Hurt and Confused

Sorry this is so long, please do read this and help me, I'm so confused, if you want to know anything else about this you can message me or ask me here, I just need some wisdom from ya'll.

I'm so confused right now, I don't know what to do.
I had, a really close friend, he was really close to me and we hung out alot. After he graduatied he left home to live with some relatives, we stayed in touch, we talked on the phone alot and he would come down and visit. All was well then he meet this girl, she is not a very nice person and is involved in a plethra of illegal things. He fell head over heels in love with her moved in with her and her druggie friends and after that the phone calls stopped and when he was in town he wouldn't call me and then lie to me that he was never in town, I knew he was lying because his mom told me he was in town. Last time I spoke to him or saw him was at graduation, I was schocked and touched he came to my graduation and thought that maybe things would change. I found out he is doing drugs and drinking every night and has lost two jobs because of this.
I know he cares, he gave me a huge hug before he left and was tearing up because we never hang out anymore, he told me how much he missed me and that I should stay in touch, I responded why don't you answer my calls and maybe we could do something. He said yeah he would and that he would be in touch next time he was in town, what a lie. I saw his mom two days ago and she asked if he had come to see me, I said no why, she said oh well he was in town last weekend. Now here he is messaging me on Facebook telling me he misses me and that he loves me and I'm his bestfriend in the whole wide world. I don't know if I should message him back or not, I don't want to talk to him, it hurts to much, he isn't the same person, yet I do want to talk to him and tell him everything that has been on my mind, tell him I'm worried about him and that he needs help. I don't know what to do, I'm so hurt and confused, I am almost in tears, I hate to see my friend like this, I hate that he keeps doing this. Somebody help me, I just need some advice, I don't want to see him die or ruin his life. I miss my friend and I don't knwo what to do about it.

((((((((((((( Silversparrow )))))))))))))))

I can so understand how you are feeling about your friend. It is sad and scary to know that a dear one has gone down a very bad path and is hurting himself.

Please know that when a person gets into alcohol and drugs, their minds begin to misfire and they don't think properly anymore. All of a sudden, instead of living a good and healthy life, they are now living for the next drink and/or drug. That's the only thing that really matters from there on out...........until..............they grab hold of themselves and reach out for help.

I would have no doubt that he truly does care for you. But right now, he is wrapped up in his warped little world and the real and true things are just a memory in his mind. I'm sure he doesn't mean to lie to you about getting together....I'll bet he really wants to do that, but the other things get in his way and he is unable to pull from it and go back to his normal lifestyle at this time.

You seem to have a good relationship with his mom. Is there any way you can sit down and talk with her about your thoughts? Does she have any idea what her son is up to now? Maybe together you can both do some kind of intervention with him? Sometimes people need the extra help from loved ones to see what is wrong and to find the help they need to get back on track. Please know, that even if you can do an intervention, it may not work. It really depends on how dependent he is on the alcohol and drugs and where his mindset is at this time.

It sounds to me that if he is messaging you on Facebook, he is trying to hold onto some normalcy and to know that you still care about him. Maybe it's his way of reaching out to you and hoping you reach back to help him?

I hope you can get some conversation going with him and with his mom. I also hope you can find some peace and understanding along the way. I wish you both well!


sabby

hon I am so sorry he is doing this stuff. drugs change people completely. the bad thing is there is nothing you can do other than let him know he is going on a downhill path to distruction. let him know you are there for him when he is ready to get off the stuff and come to his senses.

(((((((((Sabby)))))))))) ((((((((Bebop))))))))))))))

His mom knows what is going on, but won't do anything about it, part of the reason he moved out was because of his mom and his abusive step-dad. I've actually talked to his mom about it and she just kinda of shrugged her shoulders and said it's no point to try, he won't stop till he wants to, I'm shocked by this because this is the same woman who threatend to kick him out three years ago when he got caught with marjuiania, and made him straighten himself out, I guess she is just tired of trying and apologized for him being such a bad friend and that I was always welcomed at her house.

I want so bad to keep in contact with him, but it hurts so much, and I'm confused about that because I know I have very self destructive tendiencies and the part of me that is trying to stop hurting myself so much screams for me not to stay in contact with him because it is a way of hurting me. I don't even know what to write back to him all he wrote to me was "Dear Friend, I love you, I miss you."

