Back, and in trouble. Help needed.

Hello, I have been here before. Now I am back. I am in trouble. I have family problem that has blown up into a disaster. I loath, I dispise what I call a Jerry Springer lifestyle. My son's inlaws live lives right out of a Jerry Springer set. They thrive on it. I have been able to avoid getting enmeshed in it until now. The problem, big problem, is it has happened around the birth of my first grandchild. Below I will paste my journal entry of today. I hope it is not too confusing. The names have been changed for privacy's sake.

The nut of the problem, not completely clear in my pasted journal entry, is that while waiting for the scripted moment for me to see my grandson, a friend of the family and I looked at a digital camera to see a picture of him. In doing so, we saw perhaps 4 or 5 tiny pictures. One of the pictures had my daughter in law's breast in view, another had the baby's head crowning from her vagina. In my family, nudity and the realities of birth, have never been a "naughty" issue. I respect that this is not true of others and in so doing set aside my wish to view the birth of my grandson. My daughter in law's sister "told on us." This unfortanate and unneeded event gave rise to what can only be called a total family disaster worthy of any best of Jerry Springer show. I have aplogized profusely about my looking at the camera uninvited. That is not good enough. I have to somehow take on much more remorse and responsibility that I cannot see the ultimate value in doing. Also, to put my daughter in law's claims to extreme modest in context, it was not but a year or so ago that she and my son lived in apartment with inadequate blinds. At least one time, maybe more, she made amusing comments about how she went about her house naked "giving the neighbors an eyeful."

Here goes. Here is the journal I wrote today. I pray someone can help me sort this out.

Who is who:
Stan is the baby
Mark is me
Sarah is my wife
Larry is my son
Karen is my daughter in law
Terry is Karen's sister, a nurse
Clarice is Karen's mother
Jane is a friend of the family who initiated the look at the camera

Today is Saturday. My first grandchild Stan is 2 days old. I saw him for about 2 hours of his life, and at this time I cannot look forward to seeing him again in the near future. I am a wreck. I truly believe I have accepted responsibility for my part in this mess. Sarah understands this, but she has not been implicated in the “crime” and so is able to march on without so much damage. Larry and Karen resolutely refuse to take responsibility for how they took a trivial incident and turned it into a disaster. They expect me to take this on. Perhaps I should, but at this point cannot.

To clarify a point in yesterday’s journal. It was not Clarice who was the tattle tale, it was Terry, Karen’s sister. It is almost worse this way. Clarice is a nit wit. Terry is an intelligent young lady who has nearly graduated from nursing school. She certainly has been exposed to the training and should have learned that some things in a difficult situation must be handled with exquisite care and consideration of the consequences. I do not profess to being a “perfect” person who has not made mistakes. I have made considerable mistakes, and repeated them, too. I do think that for the most part I have been willing to take responsibility for my mistakes, admitted what I have done wrong, and make restitution where it could be made.

Earlier I hand wrote out a metaphorical story for Sarah to take with her to read to Larry and Karen at the hospital where she has gone to visit without me. It was something like this:

How to use a match to burn down your house

I was in your home (the hospital) and in the dark. I was told to wait in the dark. For a long time I waited in the dark. After many hours of waiting in the dark I was told a light might soon be lit. I continued to stumble in the dark, getting tired and anxious. At last I found myself in the company of others in the dark, including my friend Jane. Jane said, “Mark, there is a pack of matches (camera with a baby picture) on the table. Let’s light one to see where we are.” I said no, we were asked to wait in the dark. She said, “It’s only one match, just to see where we are for a few seconds.” I thought, what would it hurt to light one match, and did so. We were rewarded with a peek at the room (the baby) and found the room was also full of combustibles (bits of naked Karen). The match quickly burned out and was set in a fireproof tray to cool. We were very careful with the match and took care to dispose of it properly. We did not see any problems whatsoever and found ourselves relieved to have a glimpse of where we were.

