relationship crisis

I have been engaged for about three years now. we met in high-school and have done everything from college to work together. Some time between now and the beginning, and had began to become someone who i never wanted to be. I began to not listen to her, to be really selfish about things, and I had begun to take her for granted.

I didn't see any of it, though, until she said she wanted to break up with me.

There were sexual issues within the relationship that had caused the most distrust and pain

She suggested we take a break, and I should have seen it then, but I didn't.All I could think about on the break was how long the break would last. We got back together, but she was still troubled. One of her friends saw that she was troubled and took the opportunity to jump in and talk with her about things.

The problem with that is that this friend was also wanting to get with her,and thus you could imagine the things he told her to 'help'. About two weeks later, she decided to break up with me. I was an emotional wreck after that,and did some things that drive her even farther away.

After all of this, I finally realized how badly I messed up, and how to fix it, but after talking with her, she said it was too late. She's still talking to me, and says that she'll always love me, and that a part of her wants to forgive me. She says she still wants to be friends, but that doesn't make sense for the reason she gave for breaking up with me.

I know you don't know us personally, but at one point we were deeply, madly in love with each other. I'm still in love with her, but I don't know how she feels.

Right now she is in another state to go and visit this "friend" of hers. she did call me in the airport, though, before her plane reached the gate. she mentioned wanted to come and see they new house i recently moved into when she gets back. they are now dating, and she is staying at his house for another week or so. once she gets back here, he will be off in basic training for 8 weeks, and will be cut off from communication with him for that time period.

I've told her how sorry I am, and that I love her.

I cannot just simply find someone else... she is the love of my life, and I screwed up. There just isn't any other person in the world that i want to be with.

We've been broken up for a month now. I talked with her recently, but it was very awkward. she is still with her "friend" in another state, and i found out that she started drinking - something that she would have never done when we were together. I'm 19, she's 20, and her friend is 18. he's staying with his parents, but i'm still worried because it was his mom that made the drinks for her.

when we were together, we were so close, we shared everything and did everything together. we both told each that we knew we were going to be together forever. we were also each other's first time having sex, and as far as i know, still each other's only. i hope this is still the case.

I am still able to talk to her, but i need help in mending things with her. i know my mistakes, and i know for a fact that none of it would ever happen again. i would do anything to prevent this pain from coming back for both me and her.

I seriously doubt that her relationship with this guy will last. It sounds too much like rebound. From what i know about her for being with her for the past 3 years, he just simply isn't her type. she didn't want me going military because she didn't want that lifestyle for herself, and yet he's heavily air force. he's also a womanizer.

How do i mend things with her, regain her trust, and hopefully get back together with her?... What can I do to fix this?

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for helping. I'm not a bad person, but have made so many mistakes.

Hi JesseD!!!

It can be so difficult when a relationship ends. Although your former fiancee is still alive, it is still a grieving process -- you need to grieve the end of the relationship.

Grieving will include feeling angry, feeling sad, pleading for a second chance, wishing things could be different, and finally acceptance of what has happened.

Even if you do have a relationship with her again, you *still* need to grieve the one that ended. Otherwise, the second time around you and she will just bring baggage from the previous breakup.

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How do i mend things with her, regain her trust, and hopefully get back together with her?... What can I do to fix this?

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The first piece of advice I would offer is -- you CANNOT change how she feels. Don't even try right now. Focus on yourself, and learning from the situation.

It doesn't matter if she drinks, or hooks up with another guy -- those are her choices, and she will be the one who will have to deal with any consequences. As long as you worry *for* her, it will be very difficult to find the separation necessary to heal.

Journaling can be a great way to get all those thoughts out of your head, without involving your ex.
Finding someone you can talk to can also be very helpful. (Have you ever considered finding a counselor?)

Once you are healed, then you will be ready for another relationship -- either with your Ex or with someone new. Right now, focus on YOU. Focus on what you need, and what lessons you can learn about yourself.

I know it seems like she is the only one for you -- but that idea, is part of what is causing you so much pain. The attachment to something that you cannot have right now.

Hang in there, be kind to yourself, and reach out to your friends. Oh -- and, don't forget to have some fun -- do art, learn something new, funny movies, etc. Having fun is an important part of self-care and healing.

HTH

Some issues are too large to overcome. Perhaps this break was the best thing for both of you. Hopefully you'll take a hard look at the mistakes you both made and use it as a learning experience. Once you loose trust in your partner it's nearly impossible to get it back.

