[SeptemberMorn]

when someone says something to you that upsets you?

My neighbor across the street called me "lard ***" and said "screw you" to me yesterday, almost in the same sentence. We've always gotten along and he's been giving hubby and me gifts lately; anything from really small to a manual wheel chair for me that I really needed. We share things with him. It's almost like he's a member of the family. Then he comes out with this yesterday.

After he left was when I had the thought that I was going to have to say something to him. Why didn't I say it when it happened?! I get so angry with myself when I let things like that go! It just doesn't occur to me. I have a comeback for when someone says "screw you" to me. It's "You ain't man enough!" but I thought that would have been rude. And what he said to me wasn't??

I'm sure I'll see him today and I plan to say something but, geeeeeeeeeeeez!!! I wish I could have said something right then!!

Anybody else do this? Why do you think it is?

[MyBestKids2]

I don't always have a comeback because it isn't worth the aggravation. Just me though

[SeptemberMorn]

You don't let people verbally abuse you, do you? If you don't stop it, it will continue. This guy isn't going to call me names and get away with it! ggrrrrr

[EJ711]

SeptemberMorn,

Yes, I definitely have delayed reactions.

I had the first really big fight with my older brother by 12 years, the last time I saw him alive. He died suddenly a month later, and while I had made up with him in writing (we lived at a distance), I never saw him again IRL.

I have had two go-arounds with the assistant to my boss, who is in charge of disbursing the final checks to the teachers at the end of the Spring and Fall semesters. She acts like it is her job to hold onto the checks instead of giving them to the poor teachers. We only get paid three times during the five-month semester.

This last time she started saying to me I was "confused". I was dead silent. I was trying to figure out if I could use that to my advantage in getting my check, I was also so angry, I didn't know what would come out of my mouth if I opened it at that particular moment.

I will pray for divine guidance for you in what to say to your neighbor. I have conflict.

EJ

[EJ711]

I meant to type, "I hate conflict". I do have conflict too with husband of 35 years, who loves conflict -- but that is another story.

[bebop]

when someone tells me "screw you" I simply tell them "no thanks, I would fall asleep and you would fall in love" gets them every time lol. got get him honey!

[sabby]

This kind of thing happens to me often...and I figured out it was because I'm usually so taken aback by the comment that I'm almost stupified and can't think. Another reason is that I always feel emotion first and think later...so I have to process things and the older I get the slower I go

((((((((((((((((( Septi )))))))))))))))) Since you all seem to have had a great relationship up until yesterday....maybe there was something that was bothering him and something set him off in a way that he doesn't usually react? Maybe asking him why he went off will help in understanding him a bit more and could give him the opportunity to apologize if he really didn't mean what he said. I know it's hard not to want to lash out in return because we feel mistreated....I try hard first to understand what brought about their reaction .....then if it's still out there and there isn't a good reason for it....then I tell them off...


sabby

[SeptemberMorn]

Although smart remarks go through my mind, like I could have called him "beer gut" or "lard gut" when he called me "lard ***"... or I could wait till the apropriate time to do it, I won't. Still can't come up with a comeback for "this is a good as you're getting from me." I know I've gotten this remark from him before, but I can't remember what he said.

All I plan on telling him next time I see him is "You know how you told me that you were really upset with me because of the cigarette butts? Well, now it's my turn to be upset with you. Calling me names, especially in my house, doesn't fly, Jim. I'd appreciate it if you refrained from making nasty comments like that to me." If he comes back with anything less that "ok" or "I'm sorry" I'll tell him to not bother talking to me, then.

I just don't know why I never think to say something at the time a rude remark is made to my face! I'm wondering if it's leftovers from when I was a victim. Maybe it doesn't even register at the time that it's said... and I just take it like I used to.

Before I married my first husband, who verbally, emotionally and physically abused me constantly, I was really quick with standing up for myself or with comebacks that usually shut the person up right away. I don't know... am I still in victim mode or am I just getting old and slow on the draw? Maybe it's just shock?

Anywho... I don't like not saying something at the time the nasty remark is made.

[SeptemberMorn]

LOL Basically, you're saying the same thing I do... "not man enough".

Oh, I'm gonna get him, but not in kind. I refuse to bring myself back down to that level. ggrrrrr!

[SeptemberMorn]

"I always feel emotion first and think later"

So you don't speak out of emotion? I used to. It that good or not? LOL

The day before, he was looking at my old manual wheelchair and commented that it was a wide one. He had the unmitigated gall to ask me how much I weigh! And would you believe, right after that he told me a joke about a little girl that was asking her mom all kinds of personal questions to which the mother replied, "there are just some things little girls don't ask their mommies." I added "or to ladies." It must have gone over his head. It won't next time! I'm make sure of it!

[sabby]

Well....when I react out of emotion first, most of the time it is an over-reaction and not the right way to deal with something. I've worked hard at biting my tongue and allowing myself to feel the emotion, figure out why I feel it, and then tempering my words back to the individual who ticked me off or hurt me. So yes, sometimes that means a delayed reaction. And that's ok....at least I come off sounding more intelligent than the maroon who insulted me....and I LIKE that! LOL

Sounds like this guy is just an insensitive clod.....seems like there is a lot of that going around lately LOL

Sorry that happened to you Tomi.....

