[youOme]

There has been a hell of a lot of stuff going on around here lately, I haven't been on because of it....all the bs. My self esteem has hit rock bottom, I feel like a hoodrat. Like a toothless, uneducated, redneck. Like the trashy people you see on Jerry Springer.

I have betrayed my best friend, my husband, and my young children, for something less than love and something more then lust. For something I cannot myself explain nor understand. We're all aware of the affair I have been having. Ya'll know the basics.

Brief over the situation is I have been cheating on my husband and seeing my best friends husbands. They are separated but still legally married. They have children together, my husband and I have children together. I've literally exhausted myself doing the things I have been doing. Mentally, physically, and emotionally.

The truth was revealed to my husband and my best friend. My husband is begging for me to stay and my best friend despises me. I guarantee I'll awake to slashed tires soon, I'm waiting for the day. The truth was revealed because I was tired of lying all the time to be with my lover. He was also tired of his wife (my best friend) begging for him to come back to her. We were both tired of sneaking around. Now the %#@&#! has hit the fan...literally.

I'm in the middle of this all....all my doing, I have corrupted everything.

I'm not sure what to do either. Either I sacrifice everything I worked for these last couple years to be with a man who doesn't even have a license or a car, or be with my husband who treats me like I am %#@&#! to him. There is no fixing my friendships.

I don't know what to do anymore.

[bebop]

I don't have the words for you but I am really sorry you are going thru this. I think you knew in your heart though when you started this it would happen. right now the best thing you can do is to stop the affair for your childrens sake. they are the only concern at this point. or should be. the other man has nothing really to offer if you think about it hon. I am not saying stay in your marriage if it is a bad one either. the children at number 1!

[Wants2Fly]

I am sorry that you are going through this. It sounds emotionally messy and stressful for everyone involve.

I think Bebop's got in right -- the kids are just innocent bystanders and should come first, whatever you decide.

[Doh2007]

It sounds like you are in a crisis. Maybe you should pull back and attend to yourself and your children. It doesn't sound like you have any energy to spare for the men in your life. I don't think beating yourself up will do any good, but nurturing yourself will.

[youOme]

It's all become a game...all I do is run away from my life, from all these people. My life is literally falling apart.

I feel awful for the people I am supposed to care for the most. My sister is also back to her old ways too, I have my nephew in the mix now....again.

I wish some magical event would occur and cure me of all my confusion and of all my problems.

I think you are your own worst enemy. I really feel you should take a huge step back and get some perspective in life, your children first and foremost, they need some good examples in life and some consistancy.

Then your marriage, ask yourself are you commited to it or not if not then why not ? If you truly feel that your marriage is over with then leave.

Then yourself, you need some self respect and to get that maybe some time alone without a man on the scene, this will do your children good too.

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((((((youOme))))))))))))))
I'm sorry things are so confusing right now. I hope things get better soon.

[youOme]

I have told myself I will not live or have a serious relationship with another man, but as far as my marriage....now there is most definitely no hope. Even if we worked out our issues, I have broken all the trust and he'll do nothing but resent me for having an affair....which I do not blame him for.

What I mainly plan on doing is getting on my own feet and being officially on my own for the first time in my entire life. It is time.

[wanttoheal]

I think it's a good thing, being able to stand on your own. For me, I have more choices now because of that. And because I do not feel trapped in that kind of thing, I am able to make better choices for me and my children.

You are wise Desirae in knowing what you need to do. Good luck with everything and please keep us posted. We want to support you.

[Wants2Fly]

Hi there --

You wrote that your marriage cannot be saved, because you broke trust. Yet, many marriages have survived this. The most recent is John Edwards, stepping out on his wife when she had cancer, then portraying himself as the ultimate family man during his campaign. Perhaps it is easier for women to be the long-suffering partner than it is for a man.

Is there any chance your husband will attend pastoral or marriage counseling with you? Do you even want the marriage to survive?

[seeker1950]

Des...YouOme, Hun!
I have read all this thread, and you have gotten some excellent advice. I really can't add to it, except to say I somewhat identify with your experience. I did stay in a loveless marriage for 20 years for my daughter. In retrospect, I think I should have been more assertive to gain independence earlier on, but i felt I had no choices.
I never had a "physical affair," but I did emotionally attach to a man, who rejected me because I couldn't consummate the relationship. It took me a good 10 years, all the while still married, to recover from it. My husband knew of this, and with the nature of our marriage, it didn't really matter. I stayed.
I have now learned to be self-sufficient without a man. It's good for me , but I'm much older than you.
The man with whom you have had this affair sounds, quite frankly, like a loser, and more like an "escape" from your present situation.
If you do choose to leave, try to follow the others' advice here and do it for yourself, your independence, and establishing your own self-esteem and for your children.
Patty

[youOme]

All the stress related too this situation has taken a toll on my babies.... a lot. I feel awful all the time, because I know they are worried. It's not fair or right to have a three and four year old worry the way they have. My husband and I are getting along great, for the sake of the kids. But, I did disappear from home for four days attemtping to answer some desperatly needed questions, for myself. I ended up doing nothing more then drinking. Still, my answers are not there. My friends and kin don't even know what to say to me, other than....yes, you're doing the right thing by leaving your husband, but no, not for him (meaning my lover).

I'm with my babies now, and I can tell they missed me horribly. I cry thinking....what if they believed I was not going to ever come back? That can impact a person forever. Have I destroyed everybodies life along with my own?

Still, I am mentally and emotionally exhausted. I cannot eat because of my obsessive worrying. Not sure what to do other than sleep and get drunk.



I really need help desperatly......I'm alone.

[wanttoheal]

Des, can you check out the county mental health center? They are often free and while it might take a bit to get in, once you are in the system, it's easier to get appts.

It did affect your babies, I'm sure, but you have not destroyed their lives at all. For me, when I was feeling awful, it helped to completely focus on my children instead of me. While it might have just been a distraction, we all benefited from it and my children and I have a wonderful relationship because of it.

Hang in there Des. I hope you are able to get some help.

[seeker1950]

YouOme...I understand how you're feeling..I really do, so I'm not going to preach to you. But...first...this lover of yours has nothing to offer you, except maybe some temporary escape. Could he offer you a safe and comfortable home, a place to take care of your children? It doesn't sound like it, and you can't leave your children, can you?

Yes, you are alone, at least in your own thoughts and recovery right now. You do need sleep and rest. I hope you can do this while assuring your children that you are there for them.

It is my rather cynical opinion that much of what we do, especially while young and of child-bearing age, is the primal drive of pair-bonding, which is biological, accompanied by the desire for passion. The "forbidden fruit" is even more addictive and attractive, hard to get over. You've engaged in relations with your best friend's husband. Not much more forbidden than that.

Time to "man-up" or "woman-up" and take a deep breath.
Patty

[bextar]

There is a book called In the Meantime by an author called Ilyana Vanzant. It is amazing. Give it a wirl you have nothing to lose.