I Finally Understand Why My SZ Boyfriend Is Distant!?

For anyone with a boyfriend or husband with SZ this may be helpful to you if you havn`t already experienced this. So for a year and a half I`ve been frustrated with my bf because he has been what I perceived to be distant, I`ve been venting on here and tearing my proverbial hair out trying to figure out what happened and why did he change. Well its been a series of things that I believe went into his "changing." You know how a person with SZ can be very very sensitive to all kinds of stimulus going on around them? Well, his stimulus includes moving far away to be closer to family, getting a job where he has increasing responsibility, a sometimes volatile boss, seeing me become more social with other people, going to school, weening off of and completing his meds as his doc prescribed, becoming more social himself, which are all good healthy things but as a result we bearly get time to talk on the phone or video chat, my own health has been in the tank since I came home from college in NYC so I had been in a terrible mood for a few years so the stuff going on in his life and mine is surely taking a toll. And a few weeks ago we got to talk and I told him I wanted to slowly rebuild our relationship and a bunch of other stuff i was careful to use the words we and us and I rather than you, so he wouldn`t feel attacked. and he actually apoligized for not being there when I needed him and he agreed to work on our relationship, he also admitted he was stressed out from work and was so tired when he gets home and its hard to do much else but rest, he`s never said that b4 either. I honestly was surprized I thought he would get defensive and act like nothing was wrong with how things were going. Which he has always done in the past. But he acknowledged how I felt and it was new and refreshing I thought things would slowly get back on track. But communication dropped off again after being good for so long I got anxiety again and started researching some stress management tools to help my boyfriend and me. I came across www.helpguide.org & I found some additional resources for people with SZ loved ones. The ideas I found in the article explained in simple terms how the stress from all the stimulus and responsibilities can take a toll on the person with Sz. I felt i like I read this too late and he may alreay feel stressed about what I said I've already begun to Work on my own issues that Contribute to the state of the relationship. but sometimes you have to keep the hopes for progress to yourself if it's very complex it's best to only work on oneself and do what you can do and not trouble your partner with extra things. That's what I've learned and also that just the little things we think are no big deal like asking for what we want in the relationship can actually BE detrimental to the relationship. Who knew that wanting to improve a situation can actually be counter productive? Damn, back to the drawing board. So my point is to partners of people with SZ please be patient and just make the relationship improvements on your own self regardless of what your partner is doing, be the best you can be for yourself. And try to limit the stimulus coming from you because you don't want to upset the delicate balance on things. Also, find more time consuming hobbies, increase your social and work on making your own self happy and healthy. Don't take anything your partner says or does as personal and against you. They can't help it, they don't mean to be distant and they still love you. Sometimes its so easy to forget these things but it's important to remember so you can maintain your own emotional health and sanity. I'm having to do these things myself and I have to remind myself to be thankful and appreciate that my bf is still a descent, kind man but probably can't be there for me emotionally like perhaps a non-SZ partner could be. I hope this may help others partners realize somethings. But this is just my experience and everyone is different and has different things going on. Anyway, peace!

I am in a long distance relationship with someone suffering from SZ and I have had to learn more or less the same lessons.
Intellectually it is entirely possible to figure out why she would often withdraw and isolate herself and even be completely unreachable. But emotionally living with that is a lot harder and getting to that point is a tough learning process. I am still working on it.

It is so important to understand that, which in other kinds of relationships could easily be seen as rejection, in situations like this is something entirely different. The difficult part is to overcome the conditioning of a lifetime and to get used to many of the stranger phenomena and patterns of behaviour associated with SZ.

It is very important to try and reduce stress factors as much as possible. That can be tantamount to walking on eggshells. Its a matter of learning what the major stress factors and triggers are and to try and avoid them or even preventively mitigate them.

Thank you for sharing sarek! Very wise words, and I am always at the point of struggling with myself: should I stay or go? I know that if I personally have the knowledge and tools to cope, things would surely be better for me. My own head and logics and needs is what is tripping me up. I`m a very goal oriented person and I like results but in this relationship I`m finding that I have to reinvent the wheel and scale back as far as my expectations. My bf is very high functioning so I tend to forget that when we add my needs onto expectations that everone else has also placed on him, he may get overwhelmed with everything he has to do. He is a kind, sweet, gentle, soft spoken, smart, descent man and I love that about him and I respect that but I`m kind of a diva with a bunch of issues that I`m trying to deal with myself. So I`m having to learn humility, being humble, quieter, slower and toning down everything. I don`t like having to change and I don`t know if I`ll totally go insane in the process, I pray not. But I`ve been depressed and anxious quite a bit but the new resources I mentioned above are giving me a little hope. i just wish I could get the communication that I want. Now he doesn`t even talk about coming back he use to mention it quiet aften I don`t know if that is something to worry about or what. I don`t know why I put myself through all this. I know I have a choice but I feel like if this or that is different then I would be happy and the relationship would be ok. I`ve taken care of this needs so long I wish just once he would be able to reciprocate but I`m sure he`s not mentally or emotionally able to the extent that I would like him to.

