Roll Call Twelve

@sometimes - that is a really interesting concept to me. I might try to look for it. My wife might like it too.

@newtus-I think you get lots of responses. I'm sorry you don't feel that way. How are you doing tonight? Still feeling pretty good?

No don't disappear that would suck.

thanks for asking

i feel pretty paranoid still. but not many voices.

on the other hand my paranoia hasnt rested for years.

the only stressors i have right now is my dad drinking. which is a lot as it is.
but nothing else besides that. my dad has been in bed all day til now. says hes depressed. and has been drinking for tha past two days.

overall im kinda ok right now. i was say not bad but not good.

thanks.
really thank you
but i wonder since a lot of new people have come if it really matters anymore. most the people ive been talking to past 4 years arent here anymore. and its becoming less. im tired of reexplaining my story or answering the same ole thread made by new people. no offence to that - things come and go but i feel less attached her then i used to cuz less people i know.

Yeah I actually feel really weird since Mimi left she was always so positive so I have some idea what you mean...I pretty much only come to roll call these days. Still some of the new people are really great so I still see it as beneficial and I feel like I still need it.

i wonder why voices come a lot a night

I slept with a light on for a while when I was recovering because of that very thing...I could not fall asleep because they kept talking. When I was trying to sleep they would actually call out the names of the sleep waves just as I was drifting off, alpha wave...theta wave...it pretty much sucked. I was getting two hours of sleep a night becuase I would eventually just pass out from exhaustion.

Gr3tta: thanks so much for your advice. I so appreciate what you said. I agree my girls do need to drive even though it freaks me out! I need to make sure I do all I can to prepare them for this world. One day I won't be here and I need to be sure that they can do for themselves. As far as my son goes I know it's much cheaper for him to live here with me while he's attending his community college. He doesn't bring girls home either. He is a super shy kid and he has super social issues just like me. I don't mind him still living at home but I want to see him grow and become more independent. I know I just need to have more patience with all that and allow him to achieve that in his own time. I know we need to move. This old building we live in has lots of issues so even if I bought new appliances there are lots of other issues that would take money to fix. I just need to explore my options and see what I could qualify for. I allow my "symptoms" and my paranoia and fears to keep me stuck in this gutter. I need to find strength to pull myself out and make things better for myself. I hate how my life is right now and need to do some serious changing.

Newtus: Please don't leave. We need you here!

I have noticed people come and go on PC too.

This website can be very overwhelming, because of the nature of the content. It has the amazing ability to elicit strong and distressing emotions. It is also very easy to misinterpret well intended posts, because there are no nonverbal cues to help navigate the interaction (if there is one).

Sometimes I have to back off and erect boundaries, especially when I am struggling. This protects me. I have to do this or else I cannot keep my account.

I've been studying/slacking off all long weekend. I have an accounting exam tomorrow but I couldn't really focus much on studying and for some reason I can't really bring myself to really care or worry about it. It's like I have this feeling that I'll be chill. Or maybe I'm just losing my ability to care.

Tomorrow I do get the chance to hand out my letters. Finally. I have to be sneaky though.

Wow, my first post in the new roll call & it's already four pages in!! Unsurprising... I haven't been around really. That's been happening lately & I kind of want to make it a point to correct that. I don't want newtus or anyone else leaving!

Started the Depakote on Halloween. And it was working pretty great; no negative side effects. But as of Thursday it started making me have fits of extreme nausea. I even missed the train to my therapy appointment [which I'm pretty obsessive about attending] & walked home because I couldn't deal with riding a bus. And then on Saturday I started puking! There was even blood the first time it happened!! So I've had to regretfully stop until I can consult her... But my appointment isn't until December 2nd & she's so busy, so it's a pain in the *** to get one earlier. And might not even happen. Aaaaaand we all know what happened last time I got angry with a social worker telling me I couldn't see her!

So I'm medication-less for the first time in 3 months or so? Kind of daunting, especially since there's been a lot of outside sources of stress lately... No car AGAIN. My boyfriend's mother is becoming an issue again. He's tired & having serious identity/esteem issues, so I need to help carry some mental weight. Still trying to find a job. Etc.... And my PMDD is going to be in sway soon enough, which will just create it's own shitstorm.

In a lot of pain today from being out in the sun & walking around a lot. And my tooth is still acting up but I had to stop taking the Naproxen because that was probably contributing to the vomiting too! I tried some pain relief meditation... It took the edge off so I could gather the energy to finish cooking. But only for a short period of time. More painkillers tomorrow!

