[JeffLawrence]

I have been in therapy for over six years. I recognized after about a year that I had grown very emotionally attached to my female therapist; I will say that I love her. I have read a lot and I understand the transference concept, and that I don't really know this person that I sit with every week, to whom I spill my guts. She represents someone from my past, or an ideal person that I wish I could know.

I think about her every day. Some days she is constantly on my mind. Those days I wake up thinking of her, and she is on my mind until I go to sleep. The pain of knowing that one day our therapy will be over, and I probably will never see or talk to her again is very painful. The obsession and the pain have eased a bit over time, but at this rate it will take another 3 or 4 years to be eradicated. Somehow I cannot let the feelings I have for her die out, even though I understand the reasons for my love feelings for her. Many of our sessions are based around my feelings for her and branch out to related issues.

As an example of the mental games I have played with myself to try to become a part of her life after therapy: whenever she reschedules an appointment because she is ill, I imagine that she has a serious illness that she is hiding from me. I then feel that I can somehow help her if only she would confide in me. I am not a doctor. She has had no outward signs of serious illness, and as I said, I have known her for over six years.

My love has given me much to ruminate about. I have had a lot of introspection and personal growth, partly as a result of my feelings for her. But my feelings have also gotten in the way of my therapy. I concern myself with wanting to know her better, and the desire to know if we might try being friends one day.

But my life goes forward, as does everyone's. If I live long enough, and work at it, I may one day understand myself and my pain.

Thanks for reading my long thoughts of longing.

[moonlitsky]

Originally Posted by JeffLawrence

I have been in therapy for over six years. I recognized after about a year that I had grown very emotionally attached to my female therapist; I will say that I love her. I have read a lot and I understand the transference concept, and that I don't really know this person that I sit with every week, to whom I spill my guts. She represents someone from my past, or an ideal person that I wish I could know.

I think about her every day. Some days she is constantly on my mind. Those days I wake up thinking of her, and she is on my mind until I go to sleep. The pain of knowing that one day our therapy will be over, and I probably will never see or talk to her again is very painful. The obsession and the pain have eased a bit over time, but at this rate it will take another 3 or 4 years to be eradicated. Somehow I cannot let the feelings I have for her die out, even though I understand the reasons for my love feelings for her. Many of our sessions are based around my feelings for her and branch out to related issues.

As an example of the mental games I have played with myself to try to become a part of her life after therapy: whenever she reschedules an appointment because she is ill, I imagine that she has a serious illness that she is hiding from me. I then feel that I can somehow help her if only she would confide in me. I am not a doctor. She has had no outward signs of serious illness, and as I said, I have known her for over six years.

My love has given me much to ruminate about. I have had a lot of introspection and personal growth, partly as a result of my feelings for her. But my feelings have also gotten in the way of my therapy. I concern myself with wanting to know her better, and the desire to know if we might try being friends one day.

But my life goes forward, as does everyone's. If I live long enough, and work at it, I may one day understand myself and my pain.

Thanks for reading my long thoughts of longing.

Hello Jeff

I just read your post and was very moved by it. You beautifully explained how it feels for you in a regressive transference with your therapist. Although painful it feels very beautiful. Try not to torture yourself with the fears of therapy ending. As little ones that is one of our biggest fears - that we will be abandoned - because we couldn't survive of we were. It sounds like you are very much experiencing that place with your therapist - and of course it would be scary to think of ending - you are dependant on her right now. But one day this will change and it will feel much as it does when we grow up and are ready to leave home - we might be nervous about it but we feel ok to venture out alone knowing there is a safe base to check in with should we need it - and that is what the end of therapy should feel like - when the early transference you are experiencing is resolved and you see your therapist as the person she is with all her faults and humanness!

Right now the fantasy is you want to know all about her - be right inside her perhaps? - and that is normal. But in reality the fantasy wouldn't stand - to actually be her friend, or to have to help her, etc would actually be agonisingly painful and would ruin the transference that you need to do the very important work you are doing. I hope you are able to tell her all you have told us here?

Right now the feelings of needing her 24/7 and being preoccupied with her are absolutely normal. You have the courage to work through this and already realise it is facilitating change. It is slow work becauise it is very painful.

Thank you for sharing - keep on talking if it helps.

