I hit my husband/ TRIGGER / long rant

Add another trigger, one more, ah, heck, add three--no, four... make that five--more triggers.

I am so sick of this marriage. The only reason I agreed to marry him is because we got caught making love. My husband has this incredible sense of responsibility to do what's right. I admire him for that.

But I never loved him. And even with our 3rd anniversary I STILL can't bring myself to love him. The only thing that's kept me in this marriage for so long (some of you snicker, I'm sure, because 3 years is NOT that long) is because it's "the right thing to do." Jesus said God abhors divorce. The only reason he allowed it is because our hearts were hard. Well, my heart has gotten to that point. I don't even care anymore whether or not my divorce causes him to trip up and fall in love with another girl, have sex, get married. Technically that's adultery in Jesus's book. And I'd be responsible. As much as I hate that idea, being damned to hell for suicide is worse.

I feel walked on, taken advantage of, taken for granted, and just generally trapped. I feel abused. I gave in and gave up so much for the happiness of a man I never really even loved. I'm lucky we've not had children yet. I used to travel and sing. I LOVED that. He said I couldn't do it anymore. I used to have friends, confide in people. He said I talked too much. I lost all of my best friends to him. He expects me to run his errands, wash his clothes, clean his house, and keep my promises. Yet he goes out with his friends, breaks his promises, and walks all over the things that are the most precious to me. "Oh, baby, I'm so sorry. I *didn't know.* I'll never do that again." Some of the stuff is self-explanatory. Some of it I verbally said "John, this is important to me. Please do/don't do this."

Case in point: I don't want to have sex. He goes downstairs and I go to bed for the night. I take Ambien, and this puts me to sleep. If you wake me up, I can talk to you, but I won't remember anything I said or did the next morning. He'll come to be in the middle of the night, have sex with me. I have no memory of it, but my underwear's not the same when I wake up. I ask him about it, he said yeah, we had sex. I said "don't do that again. That's not right. I have a right to be awake when I am making love to you." "okay." He does it again. And again. And again. And each time I say "John, don't do that. It's not right." "okay. I'm sorry. I didn't know." I finally got sick of it and told one of my friends. He never did it again. His reputation was more important to him than sex with me.

Another case in point: half the reason I'm on Ambien in the first place is because I can't sleep next to him. When he moves, it's like an earthquake. I have asked for a separate bed so that I can sleep next to him, but not feel his coming and going. We are dirt poor, so I would not make a request like that unless it was *important* and *legitimate*. Please save, honey. Ok. I shop around. A good bed is a couple of hundred to a couple of thousand. I also need a new cord for my implant, a new cord for my phone system (for the implant), my clothes are running thin and tearing, I don't have enough food to cook a mouse dinner. I let my eyesight go for a couple of years because my husband rang up debt. He has a closet STUFFED of clothes and decides he needs more. Comes home with watches, $300 suits, new credit cards. He has more shoes than any man I know: 6 racks and counting.

He's a pretty boy. Style is important to him. I get that. But my credit is ruined because of him. I can't buy the things I need because of him. He routinely skips medications and forces me to, as well, because we don't have enough cash at the end of the month to buy meds anymore. But I have had enough, e-nough, of the broken promises. All of my dreams are gone. I've been put in the mental hospital partially because of him. I've lost sight of what's important to me because I'm so clouded by doing what's right in the eyes of God. I feel so conflicted because everything I do IS for God, anyway. I have this whole other set of problems related to God that I won't get involved on this post. I want out, but divorce isn't an option.

This isn't even the tip of the iceberg. There's so many things wrong with this marriage.

I would suggest talking to your minister about this. I am sure he can lead you on the right path. if not your minister then maybe a christian counselor.

I understand trying to serve god.

However,

I say cut your losses and go.

So, don't get a divorce.

Just move out.

Do it now BEFORE you end up pregnant.

You in rags, and he in $300.00 suits.

Sex while you are unconscious??? That's terrible. That's rape in my OPINION. And what if you end up pregnant because of this? You will be totally stuck with him forever!!!!!!!

Don't really know what to say. I would have to go. We are here for you. Feel free to 'rant' anytime you want. That's what we're here for.

(((((((hold2truth)))))))

wow thats really sad you brought tears to my eyes .You seem to be way to much pain he is sucking the life out of you like a vampire I dont believe in god so i shouldn't give advice but it would seem to me that that a god would not wont you in a relationship where there no love .that a loveless marriage would be one of Satan not of god.

I hope In not out of bounds? I dont believe in God myself.
Ive been with my wife 23 years Though good times and bad there are times I meet of even hated her but I always loved her we both put the other needs above are own, We have a friendship .His a VAMPIRE Thats someone who sucks the life ,happiness sanity, off someone and feeds off of it .the will feed to there nothing left and move on to their next victim. Once again sorry if im out of line But I watch it happen to my mom she was died long befor she past away.

since there are no children involved why not get your marriage annulled, check it out or just leave

You know it's bad when you have to take drugs in order to sleep next to your husband. My husband can sometimes rattle the house with his snoring, but it doesn't bother me because I love having him next to me. When he's not rattling the house, the sound of his snoring puts me to sleep.

I don't blame you for being angry about the sex while on Ambien. That's not making love - it's date rape.

As far as I'm concerned your marriage isn't binding under the eyes of God - it's just a legal contract. You married each other because you got caught doing something you feel you should not have done. Marriage is supposed to be sacred - it shouldn't be a punishment. If you're worried about how God feels about this, maybe three years time served is good enough for Him.

I hope you'll be able to find your voice and start singing again.

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hold2truth said:
The only reason I agreed to marry him is because we got caught making love.

The only thing that's kept me in this marriage for so long (some of you snicker, I'm sure, because 3 years is NOT that long) is because it's "the right thing to do." Jesus said God abhors divorce.

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((( HUGS ))) - I am sorry you are having such hurt and sorrow in your heart...... and please know that while sex out side of marriage is not desired by God that it is not within its self a reason to marry (and) while God does not like divorce it can be forgiven by Him.

You can stay in the marriage and seek counseling to make it better (or) you can leave through the means of divorce and ask for forgiveness from God, then make a new life for our self.

just move out. him having sex with you without your being concious is still classed as rape as you did not consent. and you asked him not to. he sounds selfish and a bit pathetic. i say u just leave. its good there are no kids to complicate this. just leave. good luck. i think hes a bit of an arse

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nothemama8 said:
since there are no children involved why not get your marriage annulled, check it out or just leave

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I completely agree. although after 3 yrs I don't think it is possible to have it annulled.

God does not want his children to live in abuse. that is not His plan