Unknown to us in the now redarkened room, Terry picked up the tray with match. The match still had a spark in it. Terry did not want this match to go out without telling the homeowner’s (Larry and Karen). She took it to her mother, Clarice. The examined the match, blew on it and brought it back into flame. They were aghast at what they saw. Mark had lit this match. “Now look at how hot it burns!” This had to shared with Karen and Larry. They must see this burning fire I had lit. They brought it to Karen and Larry who were shocked. They held it by their curtains to prove how hot it was and the curtains burst into flame. They called me on the phone. “Look what you have done! You lit a match and now our curtains are burning!”
I told Larry, “you should not have lit the curtains. You should pull them down and extinguish them.” He insisted “No! You must do this. You lit the match, now the curtains are burning. You did this. You must put out the flames.” Several times this same thing went back and forth while the curtains burned and Larry refused to pull them down. I tried to suggest that he was very tired and not seeing this clearly. That he might pull the curtains down and at least set them aside until tomorrow when he could then do the right thing. I tried to point out that I did not set the curtains on fire, they did.

Larry and Karen refused to take down the burning curtains. In their minds I started the fire and so must be the one to stop it. They continued to let the curtains burn until the house caught fire. “Now look what Mark has done! He lit the match that has burned our house! He is a terrible person!”

Well, I, Mark, have a different view that seems to me to make more sense. I made a mistake to light the match. I could have resisted the pressure to light it knowing that I had been expected to remain in the dark. I did not. I lit the match and put it down carefully. The match left unattended would have quickly gone out and thrown away later without a thought as to why and where it had been used.

Problem number one was Terry, who should have known better, took the match as proof with which to tell the tale. Why? Heaven only knows what was in her mind. Maybe it made sense to bring it to Clarice, Karen, and Larry’s attention, but given the inflammatory nature of it with no positive foreseeable outcome, what on earth was good enough reason to do that?

Clarice is a histrionic nit wit. Her behavior takes extremes. She seems thrive on commotion. As said before, I think she is very jealous and would take any opportunity to introduce trouble that improves her position.

The biggest problem is Larry and Karen. They want me to take full blame and responsibility for their burning their house down with the match I lit. They refuse to hear my apology for having lit a match as being a full and remorseful one because they don’t see it as big enough to cover their burnt house. The refuse to see how Terry and Clarice took the match then used it with great irresponsibility for their own reasons. They refuse to see how they let their own house burn all so as to maintain the blame on me as the perpetrator of the crime.

I am so, so, so sorry this has all happened. If there is any way I could unlight that match I would. I did light it. But I put it down in a safe place. Terry and Clarice, then Larry and Karen are the ones who burnt their house.

What can I do at this point? What they want is for me to accept the blame for their house burning. That might help things move along, but at the cost of their continued belief that I was the arsonist, and an admitted one at that. No one wins there. I don’t – I am forever a criminal. They don’t – they now have an admitted arsonist grandfather for their child. One who did terrible things on the day of his birth. I did not do terrible things on the day of his birth! I can’t have that be my legacy! This is not only a matter of my pride, but it is a matter of perpetrating a lie that will cause endless damage. I could try to figure out everything they want me to say and say it. If included their denial of what they have done to themselves, me, and most important their child, and their refusal to take responsibility then it is certain to fail sooner or later. The wounds would scab, but not heal, and would fester with seen or unseen infection.

At this point I think the only re-starting point that can possibly work is if they can see and take some responsibility for their total bungling of the situation. The house burnt by their hands, not mine. It can never be rebuilt that way it was, but a new one can replace it. The memories of the tragedy will always linger. This can’t be helped. It is the awful part of telling the truth, but a new house built on the truth will stand stronger than one built on lies.