Moon

[JeffLawrence]

Hello Moon,

Thank you for your thoughtful response to my post.

Yes, I have told her everything that I said in my post, and a whole lot more. The first time I brought up the issue of my feelings for her was agonizing. It has since gotten to be a regular part of our conversation.

I just went back and read your first post from March 17. I see that you are a therapist and a patient. I would like to know if you have had feelings of love for your therapist, and if so, does it ever become just a bittersweet memory. Somehow, even though I have been in love with her for about five years, and I think that I should be beyond that feeling by now, I still cannot imagine my life without her. The mystique of not knowing her personally, yet having such a strong desire to know this lovely lady outside of our therapy room, is sometimes more than I can bear. I got past my mother's death when I was 20 much easier than the idea that one day I will no longer have contact with my therapist. Sounds crazy, but a feeling is something I cannot control through logic. It is what it is.

Thanks.

Jeff

[moonlitsky]

Originally Posted by JeffLawrence

Hello Moon,

Thank you for your thoughtful response to my post.

Yes, I have told her everything that I said in my post, and a whole lot more. The first time I brought up the issue of my feelings for her was agonizing. It has since gotten to be a regular part of our conversation.

I just went back and read your first post from March 17. I see that you are a therapist and a patient. I would like to know if you have had feelings of love for your therapist, and if so, does it ever become just a bittersweet memory. Somehow, even though I have been in love with her for about five years, and I think that I should be beyond that feeling by now, I still cannot imagine my life without her. The mystique of not knowing her personally, yet having such a strong desire to know this lovely lady outside of our therapy room, is sometimes more than I can bear. I got past my mother's death when I was 20 much easier than the idea that one day I will no longer have contact with my therapist. Sounds crazy, but a feeling is something I cannot control through logic. It is what it is.

Thanks.

Jeff

Hello Jeff

Yes, I have experienced a deep love for my therapist. It has been very regressive, fearing she will be gone and I will die in the pain. It has been erotic and we have worked with what that means, I have raged and kicked and fought and hated, envied and shouted - and she is still there. Now it is (normally!) quieter. I have never felt loved so deeply, nor have I loved so deeply - it has been profound. I, like you, often tell myself I should be done by now, but I also know that such work does take many years, because it can only be done in little bits because of the pain and us having adult lives to lead too.

Truth is, if we knew them personally, the transference wouldn't be there so powerfully, and we couldn't do this work. The frame needs to be that way to enable healing but I hear how painful it is for you.

All I can do is assure you that it does get worked through and gradually the transference becomes resolved. Then the love you feel will be more inline with a comfortable adult love, rather than the desperate and frightening feelings we experience when we are intouch with infant survival/attachment needs and fear of annihilation.

I remember saying to my therapist it would feel easier if my own mother died than her - what you are feeling is absolutely normal.

Fortunately (not for her though!) my therapist has been through it too - so she is able to understand how painful it is - especially the longing that you describe.

Hang in there Jeff

Moon

[JeffLawrence]

Originally Posted by moonlitsky

Hello Jeff

Yes, I have experienced a deep love for my therapist. It has been very regressive, fearing she will be gone and I will die in the pain. It has been erotic and we have worked with what that means, I have raged and kicked and fought and hated, envied and shouted - and she is still there. Now it is (normally!) quieter. I have never felt loved so deeply, nor have I loved so deeply - it has been profound. I, like you, often tell myself I should be done by now, but I also know that such work does take many years, because it can only be done in little bits because of the pain and us having adult lives to lead too.

Truth is, if we knew them personally, the transference wouldn't be there so powerfully, and we couldn't do this work. The frame needs to be that way to enable healing but I hear how painful it is for you.

All I can do is assure you that it does get worked through and gradually the transference becomes resolved. Then the love you feel will be more inline with a comfortable adult love, rather than the desperate and frightening feelings we experience when we are intouch with infant survival/attachment needs and fear of annihilation.

I remember saying to my therapist it would feel easier if my own mother died than her - what you are feeling is absolutely normal.

Fortunately (not for her though!) my therapist has been through it too - so she is able to understand how painful it is - especially the longing that you describe.

Hang in there Jeff

Moon

Hello again Moon,

Thank you so much for taking the time and effort to send me such intimate, thoughtful responses. Are you still in therapy with the one you had such overwhelming feelings for? If not, were you able to have a friendship with her after therapy ended?

