I really want a divorce

I absolutely hate my husband. He is the most selfish person I have ever met. I recently graduated and told him he could quit his job and focus on school full-time because I would make enough to handle the expenses. He agreed to help more around the house. I worked full-time during school and sometimes overtime and went to school full-time. He has spent the entire day doing nothing, he took several naps, will not help with laundry or dinner, and then constantly calls me ugly names all day. I am referred to as ***** in every sentence. I want him to leave. He has cheated on me 3 times. I don't know why I took him back, I guess maybe because I believed in that family crap. I hope and pray that he finds someone else while he is in school because that is the only way my life will have peace. I am finished with trying to make it work. He is evil in my opinion. He yells at me all day and I can never do anything right. I hate him, I really hate him. I am tired of being abused.

First let me give you a hug.....I am down that path right now. My wife cheated on me while she was in school. Two affairs! She didnt help around the house and thought it would be more beneficial to see her lovers than to do the housewife thing (she begged me to let her a housewife so i let her....and she sucked at it!).
Have you talked to him about this?
If you have, and no difference....try counseling. If he will not go, i would start gathering your things, little by little and spend some time away from him and leave him a note or something. If you are scared (which it sounds like you are) of him, thats the route i would take.

I just want him to leave. I didn't realize how lucky I was when he was having affairs and not wanting to be with his family. My life was peaceful. He is miserable with himself and that is why he treats me this way. He is incapable of having an adult conversation because he always has to call me horrible names. He has called me every vile, disgusting name that you could call a woman. I am at my breaking point. I do not want to live the rest of my life like this. He actually told me if he leaves that he is taking the dog which I bought with my money from the kids. Great dad.

My suggestion is then.....if he wont leave.....then you leave. Best of luck and i will pray for your strength.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Don't put your life on hold waiting for him to find someone else, leave. I know it's hard, but you have to think of yourself and your children.

IMO, in a marriage or any relationship you put the other person first....but if you do that alot...and you get nothing back....time to go

I couldn't agree more!! I was married young, and like you I too went to school full-time while working full-time and also holding a part-time job. My ex didn't cheat, or treat me so poorly but I was not happy. He went to work (9-4 M-F) came home and that was about it. The worst he did as not talk to me. He had few friends refused to make any and basically did nothing. I took care of the house, cars, lawn, dogs and made dinner every night before class. Thank God there were no kids, but leaving was honestly one of the hardest but best things I ever did! I ended up moving back home because I had no where to go and very little money.

With the behavior you are describing, do you really want you children growing up in a home where their mother is given so little respect? What is that teaching them about how people in general should be treated. You are worth more than that, every human being is.

Be strong and good luck.

First let me say I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. No one deserves to be treated like crap. But...and there is always a but...there are a few things I'm gonna ask, because I went through a stage where I was almost like this, I wasn't abusive verbally or physically, but I did about everything else.

1. Dose he have any mental issues? Mine is Anxiety/Panic. It made me want to control my wife and anger was a huge issue.
2. I didn't want to do anything. I was and still am a stay-at-home dad. I hated it at first, I hated the fact that I wasn't making any money and my wife was the one bringing home the cash. I hated that I spent all day with no adult conversation, and I was lonely. I don't make friends easy because we move so much (wife is in the military), and the friendships don't last, and it kinda puts me off making really good friends.
3. Hate is the worst word in the English language, #1, with Divorce #2. I can't hate anyone, no matter what they do to me, my children, my wife, I will never hate ... this is a spiritual thing, my faith won't allow me to hate, I do dislike people and won't deal with some people, but I just don't have it in me to hate. Divorce has come to easily to this world. I don't believe in it for many reasons...
A. My faith, again. My faith says you cannot divorce, and if you do you make yourself and the other an adulterer. You get married for life...that's B.
B. Your vows...You say them when you get married, you vow...not just promise, and no I don't believe they are synonymous...you vow to love that person and be with them 'til death do you part, for sickness and in health, for richer and poorer, etc., people don't take these seriously anymore and they don't take the sanctity of marriage seriously anymore either at all. It's all to easy to get in a huge fight, and just say blech, it's over, and than it is.
C. If you fell in love with them ... for whatever reason ... enough to marry them, then you can again. Which, leads to D.
D. COUNSELING...talk with him about your concerns, ask him to see a T, or go to marriage counseling, while he sees a T, but before you do anything, find out what is up with him...

Ok, I agree, you can't make anyone do anything and if he/she doens't want to...at that I can only say let them go, and if they realize what a mistake they made they will come back, if they don't oh well, then you plan for a life ahead, if you feel you have done everything you can to save the marriage, and your partner doesn't/isn't responding or helping...I suppose it's done, I really don't like saying that, because I believe 99% of marriages can be saved, and should be, but people just give up, and then, it's over.

I hope things work out for you.

God Bless!

I agree with you on a lot of things ihateit. People give up on marriage too easily and seem to think that they're going to be happy every minute of every day. That's not the case.

There's one line I draw in the sand, also from personal experience. Abuse. And if you add children into that equation there's that much more of an urgency.

My father was an abusive alcoholic, my mother loved him dearly and stayed with him. He DID quit drinking, he did get help become a better person and they remained married until his death 5 years ago. Ahhh a story with a happy ending... for them. Don't get me wrong, other than #1 kids, #2 husband, I loved, respected, adored, admired my father more than any other person on this planet. He was my personal hero. He looked into the face of his demons and he beat them and other than the drinking and physical abuse he was a truly great man. Other than the alcoholic rages he treated my mother with the utmost respect.

