Weirdness and it's not all me ...

OK I think I put the correct icon on this for triggers? Not sure, but depending where this conversation goes yeah it could trigger at some point. I haven't been on this board in awhile, I think I was on here in 2004 or something.

ANYWAY I was in the chat room once on this place and someone in there was talking to me and all I remember is that she (?) was telling me she sensed this "darkness" about me. I think she meant spiritually and I think she meant beyond what I was already aware of but I'm not sure. For some reason I feel compelled to post this here in case whoever she was sees it. I don't remember her name.

I was doing some internet surfing and I came across something that deeply disturbed me. What disturbed me was that it was a bunch of conspiracy-theory CRAP, I mean TOTAL HOOEY -- you can tell just by reading it that these people are insane and making half this ***** up. But at the same time, there were things in those documents that were totally accurate concerning things I've experienced in myself, describing exactly how my mind has worked in various situations and exactly how certain programs embedded in my mind have worked and they even called it programs too. It talked about deliberately creating a fragmented consciousness with alters & stuff and layering in demonic entities and programs so that the system would be unbreakable and a total complete mind-controlled slave would be created. It talked about suicide & sabotage programming which was exactly what I have encountered in my own attempts to get help and it described exactly how different programs are created with reference to God, Satan, etc. in the person. With this programming they can make sex slaves, assassins, spiritual Manchurian candidates & "trojans", everything ...

And the thing is ... it totally and perfectly described in those respects things I have been experiencing. But the rest of it was such total absolute bullsh*t that no one in their right mind would believe the thing. *I* don't even believe it, and it's questionable whether I'm in my right mind or not, LOL. So what am I supposed to do with this crazy stuff? On the one hand it explains things I've been experiencing in a way like nothing else, there is real understanding there that could help me get free of my programming. But on the other hand it is so ridiculous with the other stuff it says that I don't want to bring it up to someone or anything because I don't want them to start believing all the crazy stupid stuff in there that isn't real or else thinking I believe it or something. And I don't want to go to the people who wrote it or believe in it for help either because they would try to make me buy into their whole ball of wax and it's just too absolutely absurd -- I mean you can seriously tell while reading it when they are going "out there" into the twilight zone.

What would you do about something like this if it were you?

Like I said it's a bunch of "out there" conspiracy theory crap, totally implausible, and yet ... and yet ... somehow these weirdoes believing this crap have managed to uncover key, core, central aspects to the programming in my mind that Satan put there. So what do I do with all this????

Malady - I can relate to a LOT of what you talk about here...

R U 1 2?

no, but there are two people in my life who are obsessed with conspiracy theories, and while 99% of the time, I can write it off, there is always a small part of me that wonders whether I really am being naive.

Thing is, I don't buy the conspiracy theory hoo-hah in these documents. When the writers start going off about that crap I just roll my eyes and go "yeah, yeah, whatever" ... but when they are breaking down the programming itself they get it right -- and I've never read anything by anyone else or heard anything by anyone else that describes it so well. It's eerie, like they know or were there watching what Satan did with me.

... I mean seriously how could they know? And I'm not talking about vague stuff that anyone could interpret any way they want. I'm talking about direct personal stuff describing things that would only mean something to ME because it has to do with how MY mind works and what's programmed into ME.

<font face="courier new" size="1">test 01</font>

welcome back, malady.
Sometimes there are shreds of truth in various places. Depending on what I'm trying to get out of something, I often need more than shreds of truth. I need someone to lace the whole thing together so its all the way TRUTH. Sounds like you have been doing allot of soul searching, so I wish that the TRUTH would come to you plainly and fully.

Hi Malady... yes, it was me way back then, that sensed the darkness "in" you. I had to put you on ignore this past year because there was no way for me to "reach" you through this venue.

I would entertain discussing this further with you in chat, again

Remember, part of every conspiracy is truth... just enough believeability to make you wonder and eventually even "subscribe" to the conspiracy. I didn't think you were old enough to be involved in the one you fear, though.

Technically I am old enough, Sky, as the ops in question started in the early 60s and have presumably been going on since then. The thing is, I don't believe I was any part of those ops themselves. I just somehow wound up with a lot of the same programming. Maybe Satan was experimenting with some of the tech at random or something, or maybe it was just totally accidental and coincidental that certain "parallel" things happened to me that induced the same types of programs. I don't know.

At any rate I'm becoming extremely annoyed with myself for the level of obsession I'm experiencing with this material. This morning I had it fixed in my mind: that's it, I'm not going to keep obsessing over this. It doesn't mean anything, and I need to "forget the things which are behind" etc. that is, put the past behind me and move forward. Yet despite that resolve I STILL spent most of the day (in between assignments at work) slithering around the internet looking up more of this material.

It's disgusting, downright disgusting. It's "spiritual pornography" is what it is, if you know what I mean. And it just ticks me off all the stuff these people make up about the Illuminati and whatnot. They call anything they want to an "Illuminati" thing. They make up all this junk about rich people and call THAT the "Illuminati". It's bogus. I've been involved in REAL occult groups/organizations before. It just doesn't work that way and these conspiracy types show how totally ignorant they are when they start hodgpodging stuff together all willy-nilly and lumping it under "satanism" so glibly. The only thing that is SATANISM is SATANISM. Wicca is NOT Satanism, for example. Neither are the Druidic or Hermetic traditions. Neither is ceremonial magick. Granted, because of their beliefs in God people often think these things COME FROM Satan, but that is a totally different matter than having them be Satan-ISM.