I think its not a matter of how much he can give but rather in what way he can give it. There is a lot that people with SZ have difficulty with, but there are so many compensating factors which you'll have to find and appreciate.
My own gf definitely has her issues, some of them ranging far beyond SZ itself, but on the other hand she has a heart of the purest gold, the kind of which I have never before seen. And she has (no pun) a truly beautiful mind that is able to intuitively understand things I have taken years to figure out intellectually. And her artistic abilities are incredible, just like her almost limitless capacity for empathy.

SZ is not just a curse or just an illness. Its also the downside of having a wonderful extraordinary mind. I wish the world would understand and appreciate these people better. That would benefit all of us.

I agree that communication is key in any relationship. It's really hard. Must be the hardest thing about being human. (Or maybe I'm just in a bad mood, because my two sisters are not communicating with either other. They're both complaining to me about each other. Sorry, I didn't mean to digress.)

When I'm talking to my son, I have to go more than halfway to meet him. I think it's because 1) he'd rather stuff his feelings down than express them, which is never good, and 2) he seems to think I can read his mind, that I know what he's thinking without his telling me. Neither of those is unique to people with sz. Many of us regularly do both of those. (Witness my sisters.)

Sakura, you mentioned that your health is poor and you're feeling anxious and depressed. I hope you're taking care of yourself.

A agree with both of you but there are so many questions and choices I struggle with regarding the relationship that are unique to females considering marrying a male with SZ. He and I both have discussed marriage alot. We talked about various aspects his role my role and my role. He want to and has agreed to support me if we got married but right now it seems he may be unable to sustain a job without getting obsessed with it. I appreciate him for everything he is but just because he is a great guy with sz aside, it doesn't mean he is able to sustain the role of a husband in the way that he and I agree upon. What I want from him is just basic that any female would want from a boyfriend and a female would want in a potential husband. It's seeming like it's not a practical choice to stay with him. I still wish I could find a female perspective of marriage to a guy with SZ.

I've talked to people with SZ, parents of people with sz, males with sz gfs but no women with sz bfs or hubands that have anything positive to say or tips on how they cope. I've always read things that the women are suffering and overwhelmed and that has scared the crap out of me. But I'm still looking for some kind of hope for my situation before I give up for good. It's been a tough road to find hope for myself at least. My bf seems to be coping the best he can and he really doesn't have to cope with not knowing if I will be reliable for him because I am and have gone above and beyond the call of duty for him all this time. It's so changing to have a special needs partner like this.

btw, is it just me or
does this word
shake anyone up a bit?

also, sakuraLi, i am not pointing you out
its just something i'm wondering
from everyone

something i've always wondered.

I didn't mean to sound offensive when I wrote special needs. I only meant he has certain needs that are unique.

For example, for a very long time he use to be affraid of me being social in general and specifically he didn't want me having male friends and going where males at such as the gym.

In reality I'm a shy, quiet kind of person who wanted to begin building great friendships with people and wanted to exercise to become healthier. Besides guys don't really pay attention to me anyway so I didn't see the big deal with anything. Even if they did, I have a boyfriend so it wouldn't matter if any guys paid attention to me.

My point is that my bf's need for me not to be social was unique since most people's partners WANT them to be social. Of course I continued to be social as I wanted but I didn't end up going to the gym only because of some health issues that I was having.

At that time he was having a paranoid episode and I guess he needed me to be a certain way that would help him cope which was not to do something that would help stir up his paranoia. This is just my theory.

But of course doing the opposite was the most healthy thing for me. Now, I realized I'm going on a tangent. sorry.

I suspect this way of thinking isn't that uncommon.

Isn't that funny. I wouldn't. I'm not in a relationship and haven't been for many, many years. But if I were I think I'd kind of like more of a quiet, unassuming, homebody. Maybe someone a little shyer. Maybe that's why I'm not in a relationship! My special someone is sitting at home somewhere.

