Can't deal with his life.

Long story short: Been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. We communicate very well. He is a patient, understanding loving man. He loves me truly and wholly unconditionally. I know I am lucky..however, there is a big lack of...mental connection? I find myself rather bored with him, and like we have nothing to talk about. i vaccilate constantly between whether or not we need to part ways, because I get empty/ bored/ stifled.

In addition to this: recently, he lost his job. He's completely unorganized (he is ADD in every truest sense) and he has a lot of things piling up. He has a home he cant afford anymore, tons of bill and collection notices on his table, school loans floating around (he quit his 2 year program after one year.) and just a lot of loose ends. His house is an unorganized mess. He seems only interested in: sleeping until 1 PM, or: going to his part time job, which is more like play-time for him because he works with his brother, playing cop at a grocery store.

I know that the "ideal" person should: stand by him, overlook this, focus on the fact that he is loving and kind e.t.c. I wish it were that easy!

I need quite a bit of structure in my life, so this is driving me craaaaazy. I have even told him I need to detach myself from his messes, because I cant deal with his and mine combined. But I'm finding this difficult because I can't seem to completley seperate his mess from the pros of the relationship. I am so frustrated, mad, and upset thay I'm just getting crabby with him every day now.

I don't know what to do!

Hi greenidentity...I like your username BTW...

Do the two of you talk about this issue?

If so,,describe the communication...

Is there something about you that doesn't fit him...has he expressed this?

If so,,can each of you work on these aspects of yourselves,,create small but achieveable goals to measure your progress and reward each other when success is achieeved...maybe a weekend away?....

Love is a wonderfull feeling and in its purest form it has no expectations. But we do need to make it from one day to the next and there are basic life skills that allow Love to breath in its purest form...

With Care,

Lenny

Thanks! green is my favorite color.

I have fully expressed my frustratations to him. I feel like i've tried "everything" Such as: offering to help, getting upset, completely leaving the issue alone. He really doesn't cooperate with me at all, only saying he knows he has a lot of things to get in order, but then he doesnt take even one step to do so. It's gotten to the point where anytime I say anything, it's just nagging. He won't meet me halfway, and it's his life so of course I can't make him do anything.

He hasn't expressed any upset/issue with me specifically. We recently took a break (no talking or contact), because I really needed to just....think. Throughout, he sent me a few texts saying he missed me. He tells me often that I'm wonderful, and he truly loves me. He even says he's afraid I won't really beleieve him. He is constantly reassuring me...even though I rarely ask for it. So I can't see any issue he may have with me... I'm sure he doesnt like it when I "nag." However, I feel like I can't talk to him about my frustrations without it being interpreted that way. But then he will turn around and say "i know that I'm not doing what I should be doing." *AGH!!*

I've really tried to help. Telling him I can help him take small steps and get his finances in order e.t.c. I'm highly organized, so I have a lot to offer. But he never follows through....like I said he has extremely bad ADD. He has no health insurance or any spare money at all, so he cant get help.

Working out a reward system seems like a good idea...but I have little faith it will work. I have a hard time putting my foot down and start making ultimatums, because I don't want to be mean or seem manipulative. So I try to work with him, it doest work, I get upset, get crabby, withdraw, rinse and repeat. I feel like I'm not being fair..or nice enough. But I also cant stand this lack of structure, and it's affecting me emotionally!!!!

Not meaning to steal the thread or create an uproar but i am a bit confused by your statement Lenny.

Love is a wonderfull feeling and in its purest form it has no expectations. But we do need to make it from one day to the next and there are basic life skills that allow Love to breath in its purest form...

With love, dont we expect to be treated well and be respected? If you love somebody and somebody loves you, shouldn't they support you? Maybe I'm reading too much into it but I thought these things were a part of a healthy relationship, weather it was a friendship, significant other, bf/gf, fiance, or family.
Without respect, how can you love somebody?

No uproar from me ncguynva...I don't even growl...

Seriously though...questions of any kind are important to understanding and if Green doesn't mind then I will offer my thoughts...

Have you ever Loved an infant? Have you ever Loved someone who couldn't Love you back the way you Loved them? Have you ever Loved someone who was self destructive?

If you have answered Yes to any of the above,,you have Loved in its purest form...It was for the sake of Love...To Love rather than be Loved...

Once an expectation is part of the feeling,,it now has conditions,,some which may very well be appropriate for the health of someone,,,but those conditions now change the nature of the feeling...it is now conditional with limits and parameters...

IMHO.

Lenny

Wow....very nicely put Lenny. I understand now......Thanks!

Ok so then I am conditional. I don't want to be, but I can't just shove how I feel aside. I wish could, I feel like a monster/ bad girlfriend/ lousy person overall.

Green,

don't feel bad I dont think that there is anything wrong with that.

WHy do you think you are a bad person because of that? This is EXACTLY how I felt with my ex wife.
Are you two living together?

Unconditional love.....I had that for my wife. She was VERY destructive to me and the marriage. Even when she was destructive I tried to help her out. I truely understood her when she said that "You can only help somebody so much before they have to help themself" She was referring to her mother in that statement but I find that it is true about her too. I exhausted myself trying to make her more independant and goal oriented. Only she can change herself. It was a hard lesson to learn but a lesson nonetheless.
If you two are relying on each other for financial support, ie living together, personally i do not think that there is anything wrong with having expectations.
I do not think Lenny was not saying you are a bad person.

We don't live together, no.

I think that maybe some counseling for him would help. If he knows that he's "not doing what I should be doing", then there has to be a reason for it. Could it be that he's a little depressed or overwhelmed about losing his job? That's natural but if it takes control of your life, that ain't natural.

Communication and firm decisions would help. You can be supportive of him without supporting him. I think the no contact thing was a good idea. Perhaps motivating him to get his life in order or you'll be gone. Not that you want to, but you also can't be in a relationship like this too long before it starts taking its toll on you.

If you can, try getting one of these books, maybe it'll help:

http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Dat...4936262&sr=1-9

http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Rel...936262&sr=1-12

http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Whe...4936262&sr=1-5

Oh Greenindentity...you are not in any way a bad person....I am so sorry if I lead you to feel this...

We can Love unconditionally and institute Loving boundaires...This may seem like the proverbial paradox and in some ways it is...

I will ty to explain by using a personal issue...

One of my sons is deeply entrenched in his addiction. I Love him with all my heart. I make no efforts to control him or his disease. They are both out of my control. But I do listen to him and respond when asked with advice and counsel. In my life I do the "next right thing" and act as a lighthouse for him in displaying that there is a way around the rocks,,if he chooses to steer that way...

But,,,and this is important...I do not tolerate speaking to him when he is drunk,,I will not mitigate any circumstance or situation resulting from his drinking, nor will I ever encourage him to think that my unconditioanl Love for him is an expression of my acceptance of his behavior. I love him and always will because he is a wonderfull human being with incredible potential. He is compassionate and kind. He has flaws but is not flawed. He suffers terribly with a disease of obsession and compulsion which, at present, is killing him. I Love him no more or less because of "it". I just do.

But my boundaires are for me to maintain a healthy foundation unencumbered by his chaos. Like the flight attendent instructs,,,"before helping anyone with their oxygen mask,,put yours on first". I do.

You can Love your boyfriend completely without condition green,,,the Love has no conditions. But your place in his life does. He needs to change,,,for him,,not you. Let him know that you will Love him,,no matter what,,but your place in his life is subject to how he manages his...

IMHO.

With Care,

Lenny

That really hit home Lenny and explained EXACTLY how I feel about my soon to be ex wife