughter has been in therapy and was told it would be better for your daughters mental health to distance from her mother.

I hope your lawyer sorts everything out

Lots and lots of good luck

Well.... Court date is postponed. My lawyer just said, "Insufficient time to prepare, and the home and children are safe and secure, no addiction, no abuse."

So it is postponed for an indefinite amount of time.

I've gone through periods of being very empowered, then very afraid again.

She just creates and instills such powerful emotions in me, and such fear of the future.

RDM

Take some deep breaths and let this conformation that your wife can’t force you take hold. You have been gaining ground in seeing her for who she really is and that she is toxic and that’s not your fault. More importantly you are realizing how the quality of your life and your children’s lives is better without her unpredictable presence in your home. That’s a major revelation.

Preparing the affidavit was a huge step. She's so, so toxic and damaged.

I'm thankful for this board and you guys.

I'm trying to get to the point where I don't fear her, and I'm not angry at her. She's damaged, injured, stunted... But any pity I show her will be manipulated.

We have mechanical latches on the doors. My son pointed out when I'm stressed I lock and latch the doors. I caught myself doing that today.

Can I just say, you guys were all correct.

She manipulated me through guilt. She absolutely ran hot-cold, she verbally abused me, the whole house was on eggshells waiting for her mood or reaction, she exhausted us financially, she DID HAVE physical illnesses but come on..... There are people far sicker who were able to do far more, I was truly trauma bonded to her, she had me hooked like an addiction, she future-faked with multiple false starts for new jobs or education, none of which she followed through with, there was absolutely no forgiveness in her, there was no merit in me no matter what I accomplished for us....

Thank you all.

RDMercer

Why is it postponed? Is this her tactic to drag it out

We had 7 days notice for the court date.

My lawyer said, not enough time and she was double-booked for court.

So. Re-scheduled.

It’s been good for you and your children that your wife moved out. Removing the toxic person from your environment allows you to distance from the toxic loop you and your children were experiencing.

When someone abuses alcohol the way your wife does you are constantly subjected to the mood swings that take place with the varying levels of alcohol in their system. At times these individuals can get rather mean and unpredictable. It gets worse with age because as we age we naturally become more sensitive to any drug. Once someone gets near or into their fifties they slowly lose more control. The hormonal levels change adding even more fluctuations in moods.

It’s understandable. I was confused for a moment.

I hope it goes well, RDM

My lawyer continues to say....

Delay, delay, delay....

I'm a good dad. I'm a very solid individual. My lawyer is saying, the longer this takes, the more the truth will come out; that I'm stable and a good parent, and she will kinda self-combust because she thinks she's in control of everything that is happening.

My lawyer is also saying, there is no need to rush to court; our child is of age to decide where they live, there is no abuse, no addiction, school is going well, bills are getting paid, , meals are getting made, etc. There are many, many families that need a court date before me.

My lawyer is saying..... Just keep doing what you are doing. When the time comes, if we show up as a functional 3-part family, and a dysfunctional 4th party, the court will see that.

So.... I'll keep cooking, and doing homework, and working on cars, and working out with the kids.

That's it.

RDM

That is good news. I kinda felt like her filing was out of left field, disruptive, when it first happened. Like, what brought this on, all of a sudden? Your lawyer is wise - dont give in to the wife's game, to her trying to steer the ship.

There is a type of person that insists on being “the princess”. Everything is about them and their needs and they are very high maintenance. If this person is not coddled the way they want they literally threaten to discard as though others are privileged to be privy to their drama.

This individual will even claim to have “special powers” which is strange because they are also very needy and constantly claim to be a powerless victim. It’s all about their needs and their boundaries and you don’t get to have feelings and boundaries.

It’s painful to see how a good hearted person can get caught up in their toxic web and want to love and be loved but they are waisting their time because they are dealing with a disordered person that doesn’t really see or love them.

Add to that a problem with alcohol and drug abuse and this makes things even more toxic.

When someone loves a toxic person it really takes time to slowly help them see all the toxic aspects of the relationship. Often the victim becomes very committed thinking there must be something they can do to change the toxic dynamic. After all there are times when the victim is thanked and even praised. But this is ONLY to keep the feed going for the “princess”.

