[labyrinth]

i was in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost two years, but in the past couple of months, he had been telling me that i have had problems of not being independant and very easily influenced. i thought i tried doing everything, from hanging out with my girlfriends more to trying not to be so clingy, but our relationship continued to take a downfall when, a few weeks ago, he told me we needed a break; actually, it came to be that "I" needed a break, that he'd still love to be with me, that he still cared and loved me, but i needed time to figure out what i wanted, what i need in life, not him.

what i gather is that i was too dependant, i didn't think mainly for myself, and he was right. i was reading up on it, connected this problem to my parents (who are now divorced), and understood my flaws.

but this is the problem; i find that i have changed, maybe not so much to really take another stab at this relationship. i still have that feeling of wanting to have to him back, i know i still would act dependant, i would slip back into what i once was.

he told me yesterday that i just don't see things right, or think things through; that everything that happens has to deal with me, that everything to be is such a huge deal. it's been almost 3 weeks since we've been together. my friends probably have told him i'm still upset, and i've heard alot of things about what he has said behind my back, he denies them.

i'm just confused, i don't know what to do. he says i have to figure this out on my own, but i am so overwhelmed over all of this; how do i become more dependant? how do i break that line? the last thing he had told me was, "i hope that you can find yourself and become the person that wants to be with me."

i want a second shot, but i'm not sure if i'm ready. i don't know who to turn to on this -- i have a huge group of friends, which include my ex-boyfriend; if i tell them one thing, it floats back to him, whether or not i tell them i'd rather it not happen. some of them tell me what i want to hear, others tell him, others don't say anything. i just need to figure this out, but i don't know how to go about it. i don't know if i'm becoming more successful, or if i'm still in that rut.

i just need some help, even though that's going against what this whole post is about.

[saudade]

HI, Labyrinth. Welcome.

It's really not easy to go and just give you advice cause there's obviously so much more than what you could bring yourself to write about here.
One thing, though: do you ever have time alone with yourself? Or do you go from one relationship to another nonstop?

Isn't there one single person you could talk to that wouldn't be biased or turn it to gossip or be only silent? Like a relative or something?

Did you use to see him on a daily basis? Would you be able to be in a relationship with him or somebody else where there would be space and time for being with yourself and thinking about something else (as opposed to being with your posse and talking about him knowing that the information will go right back to his ears)?

Hope it helps you think and maybe get a new perspective on it.

Good luck and peace.

[labyrinth]

i have had 3 long-term relationships, if not serious. i admit that i went from my first "serious" boyfriend of about a year to being alone for some time (half a year). he was the one who made me feel very horrible about myself, he constantly berated me and put me down.. but he was my first "love", some guy i had found who i thought was someone i could be with for a while. i was very impressionable then, and i believed most, if not all, of what he said. i was controlled in that relationship, i could go on about the things i did for him. i called at the same time everynight, almost lost 3 of my friends to him - one of which he told me not to be friends with, that she was annoying and "ruining" us. i almost did, i almost forced myself to lose her, but i woke up one day and realized that i didn't want to be controlled. i left him.

i met my ex-boyfriend afterwards and we had a thing together, we liked each other, but nothing had happened then; i moved on and found another guy, he was 3 years older than i was, and i immediately felt more comforted. i don't know what it is about security, but he gave me a secure feeling. i admit, i probably feel more secure with a man than i do with myself. but as for being controlled, Mike (which is his name), never seemed to make me feel threatened. he knew my previous relationship and it's ways, and made me feel accepted. but it quickly soured after being pampered and suffocated with large amounts of affection and i couldn't take it anymore.

this is where it gets kind of sketchy. to make stories short, i left mike for my now ex-boyfriend, and it was a very short leap. for the 2 years about i felt more comfortable with chris than my past boyfriends.. i thought i was better with him, i saw my friends, but admit that maybe no so much as i saw my boyfriend; i never lost anyone, but i still felt "secure."

let me further explain myself. i have no self confidence, i have no self-esteem, i constantly need someone to help guide me, for i am afraid of being alone. now it isn't so bad, these past few weeks i feel more steady, but still shaky. i need guidance, i need to have some help as to what i can do to help myself.

as for talking to someone who doesn't go off and gossip, i do have a few. i don't like talking to my mother, because she was married to my father for 14 years and was controlled herself. the only thing she said to me that i find useful was, "i'm sorry." because i watched her become submissive, and i think i learned that. but i do have a guy friend who i have been recently talking to more, he has a girlfriend, he understands and listens. he doesn't necessarily like chris, but he tries to make me see both sides of the situation. but he is leaving for college tomorrow, and our communication will probably be slimmer since we've both got school going (but it isn't so far away).

in me and chris's relationship, i saw him alot. alot. alot. i always did, i always was over his house or we were going out or something. at first he seemed to not care, he liked hanging out alot. but we're older now, seniors, and he's thinking about the future, and i am too. i have been trying to spend more time with myself, but whenever i do i think of things like, "what could i have done.." i don't know where to begin.

i remember he told me, "if you keep trying, you'll never get anywhere." as if, i have to DO it, not TRY. but how do i do something that i'm still vague on? that i need to figure out?

i am very committed, but i am also very attached. i read a very good quote the other day...