OK I'm rambling and ranting, enough is enough. I'm just irked with myself for wasting yet another day on this tail-chasing nonsense.

No weirdness is not all you or me and is not as simple as lables like occult, wicca, religiouse, mentally ill, programing and such either. Prbly said too much.
Glad you are back.

Hey happy b-day MLYN!

well, i think mental "illness" manifests itself in many different forms. Hallucinations, Delusions, Conspiracy theories.... these are all self reported symptoms.
If calling certain one "hooey" and others "valid"... if that makes you feel better about your own situation, well you are free to make that assumption.
you can always speculate that people are making things up, but we never really know, do we.

Personally, i think that Conspiracy Theories should have a forum perhaps on an entirely different site. I dont even view it as illness, but as skeptical observations based on facts...
there are facts behind the claims, that is why they are classified as theories and not delusions.
but for now, i post about them here because it is another observation that highly intelligent and skeptical people who devise theories tend to label themselves crazy, get labeled crazy by others, orsimply question their own sanity as a result of uncovering such truths that seem to conflict drastically with the fassad implemented by society, to cover up these truths...

but i guess im just saying that we all have plenty going on in our minds and we come to this Wastebasket forum of psychoses to post these ideas, hopefully to get some feedback from others.

P.S. by wastebasket i am referring to the category.... of psychosis, schizophrenia, delusions
-dont think i mean your posts are garbage, thats NOT what the term refers to.

Hi insideout,

The thing is ... nowhere else is there any viable dissection of things I have discovered in and about myself and my situation except buried in this one conspiracy theory. And that would be fine -- I'd be fine if it was one of those unprovable things like you know, UFOs or something -- but it's not. The conspiracy gets into all this stuff that you just know cannot be true. It supposedly involves all these very well known, public people and there's no way this stuff could be on the up and up. But it makes me angry because the people writing (and believing) this stuff KNOW certain things about ME and MY situation that NO ONE ELSE KNOWS. I guess I'd just like to have those "nuggets" of valid knowledge available in some other form instead of buried beneath mounds of absolute horse manure where no one will either look or take it seriously. I guess I'm just looking for answers, and these conspiracy ducks seem to have the answers, only they want me to buy a whole other ball of wax along with it, that I just cannot buy. Plus at a certain level I guess I don't trust myself. I have a very vulnerable mind and very loose boundaries between reality and non-reality (duh) and I'm scared I'll get so desperate to get to the bottom of this that I WILL throw all good sense to the wind and buy into a bunch of hooey because the answers are buried like little chunks of gold in the center of all the horsey poo.

*SIGH* I've been obsessing over this since I stumbled on it, Last Friday, and I'm no closer to getting anywhere. I've been googling every term I can think of looking for those who HELP people like me and found NOTHING. I've read conspiracy documents till my eyeballz wanna bleed. It's becoming an obsession. I feel like I can't rest until I can find the "RIGHT" person to discuss this with. Meanwhile everything is triggering the living $^%&$ out of me left and right and I'd be surprised if by the end of the week I haven't gone stark raving mad and alienatd everyone in sight.

Okay, (((malady))) I thought you were younger...no problem. I've read your other thread on government, but will give one thought here for both, ok?

I don't know if it will help, but try using the coping strategies we use with PTSD for when we are triggered. It could be the same, as anything you may have experienced is traumatic, and the brain has responded in much the same way (regardless of what made it do that, you know?)

There are grounding techniques "sticky posted" at the top of that forum that I think will help you, when you are triggered. You are already into this as you do realize you are being triggered. There are methods to work on this, and on gaining and then maintaining control once triggered. It's a process, not instant and automatic, ok?

When I was first injured and being triggered from my trauma, I didn't even know I was flashbacking... others would ask "What was all that about?" and I didn't know what they were talking about. It took years to even figure out when I had been triggered and had reacted. I'm to the point now that I can "know" I'm being triggered, and go into some grounding technique and coping... and can get through most of them more easily. (Storms are still bad for me.)

Try and approach this through the PTSD aspect, is what I'm suggesting. IDK about the bipolar cycling involvement and how that could affect this, too, but I'm sure someone else can give you input on that.

PM me if you wish. You do know I'm Christian, but hopefully you realize that I'm not part of your problem and maybe part of your solution? It's up to you.

Thanks Sky, I will check out the PTSD forum tomorrow. Time to put my mad obsession on a shelf and try to get some sleep ... something rare for me these days ... talk to you again later.

~mal

I'm afraid I don't have any substantial suggestions to offer, but I'm sorry you're suffering and hope you feel better soon.

January

Thanks January! Say I used to live in WestByGod too... whereabouts are you? I was in the Eastern panhandle.

thanks for b-day wish

I'm in Charleston. You're a northern gal!

Hugs,

Jan

interestingly enough, i became confused after writing a very good reply, and i accidently deleted it. it must have contained valuable info i could have used to expose truth. but nevertheless, it is gone now. but i just wanted to stress the fact that we are complex and a simple theory doctrined by someone who shares a tiny fraction of our unique experience, cannot explain ours..... um... see im right now being influenced by a force beyond my grasp... or is it beyond. i think if i continue to try everyday, i can conquer them. i will never let them silence my thoughts.

we need to put our thaughts into words