Roll Call 33

i added to my post

i just watched the lifetime movie "Starving in suburbia". I threw up in the middle of watching it because it reminded me of me. The only problem was i cant lose weight as fast as that girl was. idk how she did it. i know its only a movie but still. i know people on instagram that can lose that much weight that fast. idk how they do it. i wish i could. i use to be able to when i was younger.

I think it's because i want to enjoy the freedom of drinking like getting a new car where you want to drive it all the time but eventually get bored of it. I don't think it's alcoholism because I don't have a craving for alcohol like an alcoholic but no one seems to believe me.

look what i found on my cigarette this morning



it looked like a dark line of something that wouldnt burn. i couldnt take a very good pic of it because it was so small

i suspect perps

Went to see Shakespeare in the park with a friend....it was nice but my affect is so blunted right now due to the meds I can totally feel it...or rather not feel it...sucks...

ever since i watched that movie i cant stop throwing up. i feel disgusted with my body and that girl in the lead role was portrayed at starting at 128 pounds before getting anorexic but she looked skinny like 110 or 115 and it makes me feel disgusted

Why did you watch it?

everyones been talking about it on the anamia community on instagram and i was so curious to watch it. found it free on youtube. the full movie. it was a trigger i guess.

back on my diet today. or lifestyle change. BUT decided to go back on before i even watched that movie. maybe thats why i watched the movie. because im back to not eating again.

only ate 425 cals so far. 1000 is my limit but i should make it lower.

ANYWAY!

enough of that stuff tho because i need to talk about something else here. im having strong paranoia right now

newtus do u want to have an eating disorder? like is that ur goal? just wondering.

no i dont want to. im just trying really hard to lose weight. ive been eating less for 7 months now and havent lost any weight. ive also been exercising a bit. im just extremely upset that these meds have made me gain so much weight. im just trying to lose weight thats all. im145 pounds right now. but i go on instagram and look up anorexia because those people are the only people that are doing the same regimen im doing = eating less.

i see. there are healthy ways to lose weight and unhealthy ways. what tends to happen is people think that they can just restrict what they eat and the weight will drop off and stay off. but what really happens is when we starve ourselves our metabolism gets screwed up and eventually we binge eat. then what we have eaten in the binge is mostly turned to fat because our bodies are in survival mode. it simply is not sustainable to starve yourself. it may seem like the easy way to lose weight but it comes with a hefty price.

im sure u know all of this already though. obviously what u are doing isn't working like u want it to.

also throwing up ur food is soooooo bad for u. trust me. i suffer from the consequences of doing that still. and they wont go away. i have permanent symptoms from purging.

ive been told that many times now. i used to be able to eat less and lose weight and keep it off. but i was a teen then. i guess im getting older.

i dont want to have an eating disorder. i just wanna lose weight

i dont mean to spew all that out here. im just talking about my life on here but yea

i havent taken my meds for a week now

They are watching me. They have agents all over my school not only to try to brainwash me and torment me, but to brainwash everyone else as well I need to escape but if I do they will give people a reason not to believe me

Here is the thing if the only people doing your regimen have anorexia what does that say about that regimen?

You can do diet and exercise but not less than 1200 calories a day but one of the best things you can do is make sure is add in fruits vegetables and high fiber items rather than trying to cut stuff out....

Try something like the south beach....it was made by a dr......

i see. so far ive eaten 515 calories and its hard for me to eat more. idk why. when i was a littler skinnier i didnt eat much. i just physically couldnt. prob how i stayed skinny. but now everything that goes in my mouth seems to goto fat. i just chalk it up to getting older.

i will take your advice tho sometimesp.

So my mom made her first demand of our time living together. I feel like her slave. She wanted me to find sheets to put on my brother's bed, so I did. He said he could put them on the bed himself, which seems reasonable (my brother is 17).

When I went to tell my mom about the sheets, she asked me if i had put them on the bed. When I told her my brother was going to do this, she looked at me with this look in her eye that she gets before she gets really angry and said "well, you better put them on then."

It seems like such a minor thing, but it is a symptom of a larger disease. I always bend over backwards to avoid conflict in our house, and quite frankly, my mother has taken advantage of that. She always complains that we never help her, but fails to thank us when we do.

I've been feeling really sui lately. I think I might be mildly depressed. I just feel ready to give up. My life is so hard. I have a mental illness, I'm queer, no one understands me, I've never been in a relationship, people (including my own family) walk all over me. Really, any rational person would have ended it years ago, given my situation.

I'm not going to act on these urges tonight, so don't worry about me. It's just...ugh. I really wish that someone in my life would care about me as deeply as I care about them.

I hate my life.

hope everyones having a good sunday night

My Dr. Lost lot of body fat index with Dr. Bernstein diet & dancing to the Zumba tape.

ive been on facebook all day. i cant believe it. i rarely do that.

Bernstein's is one of a number of good low carb diets.