Truth is everyone suffers if the “princess” doesn’t get her way. Your wife had discarded you a long time ago. She was just playing and using you getting ready to completely discard you.
This kind of disordered person prefers to discard yet at the same time likes to think you would run back and service her if she wishes. The PRINCESS always needs to have this sense of POWER.

If they feel they lost power, they will lash out and have temper tantrums and meltdowns. Actually, your lawyer knows this and is advising you to stay calm and be the good man and dad you are.

Know there is no actual love lost as the princess type is too selfish for that. That is even worse if they abuse alcohol or drugs.

Just saying: people like what you described, they are not necessarily female, i have known male "princesses"

@felineangelyes you are absolutely correct and I meant to add that in Thanks!

There is a type of person that insists on being “the princess”. Everything is about them and their needs and they are very high maintenance. If this person is not coddled the way they want they literally threaten to discard as though others are privileged to be privy to their drama.

- I definitely experienced this. She had multiple issues with food intolerances. I'm a pretty good cook, and quite knowledgeable about this stuff. She literally took no responsibility for a number of years to shop, plan meals, or feed herself. She was endlessly hurt and bitter about what the rest of us could eat that she couldn't. That's understandable, BUT.... be involved.

This individual will even claim to have “special powers” which is strange because they are also very needy and constantly claim to be a powerless victim. It’s all about their needs and their boundaries and you don’t get to have feelings and boundaries.

- Ah.... Special Powers. Her mother claimed to have actual special powers, like clairvoyant powers. My wife's special power was that she could feel the pain of others. The pain of others, on top of her own pain was crippling..... She wouldn't do anything to help anyone else, but she could feel their pain. Like Ukrainians.... "Well, let's work with newcomers, and support the Red Cross." "No, we have to look after ourselves..... But I can feel their pain, I can feel what they're going through."

Add to that a problem with alcohol and drug abuse and this makes things even more toxic.

- Oh yeah.... The alcohol added another level.

When someone loves a toxic person it really takes time to slowly help them see all the toxic aspects of the relationship. Often the victim becomes very committed thinking there must be something they can do to change the toxic dynamic. After all there are times when the victim is thanked and even praised. But this is ONLY to keep the feed going for the “princess”.

- Yes, this has been hard to face. Realizing that the good times and compliments were probably just to keep things going longer.

Truth is everyone suffers if the “princess” doesn’t get her way. Your wife had discarded you a long time ago. She was just playing and using you getting ready to completely discard you.

- Yes, the whole house was on eggshells for her whims and state of mind.

This kind of disordered person prefers to discard yet at the same time likes to think you would run back and service her if she wishes. The PRINCESS always needs to have this sense of POWER.

If they feel they lost power, they will lash out and have temper tantrums and meltdowns. Actually, your lawyer knows this and is advising you to stay calm and be the good man and dad you are.

- My lawyer has said, "Delay, delay, delay.... You've been run ragged for over 10 years. Let her wait. She's still in your head and you feel you have to appease her to keep peace. No. Do not settle quickly. Delay. Hold the line, dig in. You are the stronger person. She's been living off you. Negotiate once she HAS to negotiate. You don't realize your power yet. Do absolutely nothing until you are forced to. Do not settle quickly. Let her acquire debt to live. Do not give her a war chest. Once she has resources, meaning your resources, she will negotiate harder."

Know there is no actual love lost as the princess type is too selfish for that. That is even worse if they abuse alcohol or drugs.

- This has killed me. The realization that I have been used to this degree for this long.

RDM

100% Prima Donna's! Male or female!

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You and your children have shown symptoms of stockholms syndrome. There is also some trauma bonding. I could see this dynamic more by listening to what you shared. Your commitment to trying to please her and have her finally love you was way over the top.

Then you shared how your wife and her friends decided they could USE men to fix their cars and without reciprocating This is a clear red flag screaming “toxic person” who doesn’t love but instead only uses.

You keep projecting your own good qualities onto her. She had you convinced that the problems were your fault. This is how toxic people behave.

Part of the reason I did not talk about how men can also be like this is that I could see you had already been constantly encouraged to think the unhappiness was your fault. You already carry too much guilt and I don’t want you to fall back into self blaming.