Roll Call 21

I've been manic for a while and pretty unstable, I wish I could go inpatient.

Why can't you?

Yeah people do this to me too I hate it!

Do you have a PRN med to take? Or can you call your pdoc and up your AP or something? That usually takes care of mania. Inpatient isn't all it's cracked up to be though so you want to avoid it if at all possible

I've been thinking about going back to Uni in September...I can either go back this Sept or Sept 2015 and, since I'm not getting good MH care here or the long term therapy I was promised, I figure it might be better for me to go back to my Uni pdoc sooner rather than later (though I won't get NHS therapy there either). Because they said I would get long term therapy, I was going to defer another year and do a few classes here next year (in silversmithing (adult ed) and counselling (local Uni)), but that's not going to happen now, so why put off finishing my MSc any longer?!

I'm scared about where I'm going to live though... I was so scared of cameras in my friend's house when I rented her spare room, but I'm also scared of living by myself in somewhere new and she's applying for a new job and so may be moving in August... Also I don't think my parents will think it's a good idea to go back this year :/

*Willow*

To me anything that gets you back to Uni pdoc sooner is good. Yeah the cameras are not good at your friends place can you get like a studio apartment or one bedroom that will accept pets...I think you would be better of with Max around...

Im sorry your feeling horrible.
There os no way that you can go to get help?(((hug))

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But what if I tell him all the horrible things they've done and he takes their side? What if he thinks he made a mistake giving me a diagnosis and decides that they're right, that I'm making it all up??

And what if the new place has cameras too?

And what if the Govt decide to stop my money because I'm faking and then I won't be able to afford to manage on my own?

And what if I'm too stupid to manage my course and I fail? Especially cos the pdoc here won't sign the Uni disability form cos they think I'm faking so I won't get any accommodations or a support worker...

(Just catastrophising out loud...)

*Willow*

Ok I seriously doubt he'll think he made a mistake but I will say a lot of your symptoms have changed since ect almost like a remission of some of the hallucinations/delusions until recently so he may change your dx...but he seems a lot more perceptive that your current one-off docs and you may get at minimum an antidepressant which I think might help you...

Cameras...didn't you think your friends mom planted the cameras? If it's only you and max no one can plant cameras...certainly max can keep people out while you are away...most landlords won't enter with an unsecured animal even if they have a key for 2 reasons pet may escape or may attack...

Honestly I think there is more chance the gov will stop your money while you are at home because your docs aren't supportive...I don't know how it is there but here you pretty much need a pdoc to sign off on your disability from time to time...

For the course...can't you just withdraw or take some sort of incomplete if things get too hard...besides why not get Uni pdoc to sign your forms if you are going there anyway....honestly even if you have to get a place to establish residency like a month in advance to get your paperwork done I would do that...

I'm still in college for 5 more weeks and I have work. I can't afford to go to the hospital and don't have the time sadly. My psychiatrist told me that every midterm and final that I have I will most likely get manic due to being rapid cycling (which means having four or more manic episodes in one year). Idr how to make a manic episodes better, I only know how to stop my schizophrenic symptoms.

Honestly if you think like that about it I'm not sure the hospital would help you anyway....it's pretty much a place to self-bind so that you don't hurt yourself or somebody else or if you need new meds. If you just need a break a vacation is the better choice and much cheaper even after insurance...some people will just check into a hotel overnight. I'll admit I don't know a ton about mania but wondering how your sleep is that tends to exacerbate everything. One study helped bipolar patients stabilize by giving them blue blocking sunglasses that they wore a few hours before bedtime to make them sleepy. I don't know how manic emotions manifest but standard emotions can be ramped up of down by your thought processes so if you're like midterm etc job etc worry etc it might help to reformat your thinking a bit like...yes these next few weeks will be intense but as I have handled them in the past I know I can do it again and everything will be fine....one thing I do when I have a lot to accomplish is set mini goals with rewards. If I do A we can get a pizza tonight if I finish B then I can play video games for a couple of hours to relax. That sort of thing. Pushing endlessly just tends to burn you out...there is sort of a balance to this and it helps a lot to see school or work as a game or fun challenge instead of so thing bad. I'm wondering if you are picturing the negative outcomes if you fail...why not picture the positives when you succeed and if you don't do well then you just try again until you do win or decide it's not suited for you. None of this is the end of the world. When I became psychotic a grant I was writing was potentially going to allow my best friend to keep her job but what if I failed? That kind of thinking caused me to be in the hospital at the critical time but you know what we just submitted it a few months later and got a top score. As it turns out my boss ended up replacing my friend despite getting the money so it was never in my control anyway...so all this drama leading to sickness for something that had no impact on my friend....so now I just kind of throw it out to the universe..I'll do my best but if it doesn't work out well life is complicated when one door closes another opens that kind of thing....

