[shame]

ok here is the deal ... i teach children at church .. had a program lined up for them ... but being so much lack of communication .. when it came time for another practice with the kids and dance team .. a fourth of them showed up .. no one wanted to practice .. we did practice with what we had but they were all just not wanting to be there .. the dance team practiced my partners song - so i asked the kids - since we are doing all sign songs .. do you want to do this? i asked each one of them ... they all said no. so i said ok then ... its time for me to leave and you can all go back home. and i left.
my pastor .. who is my biggest trigger emotionally .. was there when i came in to practice .. instantly my anxiety level skyrocked .. i tried to get away from her and go over what we were going to practice before the kids came ..
have been practicing sign for weeks trying to get this all together - have a narrator read between songs etc..
the pastor looked in on me before she left with another person to see if i had everything i needed .. i said yes.
she left and seriously - i could not even remember the words to the simplest songs like silent night - drummer boy - anything .. and remember the signs .. my mind was gone .. completely dissociated i think .. i was not myself at all .
i called her up when i got home and said i wouldnt be back - there is no time to practice again before the sceduled candlelight service (where the kids would have a program) .. and - i wasnt going to force my will on little children or teens who do not want this... God doesnt force ppl at all and i am not about to force a child or teen to do anything they dont want. i respect the kids feelings.
So basically there is nothing going to happen that night save a song dance my partner taught them.
My pastor told me i wasnt a good teacher if i couldnt MAKE them practice..
i said well i guess i am not a good teacher then ... i wont be back.
Now my pastor is angry - very angry - she had my partner call me up to talk to me .. and she was listening in.. she doesnt know i know that but i have seen her do that before to other people when she doesnt want to talk. . so i said i was not going to force them to do anything. .. etc.
She (my pastor) wanted to change everything i had planned with what they did last year .. well .. i wasnt there last year or even 10 years ago when i used to teach there..
i wanted everything mew and powerful - exciting - etc ..
so now she can do what she wanted in the first place .. go back to the old stuff and do whatever she wants with the kids.. not my problem anymore.
I enjoyed not being there this morning with my family
It is where i should be anyway.
Hope their childrens program turns out good

There is so much to this story but cant write it all out .. would take up so much time and space.

[nowheretorun]

it sounds like you did something good for your health and im glad to hear you put family first... so, imo, no, you were not wrong...

i understand the more to the story aspect...

[(JD)]

I don't like to think in frame of "right and wrong" when it comes to issues demanding good self care. You tried. You did teach the children something that they didn't have before. That's all good, imo!

It isn't anyone's fault that the lady triggers you, you know? I'm sorry she does seem a bit controlling, and anyone with mental health issues would be affected, imo... and many ppl who don't! Change is another thing that can be a big issue.

You need to take care of yourself first. You did what you felt you had to for self preservation. ((((hugs))) Once you are "away" from the scenario for a bit, look at it again and make sure this is what you want (to not work with the children)... if you do want to work with the children in the future, then imo you need to have a sit down chat (or a long series of emails) with the person in charge. You need to explain what throws you for a loop (without giving out personal info) and what you need from her in the way of support so you can do your job. Telling her that you become anxious when she checks on you is something you do need to share.

The world will go on. (((((hugs))))

[shame]

just wondering what imo stands for lol .. i am not familiar with that one ..

She .. triggers me into dissociation - just something about her .. haven't figured it out yet .. yes she is extremely controlling and wants to do every ones job for them so to speak.
It is just every time i see her ..i dissociate completely and i get very confused on everything i am doing.. as if i am a tiny child facing giants..adults..etc... it is so weird and hard to explain.

i felt that leaving it was the best thing to do on the day of practice because .. childrens attention can only go so far and they get overwhelmed easy .. i did manage to get a few songs in with the few that showed up ..taught 2 boys how to play drummer boy on the snare drum - turned out good..
so it want like we did nothing... it was when it came to practice more songs they were just give out.. so i asked them .. do you really want to do this .. cuz i dont believe in MAKING anyone do anything against their will .. God does not press His Will on us ..why should i press my will for them to want to learn and sing etc. Children remember how they were treated at church as children and as adults never want to go back. . i believe in letting them choose whether they want to participate or not. Just my way of thinking. Now if they really want to do a thing and show interest - i want to support that and help as much as possible. There is nothing like going to a childrens play or pageant whatever and their little faces are so sad and angry . i wont ever do that to a child.. it makes them self concious - embarrased .. all kinds of humiliating feelings.

I love to work with kids - it is something i do well at and helps me so much during the week - and then they absorb it on the weekends. (It - meaning work)
I am happy and filled with creativity and much joy working with them together. i have always worked with kids .

She (Pastor) last week - when i came in the foyer of the church to go back to the sunday school wing - yelled at me because i was in jeans with a holiday sweater ... i dont go to service so i didnt think it would be a problem especially it being in the 20s outdoors .. so when i walked in many people who were there watched as she told me i could not be a Leader dressed like that.. i blew her off and went back to the class - she came in and i couldnt speak to her at all - she yelled and yelled .. and then asked me - do you want me to leave the room - i waved good bye to her.

Controlling ppl to me are just .. evil.

