[moonlitsky]

I really like this quote from an online blog. Thought some of you might find it helpful.

'One very common reason for sexual feelings for a therapist is actually rooted in our childhood needs. Psychology sometimes refers to the “golden dream.” All human beings had the experience in the womb of being in a safe place, cared for, where all your needs were met and there was no separation between you and your mother; at that point in our development, we are not yet capable of even conceiving that we are a separate being. Then we’re born. No one really knows what a baby is feeling, but when we carry unfulfilled longings and needs from childhood, part of what we long for is to return to that time of perfect safety, where our needs were met without speaking them and there were no boundaries. Part of the maturation process for human beings is the realization that we are a separate person, with our own feelings and needs which are distinct from another person’s. But it is in a romantic/sexual relationship where an adult normally lowers their boundaries the most. Ideally, we allow a lover to see us clearly, both emotionally and physically. In the act of making love, we seek as much contact between us as is possible. The Bible actually refers to the sexual union within marriage as the two becoming one flesh. So when we enter therapy and those long dormant childhood needs and longings are stirred and awakened, we struggle to “fit” them somewhere. And the channel in which they flow most smoothly is in our sexual feelings. In other words, we are experiencing really intense, primitive longings from childhood and the closest thing we have to that as an adult is our sexual/romantic feelings. So we experience strong sexual feelings that ultimately, are really about what we wanted as children and didn’t get. It is this dynamic that is at the root of a client with a life-long heterosexual orientation to feel sexual attraction to a same gender therapist or a client with a homosexual orientation to feel attracted to an opposite gender therapist.'

Taken from: Tales of a Boundary Ninja | Insights about therapy and life learned the hard way

Moon

[bunnylove45]

And, what about a heterosexual female client experiencing heightened sexual feelings for a heterosexual male therapist that does not stem from some unmet childhood needs.

Feelings that develop in the 'here and now'.

Can't two adults feel a strong attraction to one another without having to trace it back to some emotional lackluster childhood event?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by bunnylove45

And, what about a heterosexual female client experiencing heightened sexual feelings for a heterosexual male therapist that does not stem from some unmet childhood needs.

Feelings that develop in the 'here and now'.

Can't two adults feel a strong attraction to one another without having to trace it back to some emotional lackluster childhood event?

Did you mean lackluster or blockbuster? I didn't see lackluster in moon's post. And it isn't being traced to a specific event, it's more an exquisite state of being.

[moonlitsky]

Originally Posted by bunnylove45

And, what about a heterosexual female client experiencing heightened sexual feelings for a heterosexual male therapist that does not stem from some unmet childhood needs.

Feelings that develop in the 'here and now'.

Can't two adults feel a strong attraction to one another without having to trace it back to some emotional lackluster childhood event?

The way we love is all about the infant - the blueprint for all future loving relationships is that early relationship with mother. That is where it begins. All love is 'here and now' and isn't about unmet needs necessarily; it can be about needs that were met!! As Hankster says, it's not about 'an event', it just 'is' - it's how we develop and become feeling beings.

For some, when there are unfulfilled needs from infancy, the therapeutic relationship can give us the opportunity to 'go back' and do some reparative work. This can only be done with a therapist who understands it and who doesn't act out with the client in a sexual way. As adults those early love feelings will be translated into adult sexual feelings. That is normal.

Moon

[RTerroni]

Originally Posted by bunnylove45

And, what about a heterosexual female client experiencing heightened sexual feelings for a heterosexual male therapist that does not stem from some unmet childhood needs.

Feelings that develop in the 'here and now'.

Can't two adults feel a strong attraction to one another without having to trace it back to some emotional lackluster childhood event?

I'm sure it works both ways although if anything it should be a Female towards someone who is Male since we all start out as Female in the wound, and Males develop their traits later.

[bunnylove45]

Originally Posted by moonlitsky

The way we love is all about the infant - the blueprint for all future loving relationships is that early relationship with mother. That is where it begins. All love is 'here and now' and isn't about unmet needs necessarily; it can be about needs that were met!! As Hankster says, it's not about 'an event', it just 'is' - it's how we develop and become feeling beings.

