Roll Call Twelve

That seems like a major load of c r a p to me sometimes! I would be pissed and distracted too! I'm sorry its disrupting your work day. I am sure it will get sorted, though. Just maddening in the meantime.

Yeah----there is just a lot more anxiety off the meds so little stuff like this breaks me down a lot faster than how things have been for the last two years. Anyway the new psychiatrist called back but they couldn't get me in until December 20th. The end of December is that last my old psychiatrist can cover me so I hope I don't have another appointment change. Some part of me wants to be done with psychiatry forever, but if I get sick again I'll need them so I have to maintain some sort of relationship. I'm just tired of this---its like everything is always harder than it needs to be.

exactly!

Ok now my other appointment is officially cancelled and I'm relieved. Phew...I remember from cbt they told me to always remember how things felt once they got resolved and try to think about that when I was stressing out. Its really hard to do though.

Its snowing...beautiful but too soon.

idk if it would be bad or not but i thought about exploiting myself a bit and doing a sz research study to get some quick money

My CBT therapy was a research study---I actually got paid to do it and it theoretically helped people. Maybe you can find something awesome like that? They have all sorts of protections so they don't accidentally hurt you.

i found two.
cuz they have a lot with drugs but i want nondrog studies
they have 1 where they are creating a total neuro database on sz and would do neuroimaging.
and another about sz and social settings/cues.

one is by university of texas. another is university of southewestern tx. so its not a private company type thing...

Finally got diagnosed. Previously it was just 'psychosis' or 'depression with psychosis', which made little sense. Now I got confirmation from my newer p-doc that I have some flavor of sz. I feel...relieved? I know that sounds odd, but 'psychotic depression' seemed so nebulous that I had no idea how to handle it. I've suspected some form of sz for a long time, based on the criteria but to hear that I'm not just stupid...I don't know, it makes me feel less out of control. I just feel really lucky that my 'positive' symptoms respond (relatively) well to treatment.

That sounds cool you should do it!

nice to hear u gott a little something resolved coyote

Use the drug studies as an excuse to get off those damn haldol shots

Tonight I'm struggling big time with decision making. Trying to decide what would be the best to do. My girls both will go off to college soon. They both graduate from high school this May. My son still lives at home and is attending community college so that he can live with me. My girls can't wait to leave home. Here's my issue.....moving. Currently we 4 live in a 2 bedroom apartment. We have one bathroom. It is a small, crappy apartment because even though my landlord is super nice he doesn't do any up keep on the apartment building. There are issues with the fridge and the stove and the air conditioner/heating system. Anyone in their "right mind" would not put up with the crap I put up with and keep paying their $825 per month rent. Now the rent is pretty cheap which is good because I only make about $15,000 per year. I'm very poor and my "symptoms" don't allow me to get a better job. I've been on my current job 7 yrs and have managed to "walk the walk" and "talk the talk" well enough that no one suspects that I am "unwell". So here's the deal. I need and want very much to move. Problem is that even though I completely hate my tiny crappy apartment I do feel safe there. I've even thought about putting my own money into my apartment and totally fixing everything and putting in a new air conditioner system and everything. I of course don't own the apartment and would only be making the landlord richer by doing this because if for some reason he decided to kick me out and rent the place to someone else for a higher rent then I would be the loser in the situation. I would love to move somewhere away from the noise of Dallas. I'd like to live in the country or a very small town that doesn't have that many people. But I am so scared of making this change and my "symptoms" put all sorts of negative thoughts and worries in my head. How will I get past this in order to move somewhere nicer and somewhere that I can feel safe and comfortable? My son is 21. Should I continue to allow him to live with me or should I force him to grow up and get his own place? He doesn't drive because I've been too afraid to teach him. I feel like because I'm "unwell" I am making him not grow. My oldest daughter is 19 and doesn't drive either and my youngest is 17 and paid her own way through driver's education and knows how to drive but I don't allow her to. It scares and worries me too much that I just can't handle it. Sorry for the lengthy explanation but I just really need some advice. I feel like such a failure and can't seem to make any decisions on this stuff. It sucks to be me right now!

Watching this old nova episode called secrets of the mind. This guy has capgras delusions where he thinks his parents are Imposters but he's not psychotic he actually had a car accident and damaged his brain. What it turns out is there are two signals that have to connect in the mind...one that's visual and another that's emotional. The one from the amygdala is the emotional one and it doesn't seem to connect in this guy but what's really interesting is he can talk to his parents on the phone and he knows exactly who they are because the auditory connection to the amygdala is fine. I've always felt I didn't make the right emotional connection with people and this is exacerbated in dating because it's almost like the people aren't the same people...I'm wondering if these connections are somehow weak in my brain. Anyway it's really interesting.

i didnt think about that. in 1 way thats a good idea. but has too much potential to backfire on me too :/

I could be wrong about this but I think most of the places in small towns are for sale and not to rent....have you looked into this. As far as your son...I think you would feel forever guilty just kicking him out, why not set a deadline of a year or so and he can have time to save money etc and you'll still have something to look forward to. That should be plenty of time.

Oh no I'd never just kick him out. I'd give him plenty of time to prepare and have money saved and a plan. I just don't know if I should worry about him still living at home at. 21. I worry that I'm not forcing him to grow up because he has it so easy at home. He does pay bills so he helps out but I worry that he's content with just that. And I worry that my credit is so ruined that I couldn't buy a house. My credit is very bad due to divorce.

ive been doing ok lately up until last night or so. i got no sleep last night cause my dad was drinking and not ok and i had to kinda care for him. but then i started drinking. and things got out of hand in my mind.

i think overall i actually been ok lately. well kinda. i wont go into my paranoia. ive been hiding that more. i feel like i should.

nothings better. its just kinda level out. but i feel myself slipping

Sorry I sent that before I was done. Wanted to say thanks for responding to that long post Sometimes. You know if things were right inside my head then making decisions would be so easy. I hate being so f***** up inside my head! I hate these negative thoughts and the paranoia and all the other crap that goes along with this! I just want to crawl in a hole and hide forever!

i get less responses as time goes on

I think there is a strong tendency for kids to live at home for a long time in these younger generations...totally normal...just not what we did. I can totally understand it though because they just can't get great jobs and why waste that on rent when you can get cool stuff. What about dating...is he bringing girls home...that is often the impetus kids need to get their own place, that or not liking the rules. Personally I'd let him live there, an empty nest is a boring one.

I think a lot of people are having trouble or just disappeared lately. It seems like a whole different group.

your right. because i see a lot of new people.

so this sucks.

kinda lost a lot of my friends here i guess.

oh well

maybe i should disappear too...

All I can say to this is I'm glad you at least had some relief. I wish your dad didn't drink as much, my dad has an alcohol problem too but he would just come home from the bar and pretty much pass out so at least I didn't have to take care of him and I got away from all that when I went away to school and I've never looked back.

@cracking-I think a lot of kids choose to stay home through college to save money. If that works out for both you and your son, then there's nothing strange or wrong with that. If your girls are of a different mindset and want to move out sooner, then I think that's fine too. Just siblings making different choices. I do think the girls should learn to drive and do so if they want to, for their own independence. That's just my opinion though, and should be a family decision.
As far as your apartment, if you like where you live, and the landlord is friendly to talk to, maybe you could ask him about the possibility of purchasing some of your own appliances with the understanding that they are yours? Your responsibility to repair and upkeep, but also yours to take with you if you move. And get it in writing. Maybe just worth asking him about.