Here's the rub, my brother and I grew up with an abusive alcoholic as a father. I was 13 when he went to detox. My brother, 2 years younger, is an alcoholic, he has beaten his wife (they've beaten each other but I digress). My mother stayed because she felt that because of his job and status in the community she would have lost custody, and because she loved him more than life itself. It is my firm belief that my father would have hit his bottom much earlier in his life had she left him. (Their's is a love story for the books, truly).

People do not give children enough credit, they know when things are wrong. Even when you try to hide them. Children DESERVE to grow up in a safe, peaceful place. They deserve to have their parents treat each other in a civil manner.

Just because you've made the mistake of being in an abusive relationship, WHATEVER the form doesn't mean you should stay there. Particularly with children involved their health, safety and happiness must come first.

I only said this because I didn't see her mention kids, nor did I see any real abuse, to me, calling someone a name is ... childish, imho, not abusive. She didn't mention drinking was a problem, or any other abusive behavior. Here's that but again, but, I agree if the person is truly abusive get out, and get out quick...I'm still not saying divorce, get yourself out, get them the help they need, AAAA mentioned her father got better, a lot of people can and do get better, but they need help to see what they are doing. Some people honestly don't know they are hurting you until you tell them. We don't get the whole picutre here, I don't think. But, I'm not here to argue, just trying to help...I agree with a truly non repentant abuser, done...but I believe in people too.

I am not saying she should leave or stay as that is her choice.

What I am saying is name calling IS abusive if its upsetting the person its aimed at in any way shape or form.

Have to add that the comment you made has really annoyed me you have just dismissed name calling at a drop of a hat when it is very distressing for some people who are on the recieving end of it.

I am sorry to have upset you. I don't name call because I think it's childish. I understand what you are saying though, if it's meant to hurt and it does hurt, than yes it's abusve.

Think of children though, one minute they say I hate you, you're an idiot, I wish you were dead, and the next minute they are fine, best friends and playing again. As adults, we do the same things, only we take longer to recognize that we didn't mean it, and again, might not know what we are doing is hurting someone (if we have some mental block). What I was saying is, he may not know he's doing it, that is all.

girl you should definetly get a divorce if things are that bad! you should not put yourself through something like that because you sound like a wonderful woman and you deserve better. so take my advice, stand up for yourself and leave his ***

I can agree with you on this point whole heartdly however the adult we would be talking about would have to extreamly immature and childlike as they are the only ones who wouldnt see the severity of this kind of abuse.

ihateit,

We've found another place to disagree. Verbal abusive is worse than physical abuse in my opinion. Bruises heal, but verbal abuse stays with you forever.

Yes my father did get better, but my brother and I paid dearly for that. Was the cost worth it? I don't know. His success did have other costs as well. My cousin was married to a very abusive man, he beat the hell out of her all of the time. The worse was when she was six months pregnant with her second child, she finally got the courage to leave. Being a single mother was difficult for her, different members of our family had the ability to help her but they refused. Two reasons sited, 1) this is your husband, you married him you belong with him (faith based bs) 2) Tom (my father) went through this stage, look at him now!

My cousin and her sister are two very beautiful and talented women. And I mean beautiful, the elder of the two modeled to put herself through college and had she been taller there's no doubt in my mind you'd know her by name. But they are a product of a verbally abusive home. Nothing drastic, they were not called stupid, but they were called ugly, b.itch, and other childish things by their parents. They grew up with no self esteem. Each married total and complete jerks.

In my opinion, anything that is meant to humiliate, control or cause suffering is abuse. The problem I think is that we see some of these actions in ourselves and are not willing to define them as abuse because of that. It's like porn, no clear definition in the law, but you know it when you see it.

I cringe everytime I see somebody mention this.....just realizing that sends chills down my spine bc i verbally abused my wife/ex wife. I hate that i am an abuser

Ok, maybe I am not making myself clear, I do that a lot, and I apologize. My father verbally abused me, calle me a F***er all the time, would swear and yell at me, so yes I KNOW what it's all about. What I was trying to get across is, and I did say leave, leave now if he's abusing you, but my main point was maybe he doesn't know how it's affecting her, and that he's even really doing it...from my own experience I was controling and had anger fits, some of you have read my story, and I dind't know what it was doing to my spouse, I honestly didn't know! That was my point. Maybe he doesn't know, and he needs some T help...but again, and I repeat, that you AAAA, and Tishie, we do not disagree at all, I see it the same way you all do, so please try to understand my point and not take the offenisve and think I am heartless, I am not, I am just trying to let her know my experience and what could be going on.

ncguynva I am sorry for both your wife and yourself. I hope the fact that you see it means that you can get help and change. It is possible. As I said, my father always was a wonderful man, he had a problem with alcohol and once he got help he was an even more awesome father. He had his faults to be sure. You can heal and improve. The cycle can be broken, I'm proof of that. We did all the right things, family therapy the whole nine yards. I don't know why my brother continues the cycle.

I'd like to blame it on the alcohol, but he nearly killed his wife a couple of years ago and was stone cold sober. He was just really offended. His wife cheated on him (not the problem) and lied to him about it right to his face (problem). See in our family a lie is an insult to our intelligence, very offended. I'm sure his military service (also Marine) did not help, when he was in we were fighting with everyone, he was in Lybia, Kuwait, and Somolia (sp). So as you know he's seen and done things that no one should have to see or do.