Am I okay ? *warning, long post*

(edited by LMo - added trigger icon)

I firstly warn this is a long post and the next bit can be skipped without any discontinuity, I think.

A bit of past history about me from roughly a decade ago - (there's alot but I believe this to be relevant to what's happening now)

I used to take amphetamine sulphate in large doses and smoke cannabis whilst it was taking effect. I did this for I think about a year or so as far as I can remember, there is still chunks of my past that are missing.
Mixing chemicals like that did have a profound effect on me and I was frequently in a very strange state of consciousness... obssessive, paranoid, death, perfection.

Within the first few months I started to mildly hallucinate; little people in trees, spiders and insects covering my bed/walls/floor, tiny video cameras everywhere (soo small I couldn't see them which was the purpose).

Only ever once did I hear voices outside my mind, it said "now then my old pal" and that's the last I heard of it.

Eventually no matter how much amphetamine I took I always had a bad time and I was in a right state. I went to the doctors because I was trembling and shaking alot. The doctor quickly established what was wrong and prescribed me sleeping tablets (and yes he figured I was on speed but don't think he knew I'd had a load the night before).

Anyways that night I took only one sleeping tablet and sat watching the tv. After about half an hour I noticed two miniature dogs under the tv and their mouths were moving in sync with whatever was on the tv. I thought nothing of it believing it to be normal.

After about an hour I went to go to bed hoping for a decent sleep. Something stopped me though and I just sat on the bed as my mind wondered. For some reason I lifted my top up and looked at my belly...suddenly this spider crawled along my belly and disappeared into my bellybutton.
I then looked up and my twin was in the room, I asked him what he's doing tonight and he disappeared. Again everything seemed normal. Then I noticed up in the corner of the room this medievil reality appeared, getting bigger and coming closer to me then it too disappeared as I was disturbed by noises outside.

Three skeletons with ripped up flesh and internal organs appeared stuck in the floor, as I looked around the room I saw small creatures so I went into the main room. I sat down on a chair and little people were walking around the fireplace, then all of a sudden everything became extremely bright and the room disappeared.. I was in a field and a gold antique clock was beside me, translucent people talking to each other as they walked past me.

After a few seconds I was back in the room and I suddenly felt dread and fear as I looked at my dog snoopy got smudged into the sofa. I looked at the cushion on the side of the sofa and I could feel there was something lurking at the side and it was going to lift the cushion. Yep the cushion started to lift up into the air but there was nothing behind it.
This black demon dog with red eyes appeared besides me and ripped my leg off. Big creatures and demons started to come out from the walls and ceiling, I closed my eyes not wanting to see. A neighbor came round wondering what was going on so I made my way to the door with my eyes closed. I tried to explain and they took me to their car as they was going to take me to hospital.

When I got in the car I briefly opened my eyes and I saw this black demon/creature with extremely long pointy fingers (something like 2 foot in length) sat in the back of the car.

Anyways in hospital things got worse, had aliens (sigourney weaver style) chasing me around the ward, walls with ripped up flesh and blood, decapitated heads, spikes made of light trying to impale me, humongous spiders, a human being laying on the floor and it's flesh being stripped, then it's organs removed and so on until all that was left was a skeleton. Demons with total black eyes just staring at me, crawling along the ceilings and walls. People being chopped up with big swords and axes..people sat in a corner scraping around their eye sockets with glass and snapping & cutting their jaws off.. other realities appearing 'on' walls, I then saw myself, like a clone or something. I believe I saw my subconsciousness layed bare for me to literally see.

A few weeks later I was diagnosed with a drug-induced psychotic psychosis which I was in for a number of months where I continued to hallucinate and see reality differently than how it was.

---------- Main part of post follows here ----------

For the last few years my dreams have been gory/gruesome/evil in nature. (I've been off drugs for around a decade by the way and I'll never touch them again)

I've tried watching gory films and horrors and that seems to have stopped the nasty dreams, but this concerns me somewhat because now it's transferred from my dream world into reality and now nothing disturbs or sickens me (when it comes to flesh/blood/gore) Infact I almost feel intrigued and uncontrollably my mind wonders about ways to make it nastier.

I feel people can hear my thoughts so I have to be 'blank' if I go out and about which took alot of effort to do and I can't do it indefinitely. People infront of me seem to follow me, they know where I'm going that's how they can follow me before I even get there myself.
I restrict my emotions and almost switch them off like I'm totally emotionless and I have to walk and act in a set fashion with no deviation so nobody can 'read' my thoughts although obviously this doesn't always work.

Video cameras these days don't seem to be made soo small you can't see them, they are in plain view which is quite uncanny, perhaps they are decoys from the real cameras to fool me or make me feel 'comfortable' that I know they know I can see them.

Nothing really matters that much as I often think I'm in a coma and this is some sort of dream world and the last decade of my life hasn't really happened.

I also believe there is 'something' out there looking after me, like I'm a golden child or something that should be protected but at the same time need to learn valuable and noble lessons, the most important seems to be patience, hence the coma.