Owl has some good suggestions, focus on you and what you need to learn and grow.

Naw >> In basic training they promote staying in touch with family and loved ones >> it keeps the communication thing going for the betterment of the troop ,, So not to worry >> your ex will be just fine ,,

i am still learning from my mistakes, and i am journaling also.

is there anything i can do, though, to help her feel that she can still trust me?
should i try to stay in contact with her?

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AAAAA said:
Some issues are too large to overcome.

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also, it is my belief that i dug this hole for myself, and that the harder it is to correct it, the better things will be in the end. i feel that this is the one thing in my life that i cant give up on. she has become a part of who i am and if i give up on her completely, it's the same to me as killing a part of myself.

I'm sorry if i am sounding stubborn or rude... i really do appreciate any advice you guys have for me

No, you're not being stubborn or rude, but you have to accept that this is her decision. The issues that you described are serious, those wounds are deep and do not heal easily.

Let her know that you love her, and that you realize that it may be too late, but you realize how very wrong you were and you're working on those issues, not for her, but to make yourself a better person.

Whatever you do, don't PUSH. Let her decide what she's ready for.

I've done that step, I've told her that.

Also, something that I forgot to say before is that at first she told her parents that she was not going to tell them the reason for breaking up, so that they would not hate me if we got back together again.

at this point they know, and are mad at me too, but the fact that she was not going to tell them has got to mean something, right?

If a friend came to you Jesse with this situation what would you advise them?

Would you tell them to pull out every stop,,make a pain of themselves by being there at every turn and nearly harassing their SO with appolgies, promises and loving anecdotes?

Or would you ask them to go to a movie with you or a ballgame and let their SO have the space they need to make the decisions they need to make?

Be your own friend and hers too...she has to find her own way...

With care,

Lenny

when i have been talking to her recently, i have begging, even if it's what i really want to do. i've been forcing myself to not bring up the past, because when i do, it never ends well.

when she told me that she had tried drinking, even though i wanted to just... well i dont know what i wanted to say to her when she told me.. something along the lines of "what... why... why are you doing this?" i just had to play along and instead, i just acted like i was excited for her...

when this guy is gone for basic training, they wont be able to communicate for quite some time, and classes will have started up again, she and i are still taking similar courses and are bound to share at least one class together. we usually car pool there, before all of this... what should i do about that? what i see it as is an opportunity to build trust... am i right in thinking that?

what i meant to say in the previous post was that i have NOT BEEN begging. it wont let me edit it though.

I talked with my uncle about this, and he said I don’t have to worry about this other guy as much as I am. He said that the main reason she is excited is about the vacation, the change in setting, and just how different everything is, and that it’s not just because she with this other guy. I hope he’s right.

also, do you think it will have any affect for her to see that i can change my ways? even if she is with someone else right now, will she still consider things if she she's that i'm willing to work on my problems?

Jesse,

The fact that she's unwilling to tell her parents doesn't necessarily mean anything. I was in a similiar situation and I did not tell my parents the full story. I don't know the reason myself I just didn't want them to know. Very private issue for women.

What I think will be most effective is if you work on those issues, once you do, I'm sure that there will be a very sincere conversation with her about it. But I cannot stress enough that that converstation must come from real growth, not a desire to get her back.

I do not want to offer you false hope, but I was able to forgive, perhaps she will too, only time will tell. Use that time wisely.

I don't know Jesse,,but if you know there are things you should change,,she should not be the prize,,,somehow that make any changes you make far more sincere and permament.

I don't think that Love is an intellectual excercise but seeing someone you care about make positive changes is uplifting for sure.

Lenny

I know that she is not considered a prize for fixing my problems, These are problems that i need to fix anyway. she is good motivation, though.

This is a new member, who we cannot vouch for and who is edited for relaying an act of aggression on a female.

This is a real crime or it is not.
Regardless, why is PC a place for such a test? Or having discussions about these circumstances with an offender/personna?

Why deal with a relationship where one has been sexually violated, from the perspective of the violator?

It is awful and practically impossible to go from victim of a painful sexual violation - or rape - to being a friend.

Many wives after years of marriage divorce their husbands over rape in their bedroom. It destroys families. Date rapes traumatize women for years.

It destroys the relationship and harms the individual.

Irreparable harm.

I am surprised a conversation of this topic has gone on in this special place as there are forums on the www for those to discuss their violating others in this manner - where the correct information is given to them.

