Roll Call 14

Well believe it or not I actually forced myself to get out of bed and take a hot shower. After the hot shower I had a bad anxiety attack but I pushed through it. Got myself dressed and drove myself and two of my kids to Applebee's to eat. Since most places are closed today Applebee's was very busy. In fact when we got inside we actually had to stand in a line and wait for a table. While waiting one of the server's who have waited on us before brought me over a soda. He remembered what I drink and just brought it over. I felt special. I thought this was so nice of him. He ended up being our server and of course I left him a nice tip. This random act of kindness by this guy really made my day. Of course he had no idea how depressed I am and how today was so hard for me. His kind gesture really put a smile on my face. It made me think that no matter how deep I get into this dark hole of depression I've got to continue to claw my way out. I'm glad I made myself get out for a bit tonight. I have a tiny bit of hope now.

Merry Christmas Everyone.

I'm feeling ok considering I'm all alone for the holidays. Not having any symptoms today or for the last few weeks. All is well.

You know I've been doing a lot of thinking about seeking professional help. I've been reading a lot of articles on PC. I'm finding great information that's really helping. I think I'm going to start journaling. I want to write down all the "stuff" that tortures me daily. I think if I can get it all down on paper then maybe I can use that to help me heal. Maybe I could show this to a therapist? Have any of you ever done this and did it help?

Iwas put on meds starting in 1985 and was on a pshyc ward several times for depression and after affects of a few accidents. I have to say the meds i'm on now i just love and was not so agreeable to take them back then but now i deal with things differently and have a lot less anger which was my downfall.

I write poetry and short stories as my form of writing down what I experience along with having a personal journal. I also draw for the things that I can not describe and feel the need to express. When I need/want to show my therapist something I will show her an outline of my journal entry which is very helpful. I find it very helpful to share some of this information to her to help her understand my situation better and I find it very therapeutic. I highly recommend journaling; it's a good coping strategy

The crisis team are coming tomorrow going to see if they can help me get some tests done, I don't know what they are doing to me. messing with my eyes as well.

hope u all had a good christmas. mine was ok but i was diagnosed with the flu on sunday night. still recovering.

they gave me an mri when i said the gangstalkers implanted something into my head. found nothing. not convinced.

i am so happy everyone is giving everyone every "thanks" and hugs this holiday. everyone needs it.

as for me. my hallucinations have subsided a bit. but my paranoia hasnt much. ive been doing a lot with my family so its taken my mind off a bit. but i had a hell of a time with that risperdal and hospital stay being around methheads and stuff. sh_ttt. but i still need them to lower my meds so i wont be so tired and so i wont be so nonproductive. if i get them to lower it to 75mg i wont be so bad off. a little hallucination wont hurt me. but to try to "fix" them is a mistake. i know ill have them for life so please dont overmedicate me til im dead.

i think my voices will be coming back very soon. can anyone feel when that stuff comes back? i can. i can feel tension in my body and a shaking sometimes of my nerves. then they start flooding back.

I can "feel" it too. I start get really tense and agitated, to point point where I am just a bundle of well... whatever ... and everything feels "hazy", not sure how else to put it.

im watching a movie called american addict. its about americans and prescriptions pills and how people can get addicted to them and how they are killing some people. it speaks about the dsm and even abilify which is used for an additive for depression but its actually for psychosis. the movie looked good and looks unbiased so it might be worth looking at.

its not antipsych but some anti psych is funded by scientology. this doesnt look like it is but still questions psychiatry and i like it

I watched the whole three hours of that phychotropic medications video on youtube it was sooo biased but lots is true.

the one i just posted about? cuz theres one on youtube by scientology. thats not the one im talking about.

they talk about APs and how they are a form of lobotomy. well they said ONE sentence like that. but they are going on about how zyprexa is presrcibed off label for sleeep or anxiety and it makes people have diabetes and is for people with schizophrenia.

i thoight it was a good film. idk i thought so.

Ya the Scientology one i never knew it was actually from scientology though xD

yea they are anti psychiatry. not that im not ha but im not into scientology

That looks great...found it on Netflix streaming...watching now...thanks!

I think I'll check that American Addict movie out too. I see it listed on my Netflix. Thanks for telling us about it Newtus!

I'm going to force myself to get up and give Daisy a bath. I've been meaning to do it for a few days now but have been feeling so depressed that doing the smallest of things have been really hard for me lately. I was proud of myself for getting out last night and it did make me feel a tiny bit better. But today I've been in bed all day in front of the television. I want to be productive but just can't seem to make myself get up and do it. I just want to hide under my covers and stay here forever. I really hate feeling this way. I hope you all are doing okay today.

Well I have a very clean smelling Chihuahua now! She's happy about it. I'm glad I can say I actually did one productive thing today.

Time for an update ladies and gentlemen! I think I am in the middle of a mixed episode but I know it should go into the lovely bipolar section but schizoaffective is part of bipolar or whatever way it goes I don't know what's going on right now but I pray I get my doctor but I am anxious as well, crying talking rapidly for no apparent reason for no reason but I don't know why I'm keep on saying but but I have to think far and wide between mom had her tooth pulled ouch nightmares about PTSD scary I'm afraid I did something horrible but I'm truly sorry. OK. Up and down like the stock market but not really because the Dow keeps going up and up.

Firebird I am sorry you are feeling this way

I just watched "American Addict" on Netflix. For those of you who have not watched it, you should. It makes me even more paranoid and untrusting of doctors and medications. No offense to anyone but if you watch this you'll totally understand why I say this.
Newtus: thank you for telling us about "American Addict".