Should I say something, or let it go?

My husband and I are separated living in the same house. I am three weeks away from delivering our daughter, our sons are 4 and 2. This pregnancy is a disaster, with gallbladder pain that keeps me up all night. Needless to say, I'm tired, and could use a little help around the house.

Yesterday, on my husbands day off, I told him to take some time to work on "his stuff". He is starting a business from home, and because I've been in and out of the hospital for the last four weeks, he hasn't had alot of time to work on it. He started his sales calls at 1:30 in the afternoon, the kids and I didn't really see him until bedtime at 10:30 pm (we go to bed late because of his job in the restaurant biz). I did the dishes in the morning. I ran out and grabbed groceries (although he did offer to go, but I needed to get out), I made lunch and cleaned up, I went to my OB appointment, I broke up all the kid fights, colored the pictures, took out the garbage, made a huge dinner (he forgot to say thank you - too busy on the computer), cleaned up, fed the dogs, played "Transformers" with the boys, and got them ready for bed. A few times throughout the day, he asked if there was "anything he could do for me", usually when I was already in the middle of doing something!

He thanked me at 10:00pm for "letting him do his stuff", I said I hadn't realized he was going to be at it all day. He looked at the clock and said "Oh ya, I guess I was, but it's important to us". I told him "No, it's important to you."

When this pregnancy went south, I asked him to step back from the business somewhat so that he could help me more around the house. He did for a while, but now that we've separated, it seems like he's using it as an escape. He has always believed having more money would solve most of our problems, and I told him last night again that I was going back to work after I am healed from the c-section to help us make ends meet. I am glad he's decided to put his business plan in motion, and proud of him, but our priority right now (and I thought we had agreed on this) should be to get me through the rest of this pregnancy.

I think even more than the lack of help yesterday, I am upset that he didn't answer his counsellor back (he's doing email therapy sessions), and stayed up watching a movie instead. Also, I bought him a book last week (after he said he appreciates any direcdtion I can give him) that directly addresses his issues (I was so excited when I read the first 10 pages, it's exactly what I've been trying to tell him for 6 years!), and he hasn't even started to read it! I think I'm angry because it seems like he's doing the same thing as always, talking a great game about all the changes he wants to make within himself, but his actions speak otherwise. I don't want to give up on him as a person, but I think I was right, he's just not strong enough to deal with his issues. nd it hurts too much for me to keep hoping.

I haven't cried for a few days, today I'm crying...

forgive me if I am wrong here, but you stated you did tell him to work on his business stuff. if I had been in your situation when he came in asking if there was anything you wanted him to do or needed him to do you should have said something to him then. please don't try to do it all on your own when he is asking if you need/want his help. you are having a difficult pregnancy and hon take the help when it is offered. I think at this point I would let this go but next time he offers take him up on it. good luck hon with the rest of the pregnancy and your marriage. I know how bad it hurts at times. (((hugs)))

Thanks bebop. And I know you're right, because of this pregnancy I should just tell him what to do to help me, but over the years I have told him exactly what I need, and he either forgets to do it, or I already have it done by the time he gets to it (he's a great procrastinator). It gets to the point where I feel like a nagging witch, and to be honest, I would rather just do it on my own than direct him like a 3 year old all day. And at this point, should I really need to tell him?I would think after I caught him starting to cheat on me again ten days ago that he would want to be waiting on me hand and foot!

(Sorry, I guess that's the anger showing it's ugly face today)

I feel for you wounded - being pregnant doesn't help. It sure does a job on your physical and emotional state. Kudos to you for pointing out it's important to him, not "us." Your emotions may be at a heightened state, but you're not stupid.

It's hard enough working on our own issues. It's even harder getting another person to work on their issues. We can provide them with tools, but we can't instill motivation in them or a desire to grow. We also can't expect their wounds to heal on our time schedule.

It was nice of you to offer him some free time, but please be careful when giving away for free what you can't afford to lose. In your condition, your health and that of your baby comes first. You're not doing yourself or your children any favors by playing "Superwoman." Put him to work if he offers to help - or agree upon a list of chores he can take off your hands. It's nice of you to think of your husband's welfare, but from where I'm sitting it doesn't look like he deserves any free favors or passes.

I'm glad you're taking all this advice with a grain of salt. In the end, you're the one who will have to live with the decisions you make in life. I hope this turns out well for you.

I would like to put another spin on this if you don't mind. And none of what I'm about to say is meant in a disparaging way to either you or your husband.

I get the impression (probably because this reminds me of me) that you started making decisions and doing things on your own because your husbands perception of when something needs to be done and your perception of when it should be done are two very different things. In that way, since you may be the one who thinks it should be done by a certain time and maybe even in a certain way, if he doesn't do it by then, you take it back and do it yourself.

We at that point then turn into a "control freak" or at least the very perception of one. The mate looks at it as....well, I wasn't fast enough or I didn't do it well enough, so let her do it as she sees fit as nothing I do is good enough or right enough. At that point, they give up and don't try because to them, there is no sense to it.

If this sounds somewhat familiar to you, I suggest that making a list of chores for your husband to do, in his own time and his own way is a good place to start. In making this list, you have to be willing to give up total control over those chores. No matter how frustrating it may be to you, or how late he seems to do the chores....the point is to get him to do them....no matter how they get done or when.