There's a character in Anne of Green Gables I've always thought would be a perfect husband. Matthew Cuthbert. Some descriptions from the internet:

• Matthew Cuthbert - Marilla's brother, a shy, awkward man who takes a liking to Anne from the start. The two become fast friends. He is far less talkative than Anne, but is a very good listener.
• Matthew is Marilla’s bachelor brother and Anne’s adoptive father. Shy and gentle, Matthew likes to avoid confrontation. But he’s pretty good at giving advice in a kind way that’s easy to take.
• There is something very moving about Richard Farnsworth’s portrayal of Matthew – the shy brother of Marilla's. He did not want for very much and was content living a simple life. Both Anne and Marilla knew that although Matthew didn’t speak very often, when he chose to voice his opinion it was important that they listen. Whatever he had to say was enlightening.

That's my dream man! Not for me the social butterfly.

And with that I've taken this thread completely off topic!

@SakuraLi

No no,
its not your fault

i always have had
at set list of life questions
in my head
all my life
and that was one that
was always a burning one

Ok, I totally understand now. Some words can sting or have a certain affect that people don't even realize.

Thanks for sharing Costello! It's quite alright, maybe talking about movies and literature would be nice for a change. I can't worry about my bf all the time, I have to try to enjoy life somewhat. if I don't I tend to get anxiety when I start thinking about the negative stuff.

Also, the character Matthew sounds very similar to my bf, but you wouldn't have known that. lol It's nice that you would like a low key kind of guy like that.

Now I'm thinking that I should just be greatful that my bf is a good guy, maybe absent at times but a very god guy. maybe if being absent is the only worry then things aren't so bad after all.

I guess I get so upset because I always had an idea of what my future husband was going to be like, I couldn't imagine that he'd have SZ. I was thinking I'd like a powerful, corporate type guy. But I also can't imagine my life any other way but WITH my bf.

But also as a recovering shy/quiet person I wanted to make up for lost time and make friends and have a great social life. know what I mean? now that I've made the friends I want to keep them and some times it worried me that my bf didn't want me to be social.

But at least that is in the past now and he doesn't mind me being social. Or he's just not paranoid and delusional about what my socialness may mean for him. He was worried that I'd forget about him, which is impossible.

Now I'm going off on a tangent again, sorry. I think the best thing I can do is just work on my own inner conflict issues and try to be more mindful of everything.

Anyway, thanks for listening. I hope you and your son are doing well.

I'm glad you took it that way. It's how I intended it, but after I posted I was afraid you'd be offended - that I was making light when you're suffering. Sometimes it helps to take our eyes off our pain for a bit and focus on something more pleasant. Then we can relax and maybe new options or insights can appear.

If your guy is like Matthew, he sounds like a keeper.

I was thinking about you last night while I was driving home from work. I remembered something the mother of an autistic son told me. She compared finding out your child is autistic to planning a vacation trip to Rome then finding yourself in Bali instead. You went to the travel agent and got the brochures and planned your itinerary and packed your bags based on the Rome trip. But you step off the plane somewhere entirely different. You can rage against your fate or you can enjoy your stay in Bali.

I realize picking a husband is different than having a child. You don't get much choice in the latter. You have to take what you get. But it sounds like you're really into this guy. So you may have to give up on Rome and find a way to enjoy Bali.

Your right! Yes I really love my bf and in all honestly I fear the judgemental words and BS that my mom (and dad) would give me about it if they knew he has SZ! They would never support the idea of me marrying him! I can handle the criticism or judegment of anyone but if my parents think less of me for my choice of husbands and if they harped on it and rubbed it in (which I'm sure they'd do behind my back) I wouldn't know how to handle that. You know what I mean?

Their approval is not what I want and it doesn't matter to me but their judgement and funky rude opinions sting like battery acid.

Oh, dear. Your mom sounds like a terrible problem. She's obviously in a great deal of pain, but knowing that may not help you much right now. She's hurting you.

So, what you're really saying is when you see your bf and your relationship through your mom's eyes, you feel bad. Viewing yourself as you imagine a critical, judgmental person might view you is really, really painful. Especially if the criticial, judgmental person is someone as important as your mom. And since you were raised by this critical person, you've probably internalized it as part of your self-concept. It doesn't help if your self-esteem is low.

Your mom is unlikely to change, but you can work on yourself and how you react to her. You may find she changes when you do. That, however, is the work of a lifetime. It doesn't help with your immediate problem. You probably need to set boundaries with her and not continue to engage with her when she's abusing you. Just doing that will raise your self-confidence and possibly make her think a bit before she opens her mouth to dog on you. A therapist can help with setting boundaries. Or there are probably good self-help books.

Just as simple a thing as imagining the kinds of conversations you might get into and preparing a simple one or two sentence response that firmly expresses your desire not to discuss the topic and ends the conversation is great. You can memorize your line and practice it until you can deliver it calmly. Then use it when the topic comes up. It's perfect for phone conversations, because you can just hang up afterward.