I feel an episode coming on. I couldn't sleep at all last night... Tried laying down after taking an ativan. Tried meditating. Went to pace around a bit. Tried laying down again. Tried reading & browsing the net. And then I was finally able to go to sleep, albeit it took me awhile. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. This is just a prime example of bad timing! I'll get through it. I always do.

I've been having very vivid dreams for the past couple weeks. Some are very disturbing. Some are just weird. Some seem so real I'm confused when I wake up - I don't know if I should mention the events of it in case it isn't real, but what if it's real and someone could explain motivations behind it?

One dream was literally just me on the computer using a torrent to download the entire series of Oz, another was people hating me in high school and sending me threatening notes, and another was a trippy movie like dream where someone I slightly know online is actually a famous actor and collects nazi paraphernalia and a bunch of us were in his house and strange **** started happening.

Another was I took the dogs outside and there was a lawn party and no one like the food and there were panthers and all sorts of exotic animals in the field and then someone ended up lost in the field so a bunch of us went to find them, but the field wasn't our field it was the field from our old house.

I don't know what they mean. I had to check the next morning to see if I did actually download Oz, and I'm not sure about the notes in school. What if there were but I've blocked them out? I've dissociated several times before, what if I dissociated out large chunks of my life?

This is too much to think about. I can't sleep. I will eventually fall asleep and have another vivid dream and the thoughts of it will consume me and it will be hard for me to focus on my exam.

Can't seem to fall asleep tonight despite the fact that I'm really tired. My brain won't turn itself off and my heart is beating fast and I feel tons of anxiety. Feeling rather hopeless lately. Just not sure about much of anything these days.

Nice to see you posting Shay!

Thankya, Cracking!!

I wish I could rip out all of my joints one by one... It's 6am here & I haven't been able to sleep or even shut my eyes. Not even hyperactivity. Just sheer. ****ing. Pain. It's intolerable & I don't know how I'll live the rest of my life knowing it will constantly be present on some level. Every single day. Whether it's a little backache from sitting or knee ache from walking or hand pain from writing or hip soreness from laying down... It's everywhere! All the time. And it's going to make me go mad.

I know it has nothing to do with psychosis, but...

Whatever.

post-scriptum;
it's now 8:30am & I'm still wiiiide awake. Decided to Stop fighting it. Played with the kitty, made coffee & a quick breakfast, read, talked to a fellow insomniac. The pain is still there... Idk if my tolerance has risen or my nerves are so shot they don't feel like conducting anymore!! But at least it's not hitting my breaking point anymore.

i notice i buy a lot of books and never read em.

i think i just buy books for material company instead of actualy reading them.

What kind of books do you like?

philosophy.religious. political books. like about secret societies.

I think you find an inner peace knowing there are people out there who think the same way you do & have accomplished things. You still have hope for companionship & achieving goals somewhere in you... They're just hard to channel because of the negative symptoms. That's probably also why you haven't gotten to reading them.

I just popped an omega 3, 2 glucosamine/chondroitin, & a neurontin from my evil MIL's bedroom pharmacy. One of those should stop the pain... And I also took a multivitamin -- because looking after yourself is key! *grumblegrumble*

do others sometimes feel like the just want to run away?

like actually run away not from problems but actually like go away...

i feel like this a lot. like just run off for awhile and not tell any1.

I would like to run away.

i ran away when i was 16...to chicago...it was scary. i think about just disappearing sometimes...saving up money and moving elsewhere to start over

I don't have anything to run from---its just me---I do feel like I want to cry though---not sure why?

I can totally relate to the last few posts. Today I am a terrible combo of angry, frustrated, and depressed. I actually did allow myself to do a bit of crying last night after my youngest daughter and I got into an argument and she said some very hurtful things......she doesn't like me, can't stand to be around me, can't wait to move away for college, never wants to live with me again. Those things she said all because she was very angry because I won't allow her boyfriend whom I don't like to spend the weekend at our tiny apartment! No freaking way will I allow that kinda crap to happen in my house! I totally feel like taking Daisy and running very far away and never coming back. I'm considering getting my own tiny apartment somewhere and letting all 3 of my kids get their own places and figure out how to do things on their own. I'm sick of the disrespect I receive from them when I'm doing the best that I can. I'm seriously ready to just shut down completely! Ugh!