What would you think?

I'll get right to the point. I am going crazy I don't know what to think or do about my Hoping soon to be husbands friends. Long story short all are female & most he has had past relations with. One that really bugs me is a girl he met & dated 13teen or 15 years ago. I feel this girl wants to be more then his friend , she tells him she loves him & call 3 times or more a week on his cell phone. She lives in a different state & he hasn't seen her I believe in years ,but never stop talking to her. Just like all his friends was known before me. I have known him for 3 years , but only truly been with him for the past 5 months. I am 4 months prego & I love him with all my heart, but he says we can't get married till we work thinggs out . He says I need to learn to trust him . That I shouldn't be threating by his friends he wouldn't cheat on me. He doesn't see any of them face to face ,but it just hurts me to see him talking with other women , I am very insecure & all this doesn't help. He tells me they are only friends & he has known them for years, longer then he has known me. This is very hard for me I don't know what to do . He tells me he loves me very much , but still I have no ring. He is getting a house & wants me & my first child to live with him. I want this so much, but I want to know he is truly mine before I go.

I'm sorry you feel this way and I hope everything gets worked out for you *pat pat*

First, there's nothing like a lump of carbon to let you know how much someone loves you right?

I could write ten pages on reasons why you might feel this way. But the fact is his friends are not going to go away without his relationship with you becoming unhealthy, especially friends he has known for years longer than you.

The different things that can be causing this range from you not being able to trust your father, to the idea that maybe he is untrustworthy and you're trying to force yourself into believing he is to live out that fairy tale we are all trained to believe is love.

I hope things get better for you. You have my sympathy.

<3

Melissa,
To start with I feel that it is completely inappriopiate for any girl (friend or not) to be calling your boyfriend and telling him that she loves him period!! It is unacceptable and your boyfriend should be telling her the same thing. The fact that he allows this to continue shows a complete lack of respect for you. Would you do that to him?
I do not think that this is about you wanting him to stop seeing his friends? Is it? From what I have gathered you just seem upset that boundaries things are being crossed (which they are) and you seem to want more from this relationship.
IMHO it does not matter if he has known his friends longer then you. You are the one who is in a relationship with him now and he should start acting like it.

Jessica

Hello Melissa Ann --

I agree with everything that Shakes said. It is a question of boundaries and appropriate behavior. I support your seeing a counselor to talk about it.

I'm going to share a bit about my story with you. Then, I will share my conclusions, so if you get tired of reading about moi, jump to the numbered list at the bottom.

I was madly, passionately in love with the man I married (30 years ago -- long story.) He had many women in his life. We were a "breaking up and making up" couple. And when we were broken up, some of the women who were "just friends" were in his bed faster than I could untwist the cap of a pickle bottle. Of course, they "didn't mean anything" to him once we were back together.

I was mugged and laid up for about a year and a half. He was a music critic and started squiring a woman ten years younger than I to concerts. I was 29 and she was 19. I was not supposed to be angry or jealous bec. they were "just friends" and he was helping her out bec. she was a music student. Later, I befriended her to find out what was going on, and it was true. She had another BF and was not interested in my guy. She also was not saying "I love you" to him and calling 3X a week.

Fast forward 5 years. Now I am the friend. I am not saying "I love you" or anything like that. He is remarried, and I try to be friendly with his new wife, as well, bec. she is a nice lady. I don't want her to have to be jealous as I was. The hub and I were in the same business (news), so it was pretty hard to avoid running into him. I know, deep down, I still love him. I love him so much that I honestly want him to be happy with his new wife.

However, one night her mother gets drunk and tells me to just leave my X alone. I was in such deep denial of my love for him that I honestly didn't know what she was talking about.

Fast foward 25 years. My 15 year relationship breaks up and I get in touch with my ex. He hasn't had a relationship that last longer than 5 years. He is not in one when I see him. He says misleading things such as, "You know I'll always love you."

I get in into my head that this man -- who has been the great love of my life, even during my 15 years with a stable man -- and I can get back together.

Then, after a couple of months of my trailing after him, he reveals that he's fallen in love with someone else. My overtures were overt, to say the least, and he could have told me this at least 2 months earlier. But he let me go on and on.

And suddenly I get it! The X was raised by 2 women -- his mom and grandmom. And I see how he always played them against each other. And I see that he always kept another woman in my face to ramp up my feelings for him. And then I became the "other woman" -- and he used it to create emotional instability for his next wife. So she was always the "crazy, jealous" person. I suddenly understand what her mom meant when she told me to butt out.

And I see why he kept me on the string for 2 months. One, it feeds his ego. And two, he was keeping me in the new woman's face, ramping up her interest. I could even hear the tone of voice that he would talk about me to her in -- about how his ex was just "crazy" about him, and he didn't knew what to do about it. Oh, my love would have been such a cross for him to bear. Didn't want to hurt me (like keeping me on the line two months with misleading statements wasn't hurtful). Oh, yes, poor X, such a nice wonderful guy with women falling over him.

