Trig) Not doing as well as I thought

That's a good question. I have no idea.

You got stripped and searched - No way would I be doing that.

P.E at school was bad enough getting changed and before anyone asks - we weren't allowed to shower after.

then i advise against ending up at the hospital. i believe they all do that. which ones to what degree i dont know. but i know at least a few different ones in my area alone that will strip you completely naked. they have to inspect everything too. even if its just a quick look. yes...i know.

I kicked a nurse once for trying to take off my knickers. They said I was being aggressive and I was like, bastards what the **** would you do if someone started taking off your underwear?!

I can't help but conclude that mental health professionals are in it to get sexual thrills from the people they're supposed to care for.
Why the hell else would there be so much nudity and rape?

theres one hospital i know has always been timid and is good/nice whatever you wanna call it. anyway they stripped me when i was in in march so i f**king flaunted it. like an exhibitionist. which only probably helped further my dx as schizoaffective. they thought i was anorexic but that suspicion was dropped after i ate. im NOT anyway. but they thought so as i weigh 101 lbs.

The psych thought I was anorexic when I went off the clozapine and chlorpromazine he was making me take and I lost like 100lbs in 3 months. And he had a very professional way of checking for anorexia too, he'd grab be around the waist to see if there was any fat there. Also he kept a tit watch on me, every time I saw him he's remark on how much of my cleavage he could see.
****ing bastard, him. Should have his **** cut off.

im not anorexic but people always say that. ive never had weight problems always been skinny EXCEPT when i was on antipsychotics. they still look at me like im crazy. like they cant fathom that they are skinny people in the USA. they think its bad that i got off the meds but yet its ok that i gain diabetes? F that. i have some fat on me cause i eat junk a lot idc because i never had to watch my weight until those antipsychotics.

Yeah that's me too. Like wtf I can't be psychotic but I can have pre-diabetes likely to be diabetes? I can't hate myself for natural reasons, but I can hate myself because the drugs made me so fat?
I dunno, I've always been really thin too. Britain isn't as fat as the US but we're damned close. Pdocs were always porkers.
People think I have that kind of anorexia where you exercise a lot, because I run marathons.

i made the mistake of saying i exercise to them to get them off my back even though i dont exercise.
i said "i exercise thats why"
they said "to lose weight?"
i said "...no...to gain muscle... "

I'm having a bit of a panic attack because I don't think I'm going to meet my offer conditions for either my pupillage (like, get good enough grades to start my practical lawyer training, articling to Americans) or for graduate school at the places I've been accepted. I'm just . . . I don't know. I'm good enough, but I've been dealing with too much **** in my life to also do as well as I need to get these offers. And I don't get any mitigation or anything, because what I'm saying happened is so far outside the standard way people think.

I can't claim illness because I was never ill . . . I was made ill by psychiatrists. But they won't give me proof of anything, either that I was ill or that they made me ill, because I can't see them without getting shot in the arse with some drug. I can't let that happen. Never mind all the trauma I'm dealing with, or all the discrimination from the university I went to. I can't very well go around saying that actually, I did all this while dealing with torture, rape and extreme discrimination to the point where I had to get lawyers involved so I didn't lose my uni place, and maybe that's why I didn't do so well!!

I don't know what to do. I'm ready to end my life just because I'm sick of digging myself out of the hole I've been stuck in.

Bar exams are very stressful. You're under a great deal of stress, and it's coloring the way you see the world. Some of this will ease once you're through with the exams.

But... I have to say (again)... hmmm... Let me put it this way, you have a choice. You can continue to cling to this story of your life that has you derailed from your true destiny by a mental health system intent on making you a sex toy - for reasons that aren't clear to me - and continue to suffer with your anger and your despair. Or you can accept (this is why I was looking for those notes on DBT Radical Acceptance) that life has delivered you a blow, a set back, and maybe derailed you to a different path entirely.

I'm not trying to diminish your pain, but others suffer too. (This is why I suggested tonglen.) I suffer terribly. My beloved son who should have a family and a home and career right now is sitting on my couch at this very minute staring at his hand because he thinks "there's something wrong with it." He's terrified to go to the grocery store. He gets stressed out if he misses three seconds of a sitcom; he thinks somehow that's significant in some completely incomprehensible (to me) way.

This isn't what I signed on for either. But I have to adjust to what came. To fight it is to live in hell.

Don't get me wrong. I have my moments when I just have to vent the grief. When my son was fired, he left his jacket at work. He had thought he belonged, that he fit in, that he'd found his spot in the world. He marvelled at it. He couldn't believe his good fortune. He thought he was back on track to getting a normal life. He had no clue they weren't happy with him - right up until the moment they canned him. And they didn't just fire him. That last day all the workers had to evaluate one another, and they all gave my son a bad evaluation. They didn't just fire him; they voted him off the island.

Anyway he was embarrassed to go back for his jacket, so I went. I arrived at the end of the day when the kids were all gone and the staff members had gathered in the office. There they were. Half a dozen young people who all belonged in the club, and up until a few days before my son thought he belonged too. He said he had thought they were 'nice people.' And they rejected him.