For some, when there are unfulfilled needs from infancy, the therapeutic relationship can give us the opportunity to 'go back' and do some reparative work. This can only be done with a therapist who understands it and who doesn't act out with the client in a sexual way. As adults those early love feelings will be translated into adult sexual feelings. That is normal.

Moon

And an 'infant' that didn't have love feelings from a parent is then projecting that desire/want/need onto a therapist?

[unaluna]

The thing is, what are the chances that, of all the people here on pc who have feelings for their therapist - how is it that they all fell in love with their t? Wouldn't we get suspicious if we all said we all fell in love with our barista or our pharmacist? Why aren't we suspicious about so many of us falling in love with our ts? Doesn't that raise a red flag that there is something else going on besides this great coincidence of so many people just happening to find the right person - their therapist? This is not the lotto.

[bunnylove45]

Originally Posted by hankster

The thing is, what are the chances that, of all the people here on pc who have feelings for their therapist - how is it that they all fell in love with their t? Wouldn't we get suspicious if we all said we all fell in love with our barista or our pharmacist? Why aren't we suspicious about so many of us falling in love with our ts? Doesn't that raise a red flag that there is something else going on besides this great coincidence of so many people just happening to find the right person - their therapist? This is not the lotto.

I'll just speak for myself and not other posters who 'love' their therapist.

I don't love him. I don't even know any personal information about him. To really love him I would have to know him outside of therapy and know him personally. He keeps a tight reign on personal information, as he should.

What I do know is that I feel a chemistry, a connection, a jolt when I'm sitting across from him. It's not loving, warm feeling. It's a sexual vibe that is electrifying, making me weak in my knees.

[RTerroni]

Originally Posted by hankster

The thing is, what are the chances that, of all the people here on pc who have feelings for their therapist - how is it that they all fell in love with their t? Wouldn't we get suspicious if we all said we all fell in love with our barista or our pharmacist? Why aren't we suspicious about so many of us falling in love with our ts? Doesn't that raise a red flag that there is something else going on besides this great coincidence of so many people just happening to find the right person - their therapist? This is not the lotto.

I think because most of us don't have a personal one-on-one connection with our barista or our pharmacist.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by bunnylove45

I'll just speak for myself and not other posters who 'love' their therapist.
I don't love him. I don't even know any personal information about him. To really love him I would have to know him outside of therapy and know him personally. He keeps a tight reign on personal information, as he should.
What I do know is that I feel a chemistry, a connection, a jolt when I'm sitting across from him. It's not loving, warm feeling. It's a sexual vibe that is electrifying, making me weak in my knees.

My first reaction was to say, well, carry on, then! I'm in over my head here! And to run away.

But seriously - I occasionally get what I call a "crotchy" feeling - when there has been a very understanding discussion between us about something. I will tell him I'm feeling that way, but then I usually do run away. He is always gentle and kind, but I don't know what to do with these feelings. Thank you for being so open about yours. Next time I will try to stay with mine longer. You have made an important distinction here.

So lets say you're a heterosexual 25 year old male and your female T looks like Scarlett Johansson.

The flaw is, that everytime someone has sexual feelings towards a T it's seen as relating back to childhood or transference.

People overlook simplicity, that the T is may just be sexually attractive to the client.

[RTerroni]

Originally Posted by Lycanthrope

So lets say you're a heterosexual 25 year old male and your female T looks like Scarlett Johansson.

The flaw is, that everytime someone has sexual feelings towards a T it's seen as relating back to childhood or transference.

People overlook simplicity, that the T is may just be sexually attractive to the client.

I was 25 Years Old (and a Heterosexual Male) when I started seeing my last Therapist and while she didn't quite look like Scarlett Johanson she was still pretty attractive and I realized that the very first time I saw here.

Originally Posted by RTerroni

I was 25 Years Old (and a Heterosexual Male) when I started seeing my last Therapist and while she didn't quite look like Scarlett Johanson she was still pretty attractive and I realized that the very first time I saw here.

My T doesn't look like Scarlett Johanson, but I still find her attractive but I'm not in love with her. At the moment I didn't actually like her that much but still find her attractive.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Lycanthrope

So lets say you're a heterosexual 25 year old male and your female T looks like Scarlett Johansson. The flaw is, that everytime someone has sexual feelings towards a T it's seen as relating back to childhood or transference. People overlook simplicity, that the T is may just be sexually attractive to the client.

