What is a relationship?

First of all, let me explain that I have never been in a relationship, but am trying. I have over the last year tried a contact agency. There have been two ladies that I have corresponded with and upon meeting they decided that they don't like me or am not suitable. (I didn't meet both in the same time period, these were separate incidents!). And that is that. If they don't like me then they don't like me! I gave up with the thing. Three months ago I was contacted by another woman who seemed eager to meet me. At the time I wasn't feeling like meeting anybody. I left it for a week and finally replied as I wasn't sure what to do. There have been a few letters swapped between us and mostly we send SMS messages to our cellular phones. As yet I haven't even spoken to her. Whenever I try to phone I can't get an answer so have given up even trying to phone. She keeps saying she would like to meet and gives me a day asking if that would be suitable and I say Okay. Then before it arrives, something comes up and she can't make it. I'm not pressuring her in any way to meet & I haven't even asked her to meet. She keeps asking me and then canceling. This has gone on over the three months and I feel like I am just being jerked around. I don't know. Is it me? Am I thick? Am I missing something? She may be scared or nervous but I don't think that is the case. I can't work it out. Were supposedly to meet next weekend but I can't see it happening. And when she cancels that one should I just give up with her. As it seems to me I am being jerked about or she is too busy with other things that she can't even speak to me. Though I haven't spoken to her, she seems a nice enough person but I just don't know what is happening. Is there something I can do? Is there something I am not doing that I should be? I can't even get a relationship started!

hi Jigglypuff,

welcome to the forums!

after i finished reading your post, the first thing that popped in my head was "communication." you are corresponding completely through the written word? (are SMS messages on the cell phone text or voice messages?)

why do you say that the reason she is continually cancelling your meetings cannot be because she is scared or nervous? have you asked her? would you consider it a possibility until you find out for sure, one way or the other? keeping an open mind to all kinds of possibilities could help with this situation.

where will you be meeting when you do meet? i nice public cafe? someplace where you'll both feel comfortable? will you be meeting briefly at first, just in case things don't work out for some reason?

she may be in the same boat, so to speak, of not having been in a relationship before. (although, i consider the experience of having relationships with family and friends important, too.)

now, back to communication. written communication, email, text messages on the cell phone, is kind of one sided. even though one person writes, and the other responds, and it goes back and forth, there's no instant opportunity for clarification, for body language, for voice fluctuations and intonations, for eye contact. communication can occur without any words, at least that's what i believe.

so, what can you do without this face-to-face contact? if you're real serious about creating a relationship, tell her how you feel, how it feels that she keeps cancelling. does she know how you feel? tell her that, and these are your words, that she seems a nice enough person but that you just don't know what's happening. i think that's fair enough to ask. if she wasn't interested, why would she keep asking you to meet with her? what does she gain from "jerking" you around? that's an awful long time and a lot of energy corresponding, setting up meetings and such. ask her if she is too busy to meet with you. ask her specific questions. try to get specific answers. tell her how you feel.

i think that's the only way you can tell if it was meant to be, to communicate.

if anybody else has anything, agrees with me or disagrees, please add your two cents (or whatever currency you use - two cents is only one above a penny for your thoughts, which is one cent) . i am by no means a relationship expert.

good luck with you Jigglypuff, and let us know how you're doing!

splash

Hi Splash, thanks for the reply.

Yes it is text messages. But one problem I have is that I don't know how or am too afraid to show or even tell anybody my feelings. Particularly face to face. As I was extremely hurt a long time ago when I did show feelings, so I shut them out and ignored them. It is not that I don't have feelings but I can't show them. I'm afraid of being hurt again. Well I haven't asked her if she is scared but I think I am probably more scared to meet. Since I am scared I wouldn't ask to meet. What is bothering me is she does ask me then continually cancels. If she is scared then why does she not wait until she is more comfortable to go ahead with it. I don't mind waiting. Just that when someone says something then goes against that especially on a continual basis then that is unnerving. It brings a lot of doubts. I'm not too good with words. I go more with actions rather than words. To me words are hollow. Anybody could quote Shakespeare but they don't actually mean anything. They're just reading of a script. What a person does is of more importance. I'm sorry but I don't really trust what anybody says. I've been let down too often by too many people. I'll wait and see what develops. Though it won't surprise me if it happens again. I'll take your advice into consideration. Were supposed to meet for a coffee. This is bothering me now. I would rather just get it done and over with either way. I would be happy if we could just even meet and then I would know where I stand.

On a similar note. Two years ago when I was at my worst. I asked someone that I trusted and had known for a long time if they could help me with my difficulties. They said yes. I got some help at first then later they told me they couldn't help. I asked why and they said they didn't know how to help me. I told them how - by just listening to me. That was all I wanted. Then they told me they didn't have time for me. All the while saying that they did "want" to help me but "couldn't". I'm angry at that. I'm also angry and confused at something a psychologist asked me about something that happened to me. I can't believe she even asked me. I won't go into that here thats a separate issue. Maybe I'll post it elsewhere.

hmmmmm..... well, would you believe me if i said to you that i'm having a hard time believing you?

anytime a person says, "Why doesn't so and so do this?" or "Why does so and so feel that way?", that should be a clue to that person that they need to ask "why." us average, normal human beings really can't read minds. i've never met anyone who could, so, as human beings we need to ask "why" and, unless we're doing self-inquiry (in which we'd ask ourselves "why"--why do I do the things that I do?), we need to ask others "why," especially if it's something that's bothering us. i believe a lot of the great world discoveries started off by someone wanting to know, "Why?"