I could be wrong in my thought pattern here, but I see it happening all the time in relationships at home not only with myself but with my friends as well. Men by nature are fixers, and if they feel they can't do something right (according to our estimations) they will not even attempt to do anything once they have been told they aren't doing it right or fast enough. That's not a good place to be....for either of you

Oh, and please don't forget...there is always more than one right way to do something

Wishing you well...please, take good care of yourself and that baby.....take some breathes and try to figure out what you can let go of right now....something that is not emergent in getting done....and make that list for him to help.


sabby

you have had some good points put across allready

not much to add other than if its not urgent leave it for a while rest take care of you and the baby and kids, the cleaning will still be there tomorrow

Thanks ladies, I agree with you all! I did however say something to my husband, I had to, my anger and frustration was spilling out when I was dealing with the kids. None of this is their fault, and they shouldn't have to feel the tension, so I chose to address the issue directly with him.

I told him that I understand that his new business is a priority for him, and next time I will be more specific (ie. "If you want to make business calls, can you be done by 1:00pm so you can help me with lunch?"). And sabby, you're right, I get impatient when he doesn't do certain things right away, but it's because I have to face the consequences of his procrastination, not because I want the control. It's things that need to be done right away that I will ask him to do, ie: wash bottles before my teething little man starts crying for milk, or feed the dogs (who have a tendency to jump up on me when they have to wait for food, or step all over the kids when they're hungry - big dogs), things of that nature. I have explained the urgency for each "chore" numerous times, but still my "priorities" always come second.

Sigh...same response as always..."You're right, I'm sorry I'm such an ***, you deserve better, etc. etc. etc....", and then he proceeded to bury himself in "new business stuff" until he left for work at 4:00pm!

That's the one thing that's never going to change - his needs, his priorities will always come first, and he's right, I deserve better which is why I will eventually leave. He said today he will change (and hopes I will still be around when he does), that he wants to be different, and wants this marriage to work, but once again, his actions spoke much louder than his words.

Thanks for everything everyone. My heart is heavy today, but at least I know you are all rooting for me!

Oh wounded1, I feel for you.
I think the hardest part was reading that your husband's priorities always come first, and that is how my husband is as well.

I think you said it best when you were talking about how your husband will say..."I know, I love you, Im a jerk, I want to change", and then go right back to doing the SAME ole thing. Uggghhhh!!! My husband has been doing that for the last 5 years and it's so hard for me to accept that he just doesn't care!!!! (If he did, he would have taken the steps by now.)

You have to think of you and the kids now. Next time speak up and say, "Heck ya I need your help!"

I've gotta hand it to you. You have to be a strong strong woman to be dealing with 2 kids, one on the way, complications with the pregnancy, the house, cooking, shopping, playing with your boys, and dealing with ALL of his problems as well. You are amazing and don't let anyone ever tell you different girl!!!

Thanks brneyedgrl, my head knows I'm tough (thanks Mom for giving me such a great foundation of self respect!), but my heart is truly breaking. Every day that goes by, I am forced to admit to myself yet again that this marriage is not going to work, and this time next year, our family will be split up.

I look at my amazing, gorgeous, awesome, gifts (my children), and it hurts me to the core to know that I am going to have to walk away from the father they idolize. They cry when he leaves for work, ask me all day "how long until Daddy gets home?", and yet I know that staying with him for them is not the right thing to do.

My heart also breaks every time I stop and think of the marriage I had for a short period of time (although it wasn't based in reality it seems), and the love I thought I shared with a guy I truly believed to be my soulmate. All the plans we had, all the dreams, all gone in an instant. What's so hard about my marriage coming to an end is that I really didn't see it coming. Last time he went looking for an escape "cyber/phone fling", we were separated, andour marriage was in trouble. This time, we were closer than ever (I thought), and excited about the arrival of our new blessing, and it was outside stresses and frustrations that sent him looking for an "escape". It hurts almost as much as if fate took him from me in an accident, only it was his choices that led to this.

I'm sitting here with tears running down my face, feeling so lost and angry and hurt, and I just want to feel like I did 14 days ago...full of sunshine, laughter and hope.

Everyone here has offered such good advice. I do hope when the baby gets here, and a few months after, things might return to normal? I am glad to see your husband at least acknowledges his wrongs.

Wish you luck and warm vibes for the rest of your pregnancy

one other thing hon....it sounds like my marriage...lack of communication! we have to communicate communicate communicate! that is the key. I don't feel your marriage is really over. I think you are frustrated for sure. it is normal. hang in there hon.

Bebop, how can my marriage NOT be over?!! Our relationship was never based on honesty (he told me all the things I wanted to hear for seven months during our long distance relationship - all the truths started to come out a year after we were together), abondoned me all the times I need him the most (during difficult pregnancies, miscarriages and Endometriosis), stopped communicating and turned to "cyber flings" to share his thoughts with and took me for granted over and over (at times even treating me like "the help").

There is so little to hold on to. There's no trust. I can't tell the lies from the truth. He says all the right things, but his actions speak otherwise. He'll start counselling with great enthusiasm, but a week or two later (now), it starts becoming less and less important. His wants and needs have always come first, even now when he has cut me to my very soul again.

He says he wants to change, he wants to make me happy. He says I deserve better...I've heard it all before. How many times do I have to put myself through the same cycle? He's already hurt me so much.