Here is a poem I recently wrote. I haven't written poetry in many years, but I was inspired by some sad songs I heard on the radio. I'm not much of a poet, but I found that writing it gave me some comfort and focus. If you would like to read some deep feelings and understandings that I express in bad poetry, please proceed. It reads like a pitiful torch song.

I know
That loving her doesn’t make sense.
It’s so ‘textbook’, I know.
But I love her even so,
Even though
I know it doesn’t make sense.

I tell her:
I know it makes oh so much sense.
It’s so typical,
So predictable,
So par for the course.
Dwelling on this just makes me morose.

She tells me I seem to now understand,
That my mind is mine, at my own command,
But it feels like it has control over me,
Regardless of how much logic I see,
Emotions have me drown in quicksand.

Something strong stands so firm in my way,
That keeps me so tightly snared in love’s sway.
So I can’t overcome,
My feelings succumb,
And the logic has no more to say.

It makes loads of sense
To love this sweet dear,
Who only says what I need to hear.
I can say what I want
Be who I am,
Without any fighting or jeer.

But this "friendship's" not real,
It’s her profession, a deal,
She’s not what a friend or lover would be.
This I can see,
It is all about me,
I know this,
But it’s not how I feel.

I want to know her,
What’s she all about,
What came before,
And why does she pout?
Are her secrets too sacred and sore?

How can I think that she’ll set me apart?
I’m not young and handsome or particularly smart,
Not really skilled in living or art.
Not very nice, if I want the truth told.
In fact I’m quite nasty and grumpy and old.

I hope that by now she can see through my heap,
See who I am underneath, and knows why,
See who I am, as if through my own eyes.
If my nastiness stems from roots old and deep,
I hope that she knows I’m not just some creep.

I dread the day that will finally be last,
Our sessions will end, and I’ll miss the past.
Our friendship never was and never will be,
It will leave a great hole deep inside of me.
In her mind at last she'll be done with me, free!

- Jeff

[moonlitsky]

Hello Jeff

Thank you for sharing your beautiful poem - a love poem?

Yes - I am still in therapy with the same therapist 3 or 4x weekly.

She will never be my friend because I need her to be my therapist. The therapeutic relationship I have with her goes deeper than any friendship ever could and I will fight to preserve it, as would she. I once fantasied that I wanted to know all about her and her private life - that has changed as i realised I probably know her deeper and more inbtimately than I could as a friend, without needing to know anything else. She has given so much to me - her love, her commitment and her care - I don't need to know the facts of her life because i know I am wanted and special whoever else may be in her life - it has taken many years for me to get to that place - to know I am loved and she has space for me - that others in her life don't wipe me out. Infact, she practices from home, and I do actually know alot about her just from going there so often - it's like a second home to me!

Much as you describe, I would describe my time in therapy with her as a love affair. The first love affair we ever have is at mother's breast - it is the blueprint for all the intimate relationships we have in the future. If it doesn't go right we instinctively seek others to meet those unmet needs. This is where a good therapist comes into play. My therapist has allowed me to attach and depend on her and then to work through all that happened to me as a baby and child. It has been like a love affair with fights and making up - the ruptures and repair that are therapy. She has allowed me to get to the deepest and darkest recesses of my psyche, stayed close by when it got messy and has loved me like no one ever did. She hasn't been afraid to show me herself and has lain herself vulnerable for me. I love her for that. She has given me a gift like I have never had and slowly I am healing. It is a grieving for all I never had. She is being internalised so eventually I will be able to 'leave home' and go it alone - but I know she will always be there and we will always be in touch - but never as friends. (In there too is the realisation that the therapist can never be the mother we never had - we have to grieve for that too).

It sounds like you still have some way to go, which is why the thought of leaving therapy is so agonising. I once heard a little boy say he was never going to leave home because he was going to marry mummy. I see you perhaps in that (oedipal perhaps?) place with your therapist. It has to be worked with and felt in many different ways - you will get there and the dependancy will lessen to a more comfortable place.

I wonder if knowing her private life feels it would bring you to a more even footing with her? Fact is that isn true - it would bust the transference and likely ruin the therapy - and ultimately the fantasy would be destroyed and the reality could be a disaster - much as when a therapist acts out in the erotic transference and has sex with a patient - the child part of the patient - agony. So allow yourself the fantasies, speak them, understand them, feel them but know that what we want isn't always what we need.