Okay, there is a point, or more than 1, and I'm getting to it.

1. Consider your ex's background. If you're not seeing a counselor, it might be a good idea to start and have someone to talk with. Is there any situation in his background -- such as being raised by women, coming from a family sisters, that explains his behavior.

2. Is he making you wrong? You're jealous, you're crazy, etc. If he is, he has got you right where he wants you. Count on being wrong and crazy almost every time his ideas about how to live are different from yours. I was friendly with his X -- and this was the same strategy he used on me and her. Making you crazy for your jealousy is just the start.

3. One of the things I learned from my marriage was that I didn't want to be with a man who needed that kind of attention from women. The man I was with for 15 years had a special good female friend from his sandbox days. She was happily married. They loved each other, but there was nothing threatening about the relationship. It was sweet. No jealousy. He had some other distant friendships with one or two gals from his college years.

If a man needs to keep other women in my face, he's not the right man for me. I deserve better than that. And emotionally, I do not want to deal with it.

4. If you are jealous, do not discount your emotions. You may be sensing an untrustworthiness in this man that you "can't put your finger on." That doesn't mean that it isn't real.

There is a lot to work out in this relationship. I wish you much good with it. I think seeing a counselor would be helpful.

PS -- I still love my X madly. But he is one of the most emotionally unstable people I've met. Even if he decided he wanted me back, it would not be good for me. Bummer, huh? Also, maturity in knowing and respecting myself.

(((Sky)))) and ((((Melissa Ann))))
I am so sorry for both of you!!
Sky I completely agree with you as well!! Guys can be such jerks sometimes!!

Jessica

I have come to the concluetion that he doesn't love me. I believe he cares for me ,but not in love with me. I am having his baby I think thats why he is staying ,but at the same time keeps me at a distance, he does what he wants to do, I do not come first in his life. I can't blame him I don't love me either, I don't even like myself . He is getting a house ,but I have decided that I am staying here. If I was to go with him & when he tells me it's over I wouldn't have a home to come back to it would be gone. Anyway he's better off with out me all I do is make his life harder then it has to be.

MelissaAnn -- He knocks you up. He shuts you out. He carries on indiscreetly with an old flame and blames you for being jealous. How do you from there to thinking that "I can't blame him" and "He's better off without me."?

I think you are being way too nice to him and way too hard on yourself.

(((((((((((((((((((MelissaAnn))))))))))))))))))))

MelissaAnn , you need to sit back an look at the whole picture, your the nice person here, he's the jerk who doesn't deserve you, seems like he wants his cake and eat it too.
Angie

Melissa Ann,

What everyone is telling you here is right. It sounds to me like this guy has a lack of committment to you if he will talk for hours to some woman who says she loves him. I come from the opposite end of the story...

I have been in love with this guy for like 10 years. We were best friends all through high school, but then he went on a mission for his church that took him away for two years with only letters as contact. He wrote very regularly and said he loved me and all that, but we have never been in a "relationship." Just had some mutual feelings that we never quite co-ordinated. Anyway, he came home and we went to different colleges and haven't been in touch that much. I still love him so deeply and I probably always will. We had a special once-in-a-lifetime kind of friendship. HIs parents even called me their daughter. And he took me to his family's Thanksgiving last year.

This year, he met a girl in the city he's living in and started dating her casually. He still kept in touch with me, as friends, as always. But the more serious he got about her, the less I heard from him. As soon as he started talking serious committment with her, things were never the same between me and him- and you can bet neither of us was saying "I love you" either! He married her in September. I haven't seen or heard from him since the day before his wedding, and even then all talk was about her.

That is the way it is supposed to be. As much as it hurts me, this new girl is his life partner. She will be raising his children. She will be his number one priority forever. And it is my job to disappear and be nothing but a face from the past. And it is HIS job to respect the bond he has with her, and not desire to maintain an overly close relationship with another woman- even me, someone he has grown up close to his entire life. Things are as they should be.

This man in your life should be doing what my friend has done. He should be maintaining only friendly, distant contacts with the female friends in his past- absoultely NO "I love you"s or long phone calls. He should be especially careful around anyone that their is a history with. If he was committed to you, he'd be doing that on his own.

He's not worth your time, honey. Devote your life to this child until you find the man who can really give you and your child what you need and deserve.