Sunsets reflected through Shattered Mirrors - Imgur

OK this link is just beautiful in and of itself but if you want more think about the fact that something most people consider broken is exactly what makes these photos so special and beautiful. Pretty uplifting and just plain pretty too!

You know I seem to have an awful lot of synchronicity in my life...just posted this mirror link and the chapter I started in the mental trash book is about distorted mirrors. The idea is that we rarely know what we are how strong how smart how kind etc...we rely on other peoples perceptions of us in order to make that determination but often people aren't really accurate in their judgements so we end up with the wrong ideas about ourselves. So the idea is that the reflection of yourself that the people surrounding you give you is distorted like looking in a broken mirror...

So if you think you are shy it's probably because someone told you that you were shy at some point and then you incorporated that and perhaps became more shy because of it...

A vacation would be very nice, idk if my boyfriend will allow it, but if he does I would take one in the middle of April because that's when I find out if I get accepted into the medical program I applied to and if I won several scholarships. There is a lot on my plate in April and generally April is when I get the most manic so that doesn't help. During my manic spree I bought a package for a personal trainer so I've been exercising more and sleeping better. I am hoping adding more risperdal will break me from this mess.

They look like stained glass which is pretty cool

Hey all, I'm in Texas visiting family!

junkDNA, happy belated birthday!

medicalfox I'm still in high school but I can definitely relate to midterms/school becoming a cycle of stress and relapse... Hang in there

I heard on a podcast something about increased intelligence and patternality that I can really relate to. The idea is that increased intelligence usually implies better pattern recognition, but that sometimes your pattern recognition can go into overdrive and you see patterns in random sets of information, resulting in strange beliefs and even delusions. I can definitely relate to this because I get delusions of reference about movies and songs having messages in them... or I see patterns in my hallucinations and the real world that make me get strange thoughts... yet at the same time I have a high IQ and I'm expected to be more "rational"... It was really interesting.

Cool do you know what podcast it was....this is definitely something I experienced but in my case it actually helped me in my job...science in the big picture sense is about making weird connections no one else sees but then you have to test them which it doesn't help with as much if they have become more delusional it's hard to get rid of them even if not true....

I decided to take an extra dose of my risperdal last night and expected to sleep in for 16 hours like last time, but I woke up at a normal time which means that I am really manic. My head feels a little bit better and I feel more stable, but I will keep my second dose up for a couple of days to see. I'm worried about how much risperdal can shrink your brain and possibly cause lactation.

I'm suppose to be on 6mg of risperdal, but I found that to be rather high and I haven't seen anyone on the forum with such a high dose so I stuck to a lower dose. Usually people with bipolar only take about 1mg of risperdal and the higher doses are for those with schizophrenia.

I don't know how long you've taken risperdal but has it caused weight gain and lactation for you in the past? If you experience lactation then perhaps you should look into trying a different AP.

I have gained weight, but not enough to want me to get off my medication and I have not experienced lactation. I'm just worried about what if it does happen. Zyprexa and abilify did not work for me very well which is why I like risperdal so much. I suppose I shouldn't worry about something that hasn't happened yet, but I can't help it :/

You just lower the dose you don't have to get off the med entirely....I had lactation on 3 mg but 2mg controlled 98% of my symptoms so I just went back down after a few days no biggie...it also doesn't just happen your boobs sort of grow bigger and may have some minor pain first...

Oh okay that's good to hear

Thanks Sometimes! I talked to my parents about it and they were worried, as expected, but they understand my reasons for wanting to return to Uni and Uni pdoc. They had a few things that they want me to demonstrate before I go to ease their worries, such as getting up earlier (and therefore taking my sleeping meds), showering more often, and socialising with strangers more often.

Thanks for this! It is truly beautiful!

I think this is a great idea and should help with the mania

I started on 1mg risperidone for the voices a few years ago, but it completely zombiefied me, even when we reduced it to 0.5mg. At first I felt really calm but then after 2 days I couldn't string a sentence together, which was really bad when I was working on the wards! Glad it works for you though

*Willow*

I've finally plucked up the courage to watch 'A Beautiful Mind'... I bought it a few months ago, but haven't watched it cos I have a feeling I'm going to end up crying... Will let you know how it goes.

*Willow*

It's a really good movie. It resonated a lot with me. I hope you enjoy it.

Just checking in....
Hope all is well with everyone. I know its the weekend because Roll Call is verrrry sloooow....

We did not go to visit Bean today as we have talked to her on the phone and realized visiting her would not help. It is a long drive and she is pretty unaware of herself right now, but we let her know how much we love her. Hoping by the middle of the week she will be a little more clear headed so we can visit.
Were really missing her here at home. Cant wait for her return to us. Cant wait to SEE her.

Medicalfox, Im sorry you're struggling.

Willow, Its a great movie. Really. You will like it I think. Ha...I just looked at the time. Im sure you have already watched it. So what did you think?