[nowheretorun]

i am appalled at that type of behaviour.. ive had a few unfortunate collisions with people similar...

one of the hardest things for me to accept at times is how everyone is my teacher.. but, i do like looking at my problems from this angle..

it takes some of the fear away and replaces it with an earnest desire to learn, not only about and from that person, but about myself and my own reactions to this person...

you sound like a wonderful friend to children and have years of service as such...

ive noticed that when i have a problem with a person to that degree of intensity, it is not always just myself that feels the affront... a person of that energy will affect others in the same way...

kind of a "bad seed" scenario, but, again, due to my faith and my personal beleifs, i would not want to explain it that simply... if we all have beauty and value, and that is my bekief, then this person cannot possibly be a bad seed...

which leads me to my final discovery.. that it is myself who has an opportunity to learn and grow..

a new challenge has presented itself and in some faiths, this would be considered a blessing...

Peace to you...

[(JD)]

I guess as for the dress code you will have to defer to the guidelines of the church. Some are very strict, regardless of the weather.

I support you in asking the children what they would like to do, since you can't make them sing. Free will IS something God gave us, and many ppl are unable to fathom that concept. He never requires anyone to serve Him or love Him until we commit ourselves TO Him, it is our choice. God is omnipotent but He has given us free will. He is omniscent, and even though He knows how we will chooose, He still gives us a choice. I'm glad you are following Him in that respect. (Maybe you are seeing a bigger picture than the others.)

TC

[altonwoodsdrphil]

Do you feel as if the poor communication was the real reason people did'nt show up? teenagers can be rather fickle and capricious...so who knows? I also wonder why or rather how we in the church expect others to be drawn to Christ by the way we sometimes conduct ourselves. We've got to be able to lay our differences aside and work together, we're all about love remember? not our agendas and personalitys...I urge you to go to your pastor and get this situation "under the blood" before it gets a chance to do even more damage than it has already done.

[shame]

Thanks to all your replies and thoughts.
I called her back on Monday - Tuesday and then today ..
on Monday I offered to go on with the show - so to speak -
and told her my availability this week for a rehearsal ..
Just so they are not without a program for the service..
No returned call.
Tuesday - I called again and left a message for her to call me . No returned call
Today - she was there - but couldnt talk to me because she was on the phone.. asked me to call back later..
So ... Later .. I will call her back ..
Going to offer once again to complete the program..
Thats all I can do.
After the program - i will step down from the position and go on with my life.
I dearly love the kids there .. but with my BP - just cant handle the triggers

[Perna]

I would not call her back; you have called her 2-3 times and the ball is in her court. She may be setting you up to not have enough time to produce a good show/have a good enough rehearsal. If the kids were not keen on rehearsing the show, sounds like they aren't going to be too hurt at there not being one, like adults are deciding things for them. If the kids had been really into it I'm sure you would have been too and then you all's energy would have blown this lady with her controlling self away.

[shame]

Agree!
I did call her back as she asked and did not pick up - so i left a message on her machine saying - i take it you do not want to speak to me .. thats is ok .
I have peace with all of this regardless.

Will not return there.

Kinda makes me feel like Charlie Browns Christmas play - him as director lolol .. oh well like i said i have peace..and that is a bonus for me.

I respect the childrens wishes ~ and will be a voice for them ~ being that adults have a tendency to not hear their voice as they try the best they can to speak their mind and no one seems to hear.

It is funny because everyone i try to call to talk to that are involved with the children - are also ignoring me.
who knows what she told them.. i will never know i guess.
i think i am ex-communicated ROFL ..seriously!
I am not Catholic nor is the church but i can relate now to people who have been excommunicated.

[Rapunzel]

Their actions toward you do sound rather like shunning. It is unfortunate that this group has their priorities so mixed up. They seem to have wanted you to get the children to conform with producing an expected program, and that they were blinded by that goal, failing to see individuality, choice, and the need for it to be meaningful to the participants. I wish that they had been able to see what really counts (the children feeling the message and feeling valued), and could have found a way to make the program something that the children would want to be a part of. If nobody is feeling it, the spirit can't be there.

I hope that you find another church that does value the children, and you, as individuals, and can see past the desire to keep up appearances. It doesn't have to be like what this has been like for you.

[shame]

Thanks for your reply - i totally agree with you about this.
I tried..
Will keep my peace and go on..as the song by Celine My Heart Will Go on"
Just too much flakiness in that church brought down by the "Leader"....
Think i will just stay close to my family and not wander off to any other churches right away .
The only reason i went back there is because she personally asked me to - after 10 yrs.
Nothing ever seems to change there but i have grown more assertive and will NOT be pushed forced - set up like that again - lesson learned.
The reason i accepted was to help her daughter with the kids .. that was the agreement... the first day i came back - her daughter left her to live with her sister. Now i now this was a set up and was brought back decietfully.. by deception.
I went in with boundries - leaving with peace because of it .

[sassypants]

I agree that you did everything possible to work with the
kids. That pastor sounds like whatever you say or do,
she will not like it.

I think it is a miracle and a blessing that you left. You need
to be happy with what you are doing.

Take care,
Sassy