Roll Call 34

so i just saw my therapist.

it was really pleasant. shes been so gentle with me today and usually is. i told her that for a long time i saw her as a mother figure because i did. and she said she wouldve been proud to be my mom. she reestablished that its only a professional relationship tho. it was still nice to hear what she had to say though. very nice. she said i need to speak up and say my feelings more. yea i need to. i told her about my gangstalking again and she listened very carefully to me and didnt interrupt.

it was very pleasant
i was so happy to see her!!!

sadly i only see her 1 more time for good

she brought in the other therapist and introduced me to her. i didnt like that

I'm glad u had a good session. What did you think of the new therapist?

I have a very good friend who has sz. I'm really worried about her. She's not sleeping much. She's tried almost all of the antipsychotics. She says out of all of them haldol works the best, but it causes brain fog for her really bad. She's extremely intelligent. I just wish I knew how to help her. Ugh...mental illness sucks. But she is taking a high dose of seroquel, but she said she needs to add on haldol bc the seroquel doesn't help all of her symptoms she said. I hope she decides to give it another chance...

Sunshine - I have to take medication because I'm on a CTO.

she seemed alright i guess. take into consideration that im not entirely happy still with whats going on. this change of therapists and my therapist leaving. im still very sad.

Newtus - glad you had a good session today, it sucks that she is leaving though

Saw my solicitor today, he said I won't be getting off my CTO.
I'm not looking forward to the tribunal.

I haven't seen my psychologist in months..

My mind is soooo foggy and will be until my next Ritalin script I hate it

Do you have to appear at your tribunal?

Even if you are not getting off your CTO, making a good impression there will give you ammunition for the future. A stepping stone if you will. It's an opportunity even if you don't see it that way anymore.

i miss my therapist already

Are you going to do something special for her last session? I got mine fancy chocolate----it was one of those you've given me so much I want to give you something kind of things----I also put a card in there that she was like the best or something. it's nice to have that memory of the closing session that I did something positive....

Thanks

I think they probably skipped the 3 month check-up because I was making good progress with the SSRIs & a couple of sessions. Just said to do my annual check up with my GP.

It's more my GP that seems to just write things off as hypochondria. I think I was barking up the wrong tree at times with my CPN trying to pass off some of my returning symptoms as possible AS. Never occurred to me that I was relapsing... I was in denial for a fair while after my symptoms went away last year.

As for the coffee shop thing... problem is I am prone to getting paranoid around people. Think people are following or watching me.

I did manage to go out to the park today which was good mostly. Going to the shops at like 11am seemed ok too because town was quite quiet.

I second this suggestion.

I'm sorry about that Kureha. I know how much you want to get off it

It's so nice to actually read something positive about your T. I think that's why we've been so confused about why you are so attached to her, because I can't recall you saying anything positive about her before.

Why didn't you like that?

Thanks for the hug Yes, denial is very powerful. I hope your referral comes through soon.

That's great that you got out! I get anxious too, but I think that we have to power through it because avoidance just makes the fear grow. It is hard though

*Willow*

Willow - Thanks.

Lawscot - Yeah I have to be there.
I'm not sure I will be able to make a good impression, because they will have read the report.

i dont know whats appropriate to give her. plus i have a feeling she wouldnt take anything. i would like to give her a drawing maybe

I wouldn't give anything big/expensive as most don't accept gifts. I think a drawing or a thank you card would be fine, but she may have a policy to not accept anything, so you will have to prepare yourself for that.

*Willow*

I think a drawing would be perfect!

The general recommendation is just a card but often the bans are lifted for the last session because it can no longer impact the therapy.....if they haven't spelled it out to you I think something inexpensive is acceptable....I even got a hug.....so the rules sort of lift for many T's but yes some have rigorous rules and will not bend.....

I've never given a gift, but I have made thank you cards for particular people that went above and beyond. Ironically my parents actually gave a thank you card and tin of sweets to the ******** on the psych ward that assaulted me - how F'd up is that!!?

*Willow*

yeah some Ts wont accept gifts at all, some Ts will accept inexpensive gifts or handmade things. I've given my T many things like toys for his office and stuffed animals. but they stay in his office (or used to...but he moved offices).

i had another good day. i got a call an hour before i was supposed to go into work and the bookkeeper told me they are cutting hours and i don't need to come in.

my friend showed me an article about the girl that died from a heroin overdose in Feb. she was in the program im in. someone mailed her heroin and cocaine in a package and she overdosed in her room on campus. well apparently the state bureau of investigation and the detectives here tracked the package back to philedelphia and found out who sent it. they extradited the man to my county and he will be charged with 2nd degree murder. i think that's a good thing. he was creepy looking too.

Wow yeah it took like two years for me to give a card to pdoc and I went in voluntarily....but so long as I thought I might ever go back in I could not thank him in any way it was like thanking a cop for giving you a ticket.....yours is so much worse though...

So I was looking through some of my notepads of things I drew when I was little and have been coming across of some strange things...I was wondering if these could have been an indication of my schizophrenia even at that age? I had some weird things I drew and some poems that made no sense even for a kid,here I will write one out its a little hard to read though so I may miss a word or two. There once was a lady named scuzzle patootoo she rode on the dragon in the deep blue The people all watched and smiled at the little child she had two faces one was black and one was gold she liked kitties and puppies and mold and she liked to eat grape candy she liked to pick dandy lions and play with clothing irons there is more written but I cant read it all some of it had what looks like juice spilled and stained over it... but I think it is really weird..

I never gave Uni pdoc a thank you card, not because he hasn't tried to help me, but because I feel slightly awkward thanking him for it. I sometimes wish I could see him now though, because he would believe me and tell me to stop being silly and take meds...but then I don't really want to take meds and I sometimes resented his pro-med position because he forced me to take them in the past when I was a medstudent for fitness to practise (basically blackmailed me)...but then I also felt that he actually took me seriously (because I tend to minimise everything) and that he cared about me. But I'm also kind of annoyed with him cos if he hadn't encouraged me to defer last year, I wouldn't have come home and been assaulted & then dismissed by this CMHT.

T wants me to practise being a better friend to myself, and if my friend was going through what I am, I would be kind to her and encourage her to take meds as well as see a T, tell her she did deserve to get help and feel better...but I still don't feel that I'm worth all that...

Just feeling really mixed up about it...

If I did try to make an appt, I'd have to be up really early to ring for an emergency appt, otherwise I'd have to wait 3 weeks for a routine slot and I'd probably chicken out/dismiss everything again by then...but then I don't feel like it's a life or death emergency either, just me being silly... :/

*Willow*

I think it sounds cool and it makes too much sense to be an indicator of illness in my opinion....