Roll Call 34

theres 4 helicopters circling my area...

Similar events occurred with me before- it was scary

Hey everyone. I had forgot to take a risperdal. I took it and it helped. Then I took a little nap.

I'm so thankful that I have u guys. Man, my family really doesn't understand either. They don't really even try to. But they help in other ways and I guess that's the best they can do. Why did I have to lose both my parents? I really do feel like an orphan. I tried to replace my mom with my sister Mickey but it isn't working. My mom was warm and comforting. My sister Mickey is not as cold as my other sister, but doesn't understand. I'm pretty much on my own during the hard times. But u guys do understand.

Thanks for being there.

So only got about 2 more hours of sleep. I don't feel horrible though. But I probably will later. My eyes hurt though...

hey everyone howd yall sleep

i guess i will see what happens at work today to determine if my shot helped anything or not. working 2 to 8. i really hope things are different today in that regard

I slept pretty well but I'm so used to getting relatively poor sleep that it just made me feel shattered when I woke up.

Never understood how oversleeping makes you feel tired.

I'm feeling really paranoid. I took another risperdal. I'm really paranoid. How do you guys deal with it? I took congentin too bc if I take more than 1mg of risperdal in a short period of time I get akathisia. How do you guys handle the paranoia?

I actually don't remember waking up until 6am which means I got a solid 8...wow!

You?

i got better sleep than last 2 nights but still not enough. i dont feel complete this morning. my mind feels broken. and i hated waking up to the reality that my therapist quit on me. that sucked.

i dont really have a way to handle the paranoia. after all these years i still dont have any coping skills for paranoia. idk what to do actually.

I was the opposite..I thought everyone wanted to help me...it was equally delusional...I don't know if there is a way to flip it to grandiose like that or why that happens but sometimes you have to know the alternatives exist to try to get there.....sorry I have no idea if that's helpful or not but it's all I've got on this one

hey paranoia is hard to deal with for me too. my T got this book about it and i find it helpful. i cant find a link to it online but it's by Milt Greek

For me I just try to avoid any triggers. It's not always possible but if you know people walking past the window make you paranoid for example, then close the blinds.

Out with that, I really don't know.

my therapist only ever sat in 1 of my pdocs appts. im sad...

I thought you didn't really want her there with your pdoc?

i didnt at first and the reason was because i was embarrassed to say that i heard voices or was paranoid in front of her and with my pdoc listening AND my dad watching. but i got over it a bit. only a little bit. but i guess im just mourning the loss of my therapist really...

i added to my thread too

i really dont want to be home alone for this 3 day weekend but im gonna be. i just feel really bad and depressed about everything. i feel almost like my therapist has died or something. sigh...

Not good at all, trying to remain upbeat and positive but it's all bull**** really, just something on the surface to keep everyone else happy. I got offered this job but I don't want it, I can't do it. I just don't fit in here, never have. I can't do society. I'm making peace with the fact it's time to go. I'm really scared but I can't stay, I can't do this anymore. Going to ring my doctor on Monday to exhaust all avenues of getting help but I'm done, at least then I can say I tried. Ah f*** it anyway.

Have you applied for disability? Nobody wants you to go just because you don't fit in we are all like the island of misfit toys here. Surely there must still be something in this world you would still like to see or do?

Unemployment works kind of differently over here, I'm unemployed but get the same as someone on disability so there's not much point going for it.

I just can't do society if that makes any sense. I can't be what everyone wants me to be, I can't be what I want me to be! Sorry for this self loathing. I've made up my mind. Want to contact my psychiatrist first so there's no doubt when I'm gone that I tried. Any inquest will hear that.

For sure talk to your pdoc....I get why you can't be what others want but why can't you be what you want you want to be or do?

Because I have these really high aspirations for myself and they're just not happening. It's my dream to have a degree in Comp Science but I just can't get there. I want to be a programmer, but I just can't get there. I'm talking about taking the easy way out, but I'm not sure if that'll be the bravest thing I'll ever achieve. Just took a bunch of olanzapine to knock myself out for a while, need to get through this weekend.

I know I'm done, what else can be done? Putting me in hospital doesn't help resolve anything, just gets me through to the next crisis. There's always another and another and another.

Well I can tell you in the US most people who get computer science degrees end up doing something boring instead of the fun google/apple style stuff....all the cool people drop out after a couple of years so don't let the lack of a degree get you down on that one. You can learn on your own if that works better for you. My friends husband is actually going to work for google soon he pretty much teaches himself everything. Why not make an app or something....

You could actually specialize in stuff from a MI perspective if you wanted. I know the other day I wished I had google glass with kind of a switch that would throw back the last 30 seconds of audio/video to check for hallucinations....most non MI people would never even think about that except in a dash cam. If you made something like that you'd be helping a lot of people who are confused about what is real or not, possibly including yourself...just an idea.

My point is nontraditional is the way to go in comp sci....even back in my day the schools were behind the reality And people were complaining....one of the google founders even went to my school during that period and dropped out. Don't give up yet.....

Feels great to not be at school... Away from a lot of the mind control.
I made a homemade water distillery. I don't want to drink all that nastiness in regular tap so....