[nothemama8]

Well Twinomi, from one lard butt to another lard butt, ( you know I'm joking right ), you could just turn the other cheek and let God take care of him, or slap him side the head with , " At least I can lose my lard butt, can you lose ugly
Twingie

[AAAAA]

I'm really envious of people that can comeback with things right away. I'm usually so stunned when someone is that rude that I just don't know what to say.

[sarahlilianne]

Same thing for me... I react later because I get so stunned of the person's rudeness. They get my goat only once though!
Lily

[SeptemberMorn]

LOL That's funny, Twingie! I probably would have thought of that or something similar in my younger day.

[SeptemberMorn]

Yeah... the best I came up with at the moment was "Be nice." ggrrrr Then he said "That's as nice as you're gonna get from me." I should have told him to leave, then.

Maybe I'll get it sorted out today... What a jerk!

[Doh2007]

I think we are in shock that someone could be that rude. It's like a slap in the face. My mind just goes blank.

[nothemama8]

if thats "as nice as he's going to be" ya should have said "turn to ice and melt into the sewer"

[nightbird]

Hi Sky,

Yes, I have delayed reactions somewhat today.

I think it began in my mid 20's when I had lost my voice re: how I felt regarding everything in my life (ptsd after worst experiences ever, etc).

I used to be sharp as a tac.
In a humorous way, not a vicious way - where some people seem to go after today, the juglar.

After passing thru my youth, (after 30, lol) I still hadn't recovered my sense of humor fully yet, so I bit my tongue on 'comebacks' that could be considered inflammatory when I was ticked because I didn't want to hurt anyones' feelings, as mine were, right?

I got so bad at comebacks, I used to just let my mind go blank after offensive words were spoken to me, although that way I'd scratch my head later - asking - after what they said to me, why didn't I retaliate? Tit-for-tat, a comeback, a put-down, a tell-off, something, whatever.

I realized it's only good when nobody gets hurt, and perhaps someone becomes enlightened ...a food for thought kind of thing. Using a clever line is a definate plus!

That's where I am now, but I still miss a beat here and there, (as I recovered my sense of humor and never lost my ability to call a spade a spade) ... but I am also much more cautious these days

Not everyone can handle the word-play to get ones point across, nor can be witty or clever at the same time.

Words being so powerful, and most of us being forth-right honestly, we realize that using words personally towards someone that cuts them, whether we realize it or not, is not worth the price of being witty.

Nothing is worse that spitting out shoe-leather on top of losing face or friends, neighbors, close alliances, whatever because we had to have something smart-assed to say after we were verbally challenged.

I guess maturity is getting the best of us.

I'll take the high road when possible.
As you did.

If I have to quip after a delayed reaction from being stunned, tired, or outright fed up with the person ... I'd try and find something humorous, to the point, and even outrageous ... but not hurtful.

If I need to be hurtful, it's usually when we sit someone down with the truth about their actions or intent, and that usually doesn't cover aging, changing, neighbor-mans, lol.

I'd think of something funny without losing your own sensibilities, and right some quips down in a journal, for future usage, lol.

You just got rusty, and probably from prior victimizing also ... and can back in the game in no time.

If it's worth it to you. Hope you say something cool ... i'm sure he had you mixed up with somebody else anyway, so go easy!

Peace and Love,
nightbird

night

[SeptemberMorn]

Good one, Angie! LOL

[SeptemberMorn]

How about... "Who do you think you are that gives you the right to speak to me that way?" Or simply, "If that's the way you're going to speak to me, don't bother speaking." In my case, I could have showing him the front door... so why didn't I?

[SeptemberMorn]

Sarah, what do you do or say to keep it from happening again? Even late is better than never.

[SeptemberMorn]

I think if someone slapped me in the face, I'd really react immediately, then! I'd slap right back or punch in the stomach or lower if it was man! Noooooo, my days of getting hit have long been over!

All of this has sure given me food for thought. It's not that I want to get back at this man, I just want to stop his verbal abuse before it goes any further. Those days are over, too... if I could just get my mouth open in time.

[BalishBun]

Oh heck yes i have delayed reactions....! Or the thought "why didnt i say it that way, or you know i should have said this"

[SeptemberMorn]

Well, I was ready for him this morning! He started telling me how to talk to my husband of 30+ years! HE has only known him for the few months he's lived across the street... which can be counted on the fingers of one hand. I've known my husband for over 30 years! And HE'S telling me what I'm doing wrong? I'm telling my husband what to do, mostly out in the yard. That's what my husband has asked me to do! We used to argue about how and where to clip roses, where to clip when we're dead-heading, where I want the water to travel when I'm flooding the rose bed, etc. SHEEEEESH! And this guy thinks he knows better?? I already told him that I've known my husband for over 30 yrs and I should know better how to get things done that *I* want! He said he was leaving but that he'd come back and talk to me later. I asked him how he figured I'd be open to his suggestions about my marriage. If he does come back to insult me, etc., I'm ready for him! I'll simply tell him that my marriage and how both my husband and I handle it is NONE OF HIS BUSINESS!