Sorry for the long post, I quite sure I'm fine, I guess I'm just needing confirmation and someone elses point of view really. Like a yay or nay is enough.

Thankyou anyone for possibly even reading this.

Facey, first off welcome to PC!
Now, I don't like horror movies, I can watch them but they left me feeling really uneasy.
I guess my questions for you would be, Do you like the place you are in right now? Or Are you trying to find a different way of living?
I'm asking that becuase I'd like to know how you feel right now.
I think part of you it's ok wiht the whole "not feeling thing" but part of you is really missing something.
Anyway, it was really interesting reading the whole post.

I enjoyed reading your long post. As I can compare very well with that. Right now I have my hair tied up and bathrobe on so I feel safe from the people plotting against me and from hearing/harming my thoughts. I also at this moment I can hardly bear to look at the lights just knowing it is a hidden camera and then aliens, ghosts and people are behind me trying to altar my mind and read my thoughts. They often hiss, murmur and hum. I also feel away from the world, sometimes dizzy. I have not been getting much rest because they are really active at night and when i am alone. Welcome to PC and I hope you are okay, glad to meet you!

I don't know if I can answer to any kind of a satisfactory conclusion, I'll try though.

Since my reality basically got messed up I guess I'm trying to find out what is the real reality, how do I know that *this* is real ? The messed up reality seemed just as real as this one. The dream world merged with reality and normally in dreams there is no sense of time or continuity but this alternate reality did, albeit a scarier reality at the time.

Nowadays if I saw demons/creatures again I wouldn't be scared, I would chase them down and anywhere/anytime I think any other person would be spooked or freaked out I stay there and look for them, I believe the creatures are scared of me. After all these years I've found or seen nothing, I suppose I'm still looking for this alternate reality because that's how I last remember it when there wasn't 'something missing' with me.

That point you made when you said part of me is really missing something almost caused a tear in my eye, it's like suddenly someone else hit the nail squarely on the head about something I've been searching for all these years and never found an answer.

Something is missing and I have no idea what it is.. it feels like when you are trying to remember a word and it's on the tip of your tongue but you can't quite remember... taunting me... I do know there is definitely something, some part of me or my life that is missing.

I studied quantum physics for a number of years before finally going to university to study theoretical physics so maybe I can find out for myself and to my own satisfaction if this reality is real and what makes it real or even unravel this reality and wake me up from the coma. Almost like I have to understand the new reality I'm in to get back to the real one.

I need to find a kink in this reality, some flaw or something to prove either way if it's real or not. One of the problems though is that this reality more than likely is truly flawless, also like in the dream world, you will never find out whilst you are experiencing it because whatever happens you accept it as normal. The rules you've experienced that govern that reality seems to define normal.

Do I like the place (reality) I'm in right now ? I've thought about this quite a lot.
I seem to get alot of deja vu's and what seem like visions, but none of them ever happen. From that I can have some level of predictability knowing something that won't happen which is better than nothing at all. That in itself makes me feel some level of comfort despite the fact that some coincidence should happen but never seems to.

Also this reality would be better than one where I wake up from a coma and be a vegetable, unless the real time that was passing was tiny in comparison to what I've experienced.. this has happened to me before when I was a child.. a few occasions I had strange fits and the time that seemed to pass for me felt like a few weeks but only a quarter of an hour had really passed according to the people around me at the time.

I appologise, I seemed to have wrote more than I thought. I'm just trying to explain sufficiently but I can't go into the detail I would like otherwise I'd be writing for a long time which I suspect would just be too self-indulgent of me.

Anyway thankyou for responding and acknowledging there is something missing, it was very much appreciated.

Any questions just ask away, just be aware the length of the potential response that might follow..

EDIT: I'm sorry sarah, it took me quite a while to write this post and it must seem like I overlooked your response. I don't mean to come across like that. Thankyou both for welcoming me here, I really do appreciate it.

EDIT 2: I think the 'thing' is something to do with a mirror, I distinctly remember a feeling that everything and my mind was reversed by some strangeness with a mirror. I remember a bit more about staring into the blackness of my dilated pupils through a mirror whilst in the strange state of consciousness all those years ago and almost everything flipped around but something was lost. I believe the missing thing was what might have got lost in the reversal, I'm not totally sure but it makes sense to me.

Facey, even though your posts and responses are long, they are so good, I don't even realize it when i'm done reading.
I'm sorry hon that you can see there is something missing~ I feel for you, I know what you mean.
And also I agree wiht you about the confort of what you know rigth now to be your place.
I just hope someday you can finally feel all you need and deserve.
PM me anytime~

That is alright and I myself enjoy long posts. Please feel free to post, PM, Email, Im me anytime! Good luck and God bless. Sarah

Hey hey hey! what's going on here then !? lols

A nice short post for some general viewing pleasure, and to top it off I've increased my post count! can it get any better !? I think not!