Confession

This is my first post here...I need an opinion or two!
Last night at around 2am my husband blew up at me (again)...
He said either I get my s*** together or we're getting a divorce (a word he's never used before) because he doesn't want to get a heart attack over me. I guess....what man in his right mind wouldn't blow up? I don't cook (I'm trying though sometimes), I don't clean, and we have no sex (I have difficulties there). Everything for me is an effort. I also don't work...he works...although he doesn't mind me not working, as long as I was doing something ..... But I'm not doing anything. So he felt that I was taking advantage of him.
He terrifies me at those moments. His mouth becomes foul..... I told him many times before to try and curb his temptation to use his "terror" technique....but.....I'm just so scared.....I become scared of him....... I just don't believe anyone deserves to be terrified of another, no matter what (in a relationship)?

Then this morning he (again) apologized for getting so upset. He reassured me that I'm not losing him....but there is a tension between us that's very obvious....He also admitted that he's never been through this before.

This friday I'm seeing a doctor for meds for depression and anxiety.
I really really hope this will help me and our relationship....

I guess what I want to know is..... how can I make it easier on him? You see, he loves me a lot but also gets panic attacks when worrying about me. Or...how can I make him give me the respect I want?

Sorry, heh, I don't know what my point is....I'm just confused....

*A few minutes later*

I guess all I really want to know is....That there is hope......That things are not beyond repair..........That we're not the only ones....??

I don't really know what to say Lavendera, but since you want an answer i will try to think of something to say lol.

The only thing I can think of at the moment is to wait until you see your doctor, to see if he confirms that you have depression and anxiety. Obviously depression can cause a huge drop in motivation and energy, and it sounds like you are struggling with this at the moment. If your doctor agrees that you have depression, and if you decide to go on meds, then the meds should, given time, increase your motivation and energy levels. I don't know if your husband knows or suspects that you have depression, but if he is unaware of it, maybe it is time to educate him? If he knew a little about depression, even if he just knew a few facts and didn't fully understand it, it may help your relationship.

It is very hard to have depression and anxiety, and it is very hard to live with somebody that suffers from depression and anxiety too!!!
He doesn't have the right to terrify you, but, perhaps, he doesn't know how to deal with the depression and anxiety you are suffering ( and he is too!! through you and his love for you).

I think it is a good idea for him to get help in regards to learning how to live with somebody with such issues. Talk to him about educating himself regarding your diagnosis, and even buy books about relationships and anxiety/depression.
He needs tools to deal with the stress.

You evidently love each other, and relationships are hard, even when they don't come with "extra features". Trust his love, but remember, it is always a little better with we go and look for tools to help us deal with the day to day challenges.

Lots of love to the both of you.

Hey there, I saw that you are looking into getting on some medication for anxiety and depression. I think this is a bad idea, I have tried many different types of anti-depressants and anxiety pills and what not and I firmly believe they are not going to help unless you are telling yourself they are. I think it's more you thinking they are helping then they actually are. Honestly i would talk to your husband and tell him how you feel, if you have to, write him a letter, as it's easier to get out everything at once without being interupted. I would also look into getting couples therapy because a mediatior is extremely helpful and that way he doesn't think you are the only one who feels there is a problem. If you feel like you need more to do i would look into getting a small fun part-time job that you will enjoy and get you out and socializing. This way you will both feel better about you and if he isn't happy with what you do still, then he sounds like he may need help, not you. Good luck, i'm sure you two will work things out and don't get too down on your situation, things can always change you just have to be patient.

I have been depressed to greater or lesser extent most of my life. Effexor has been a miracle for me. It took a long time (over 2 years) to get the right med and the right timetable to take it (2ce a day to avoid tremors with a single higher dose), but it was worth it.

I dread the day that it may stop working. Hopefully, there will be new generation of medication out there.

I practiced positive thinking for over 20 years. Yes, it helped. And cognitive behavioral therapy and prayer and the support of my friends and the forum helps. It has to be a multi-pronged approach for me.

Best wishes for feeling better and saving your marriage.

Doesn't sound like he loves you to me. Sorry for the bluntness, but telling you to get it together or he's getting a divorce is NOT what real marriage is about. And men don't think divorce at the drop of a hat... other stuff is going on with him, too! IMHPO

Welcome to psychcentral... you've come to a good place in your life!

what about marriage/ family counseling?
i hope he has not physically hurt you to cause you to feel scared. i can only speculate that maybe he is frustrated and doesnt know what else to do. sounds like he has feelings that are strong enough to cause him to be upset. and of course people say things without thinking of the consequences when theyre upset.
relationships are so complex i dont think there is just one answer here. but safety is a basic need so you gotta do what you need to do to feel safe.

P.S. it isnt beyond repair ...if there is love left and a willingness to improve it, then be optimistic.

I am with cottoncandylocks!
Be safe, be optimistic AND do something about it.
For both of you, he needs to learn what it takes to live with you, and you need to learn what it takes to live with him. It might turn out to be more than what you two bargain for, and still want it, or it may not, but just sitting there worrying about it won't improve the situation.

Love.

Lavendera,
I know I am late in this posing, so maybe things have gotten better for you since last week. (I am hoping!)
I relate to your story, because I was in an abusive relationship with my boyfriend in college. I don't mean to jump to conclusions about your husband, but it does sound like there is some verbal abuse happening there...even if he doesn't mean it. Is it possible that your depression is as a result of how he makes you feel?
I remember so well in my relationship how small I felt, and how I didn't feel like I deserved my boyfriend. He yelled at me the same way because I woudl cry so easily and it only made me cry harder. It was such a vicious cycle and seemed impossible to get out.
Well, let me tell you now that I DID get out. It was one of the hardest transitional phases I'd ever gone through in my life. It took me years to learn that HE was the monster, and the only thing I was doing wrong was letting him control my emotions. That was 10 years ago. I am now married to an amazing man who would NEVER treat me that way. Sure, we fight, but I never feel smaller than him, or not worthy of him. I am an incredibly emotional person who struggles with depression and highs and lows of it all. But no matter what issues I am having in my life, he is the one thing I know will never reject me or leave me. He deals with my crying and hysterics like a champ, making me laugh, helping me to see that I am strong and good and capable of getting through whatever issue I am having.
That is what a partner does. That is what YOU deserve, and what you should fight for. Believe me, I know how hard it is to see what I am saying. I was there. But, I promise you, it doesn't have to be that way, and you have the ability to see that and make a change. There is nothing wrong with you for FEELING. You should never feel like a burden to your husband. NEVER. He is one person who should NEVER reject you. It doesn't matter that you don't cook or clean. A husband should be there for you through all the difficult times you may go through.Period.Wouldn't you do the same for him? You are a beautiful, giving, caring person. You deserve to feel that way every day of your life. I believe in you. If I can get through it, so can you. I am here if you need to talk!
Zar

Thank you for the replies, everyone. I made the post in January...it's now August...Well I'm finally educating myself about emotional abuse and it seems like a good start. The emotionally abusive relationship is the name of the book...I hope my spouse will be able to read it (as a substitute for couples' therapy, which can be detrimental to the relationship when there is emotional abuse involved - a few sources have mentioned this!) That's it for now. Thanks for the support

I do not think he does not love you!!! maybe he feels helpless. it can be very frustrating to live with someone that does nothing...no cooking no cleaning no nothing! I know it is also very hard on those that suffer from depression not to be able to get up and do the daily chores we are suppose to be doing. you hang in there and let him know how you feel and get to the dr.