Now, for me, it's not the nstural ending of therapy I fear but a premature ending that terrifies me.

Hope that isn't too rambly - I am tired and off to bed now so may not be too coherent!!

Take good care

Moon

[rainbow8]

Jeff,

Thank you for expressing your feelings so beautifully. I could have written most of your post, and your poem too. I always thought my "pattern" of falling in love with my Ts (I've had 5 and the same thing has happened with 3 of them) was my "issue", and in a way it is. It always seems to "take over" my therapy, making it hard to concentrate on anything else. It's worse with my current T because we have more in common than I had with the others. We're both female, and I too, am about 15 years older than she is. Age doesn't matter when we're in the throes of transference love.

I always used to say that my T "shattered my dreams." Over and over I would intellectually understand transference and the reality of the therapeutic relationship, yet over and over I'd have the same feelings for her! It is getting better, though. I've accepted that she is my T, and not my mother, lover, or friend. I've realized that the T relationship being different does not make it less! In some ways it is more intimate than any other relationship. What I have with my T is something special and unique. If we were friends, she couldn't be my T. I know how hard it is, though. I totally understand your feelings. Each week I fear that something will happen to my T (like her death) and I will never see her again. I've seen her for 3 years and I worry about that most of the time.

I've also talked a lot about my feelings for her in my sessions, though that has been changing lately. I know T is about me, not about her. For some reason, I've felt closer to her as I'm beginning to accept what she is to me, and what she is not.

Keep posting and sharing here.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by moonlitsky

Hello Jeff

Truth is, if we knew them personally, the transference wouldn't be there so powerfully, and we couldn't do this work. The frame needs to be that way to enable healing but I hear how painful it is for you.

All I can do is assure you that it does get worked through and gradually the transference becomes resolved. Then the love you feel will be more inline with a comfortable adult love, rather than the desperate and frightening feelings we experience when we are intouch with infant survival/attachment needs and fear of annihilation.

I remember saying to my therapist it would feel easier if my own mother died than her - what you are feeling is absolutely normal.

Fortunately (not for her though!) my therapist has been through it too - so she is able to understand how painful it is - especially the longing that you describe.
Thank you, Moonlitsky, for explaining transference so well. I have a question about what you posted above. WHY do we need the transference to do the work in therapy? WHY does the frame need to be that way to enable healing? Not everyone goes through this "agony" of love for their Ts, yet they are helped by their Ts. What good is it for me to care so much about my T, and want her to be with me forever, and all the rest of the feelings?
Hang in there Jeff

I can't get the quotes right. Sorry. The following was written by Moonlitsky, not me. Thanks, Moon!

She will never be my friend because I need her to be my therapist. The therapeutic relationship I have with her goes deeper than any friendship ever could and I will fight to preserve it, as would she. I once fantasied that I wanted to know all about her and her private life - that has changed as i realised I probably know her deeper and more inbtimately than I could as a friend, without needing to know anything else. She has given so much to me - her love, her commitment and her care - I don't need to know the facts of her life because i know I am wanted and special whoever else may be in her life - it has taken many years for me to get to that place - to know I am loved and she has space for me - that others in her life don't wipe me out. Infact, she practices from home, and I do actually know alot about her just from going there so often - it's like a second home to me!

Much as you describe, I would describe my time in therapy with her as a love affair. The first love affair we ever have is at mother's breast - it is the blueprint for all the intimate relationships we have in the future. If it doesn't go right we instinctively seek others to meet those unmet needs. This is where a good therapist comes into play. My therapist has allowed me to attach and depend on her and then to work through all that happened to me as a baby and child. It has been like a love affair with fights and making up - the ruptures and repair that are therapy. She has allowed me to get to the deepest and darkest recesses of my psyche, stayed close by when it got messy and has loved me like no one ever did. She hasn't been afraid to show me herself and has lain herself vulnerable for me. I love her for that. She has given me a gift like I have never had and slowly I am healing. It is a grieving for all I never had. She is being internalised so eventually I will be able to 'leave home' and go it alone - but I know she will always be there and we will always be in touch - but never as friends. (In there too is the realisation that the therapist can never be the mother we never had - we have to grieve for that too).