What should I say to him, I can't keep my mouth shut much longer about any of this, I know I need to say something to him because noone else will, I think besides his cousin who is away in Califronia at bootcamp, I'm the only one besides his roomates and girlfriend that he keeps in touch with.

Dear Silver --

I am sorry that you have to go through this, just when you should be celebrating your graduation.

Sabby said everything I would have written. I would add one thing -- we do not know what frame of mind he is in when he write messages that he loves you and then later doesn't call or comes home and ignores you.

You asked: What should I say to him, I can't keep my mouth shut much longer about any of this, I know I need to say
something to him because noone else will.

I was a drinker and drug user when I was younger. I did not listen to people who try tried to make me see what I was doing to myself. And even after I saw it, it was very very hard to get off the treadmill of addiction and out of a certain lifestyle.

You can try to speak your mind. You will at least know that you tried. You must be prepared that he is not going to listen, just as his mother has resigned herself to his current path.

I wish that much good comes into your life, Sparrow.

Awwww Silver.....it's really important for you to take good care of yourself through this. Many times when we have relationships with those who abuse alcohol and/or drugs we are in a very toxic relationship with those folks. They learn very quickly how to push our buttons to get the most bang for their buck and we're left standing there wondering HUH????? What just happened??

You may very well care deeply about your friend but you also have to realize that we cannot always save our friends from themselves. We just don't have that control.....it's up to them.

If you must respond to him, then maybe you can say something along the lines that you care about him and are worried about his choice of lifestyle but that you have to take care of yourself the best way you can. For that reason, you have to keep a safe and healthy distance from him while he is abusing. That is completely fair for you to do and it is good self care. There is nothing in that to feel guilty about nor to question if you did the right thing or not. It is your responsibility to care for yourself just as it is his responsibility to care for himself.

(((((((((((((((( Silversparrow ))))))))))))))))))) I know it's not easy hon....it really hurts sometimes


sabby

((((((Wants2Fly)))))))) (((((((Sabby)))))

I will definatly respond back, I just know he isn't going to like what I'm going to say. I'm not sure exactly what it is going to say but I will write it out tonight on paper and post it here and let ya'll see it, I want feedback on it, right now I just need to clear my head, this is all triggering me into self destruct mode, I will show ya'll soon, It may take me a few days to figure it out. You think I would get use to losing people that are important in my life, and being trampled on.

Thank you all for the support, it means so much.

((((silversparrow))))

Unfortunately there is nothing you can really do. I have a brother and sister I have lost to drugs (they are still alive but like your friend they are not the same).

You say you are not sure if you want to return his message or not. You might as well return it and tell him how you feel. What will it hurt if you say you don't want to be his friend anymore because it hurts. Sometimes tough love is what they need. Tell him why you don't want to talk to him anymore.

Short story I promise!

My brother always begs me to take my son fishing. I always told him that my son had other stuff to do (I always came up with an excuse why my son could not go with him). Well one day I told him the truth. I said "Bob, you know I love you, but I can't trust you with my son because of your drinking and drug use". He was quiet. It was real hard for me to say that to him, it hurt me as much as it did him. After that he tried to straighten up, he was sober for about 4 months then recently fell off the wagon again. I love my brother and it hurts to watch him self destruct.

sometimes you have to use tough love to get through to someone. Don't rip him a new one, just explain to him why you can't be his friend anymore. Who knows maybe you'll get through to him.

Good luck, it's hard loosing a best friend. My sister was my best friend and I lost her to drugs.

Take care of yourself!

So I'm starting to think no response is the best response.
I started several diffrent replies and none of them sounded right.
I don't know if that is right though, no response is like a cold shoulder and gives no closure to the situation, but where I am mentally right not I don't think I'm stable enough to send him something that would probably provoke an angry response back. It doesn't matter how nice or loving I make the response if it's me disagreeing with his choices I'm going to get a nasty reply.
Grrr...it doesn't matter what I do it is going to hurt, I wish there was an easier way to deal with this..