Yeah - that's not it! I don't know what I am, but my t looks like Robert Redford only not so wrinkly. And still the feelings wax and wane. I think we mean when they ignite due to what's going on in session? Because that's the given here - once a client, always a client. You can't unring a bell.

[Gavinandnikki]

I am a 53 year old heterosexual woman married x 27 years. I adore my T and would have any form of sex with her. I lust after her. I fantasize about making love with and to her. I dream about sucking her breasts, kissing, touching, everything. She is beautiful. I love her so much.

She is 68 years old and very, very hot!

Yea.... Erotic transference. I get it.

[view247]

my therapist has gone to great lengths helping me understand boundaries, safe places and working through adverse child traumas that undermine healthly interpersonal relationships; the infusion of trust into our therapy sessions has helped me validate those missing connections that were burning/painful inside my body-mind; the intimacy generated in my work to find wellness needs a focal point, a focus to build those connections. in that way, my therapist has equipped and educated me on a spectrum of self-directed intimacy with my own internal fragments that were initially manipulated by my birth-mother.

[RTerroni]

Originally Posted by Lycanthrope

My T doesn't look like Scarlett Johanson, but I still find her attractive but I'm not in love with her. At the moment I didn't actually like her that much but still find her attractive.

I find my current Therapist to be more cute than hot but I think that right now respect overrides attraction.

[RTerroni]

Originally Posted by Gavinandnikki

I am a 53 year old heterosexual woman married x 27 years. I adore my T and would have any form of sex with her. I lust after her. I fantasize about making love with and to her. I dream about sucking her breasts, kissing, touching, everything. She is beautiful. I love her so much.

She is 68 years old and very, very hot!

Yea.... Erotic transference. I get it.

Please don't get that image in my head. I have a lawyer who is close to that age (maybe just a few years younger) and she looks every bit of it.

Thanks for the link moonlightsky and the explanation.
It does make sense to me as I always find myself attracted to my older female ts - two so far. I am female and never had any love from my mother.
It does signify an unmet need or a desire for something they cannot provide.
When I told my first t that I loved her I wish she would have explained this to me.
I do however think it is possible sometimes for there to be an attraction without it being about unmet needs.

[bunnylove45]

Originally Posted by Lycanthrope

So lets say you're a heterosexual 25 year old male and your female T looks like Scarlett Johansson.

The flaw is, that everytime someone has sexual feelings towards a T it's seen as relating back to childhood or transference.

People overlook simplicity, that the T is may just be sexually attractive to the client.

Well said! It's never brought up about the therapist feeling attracted to the client. And, it has nothing to do with his 'issues'.

Just two people attracted to one another.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by moonlitsky

One very common reason for sexual feelings for a therapist is actually rooted in our childhood needs. Psychology sometimes refers to the “golden dream.” All human beings had the experience in the womb of being in a safe place, cared for, where all your needs were met

I just wanted to point out that this is not in fact the case for everyone. For those of us who had mothers who did not take care of themselves/us while they were pregnant (drinking, smoking, drugs, attempted termination of pregnancy, etc), being in the womb was not a safe place. The idea of the womb makes a great rhetorical device or metaphor, but it does not hold up in practice.

Turning to the issue of attraction to one's T, I think that it is sometimes the result of unmet childhood needs and sometimes it is simply a case of physical attraction or lust. Sometimes, having unmet childhood needs also turns into maternal transference rather than erotic transference.

A few years ago, I saw a T for about 4 months. I felt physically attracted to her the first time I saw her-- before she even said her name or extended her hand for a handshake. She just happened to be a gorgeous, blonde, 30-something lesbian who was "my type" in every sense of the word. Because I only saw her for a short time, I didn't get the opportunity to develop a deep connection with her, and I don't know whether I would have developed "love" for her if we had more time. While I do have unmet childhood needs, my attraction to her had nothing to do with them. My feelings for her did run particularly deep; I just thought she was hot. She was nice and helpful and I liked her as a therapist-- but she changed jobs before our T/client relationship ever really got off the ground.