I am very, very upset with what is so right now. At this time I cannot see a happy outcome possible. A new chapter in my life, as a grandfather, opened and closed in one page. My brief time with my grandchild, Sam, was about 10 minutes and of the most extreme delight. I can only try to compare it with how it might have been had I summited Kilimanjaro, probably better than Kilimanjaro. But, like summiting a mountain, it is only a brief moment of joy. You cannot live at that altitude. You must come down. Sarah will be able to return to the mountain top many times over the years. I know, again like with Kili, that I cannot climb it again. I am glad I got to have what I had, but am willing to move on. I am sure Larry and Karen will be superb parents to Sam. I don’t know what they will tell him about me, his grandfather, but expect it will not be that they drove me away from him. I will be painted with a brush tinted with at least some **** in the brown. That might be what he sees, but he may never know that the **** the sees on me was put there by his parents.

Now what? What’s next? I don’t know.

I hope that when you say you are asking for help, that means you are asking for opinions on how to move forward? You might not like this, but it's honest, OK?

In my never humble opinion.....there are some things in life which are worth groveling for. A grandbaby is most definately ones of those! A grandbaby is for life...for keeps. It's a precious wonder.

Grovel even if you don't mean it. Grovel with your fingers crossed behind your back. Grovel until you get that precious baby back in your life.

You should not have looked at the camera. End of story. Don't look further than that. Look only at YOUR actions. Those are the only ones which you are responsible for. Those are the only ones which have anything to do with your apology. An apology which is laced with "but's" really is not an apology.

I'm a darn good groveler. I've had lots of practice. And I almost always mean it.

Hugs, emmy (and hug that baby for us )

Wow. I was excited to see you KV and was very ready to rally behind one of my favorite Grohol people!

But Emmy's answer was spectacular. She summed up points that I never would have thought of. Great balance of prioritization and accountability. Great job, Emmy!

I have nothing to add to her response other than that it's nice to see you again, KV. I got your email the other day and will reply soon.

Love,
LMo

That is very good advice, and as you said, hard.

I think that is where this will go, but i cannot go there yet. I am much too furious and don't trust myself. I have told my wife, who is visiting them now, that I will talk with them in the presence of a therapist. That is for the "safety" of all. It would help me to keep my head cool. (I am not normally a hot head. This is way out of character for me.) I think it would also serve to help my son and his wife reflect on what they have done, too, and begin not to blame me for their mistakes.

You are so right about the baby. And so, if my presence is going to fuel conflict, I think it is best I sacrifice my needs for the sake of the baby. This breaks my heart. The 10 minutes I held him were profound beyond all expectation and greater by magnitudes than the first time even that I held my own children. Having this joy wrenched from me was horrible. I am feeling wounded now and not able to deal with that happening again just yet.

Do you think I should settle for taking on the "guilt" of the "crime?" It is timely that just a few days ago I watched the movie Capturing the Friedmans. It was about a family destroyed by being railroaded into confessions of guilt to nasty crimes that they most likely did not commit. Similarly, there was an acknowledged mis-deed (much worse than mine), but the crime they confessed to was not clearly true. They confessed in the hope that they could releive their family of the burdons of fighting. That decision was a miserable failure.

Wait. You said only admit to what I did do, not the whole thing. Yes. I can do that. In fact, I did do that. Repeatedly. And my son refused it to be good enough. He wanted me to assume the whole blame for everything, or nothing. I don't see how I can go forward with that.

Again, the baby should be at the top of my concern. Maybe what is best for the baby is freedom from the crime I will come to represent in his parents eyes. I don't know. I don't know. I am getting again quite confused. I need some help. I am very very sad.

Both of you are most likely right. I think that be said by generalization of the story. I think another problem, that is not so clear, or maybe it is, is that I tried really hard to write a rational well ordered story. Rational thinking is something I cannot do beyond putting a few words on paper. I am so confused and troubled about this I am sick. I have not eaten little all day and can't even think of it. My guts are in knots. My legs and hands are cold to the bone even with the heat on and wearing warm clothes. It is wet, cold, grey, and dismal outside my house and my mind is the same. I am so unhappy with all this.