Ok, maybe you can think in these terms......just because you do not respond back to him immediately, does not mean that it is a cold shoulder. The fact that you want to temper your words or that you are afraid of an argument ensuing and not strong enough to handle such a thing at the moment, it is not a bad idea for you to step back and just let it be for awhile. That can always be explained later on if he questions you.

Sometimes there are situations that seem to be a no win thing. Taking care of YOU right now is the most important thing and if you are not up to sparring with him, the don't. There is nothing wrong with that. If and when you feel up to getting your feelings and thoughts out, then ok, do it. Until then, it's quite possible that no matter what you say will fall on deaf ears and excuses will be made on his part as to why he cannot or will not help himself out of the hole he has dug. That is the way of an addicted person. It has nothing to do with you hon, it's everything to do with him and his skewed thinking pattern at this time.

Let it go for awhile....take some time to think and digest and to help yourself. You are definitely entitled to doing that


sabby

((((Sabby))) ((((Vetswife)))

I think your right Sabby, it's best I just let the situation go for now, I know he is toxic and I myself have problems with alcohol so I try and take people like him and distance myself from them because I am weak.
I hope he gets the idea from the no response, I honestly don't want contact with him anymore, that chapter in my life is closed and it took a while for me to realize that. I still care about him and miss him, but he isn't the same person and he never will be again, we have both gone down diffrent paths in life and made separte choices, it hurts to say goodbye it seems I've been having to say goodbye to much in these past few years.
It makes me sad, he was such a great person and had so much talent, he understood me so well, now I would hardly recognize him walking by me on the street. There is an overwhelming sorrow washing over me, is that normal to feel so much sorrow for someone who is still living and breathing?

Hugs from Angel

((((((((((((((((((( Silversparrow ))))))))))))))))))))))

Sweetheart....it is most definitely normal to feel the sorrow you are feeling. You are grieving for a friendship and a friend and what it used to be and what "it could have been". While he has chosen a path that is unhealthy and you have chosen to distance yourself, it doesn't mean that you don't care about him. In time hon, your pain will ease over this, as you ease through each day and work through the feelings.

Now, one thing I want to say about your strength, or as you put it, your weakness - I see absolutely NO weakness in you when you CHOOSE to do good self care and to make choices that are healthier for you! That my dear is a huge strength....and a difficult one at times I am sure. Our lives are about choosing things....and you are making a great decision in distancing yourself from those who would bring you down. Yes ma'am......that is strength!

Life is strange sometimes and the amount of folks we say goodbye to can feel overwhelming. For myself, I try to remember that people come into my life for a reason and they go out of my life for a reason. We are not always meant to have lifelong relationships with everyone we care about. It is how our lives revolve together and seperately. I do understand that for some of us, that kind of change is hard to accept and deal with. Don't forget that with each person who touches your life and has helped you in some way, you continue with them in your heart forever....they are always with you


sabby

((((((((((((((( Silversparrow )))))))))))))))

Absolutely, it is normal to feel sorrow for a living person. I feel that way all the time for my sister and brother.

My sister and I were best friends growing up (we were inseparable). When she was 17 and I was 19, we went our separate ways (she chose the path of drugs and alcohol and I didn't want to go down it with her). I am now 33 and she is 31, she is unrecognizable. I miss not having her as my sister, all of the what could have beens. Raising our children together, she should have been my maid of honor, she would have been my childrens godmother all that stuff I wish she was around for. She is in rehab now and will be going into a recovery house soon (she has gone through this cycle many, many times (I hope she makes it this time)). She visited us today, it is sad to see her. She has aged worse then myself (because of the drugs). There is no nice way of putting it, but she is fried. I still love her but she will never, ever be the same. I miss her, the sister she use to be. She was supposed to be my best friend forever.

I think it's perfectly normal to morn for a person that is still alive. I do.

You made the right choice by separating yourself. It's for your own survival, you are wise and strong to do so.

I'm sorry for your loss, I can feel your pain.

((((((((((((((((Silversparrow)))))))))))))))))

Hi Silver, wasn't here much over the weekend. I just read through the whole thread and it sounds like you have worked through the whole thing with all of this excellent feedback that you got. He made a choice, it is his life, you must self-preserve and let him live his life. You feel some sorrow which is normal. Good work!