Roll Call 14

listen. QUiT calling the police.

its gonna be worse soon with them

Costello - they won't to checks for anything they would just put it down to anxiety.

Newtus I had to call them yesterday thought I was dead for sure, I called 999 not the helpline number.

That's terrible.

I understand and I'm sorry.

Costello - they've done it to me before, as soon as there is a label, it can't be anything else.

what is 999? is that like 911?

Yeah 999 is the UK emergency number

kureha. i saw your comment but the police are NOT us. they are not good. idk about in the uk but in the usa its like a police state. police beat people and accuse them when they are not wrong. its not terrible but its getting bad here.

they are not who we are. not us. they are their own breed of perps.

ive been hearing some voices today and seeing planes fly over my house in a hurry. im suspicious.

on another note. i had a bad migraine today and threw up BUT NOW im feeling better!!!
overall im feeling more myself a little more each day. and if "MYSELF" is hearing voices then its hearing voices.

i notice my dad saying im more "ME" when im not saying "weird stuff" and "not hearing voices" but THATS NOT ME. THATS. NOT. ME.

I'm not saying all the police are ok, but I think some arent involved in it. I mean most of them are, but not all them.

I saw military plane yesterday it freaked me out, I told the nurse she's like well I don't know about planes it was grey full of MI5 - why can't she just believe me.

Thinking of getting some legal highs, see if I can forget about this for a while.

i feel better today. im going back to work tonight 6 to 10. good thing its only 4 hours. i want to clean my apartment because its gotten realy messy. i want my mom to come visit me on monday so i have to clean it for her. im glad i feel better i think the flu is gone now. i took the last tamiflu last night, it was making me vomit and made my stomach hurt really badly.

ive been seeing military planes too kureha

I went to my doctor yesterday and I am mixed about her. I can talk a little more coherently right now (At least I think) and she said I am definitely manic right now. But that ain't true at all, I just slept 14 hours. That happens more often in depression. In the afternoon I do get really bad, incoherent, clanging and see and hear more things. Also the speech is rapid and pressured (like a manic person). but in reality I think I'm having a mixed episode with severe anxiety. So severe that at night I get sick. I barely eat at night for dinner. Maybe a few bites. I AM hopeless about my future, but have racing thoughts. Two contradictory things. Hopelessness is a sign of depression and racing thoughts is a sign of mania. The appointment was scary. She (this was my first appointment) thinks its bipolar and borderline personality disorder. I hope its OK to post in here. I don't think I can live without you guys. I'm also very distractible I know that can be a manic symptom. But in reality I can't control my moods right now at ALL. One moment I am crying my brains out and the next I am bouncing off the walls singing and being incoherent. My sleep patterns are messed up as well, 2-14 hours for the win! I don't know how much she actually knows about mental illness but she does know a lot about pills. But the sad thing is that she is taking me off the anti anxiety pills, all of them. Wouldn't that make me so anxious that I go crazy? Some of the things she said I didn't like.

dont worry. its ok to post here firebird.

what didd she say that you dont like?
thats the problem with switching psychs. they will diagnose you differently.

She basically implied I "like" being this way and not making enough effort to change. Also she mentioned the word "true" or "truth" and then pointed at me, thinking I wasn't telling the truth (at least that's what I think in my mind). She has no feelings either. Since my anxiety was sky high, I was having my thought disorder there not making any sense and my memory for things was impaired. I would say things over and over again without knowing according to my parents. To be honest I didn't want to tell her my deepest thoughts yet (my so called delusions and hallucinations), but somehow it was forced out of me. I don't like telling people that until they get to know me more and trust is formed. I have enough insight that my thoughts are weird, but at the same time I've had weird thoughts forever. I'm just weird.

Sorry Firebird sounds like your appointment didn't go so well.

If I make it to January. I'm terrified of starting college in September.

My son was turned down for the peer support job he applied for. He's pretty discouraged. It was at his old mhc, and I do wonder if his reputation there hurt him. There was a least one very vocal person there who believed he was dangerous. She kept saying he'd been arrested once with a gun in his possession. It just wasn't true; he never had a gun. But she was convinced of it, so ...

Maybe getting turned down for this job is one of those unanswered prayers that turns out to be a blessing. If they're going to prejudge him based on how he acted when he was at his worst (and even add in stuff he didn't do), then it probably wouldn't have been a healthy environment for him anyway.

omg costello im so sorry. tell him newtus is thinking about him and has him in her prayers/blessings/mind.

thats no good they prob did judge him. those places arent the best.

i was just thinking about how when i was taken to the hospital in december i had 25 dollars on me . i was gonna buy weeed that day but didnt.

Thanks! I'll tell him.

Firebird: I'm so sorry that your appointment didn't go well. That lady doesn't sound so nice. I know that is frustrating for you. Please feel free to post here anytime. We are here to listen and to support you
Costello: I'm sorry your son is discouraged. That's not fair for them to judge him and add on stuff he never did. That's terrible for them to do that. But when one door closes another door opens. Maybe that wasn't the right place for him. Maybe there is a much better place out there for him. I wish him the very best of luck!

The part that bothers me most is I think she doesn't believe me. Especially when she said the word truth and then pointed at me. This means she believes that I am lying. I read up on it and it can mean she thinks I am a malingerer or factitious disorder. But what contradicts that is that she's giving me meds, which if she truly thought I was malingering or had factitious disorder she wouldn't do and she wouldn't want to see me again. I do have another appointment 2 weeks from now. I DON'T TRUST ANYONE OR ANYTHING. I am evil. I AM a Dark One or Demon. People see me as that. No one believes me. I guess I'm going to Hell when I die. I've been VERY depressed today after everything set in. Mostly crying but can't control my moods. She made me feel guilty about everything. I know she knows about meds. But I don't know. If it continues like this or it does somehow come out that is what she was thinking I am going to sue, file a complaint, and never see her again. I hope and pray to God that doesn't happen. People want to kill me. Everywhere there's threats. Fly high in the sky, that is all.

That's pretty much what I told him. I told him about jobs I didn't get that I was so disappointed about at the time, but not getting them turned out to be a good thing.

My sleep pattern is all out of whack! I just can't seem to get myself to sleep at night lately. But then when 5am rolls around I'm worn out and finally fall asleep. Then I tend to sleep half the day away! Not good! I'm off work for the holidays. My routine is not structured like it is when I am working. My fault entirely. This depression has really got me off track. I've got to get myself back on track! Ugh!

I'm also off work between Christmas and New Years and am having the same problem. Sleeping during the day and awake at night.