Now wait a minute, KV. You are taking the guilt too far. I kind of want to shake you a little and say "get a grip on yourself". This situation is NOT irreversible. This too shall pass. A year from now you'd likely be able to look back on it and shrug. It feels like it's looming larger than life, and from an outsider's perspective, I don't think it's really all that bad. I also do this sometimes -- blow my self-perception of a behavior way out of proportion and feel like it's the end of the world, only to later learn that the other people involved just didn't think it was nearly as big of a deal as I obviously did.

I understand that your son and his in-laws are upset, but I think it's VERY likely that the accusations you are feeling are disproportionate to the reality.

My house is less than five miles from yours, and I'm not seeing 'wet, cold, grey, dismal'... I'm seeing 'a cozy day to stay inside'.

You need to eat and warm up. Want me to have a pizza delivered to your house? ;-)

my wife got home from a diplomatic mission to the hospital. some things have changed. the sister who "tattled" called back and admittd to having done the wrong thing. a good thing for her. she is a nursing student and if she has a problem with keeping confidences she is in trouble. my son read my burning down the house analogy and agreed it was a fair summary of what happened. his wife feels very sorry for laying a bunch of **** on me. They wanted me to go see them tonight. my wife called to say we would all do this tomorrow morning. tonight i am medicated on xanax and feeling like I am getting better, but have broken down uncontrollably with sorrow and remorse several times. this has been one of the hardest times of my life, comparable only with the grief of death in the family. you all probably think i am overdoing it, but all i can do is report what is so. i am not a "strong rugged man" about this, and my resiliency is not deep. i hear my grandson is doing well. he is having a hard start breast feeding, but have heard that big babies (almost 10 pounds!) are not terribly hungry to start off. so things are looking up. it will be a hard go, but go it will. i feel like there will always be at least a thin veil between us that was not there before. i will certainly never have anything to do with the crazy inlaws. i will also avoid at all costs any more of my daughter in laws micro managed events be they weddings, or births, or whatever comes up next. she scripts everything and raises hell when it does not go her way. this place is once again a life saver for me.

i'm sorry for all you've been through with such a blessed event. i can only speak as to what i would do in this situation...i would do EVERYTHING necessary to mend the bridges...now...not tomorrow. simply, that's what i would do for my potential relationship with my grandchild.

as to looking at the camera... you made a mistake...with the family it seems a HUGE one (part of me understands that and part of me doesn't but that's not the issue). that one mistake snowballed where all members involved made mistakes at a HIGHLY emotional time. i don't think that it's fair for anyone involved to make high demands right now...them of you nor you of them. i wouldn't demand that they own their responsibility at present. i think it may fuel the preverbial flame. i think emotions took over and i would do anything necessary for it to be swept under the rug until it's eventually absorbed into the floor and no longer existent. if confronted, i would apologize and ask if it could be talked about at a less emtional time for the benefit of all. i realize that it may not be possible as you've described them as unreasonable. it's really a hard situation at an extremely emotional time.

honestly speaking, this is what i would do. i wouldn't make demands of anyone and i would show myself as soon as i got the opportunity. i would try not to feel overwhelming guilt over the situation and try to enjoy my grandchild...or at least put the guilt somewhere until i could deal with it.

i hope alot for your entire family right now.

I agree with what's already been said. I always pay most attention when I hear the same basic advice being repeated to me 2 or 3 times. I've always been one to apologize just because I don't like the negative energies of confrontation around me. When I apologize, I apologize for my actions only; I will even say I'm sorry that what I did has caused you so much pain. That is a good apology, because people interpret the "what I did to cause you so much pain" to mean whatever they are holding me accountable for; and I can interpret in a more limited way. Everyone is happier than before apology.

I don't think that there needs to be a veil. Maybe at first. But not for all time. You'll see.