This is a place to assist others who are healing in their hearts and minds, and many here have suffered violations like this one.

I am having a difficult time understanding why this has a place here.

Nightbird

what a warm welcome...

i have only edited my posts to add new information before a reply to that post has been made, so as to not spam the boards...

my heart has been torn to shreds over the past month, and so i came here looking for help and understanding. i appreciate all of the other posts, but the above seems to be pretty uncalled for. I know you cant vouch for me because i am new, but that doesn't mean i'm automatically a bad person. yes, i made a mistake, no it was not as bad as it sound, yes, i know that that is hard to believe though.

you could only know jst what kind of a misunderstanding this was if you knew us both personally, and sadly, no one on this board does, so i am hoping that you can assume the best. i am sorry if my post came of wrong for you, though.

Yea it is true J D >>. that the new information was added >> and Yes the original post WAS actually seen ,, read ,, and responded to >>. thing is In original post there was reference to this " other " guy your gf seems to trust and be attracted too >>>..and that he was going into the military and he would lose all contact with her .

But that is not now in original post .

But my first reply I was trying to help ya understand that the military promotes healthy communication with friends and family dureing there time going through basic ..

But it is only later that you actually re interate that he is going into basic ..

WoW I am confused now >> or time date stamps .. well >> I thinnk it speaks for its self ..

Hope ya find some solace and comfort in knowing your GF and her BF will be supporting each other as he begins his service to his country .

it is no use to do this. Once a girl decides to leave you. She only feels troubled by all the things you do, rather than is touched by your change. It's most likely that she feels your change is temporary and not sincere. And what your ancle said is right. To build up a new relationship is much easier than maintain a old one. At the beginning of new relationship, both sides feel they match exactly. Only when time passed a lot, they can feel the other's shortcomings.

And more important, I don't think it's wholy your fault which causes the break up of the relationship. You seems looking for your problems all the time and keeping feeling regretful for that. Doing this only increase your guilt and pains. Any relationship is tied by both. And she is also responsible for it.

Imagine you were in the future of five year later. When you recall this, it may not be so painful and so important as you feel at present. You can still live very well, having a good job, owning a happy family or even having kids. These are possible! They are happening around us every day. Everyone has his pain and has to accept it, face it, and overcome it.

All I what to say is that you are very young and your personality is forming, unstable and unmature. Specially at present, you cannot judge correctly or reasonably on your thoughts and behavior.

There are many unpredictable things or pains happening in the future. You should learn to endure the painful feeling, and live with it well, and overcome it, then you mature a lot and be stronger. Just relax and focus on the things that you should prepare for your future, maybe that's the best way to win your girlfriend back.

I cannot put a trigger sign, so beware this may trigger.

Jesse,

You must understand that many of us on this site are survivors of sexual abuse. Our Host Doc John made a difficult decision, he realizes that abusers or former abusers need help, but he decided to make this site a haven for survivors. There’s a lot of information to read about the site in the sub-forum Community guidelines in General.

Nightbird is a wonderful person, if you’d met her in chat you’d love her. She truly is a supportive person. I admire her courage in saying the things that many of us were thinking but unable to say.

While I cannot speak for her, I find your attitude about those sexual issues very frustrating. You minimize them so much that it is hard for me, as a survivor to believe that you understand the magnitude of the situation.

I personally blame the parents of the young man that raped me. It was not violent in the sense that I was not beaten, but I was over-powered. I had no choice. He thought that “no” was playing hard to get. I had flirted with him earlier in the evening therefore he felt he could take what was not freely given. It took years for me to realize that I was not at fault. I was ashamed of allowing myself to get into that position, and not being able to control it. That is why I didn’t tell my parents. My father was a police officer and I did not want to embarrass him or put him in the position of having to deal with the person that abused his daughter.

There were complications to keeping it to myself and just trying to forget that it ever happened. That was my first sexual experience and I wound up being pregnant. I won’t even go into that story.

I have 3 sons, I have taught them that no or stop, at any stage of the sexual act means stop. PERIOD. It doesn’t matter if it is your wife, girl-friend or anyone in between. I also have a daughter that I have taught that she has a right to say no or stop if she is feeling uncomfortable in any way.

I really do want you to get the help you need, I don’t want you to repeat this mistake with someone else. The first step is acknowledging, which you do half-heartedly. But please, please, please I know it must be extremely painful to acknowledge what you’ve done to the fullest extent, but until you do you will not grow or heal.