Since then, I've been seeing a T who is "mom" age and not my physical type. I do not feel an erotic attraction to her, but I do love her very much in a maternal/platonic way. I definitely have unmet childhood needs, and they have manifested in a desire to receive care and nurturing from my T. However, that desire for nurturing and affection has never taken a romantic turn. I relate to her either from a child-like place, or from the place of a platonic adult. I do like hugs from her and have even felt "little kid cuddly" towards her at times, but the idea of it becoming erotic would gross me out. My feelings towards her are much stronger and much more loving than they were for the T who I felt an attraction to. I didn't love her; I just thought she was hot. And, while I love my current T, I'm not attracted to her. I think the way in which attraction, love, and/or transference develop is different for every person. Yes, there may be patterns, but patterns are not hard and fast rules.

[RTerroni]

Originally Posted by bunnylove45

Well said! It's never brought up about the therapist feeling attracted to the client. And, it has nothing to do with his 'issues'.

Just two people attracted to one another.

Which I don't see as being wrong at all as long as you don't overstep your boundaries.

Thank you Moon!

That article was very well written and did a great job of making sense of a very confusing experience. Going through this experience can feel crazy and wrong, and reading that others have similar experiences helps. I will check out the rest of that blog later when I have more time. It looks very interesting.

Learning to trust, connect, share emotions, and be vulnerable is an intensely intimate experience. It can be very confusing when erotic feelings begin to occur when you don’t expect it to. My therapist is my mother’s age, nearing retirement, and I would not expect or want those feelings to be there. Yet it was something I had to sort through as part of my therapy.

In my case, when we first started to discuss this, my t reacted by emotionally withdrawing from me. This reinforced all of my ‘stuff’. We worked through it and she is fully there for me now, I think. We are still trying to find our way. It was very confusing for both of us though.

I know that for others their sexual feelings can be explained by normal human adult physical attraction. That was not true for me. When I finally allowed connection between us to develop, the feelings I had were those of an inner infant, and a scared inner infant at that. My needs when I allow them are for nurturing, safety, acceptance. Where does the sexual come from in that? It turns out that there is actually a direct connection that many might not expect.

Thank you for this article, and for your previous posts, that help to make this experience less scary and more normal.

Turtle

[tooski]

I think emotions for T aren't always simple and can be very complex. I have two kinds of feelings for my T and I can tell the difference. There is the transference stuff which is incredibly powerful and involves over-reacting to certain things in a really dramatic way. This has been extremely painful, but really useful in therapy, and understanding these emotions has helped a lot with my understanding of myself and my RL relationships.

At the other end of the spectrum, I care a lot for this person. He's a good man, who has made it his life's work to help others as he also does a lot of pastoral counseling. He's a rock for a lot of people. He does a good amount of self-disclosure, so after almost 3 years of therapy I know quite a bit about him. He's certainly not perfect!!! But I care very deeply about him as a human being which goes way beyond the physical attraction.

So .... there's two ends of the spectrum, with a whole lot of grey area inbetween where I don't know which the feelings belong to. I know I'm rambling but this is difficult to deal with. It helps me to write about it.

But thanks, moonlit sky, for the article. It was very helpful.

[starting_over]

I keep thinking about what was going on with the transference towards my therapist.

Despite being over 20 years older than I am, I found her very attractive - probably something that was enhanced by those qualities that I admired in her: confidence, intelligence, drive - sometimes her playful side would come across. Things that I wish I had more of in myself. I envied her too, I guess - she's very successful. Letting her see how broken I was and what a failure I really am brought up a lot of shame in me - I spent a lot of time trying to hide my shame from her - time wasted in therapy. When it finally broke through it brought up strong feelings of anger and humiliation (which I found quite kinky) and now there's a lot of regret. My feelings keep swinging between regret and erotic humiliation and I feel very stuck.

I keep asking myself whether I am so small that I couldn't accept the help of a strong successful woman? The thought of getting on my knees and begging her to give a damn about me feels so so right.

I've got to be careful about why I'm writing this. I know that part of me is enjoying pining for her because it distracts me from the task of getting on with my life. It also feels good to actually feel something for another person. On the other hand I think it's healthy to express the feelings that I'm ashamed of so that I don't build up the shame in my head. I know that these kind of feelings are not that uncommon.