((((((((((((KV))))))))))))))

you are all so right. the storm clouds have parted and sun is shining here and there, literally and figuratively. I woke this morning from a chemically enhanced good night's sleep. I "braced" myself with a half a xanax and hit the road. (Please don't over read into the xanax stuff. It is first aid for me and far from being a routine.) With some aprehension I entered the house. Nothing. No tension. No comment at all about the past few days. There was an elephant in the room, but it was well behaved. We talked, ate, drank, talked about the usual topics, and the new baby of course. My son showed me some new software he is working for sale and I tried to follow his coding logic to little avail. Wanting to avoid an immenent visit of the in laws we left after a couple hours. At that point I mentioned the elephant in the room that we had ignored. I simply said I was very sorry for things I said and the contributions I made to the mess. My son said likewise.

We all felt, I think, like the healing began and it will continue to work quickly and with little scarring. We discussed nothing of the details. I don't know that we need to do that.

Thank you for being there with your quick and right on comments. It was, for all of us, a pretty serious crisis. So very thankfully, it now seems that it will have been a quick one with few lingering ill effects.

HOW WONDERFUL!!!! that couldn't have worked out any better! i'm so glad for you and yours. now, the blessed event remains just that...

awesome job!

okay KV, but I hope this doesn't mean that you are going to disappear again for another year. I've missed you!

Here is my baby grandson.

lmo! What are you doing inside. At my house at this minute it is 47 degrees, sunny, raining, snowing, and hailing - all at the same time.

Disappear for a year? Well, yes. That is true. I try to keep my emotional train wrecks few and far between. Most of you would would probably not want to hear what keeps me interested in the normal course of events. It is one of the deadly sins of conversation - politics. Sorry, LMo, since I have your email address, you get stuck with a fraction of what I do.

well, it looks as if it is different from a "Jerry Springer" show.......seems some good sense has prevailed.........NOW..about the elephant in the room..........leave it be!!! forget it!! don't go there!! accept your good favor and go forward....quit dwelling on this.......what's not there will soon be forgotten, UNLESS you continue to drag it with you..........this is said with love and firmness and utter joy that you seem to have gotten past the worst stuff.....xoxoxo pat

The Jerry Springer Show.

My son's inlaws, like millions of others, really do watch this cr@p. I think this kind of "entertainment" is harmful. It models absolutely terrible ways to deal with problems. It doesn't just reflect culture, but teaches it, too. Stay away from it. Life is too short to marinade yourself in hate and other low behaviors.

Awwwwwwwwwww! CUTE baby! Thanks for posting that instead of the one of his head crowning!

I was... taking a nap all day. This Lexapro stuff kicks me in the butt. I sleep, on average, about 12 hours/day now with as many naps as I can squeeze in. Not good. But damn, I feel great!

Off to a friend's house for 'craft night'. We're drinking beer and sewing potholders this evening. No pun.

fabric roach clips?

I'm glad it sounds all fixed up, and the one that started the whole fire storm, I'm glad she admitted it as her bad. Sure, you looked at the camera, but you guys are family, you shouldn't have to be all prime and proper about the stuffs.

I hope everything continues to get better. ^_^ Congratulations! I'm glad the boy was born so healthy!

Hi and congratulations on your beautiful grandson. I am so happy that everything has worked out so well. My heart was breaking for you as I read your first post because I know well how easy it is for things to become twisted and ugly. Mainly though, I just wanted to share with you that your writing is top notch! I love your metaphoric way of telling your story.....I may have to use that one myself the next time my innocuous actions/words are miscontrued and get me in trouble. Please keep writing! I bet you have lots of wisdom you can share in this way.

Give the little one a special nuzzle in the neck for me! Bren

Thanks. One thing I can do with some regularity is take my metamucil and crank out a few words. There are frequent and sufferable breakdowns in both habits, though.

The baby is sooooooo cute......I'm very happy for you that the storm passed. xoxoxo