Roll Call 18

It seems like the whole hospital fiasco really broke your trust with her.

yea it did. thinking back on it. she didnt need to put me in there. even my parents think so. ...i told her not to call 911. she did anyway.

i imagine just being in the hospital and screaming at the TOP of my lungs.

thats what im imagining right now

It sounds like she really doesn't know how to handle you. I was kind of surprised when you mentioned having been in the hospital because I didn't think it was necessary.

all i needed was an antidepressant. and well a whole doctor change. but i guess i got something out of it. the antideppressant. but i didnt need to be in hospital for suicidal thoughts. and i wasnt psychotic. but i feel a relapse coming on. i can feel it and im seeing things again. more. and more paranoia and hallucinations. but i feel it in my core. something evolving.

Okay, so what would be some good steps to keep it from coming on? Can you call your new pdoc and see what she says?

Ok here is my question---you basically said the shot ended---have you started on the new haldol yet? Also its a lower dose so it might not control your psychosis as well if that's the case then you may want more---the shot as you were taking it was worth 6.7mg-10mg or more because they were giving it more often and you are getting 4mg now---that alone can be enough to trigger psychosis so if you feel it you might want to take more or try being honest with the new pdoc about what you've done I'm sure she can help you taper off the shot better...

i guess taking my meds but the closer time gets for me to start - i dont wanna take em. psychosis brought me revolutionary ideas and beautiful insight into the world. i miss that. i wonder if i just stopped my medicine and see if i cant control it myself. relapse is such a dirty word.

its not as beautiful as i make out to be but it had brought me revolutionary ideas and insight of the world

Perhaps, but even if it gave you those ideas it didn't give you the ability to work with them. Being healthy means being able to use the ideas you are given. I have tons of ideas but I can't use them, because they are too fast and fragmented. I can't turn them into art or stories or anything. It's like watching people in action through a strobe light, nothing is connected. So I know I'm not healthy, and I know I am healthy when I can make those ideas into something coherent.

Do you see what I'm saying? Just because you have good ideas during psychosis doesn't mean they are worth it.

i guess so. i guess mine are fragmented too. so i cant make much out of them. but they are such good revolutionary ideas. this sucks...

(((hug)))

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I agree. It's not fair.

You know one of the concepts in shamanism is walking fluidly in both the spirit world and the world we live in. The actual journeying is a lot like psychosis but it is balanced with being able to function in the real world when needed. So look if you're going to be on 4mg you're already going to shift things further toward psychosis...maybe it will be enough to be able to function in both worlds. The problem is if you stop taking the meds and are lost to psychosis entirely then there is a really good chance you'll end up back in the hospital and then what happens....they may stabilize you and the game begins again but what if they can't? A lot of people report a further drop in intelligence and functionality with every break. So much for ideas..some people can no longer talk...what happens then? If you get to that point it's probably the state hospital...I know I don't want that for you but the question is what do you want?

My grandpa is once again near death. I might have said this several times in the last year or so, and several times it was close. Now he's starting to feel the presence of his dead wife. He also can't take a few steps without getting out of breath. Also, he's sleeping most of the time. He is 91 years old. I am scared again. Today I found out and its confirmed that my brother (besides my mom) needs surgery to take out his lap band from complications. Then soon after (its not scheduled yet but they will be close together) my mom will need the highly dangerous back operation. Just too much stress to deal with. Does anyone know that if feeling the presence of lost loved ones is a sign of near death?

I went to my new program today (more geared at psychosis, the last one was for bipolar) and I'm officially not bipolar. I kind of suspected from the beginning. My mom was the one who exaggerated to get that diagnosis.

And I don't even have a major depression/schizoaffective diagnosis anymore. Which makes sense because the last time I was really depressed (i.e. not because of meds or being in the hospital) was 4 years ago. And that was the only time.

So for now, I have "psychotic disorder NOS". I don't even know what that means. Allegedly it's just short term until they rule out physical causes and determine that I've had "long term" psychosis.

This is so confusing...

Oh firebird,
Im sorry you have so much stress and sadness in your life right now. It must be very hard to stay strong. I have heard of some people with a close relationship feeling a loved ones presence. It was said to be very comforting. (((hug)))

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***POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING?***

Are we allowed to talk about recent near-suicide attempts if they didn't actually happen and you're not currently in danger?

Psychosis NOS is pretty much well she's got psychosis but who knows what it is so the docs don't know any more than you do or they don't want to give you a sz diagnosis for some reason.

So technically I think we're not allowed to talk about suicide at all however we always do and I've never seen the mods shut it down...that doesn't mean they won't though at some point. Your probably safe in roll call though because this thread moves so fast and it wouldn't be in the title or anything obvious you know...

I know my old docs were against giving me a schizophrenia diagnosis before because I was under 18 and they thought I would "grow out of it". And other docs gave me an initial psychotic disorder NOS diagnosis (which later became schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type) because they hadn't seen me "long enough"...

I'm just not sure based on the rules from the depression forum...
Like it's pretty specific, but it didn't happen in this world and I'm not in any danger right now...

Whatever, I'll just say it.

My mom was supposed to drive me to the new doctor's in the city, but she wouldn't drop me off at the building because she had another appointment to get to. Which normally wouldn't be a problem, but the voices have been discussing the next step in the mission for a while that is dangerous... and it involves something that I had to walk by to get to the office (non-specific enough?)

So I managed to walk past it by reasoning that if I went in that direction, either my mom would see or the docs would call me for being late or whatever...

But when I got to the office (where I was meeting with the social worker) the voices and visions started up again... I couldn't really follow what he was saying because I was off in another world doing.... what they wanted me to do... So I just kept nodding and eventually "came back".

EDIT: I should clarify that often when I have visions, I don't have total control over what I'm doing in them (if I'm in them)...

But after the session was over, I was alone on the street again and almost did it. I came really really close.

Somehow a frozen yogurt store ended up saving the day...

So wait are you sure there would be no consequence in this world if you did it? For me I had the spirit world and the "real" world but they were linked. The rules were different but dead would still be dead you know...

I've seen myself kill myself or get killed so many times that I'm not sure when I'll hit the "maximum"... It seems I still have a few lives left. NOT THAT I AM TRYING ANYTHING SOON. And any time I've tried to kill myself in this world, something intervenes. Even when it was left completely up to chance. So I'm not sure I would define it as suicide strictly speaking.

The problem is that I get disoriented and it's hard to tell when I'm in a place where nothing counts or if I'm in my main body... I've tried writing things on myself to help differentiate them, but either the other bodies copy it or the ink fades. I think I need to do something more dramatic (no, not dangerous) that the other bodies won't naturally copy. I'm going to try dying my hair.

Yeah my only tip I was in the spirit or dream world was if something happened that couldn't possibility happen in the normal world but at some point I started having temperature changes associated with the worlds...I was supposed to use that as an indicator but I often cycled from hot to cold so fast that I forgot which world I was actually in.

It's weird, unless my visions are apocalyptic or involve death there's nothing outright unusual about them. The things I see in this world (distortions, demons) are the ones that should be impossible. But when you think you're about to die or the world is ending you don't have time to think it through if that makes sense...

I've actually come close to cutting my hair off on multiple occasions lol...