Good luck to you! ((((hugs))))

Angela

I feel I am the one in the wrong . I have issuse no dought. I love him very much maybe to much. Last night I had one of my upsets cause he was talking to his ex wife not for that, but for the fact she was asking for ex money (once again ) this time was for a DR. bill. I got upset first was anger mixed with fear then turned to saddness. Anyway , he went to bed mad & I was up awhile . I wrote him a note telling him I was sorry, please forgive me ,please know I'm trying. He wrote back this morning saying he's tired of all this fighting would like to go more then 2 days without making me mad,hurting my feelings whatever I want to call it. So I sent him a tex message telling him to please call me , I was sorry & didn't want to go through the day feeling the way I am. He wouldn't call instead he worte me this>>Subj: Re: Please call me
Date: 11/17/2004 4:33:42 AM Pacific Standard Time

Sent from the Internet (Details)



Melissa,
The problem is that we fight and argue entirely too much. We fight becuase of things that I do or say and things that I don't do or say that I probably should have. I'm not the person you want me to be. I don't think I can be the person you want me to be. I'm sorry that your relationship with your ex is very bitter and you think he's a piece of [censored]. But when you say that in front of Aly it really bothers me. I have to bite my tongue because it's just not right. I'm sorry that you don't feel a need or desire to maintain any kind of contact with people you've dated before. YOu don't put a high value on friendship or people in general, in seems. I think that's a very bitter attitude, but that's you. It's not me. It's not who I am or who I want to be. I have a good relationship with my ex. We get along very well. I feel a responsibility to her. I know how much money she makes and I know what kind of expenses she has. I know how hard she struggles. But n
one of that is relavent. The fact of the matter is simple, I'm the type of person who was brought up to help people with out question of motivation. It could have been any one of a number of people that I would have given money to. A few years ago when I was in a pinch and needed some money, Eileen M took out a thousand dollar laon against her credit card and gave it to me. That's the kind of trusting relationship that she and I have with each other. I try to treat people the same way I would like to be treated. I will help any one in any way I can regardless of whether or not they've ever done anything for me. I did get your text message this morning. Then one where you said that you don't have a right because we arn't married. The problem is even if we were married, I wouldn't seek your approval to give my ex or any one else 50 or 60 dollars, or even a hundred. If it were 3-4 hundred, then I would talk to you about it.
Another problem is that I don't spend all day long thinking about you and missing you. I spend my day at work concentrating on what I have to get accomplished. If I know that I'm going to be much later than 7 or so, I'll give you a call to let you know. But I'm not going to call you just because I'm on a 24 hours shift and you're board. I should have called you because I wasn't really working, All I was doing was playing those stupid games. But I was caught up in them. I brought the games for that reason, I didn't want to sit around and be baord for 24 hours. But at least that was the first actual complaint that you've had that I didn't think was undeserved.

I do think about you when I'm driving home. It's more of worry. I'm worried about what we are going to fight over next. I cant seem to go more than 48 hours with out upsetting you so I guess I was due last night. I don't want to spend the rest of my life living like this or feeling like I have to walk on egg shells. If my ex asks for money and I give it to her, I don't think I should have to hide it from you. But that's what it's leading to. The bottum line is simple, I'm going to do what I think I need to do regardless of whether you think its right or fair.

You know, I don't demand a lot from you and I expect even less. But I do demand my identity. I like the kind of person I am and wouldn't change it even if I could. At one time I expected you to go to school, to do something for yourself that would help you feel good about yourself, but that expectation is gone. If you ever go back to school it will be a pleasant surprise. I wish you were more helping of others. You will call your sister if you want someone to go to the store with you or if you want her to take you somewhere but if she asks you to do anything you act like you're being crusified. Chris asks you to take Aly to her Brownie meetings and you act like the world is coming to an end. This is for your daughter and you cant support something that she likes because its a slight inconvienence to you. You really don't have much else to do. If I knew I could get there on time every day, I would take her because it's good for her. She's developing social skills,
team work, community involvement and a good foundation that will help keep her off the streets when she's a teenager. And wathcing her show off her arts and crafts that they will be doing and bragging over what kind of cake she will be making is worth a little inconveince of driving her back and forth.
So no, I'm not going to call you right now or for the rest of the day. I'm affraid anything I say will only piss you off more than this letter already has. Thats what he wrote me. I feel num ,thats what I feel right now.

uhh, there's a massive difference between "in love" and "love"

love is selfless caring of another's well being, "in love" comes after, and takes a very long time to create.

5 months is not a very long time.....

go read a codependent recovery book or something, you have alot of pain to go through, he does have some problems of his own, like having sex so early... but anyway

here's what you need to do. Look at yourself and realize you have a problem, see if you can get your bf to do the same, forgive yourself for having those problems, and work on resolving them. You fix your own problems alone, but you share the healing with each other, and you can create real love. You'll create emotional intimacy, but you must learn to accept each other or its just gonna go splat. Love and accept everything.

Well seems like you have alot of pain coming your way, so good luck to you!

Realize that this post IS support, and it IS made out of love for other people, namely you. All i'm trying to do is help. All i can do is hope you listen.