What to do when they come back?

You are completely right...

But I've gotten a little smarter as all this stuff has progressed.

Like the night she went out with her friends, in a rage, saying she was divorcing me... And I went and took photos of all her designer purses, handbags, and jewelry, and saved one of her receipts with her account number from the jewelry store.

These were all purchases I had no say in, and those are all assets she didn't claim in court.

These provoking emails I send her are twofold... It is me venting, and also looking for a reply. You see, she has claimed in the past that she hasn't gotten emails from me and my lawyer. Well... Somehow she replies to the ones that tick her off .

What’s her telling the kids unacceptable things had to do with your upbringing ha She’s not even denying that she was literally threatening her kids! Your upbringing isn’t in question here! Her terrible parenting is!

Also she does know the truth. She just thinks she can get away with everything because she is creating a false narrative. But everyone is on to her. Including her kids

When you took those pictures of what she had you knew she was going to lie. A part of you knew she was deceptive and manipulative. It’s important to look at the kind of person she really is and realize that nothing you can do will change that. This never meant you are not good enough. The anger you are feeling is the part of you that cares about you and wants to protect you.

I just wanted to say thanks to my chorus.

My family doctor referred me to a psychiatrist, whom I saw in February and again today

She confirmed I have CPTSD. During my two hour initial session she talked me through things that have happened in the past two years that I didn’t even see as being related to this stuff.

Today she laid out the timeline of the progression and the healing to date… I’m very typical. She referred me for counselling specifically for CPTSD.

She talked to me about the chronic sleep disruption and effects on health and mental health too.

It was humbling to be told, again, by Another professional, that I was abused.

I had coffee with a good friend on Saturday morning. I told him about reaching the point of immersing myself in the peace and quiet at home, so much so that it would hit me emotionally. Then growing past that to peace and positivity is normal.

My stbx wife is extremely academically accomplished and has held some big jobs in the past. I’ve seen her as extremely smart.

I just don’t get how someone that smart can’t see and trust the evidence before them and go, “Oh sh… It’s me. I’m the problem.”

Anyway… It was a good day. I took my DD out to a nice restaurant and we went looking at motorcycles. .

RDMercer

Quote:

I just don’t get how someone that smart can’t see and trust the evidence before them and go, “Oh sh… It’s me. I’m the problem.”

I wondered exactly the same. My ex bragged about how high his IQ was in college (Bragging was a red flag) & yet he he barely passed to graduate (red flag -attitude issue). I saw attitude issues for 33 years in the marriage but I always fought rather than giving in. When I finally left, I KNEW it was over cause I never thought about him escept to try to sort out what in the world waa really wrong with him that I was so repulsed by him when I finally did leave. It waan't until 11 years later when I was back in Calif taking him to court that he said he was sure I would come back to him aftee 2 years of being away but only after I never came back "he finally wondered if he wasn't maybe the reason I left". Like duh.....I told him he waa the reason I was leaving. He fought the divorce I tried to get before I left & I had the means after my mom died to just walk out & start life over far away without the divorce with money he had no claim on.

I could never comprehend how someone with such a high IQ could be so totally clueless about life. Had a couple of therapists after I left who helped me understand from what I described that his brain did not function like normal people. In my case, I knew he wasn't on drugs or using alcohol but that his diagnosed adult ADD & possible high functioning ASD could definitely be the cause for not taking responsibility for his own behavior.

I just knew I had so much real peace & happiness when I was no longer around him aftet 33 years of fighting & telling him I didn't marry him to be his momma. Seeing how incapable he actually is of taking care of himself now, both my daughter & I are sure there is now some level of dementia going on at his age too.

It is so difficult to comprehend the level of cluelessness some people have with self-awareness when we are so aware that it seems "obvious to the most casual observer". Some things we never will understand about them & we are just thankful to be "outta there"

I have felt so positive and hopeful lately.

Then I got a flurry of emails from STBX wife.

For the last three days I'm wrecked with indecision, questioning how I have handled things to date, and scared of the future.

I've been trying to rationalize away these reactions but they are still with me.

I'm just dumbfounded at her ability to instill anxiety in me.

Just voicing this here to see if it helps it go away. Like I said, I am a few days into this now and it's remaining.

RDMercer

I've been reading a bit lately about the survival mind, and how it's actually a different functional system then your normal, rational brain. Apparently, that's why you can't rationalize away anxiety. It's like we know rationally that there's no real threat, we've done all we can, or something is beyond our control, but that part of our brain is on the other side of the room, still looking for the "ins" independently.

You're not to blame, at least not more than 50% according to Codependent No More. What's done is done, and you've made the best decisions you could based on what was available to you at the time.

I've learned that when I feel anxious and even stuck, sometimes it helps to adopt the 12 step mindset, and focus only on today. Do you have everything you need for today? If there's anything you should be doing about a situation today, do it. Otherwise, try to focus on your day-to-day tasks to the best of your ability. Doing that is a form of mindfulness- focusing on the here and now, this time and place. It can help you get back into your body and surroundings, and out of survival/anxiety mode.

I think at least for me, there is usually a little bit of anger when I get an email from my ex & the anger translates into anxiety too. This is after 18 years of being away from him & 7 years divorced.

Last summer he told my daughter I got a jury duty summons in Calif where I had not lived for 17 years. He told her he would send the notice so I could respond & never did. II couldn't respond without the # on the notice so I just blew it off. I guess my daughter got on his case cause he emailed me the information. Refused to respond so I used one of the canned replies. Not too long ago he emailed me about getting a realtor call about whether I was wanting to sell my home or wanted him to give me the information about who called. My one word reply: NO.

Bottom line....I hate having any communication with him & never gave him my new phone # cause he abused the one I had when I moved here. Just having anything to do with him is stressful & brings back up all the reasons I couldn't stand him & left in the first place.

I look back with lots of "If I had done this (or that) I wouldn't be having the legal issues because of him now". But I also know that when I didn't take those actions, I was still in the healing process from the 33 years with him & really had no idea what my next action really should have been & what I did was based on what I thought would benefit us both more in the long run. But like with everything....he screwed that up for both of us too.

The bottom line is we never truly know how to best handle things because we don't know the future, so we do the best we can with the knowledge we have at the time & some times crap slips through the crack we end up having to deal with later. But we actually did the best we could.

Just remember there will always be anxiety when that STBX or ex pops up in our lives. It is a normal reaction. We use the time between to recover our own normal

And outside of those emails, what’s gone on in the past two weeks??

Yes, I have an elderly family member in hospital and I’ve spent a lot of time there.

But my new job is good. The kids are doing great. There are SO MANY healthy, positive things happening. Just stuff like having another games night at the house, meeting friends for lunch, meeting new friends through my son, and other new friends through my daughter, having a bowling night with a bunch of teens and parents….

It’s just all so good.

When the rest of life is going good it makes the bad a little easier to tolerate