"mature love is not 'i love you because i need you', rather, 'i need you because i love you'."

and i understand i fell under the first category.

"If we deny love that is given to us,
if we refuse to give love because we fear the pain of loss,
then our lives will be empty, our loss greater."

[Wants2Fly]

HI Labyrinth --

I like your pseudnom. Welcome to the forums.

Like Ozzie says -- a therapist is a good place to start to talk things out and figure out a plan for what to do. You mention that you are a "senior." If you are a college senior, most colleges and universities have *free* counseling services on campus. You pay for them out of your various fees, so these are not a hand-out. I have found the people on campuses where I've worked have great understanding of what people that age are going through.

I honed in on 2 things in your message (which usually means those are things in me that I'm dealing with).

1. " have no self confidence, i have no self-esteem, i constantly need someone to help guide me, for i am afraid of being alone. now it isn't so bad, these past few weeks i feel more steady, but still shaky. i need guidance, i need to have some help as to what i can do to help myself. "

These are important statements to make about yourself. There is help. As Ozzie says, again, a therapist with whom you can develop a personal relationship. And don't be afraid to interview a few T's until you find one who seems to have the best approach for you.

2. You mention all the things that your BF said about you -- Labyrinthe is this way, L is that way, L needs to do this. There's an old saying -- Everytime you point the finger at someone else, there are three fingers pointing back at you. There doesn't seem to be a lot of introspection on your BF's part -- he is making you the "problem" in this life, but most of us plenty of our flaws going on that contribute to any difficulties we encounter in life.

Lastly, plz take anything I say here with a grain of salt. I'm not a therapist, and I'm on these forums bec. I am struggling with my own issues. Sometimes it helps to have people outside ourselves reflect thing back to us, but if you think to yourself -- No, Wants2Fly is so wrong, so wrong -- then I am probably am!

Good luck with all this and keep coming back.

[mj14]

labyrinth,

Your story sounds an awful lot like mine. You may want to look at the symptoms for dependent personality disorder:

<A target="_blank" HREF=http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx13.htm>http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx13.htm</A>

A therapist certainly help, but I have found that I can be just the way you mentioned...it's very easy to fall into dependency when I am with someone. I know this isn't a particularly attractive solution, but I have been completely on my own for two years now, and I am finally finding that I am capable of making decisions for myself, and standing on my own.

I know that's probably not something that someone would chose, but another thing you might try is consciously practice making decisions for yourself...like, chose for yourself instead of asking other people's opinion. Not on everything, but evrey now and then, to demonstrate that you are capable of handling things all on your own.

Good luck.

mj

<font color=green> If she spins fast enough then maybe the broken pieces of her heart will stay together, but even a gyroscope can't spin forever</font color=green>

[labyrinth]

i understand that maybe therapy would help, my mother (who goes to one herself) suggested that i take her appointment, and that if i don't like who i go to, i don't have to go another time. i'm considering on going to get my emotions and thoughts all out of my system.

but thank you for all those who posted, i appreciate it very much.

lately i've been better with decisions, it's a new feeling.. i've always had to go to someone to get a second opinion or to ensure that i'm not doing the wrong thing. with Chris, it was like i constantly needed someone to boost my self-esteem, someone who could be there for me when i fell, someone who would catch me. he told me that he wasn't taking a break because he didn't want to be with me, he told me he wanted me to find myself, that he didn't want to be "selfish" and stay with me while i became deeper and deeper into this dependency problem.

i think during the days after he decided we needed to be apart, i don't think i considered his words true enough; i think i grasped the feeling that i was alone and that i didn't have someone there to help catch me anymore rather than listen to the, "i'll always be here" and "i still love you, i still want to be with you - i don't need a break, you need a break to figure out who you are."

i don't think i've completely healed or anything, i just think i'm improving. i remember i used to wish i could "prove" to everyone i'm getting better.. but i realized now that i need to prove to myself first, i need to love myself first, and i need to figure out who i am first before anything.

it's just getting to that point where i get scared and want someone to hold my hand. alot of my problems were probably based on my childhood, with my father and mother.

but how am i going to learn how to be by myself, how to make my own decisions? i went to therapy once, for a little while, after my parents divorced, and i swore i would never go again. i was younger then, and stubborn, and didn't think i had a problem (with my parents divorcing), but now that i think of it, i just never really opened up. being 12 sitting in a room with a stranger.. yeah, it didn't work out too well.

i just need some suggestions as to what i can do by myself, ideas or anything. i'm an artist, and already i've been improving in that, putting my emotions on paper; but are there any other ideas? thanks for all of those who've read and/or posted.

"If we deny love that is given to us,
if we refuse to give love because we fear the pain of loss,
then our lives will be empty, our loss greater."