It sounds like you still have some way to go, which is why the thought of leaving therapy is so agonising. I once heard a little boy say he was never going to leave home because he was going to marry mummy. I see you perhaps in that (oedipal perhaps?) place with your therapist. It has to be worked with and felt in many different ways - you will get there and the dependancy will lessen to a more comfortable place.

I wonder if knowing her private life feels it would bring you to a more even footing with her? Fact is that isn true - it would bust the transference and likely ruin the therapy - and ultimately the fantasy would be destroyed and the reality could be a disaster - much as when a therapist acts out in the erotic transference and has sex with a patient - the child part of the patient - agony. So allow yourself the fantasies, speak them, understand them, feel them but know that what we want isn't always what we need.

Now, for me, it's not the nstural ending of therapy I fear but a premature ending that terrifies me.

Hope that isn't too rambly - I am tired and off to bed now so may not be too coherent!!

Take good care

Moon

[/quote]Your post is very helpful, and makes me feel that there is hope for me to end my "pattern". Jeff, I don't mean to hijack your thread but I wanted to thank Moon for sharing her expertise as well as personal experience in therapy.

[0w6c379]

Jeff, I just read your thread and want you to know that I feel similarly toward my T as you do. Your poem is beautiful. I love my T so much too. Don't want to go into many details now but just to let you know that you are not alone. I'm glad you did your research and pointed out that Moonlitsky was a therapist himself. He sounds cold to the whole situation if you ask me (no offense meant as I respect T's in general just disagree with your comments in this thread). Too professional for me, but then, maybe you were looking for a profesional opinion? I looked for that too once.

Sounds to me like Moonlitsky does not believe one can truly be in love with their therapist. I still don't see any harm in becoming friends or more if both people wanted to. Of course, you'd have to speak to your T about that to see where she stands. My relationship with T ended because the pain was too intense. I cannot handle it. I needed more of him than 50 minutes in a room once a week. I don't see how anyone can say that the T client/ relationship can be stronger than friendship or equally rewarding. The limitations on communicating are too restrictive to support that theory in my opinion. I won't hear of anyone telling me that my love was not real or true. Who is anyone to dictate my choice of a friend. I'll pick who I want, thank you very much. I am aware that my T is not a perfect person as I'm sure you are aware too Jeff. I do not see him as anything other than who he is - a human being (last time I looked anyway ). In my case, my love was not reciprocated by T and it hurts so much that I had to end it. The road ahead will be very hard without him. I try not to think about it and have put up a mental block for now. T is still in my mind as if I never left him. It will all catch up with me someday but till then I hold on tight to my memories of our sessions. I hope things work out better for you Jeff. I hope you can continue on in therapy with her. Good luck.

[JeffLawrence]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Jeff,

Thank you for expressing your feelings so beautifully. I could have written most of your post, and your poem too. I always thought my "pattern" of falling in love with my Ts (I've had 5 and the same thing has happened with 3 of them) was my "issue", and in a way it is. It always seems to "take over" my therapy, making it hard to concentrate on anything else. It's worse with my current T because we have more in common than I had with the others. We're both female, and I too, am about 15 years older than she is. Age doesn't matter when we're in the throes of transference love.

I always used to say that my T "shattered my dreams." Over and over I would intellectually understand transference and the reality of the therapeutic relationship, yet over and over I'd have the same feelings for her! It is getting better, though. I've accepted that she is my T, and not my mother, lover, or friend. I've realized that the T relationship being different does not make it less! In some ways it is more intimate than any other relationship. What I have with my T is something special and unique. If we were friends, she couldn't be my T. I know how hard it is, though. I totally understand your feelings. Each week I fear that something will happen to my T (like her death) and I will never see her again. I've seen her for 3 years and I worry about that most of the time.

I've also talked a lot about my feelings for her in my sessions, though that has been changing lately. I know T is about me, not about her. For some reason, I've felt closer to her as I'm beginning to accept what she is to me, and what she is not.

Keep posting and sharing here.

Hi Rainbow,

Thank you for your input.