Right after my son moved out of the house - when he was 18 or so - he would call me and have the most abusive conversations with me. I just felt mentally battered afterward. My therapist at the time kept urging me to cut the conversation off when it became abusive. She gave me a line to use - something about I'll talk to you when you're calmer. I couldn't do it, because I was afraid my son would never talk to me again. Which is silly in retrospect. Anyway one day he was harranging me on the phone and I used the line. Just as I was about to hang up he said, "No, wait! Don't hang up! I'll stop yelling at you." And we went on to have a nice polite conversation. Beautiful!

On another issue: I was thinking about your comment about not being able to find positive stories from women in relationships with men diagnosed with sz. I assume you're looking on forums like this one. Keep in mind that the people who come to forums like this tend to be in some kind of pain and are looking for support. It could be you're not finding those positive stories because those women aren't visiting forums like this one. Don't lose hope.

Great advice again I appreciate you taking time to think about my issues and provide some thoughtful insights! I like the idea or having a set line to tell my mom. I didn`t mean to give the impression that my mom was abusive or mean. She is not. she just has a very selfish way of looking at relationships within the family and she often feels hurt that she doesn`t get the love and attention she wants which is understandable. She doesn`t have a good relationship with my dad they are at constant odds. she think her children should fill that role to pay attention to her and give her the love she is looking for but that is not our role or our job and she wants it to be. so she is mad alot when that doesn`t happen. my dad is a lousy partner to her and a lame father. I truely believed she settled with him and maybe he was the only guy interested in her. they got married at 19 and 20 years old and I think she was pregnant with my brother before they got married because she won`t tell me when her and my dad got married. But that is off the subject anyway but I want to work on ridding myself of the baggage that I have from childhood because I know it has had a diar effect on how I am todayI`d LOVE TO GET THEREPY BUT MY MOM PAYS MY HEALTH INSURANCE AND SHE DON`t BELIEVE IN IT Opps sorry about the caps I`m using my mobile phhone to type this. And about not being able to find other women with advice on here who have sz husbands you are right and I agree! ive found one blog with a woman with a bipolar husband and that was helpful to read because she was educating herself, going to therepy herself to get her own issues cleared up and empowering herself and it was really great because she had some advice that I could apply with my bf

I guess I don't use the word "abusive" in the sense of being deliberately mean. I tend to believe people are basically good. If they hurt or abuse other people, it's because they're in pain themselves. They're trying to get some relief from their suffering. They may or may not be aware that they're inflicting pain on other people. They may or may not care. And if you tell them they're hurting you, they may or may not stop. They may or may not believe you. They may or may not be able to stop - even if they want to. By that definition, your mom is abusive.

I don't think my son was setting out to be abusive to me, for example. He wasn't thinking, "Wow, I'll hurt her with this!" He was angry or in pain himself, and he tried to get some relief by yelling and accusing.

Your mom reminds me a bit of one of my mom's friends. My mom is 81 and basically all the people she knew when she was young have died or become so disabled they're mostly homebound. So she's tried to find new friends to do things with. One is a lady named Theresa. Theresa is a depressive, so it's hard to be around her. She complains all the time. She makes racist comments which make my mom uncomfortable. But the worst is she's constantly correcting, disagreeing, and arguing over every little thing. I feel so sorry for her. She's a widow (doesn't miss her husband, though, because he cheated on her) with two surviving sons (one died at age 25).

Her sons will have nothing to do with her. She complains about them all the time. They can do nothing right in her eyes. The only one she actually seems to like is the dead one. They both live in the same city with her, but neither invited her to their houses for Christmas last year. One moved to a different house without telling her. She only found out because she happened to drive by his old house and saw a real estate agent's sign in the yard. She thinks he may also be divorced, but she's not sure.

I feel so sorry for the woman. She's driven everyone away. Even my mother can barely stand to be around her. She just needs someone to do things with, so she tolerates her.

I'm sorry your mother is going through that. Can she find additional friends? She shouldnt have to put up with being with someone toxic. I have an annoying friend myself who is 6 years younger than me and she is so immature and selfish but she is the only person who wants to do the same stuff that I like doing.

There is literally no one I know who likes going to cultural events and my other few friends are busy with other obligations and other friends. I find that the small town I'm from people are not accepting at all of quiet people. But when I went to college in NYC people were welcoming and included me and made me feel welcome. Something I've never experienced in my small town in my entire life prior to college.

But anyway back to your mom. has she looked into meetup.com its an old established site that allows people to search for groups to meet with who have similar interests and they have evey interest under the sun including age group. they even have group near my small town.