since you communicate via the written word, why not copy and paste the words you wrote above and send them to your possible new-found lady friend? if you're considering not trying any more, then, what can it hurt? look at it as practice.

see, this is why i don't believe you (oh me of little faith you say that you don't know how, or are too afraid, to show or even tell anybody your feelings. well, i hate to break it to you, but i think i, and others, have gotten a pretty good idea as to how you feel. you are an extremely articulate person, full of feelings. letting others know how you feel takes practice. practice here and then take it out into the "real world."

when i was growing up (not to change the subject, but just to let you know where i come from), i was never allowed to have feelings. my mom always told me how i felt, or she would say, don't feel that way. i never made my own decisions and to this day, i have difficulty with decision-making.

i, too, hate it when people make promises and break them. my family does that to me all the time. i can't stand it to no end. after awhile, you tend not to expect anything from anybody. i almost expect the opposite, that they can't keep their promise.

you say "words are hollow," but they really aren't. could you imagine what life would be like without words? think about it. no written words, no spoken words. you say you like actions better? could you imagine the whole world playing charades?

just because people quote shakespeare, doesn't mean that they don't mean it. where would the greeting card industry be if people didn't buy cards with words that other people made up?

i agree with you about trust, too. it's hard. like i said, i'm no relationship expert. i'm getting better. up until a few months ago, i was too busy planning death, but now, i'm trying to have my first relationship: with myself. i take myself places, i buy nice things for myself, i try to forgive myself and not be so hard on myself, i try and take care of myself. you know, the better i am to me, the better other people are to me as well. people don't like to be with someone who doesn't like themselves, and without even trying to make friends, i have made friends, just by being a friend to myself.

now, it may sound corny, so be it. but it's true.

believe it or not!

take care, Jigglypuff, and good luck with your coffee date. remember, life is to short not to take chances.

splash

p.s. sometimes i have found that people who say they want to help, but end up not being able to, are people who need help themselves. on the other hand, people can help themselves by helping others.

What is a relationship?

A relationship is give and take for one thing. It is also trying to communicate as best we can in the most effective way we can. If I were you I would just come right out and ask her "What's wrong that you keep cancelling and rescheduling? I have done that with dentist appointments and things I was fearful of or aprehensive about. She may have some kind of problem with relationships that you are not aware of. I would just try to ask her that and also convey that you want to try and understand what's up, too. Just saying to her that you are a bit scared too and what makes you feel than way (not having had a relationship before) can help and that is not too hard to say. It doesn't imply intense feelings but some and that may end up having the two of you feeling more on an even keel. Maybe if she knows you are a little shy about it she may relax more-I'm guessing. I'm not the greatest in relationships, yet (!), but I am trying to improve and I realize that upfront communication can help to see things more clearly. You don't have to divulge your deepest fears or insecurities.

I, too, was told not to be angry, not to cry, or to stop crying. So, I hid my feelings and problems for years until I kind of fell into them again. I was at a support group and I was new some years back. People started talking about "fears." I almost felt like I was at an x-rated movie (in a sense) and it was so nice to hear people talking about it-feelings. I kept looking around in wonder and amazement. I couldn't say much then about the things I was still submerging deeply including feelings with a brick wall around them (to protect me from more harm I guess) but gradually things came out. Especially when I felt safe to let them out. Going to therapy to learn asserting my feelings helped immensely. For me now though it's a continual struggle of going into myself and coming out because I'm not in a safe spot now. (We constantly change I believe. We are never in the same exact spot psychologically) I hope to be though when I get back to therapy again. Sorry about the rambling but I wanted to tell about my feelings story and hoped to help some.

I hear your frustration with it allright but you can clear it up by just asking some questions. If you cannot say feelings words then questions might be easier. Like "What's wrong?"

"Things work out best for the people
Who make the best out of the way things work out."
--- Author Unknown ---

If anybody is interested, she canceled on Thursday saying she couldn't make it. I was expecting this anyway so in a way I'm not even bothered about it. Anyway she apologised this time and asked to re-schedule next weekend. I haven't told her how I feel about this as I am not sure if it is appropriate and I don't know if I am over reacting. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. I'm trying to evaluate my position here. I'm caught in two different minds. It's difficult making a decision. I want things to happen out for the best. I'm just thinking out loud here so this probably won't make any sense. It's just an internal conflict going through my mind I have to resolve. But in a strange way, things look better. And no! I am not on drugs or drink.

Well, good luck to you.

Success is the best revenge.

A relationship is a ball and chain, but don't tell my wife will yeah, she might want to pull out the whip......

I can see where you ae coming from. If a girl did that to me I would wonder if she was just mucking about, playing some kind of game. Maybe I am too suspicious. But I have been hurt too many times to want to be caught out by a girl or to appear weak to a girl now. There are some girls who seem to muck people around, I don't know why they do it maybe some kind of mind game or test. I'm not into them. If I were you I would do as suggested and ask her calmy why she keeps cancelling. Explain how it is not fair on you, how it is an inconvience to your planning of your social life the way she keeps cancelling. If she has a good reason meet her, but make it clear you are not going to put up with with further cancellations in a tactful kind of way. If I knew quite how to do that I would say, but you need to be firm but fair. Text messages can be a pain sometimes, they are such an easy get out tool when someone wants to cancel an arangement!