One thing you mentioned in your post that I find especially bothersome about my T. You said, "It's worse with my current T because we have more in common than I had with the others." Does your T tell you any details about herself? Mine adamantly guards her privacy. She tells me that it's part of the therapy process for her to be a "blank slate", but I can't help but feel that she is withholding from me for personal reasons; as if she doesn't trust me with knowing anything about her. I have discussed that feeling with her, and it always brings us to other situations in my childhood when things were kept from me. That's legitimate, but the notion of "I've got a secret that I won't tell you", which makes me feel persecuted, is very present.

I look forward to reading anything you have to say.

-Jeff

[JeffLawrence]

Originally Posted by Michelle25

Jeff, I just read your thread and want you to know that I feel similarly toward my T as you do. Your poem is beautiful. I love my T so much too. Don't want to go into many details now but just to let you know that you are not alone. I'm glad you did your research and pointed out that Moonlitsky was a therapist himself. He sounds cold to the whole situation if you ask me (no offense meant as I respect T's in general just disagree with your comments in this thread). Too professional for me, but then, maybe you were looking for a profesional opinion? I looked for that too once.

Sounds to me like Moonlitsky does not believe one can truly be in love with their therapist. I still don't see any harm in becoming friends or more if both people wanted to. Of course, you'd have to speak to your T about that to see where she stands. My relationship with T ended because the pain was too intense. I cannot handle it. I needed more of him than 50 minutes in a room once a week. I don't see how anyone can say that the T client/ relationship can be stronger than friendship or equally rewarding. The limitations on communicating are too restrictive to support that theory in my opinion. I won't hear of anyone telling me that my love was not real or true. Who is anyone to dictate my choice of a friend. I'll pick who I want, thank you very much. I am aware that my T is not a perfect person as I'm sure you are aware too Jeff. I do not see him as anything other than who he is - a human being (last time I looked anyway ). In my case, my love was not reciprocated by T and it hurts so much that I had to end it. The road ahead will be very hard without him. I try not to think about it and have put up a mental block for now. T is still in my mind as if I never left him. It will all catch up with me someday but till then I hold on tight to my memories of our sessions. I hope things work out better for you Jeff. I hope you can continue on in therapy with her. Good luck.

Hi Michelle,

What you went through sounds very hurtful. If I understand correctly, your T told you outright that he did not love you, at least not the same way you loved him. My T has never said that, exactly. What she has said many times is that we are not friends, we are therapist and client; nothing more and nothing less. She emphasizes the value of our relationship within that realm. She also has told me repeatedly that my attempts to get her to disclose info. about herself, or trying to discover what SHE is thinking, is not therapy. When I do that, what I am doing, she says, is trying to reverse our roles, and that is not therapy. I understand that, but my emotions have been very stubborn, as they are in other areas of my life, and so I continue to probe. That in itself is very telling of who I am.

I intend to continue therapy, although there have certainly been times when I wanted to take a break, but never have.

Best wishes, to you, Michelle. I am trying to get my emotions on track with my intellect. I wish the same for you.

- Jeff

[rainbow8]

Jeff: I think it's harder when your T is a "blank slate". I actually didn't think there were too many Ts who followed that philosophy anymore. Not that it's wrong, but it's Freudian and I didn't think there were many strict "Freudian Ts" around these days. I may be wrong about this though. I'm no expert; I just get my information from reading.

No, my T is not a blank slate, and I do know some things about her and her family. Some I know from googling her and from looking on Facebook, though. I understand what you mean about hating secrets and being left out. If your T follows the "blank slate" philosophy, then she is NOT withholding information from you because she doesn't trust you, but because that's the way she does therapy.

My T is adamant about not discussing her husband, though, and that makes me angry at times. She used to say "I'm going on a vacation" and I would ask if she meant her H too. She said "yes" but it was like pulling teeth. It seems more weird not to just say "my H and I are going on vacation so I won't be here such and such weeks." I do have issues about the way it seems like he doesn't exist but I know he does.

I don't do well with the blank slate theory because it would make me wonder about my T, and I'd search for more information than I already have. I'm not sure if knowing about her makes me less or more attached. We share an interest in art and photography and she has her work on her office walls. Her website mentioned her hobbies and that she had children. We are the same religion. You'd think knowing some about her life would make the transference less, but maybe it makes it worse! I hate when she doesn't tell me something, though usually if I ask, and it's not too personal, she will answer me.