I couldn't help it, fish. I just wept. I had to stop at my sister's house before going home, because I wanted to compose myself before my son saw me.

Now, it's true that I have no one to point the finger of blame at like you do. No one did this to me. It was misfortune or an act of God. We do tend to hang on to our anger longer when we feel some person willfully harmed us. But that's why I shared the cow in the parking lot story. The point wasn't about minor parking irritations. But point was agency, having a human agent. The point of the story is that whether someone did it to you or whether it was bad luck, the result is the same. You have to find a different spot to park. You have to find a different way of making sense of your life. Clinging to the anger will only harm you.

A woman who had an autistic son once told me that finding out your child has autism is like going to the travel agent and planning a trip to Italy but when you get off the plane you find yourself in Bali. You can be angry you didn't get the trip you planned for so long and looked forward to so much. Or you can enjoy your stay in Bali.

I'm not trying to minimize your pain. And I hope I'm not lecturing too much. But you're carrying a burden that you can set down anytime you want to. Right now at this moment you can let it go. It's weighing you down and destroying your peace. Just set it down. You cannot change what's happened in the past.

“The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.”
― خیّام, Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam

And one more thing

About Radical Acceptance. I really wish I could find those notes, but I'm can't, so I'll just tell you two things I think you need to know. Keep in mind that I'm no Marsha Linehan, but I'll do my best.

1. Radically accepting does not mean that you think what happened to you is ok.

2. If you decide to radically accept, you'll have to do it over and over. The anger will return again and again, and you'll have to accept again and again. I think Marsha Linehan calls it 'turning the mind.' You'll have to turn your mind again and again.

It ain't easy. Radical acceptance is not for weaklings or the faint of heart.

am i the only one here content on being weird.

You put a big smile on my face

I don't think you understand. No matter how much I accept what happened, it doesn't mean tehre is an escape from it. No matter how much I accept that this happened and I have to just move on, there is always the imminent future threat of it all happening again. The doctors still try to "check up" on me. They still send social workers around to my house. They still threaten to have me put on compulsory community treatment, and I think most of the reason that I've escape that so far is because I know how the law works (and can get my lawyer friends to represent me for free). I'm sure if I were more of a layperson, I'd already be back on the forced druggings. No amount of acceptance or success of self-care or whatever has changed that. I can't imagine it will for a very long time.

perhaps my being ok with it is the same reason i am the way i am.

or are we talking about socially weird or clinically abnormal?

i am both. i realize my place is in both. i take both as being just me rather than something that was added on through ill/bad mental health. probably because i have no life to look back on and say "i was once like this". i dont have that.

on another forum someone said when they get delusional or have hallucinations they keep it inside and withdrawal and a family member ends up taking them somewhere or something.
i told them its the opposite for me. i said i show it outward. i end up going out in public with it and police or someone random person reports me.

or maybe im just completely lost. as always. people always say i have a lost look in my eyes.

@fishandsandwich

why do they still send them to your house if you had success? i thought they drop you of case management if you had success for a long while already?

Not the best post so I deleted.

I know I'm a weird angry *****, I'm OK with that.

I'm complaining about things like the diagnosis/compulsory treatment being registered against my criminal record. And my degree classification (ie. final result) being embarrassingly low because they factored in all the exams I "failed" (couldn't sit) whilst detained for compulsory treatment. And having to sue the university to keep my place because they didn't want psychotics there. And still having social workers show up at my house with an eye to drugging me. And basically not being able to get normal medical care because it always comes back to being blamed on my psych diagnosis (seriously, now everything from eye problems to broken bones = caused by the crazy).

The first sentence is a misrepresentation of what I say. I don't think they detained me for the purpose of making me a sex toy (I know I've used that phrase before). I know that there was no sound basis for sectioning me AND that one of the side-effects of the sectioning was that I was subjected to extreme sexual abuse/rape/harassment for ongoing periods without it being stopped.

And second, I'm not complaining about my lost past life, I'm complaining about the roadblocks to doing ANYTHING with myself now that they've labelled me a schizophrenic. Well, that and my inability to deal with all the trauma they've saddled me with (including the inability to get outside help for it).

Not in England, no. There's a statutory duty of care that's very high, so if they drop you off the case record too soon (it's only been 3 years with me that I've been off their drugs) and you hurt yourself or someone else, they're liable.

I think it'll be another two or four years (not sure which anymore) until I get dropped. Or I could move to another trust/area, which I will probably do in September time.

Incidentally, the bar exams work differently in England. You go to a special school for a year and then you have one chance to pass them all in one go. If you fail, then you have to re-take the whole year of schooling (£15k, incidentally). It's not like the US where you just keep taking them until you pass.

I didn't realize they had so much follow-up required care over there! I can see ways it might be good, but also bad. I'm sorry it's interfering with you so much. May I ask why your diagnosis is part of your criminal record? Is that how it's done there, or were you arrested at some point?
btw I don't think you're a weird, angry, *****. You might be a little weird, but in a good way, and I think some anger is justified.