Again, it's not a matter of your T trusting you with information about herself. It's her therapeutic orientation. I hope this helps.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

She will never be my friend because I need her to be my therapist. The therapeutic relationship I have with her goes deeper than any friendship ever could and I will fight to preserve it, as would she. I once fantasied that I wanted to know all about her and her private life - that has changed as i realised I probably know her deeper and more inbtimately than I could as a friend, without needing to know anything else. She has given so much to me - her love, her commitment and her care - I don't need to know the facts of her life because i know I am wanted and special whoever else may be in her life - it has taken many years for me to get to that place - to know I am loved and she has space for me - that others in her life don't wipe me out. Infact, she practices from home, and I do actually know alot about her just from going there so often - it's like a second home to me!

Thanks, this perspective was really helpful for me to see that I don't need to know personal details about my therapist to still be able to genuinely connect with her person to person. I should make sure to remember this. If you don't mind me asking, what did you mean when you said "She hasn't been afraid to show me herself and has lain herself vulnerable for me. I love her for that?" Just curious!

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by purplemystery

Thanks, this perspective was really helpful for me to see that I don't need to know personal details about my therapist to still be able to genuinely connect with her person to person. I should make sure to remember this. If you don't mind me asking, what did you mean when you said "She hasn't been afraid to show me herself and has lain herself vulnerable for me. I love her for that?" Just curious!

I want to clarify that I did not write what you attributed to me above!
Moonlitsky did. I quoted her in my post but the way I posted was a little confusing.

I am curious too, Moonlitsky.

[moonlitsky]

Michelle

Sounds to me like Moonlitsky does not believe one can truly be in love with their therapist.

To the contrary - I absolutely believe we can be in love with our therapists! For me, a therapy like the one I describe is all about love!! I'm sorry if something I said led you to believe I was saying that.

If you were my client I would have added in more sessions - because the pain of one session was clearly too much for you - rather than leave I would have suggested what you really need is more. I listen very carefully to what the client is saying and wouldn't have allowed the distress to continue that way - i am sorry that happened to you.

In haste

Moon

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I want to clarify that I did not write what you attributed to me above!
Moonlitsky did. I quoted her in my post but the way I posted was a little confusing.

I am curious too, Moonlitsky.

Oops, sorry about that, rainbow8!

[ntherese4990]

I have trouble giving up my exboyfriend. This is because I deal with Codependency issues. Sounds like your relationship with your T might have developed into this similar issue. Might want to look into this - Codependency. You can fight it and stand tall!

[rubymoon]

im crying as i read these posts at 72 years old and years of therapy,you would think i would know better than to fall in love with my therapist,,she is the best!!!!! thanks

[JeffLawrence]

My wife and I have had a rocky marriage since before we were married 30 years ago. When things are particularly stressful between us, I desire the company of my T even more. That's a no-brainer: I feel unheard, unwanted, rejected by my wife, so my T, who always listens intently, always asks pertinent non-self-serving questions, always makes important observations, always accepting of who I am, is my "go-to" in my mind when I need to escape my "poor me" self pity. And the more understanding my T is, the more I want to leave my wife and be with my T. Not that she would marry me. Once when I was feeling particularly desperate, I asked her if she would marry me if I left my wife; I was testing the water, hoping for a "maybe". She responded with a swift no. OUCH! My mind has an amazing capacity to sooth the pain by inventing scenarios. "She is saying that because it would be unethical in our client/therapist relationship for her to say anything except 'no'. If we had met under different circumstances she might have said yes."

And so it goes.

What beautiful and profound writings, and oh so close to my heart. Therapy is a strange and unique relationship isn't it. I resonate with much of what has been written. All I can say is that after 7 years of weekly therapy at last I am starting to feel as though I don't need her as much. I find now that a big part of the day can pass and I haven't thought about her, and I am no longer counting down the days to each session. She has always told me that the time will come that I don't need her as much and of course I have never believed her. I truly believe I am starting to reach that point.

[JeffPowers]

I haven't been to this site in almost a year and a half.

My T terminated with me two years ago next month, after seven years of therapy. Even though I have been seeing a male T who is very helpful, I miss my lovely ex-therapist as much today as I ever have. I look at a picture of her and my heart aches.. I have written a book on the subject of falling in love with my therapist. I will be offering it as a $1. download. I wonder if any of you have hopes of continuing in some kind of relationship with your ex-therapist, as I do.