Roll Call 62

My disorganized thoughts are getting a lot worse. I can't have a one minute conversation without forgetting what I'm talking about. I pause for a long time to the point that I get really frustrated and upset with OCD making me obsessive causing me to think about how I'm going to lose the thought. I only can't look at people in the eyes ever since I've heard about such a thing. OCD makes me look away because other people can't do it.

I need to know why my mom was crying this morning. I think I was too symptomatic last night forgetting my glasses on the table, going back and leave the juice that was on the table that my step dad pointed out. I can't see what he was showing me. Making tea and taking out peanut butter, coffee, not knowing what I was doing so I told them that my meds were making me feel really stupid or that it's the illness.

She had tears I think and I can't handle that. I want to stop my meds but starting on Tuesday, I'll have all my meds and I'll be content, in control..

And I'll make my family proud.

I believe that I'm some sort of a genius. There's a huge connection with everything. I keep thinking of really amazing thoughts and forget. They are connected. I can then solve the worlds problems.

I know that's a bit symptomatic (like a delusion of grandeur but I have to have a big ego or high self esteem to deal with my life) but I really believe that I have an amazing potential but my motivation is gone if I don't take Concerta. When it wears off, I try to write and delete while giving up so I go to bed.

This is the main reason as to why I get high. So I can focus and figure things out and basically kill my lack of motivation coming from schizophrenia because the lack of motivation in ADHD doesn't get this bad.

I believe that I'm a threat to the world because things that I think about sometimes.

I couldn't write this without Concerta. Only a few sentences. Right now, Concerta just made me type this not thinking that I always write like 10x more.

Chemicals, everything. It makes no sense. We know nothing about the brain and these drugs.

Also, methylphenidate stops the bad akathesia of being on Abilify.

It's not making sense.

Worst part is that I have a label and I'm treated like everyone else and not individually, ignoring the fact that our brains aren't just different, but COMPLETELY different. More than a personality that is influenced by others which also changes the brain chemistry as well.

I'm so lonely. In another hour it will be getting dark. I hate the earlier nights and later mornings. I'm so depressed.

I'm kind of depressed. I feel like sleeping but I already took a nap.

Got rides scheduled for Tuesday and Thursday for group. I'm looking forward to going, hopefully getting out of the house for a few hours brightens things up

i feel slightly depressed too. my moms not receptive to how i feel. everythings awkward here. i wanna slip out and go home without telling anyone.

i was laying around tired on the bed and my mom yelled at me and said "do you just want to be drugged up and laying in bed and have someone at your bedside talking to you all day? is that what you want?".

i threatened to leave

That's all I do is lean on my dam bed. I don't have anyone to talk to unless I call the crisis line.

im lucky i have my dad but hes not home alot

im too tired to drive so im staying at my moms but early early early in the morning im gonna leave. like 7am

I'm watching The Great Gatsby. I feel so old.

The tenant in the next room is playing guitar and singing.

I always say I'm going to do something but I don't.

I told my grandad that I would learn guitar before he past away but my teacher isn't good and 10 dollars a week was a lot at that time when the economy in Ireland collapsed.

Right now I'm just thinking about organization on paper and to work on my English course or just go to bed ..

I'm buying new clothes for fall and a nice winter coat.

Always nice to get new clothes!

I bought myself a new jacket yesterday, a beige Harrington jacket. It's not exactly a winter coat but it should do alright. Our winters aren't usually that harsh.

The winters aren't too bad here in Kentucky either, I like the cold but I like being warm in it if that makes any sense. I'm from upstate New York so I know how rough winters can be and the ones here are nothing in comparison

morning
im home.

i told yall i was leaving early in the morning. i left at 7:40am. home now.

gonna have some coffee.

Good morning :]

i need to learn to be alone. its not easy. ill tell you that right now. i feel lonely right now but thank god im not being verbally abused and im so glad im home. its stuff like with my mom that makes me not want to talk to anybody at all and isolate. badly. i keep trying to get close to her and she pushes me away sentence by sentence.

i bought this camera to add to my cameras collection and take photographs. i like photography.

It's cold on here (I still have the AC on) but if I turn the AC off it will get hot and then it might not turn back on. I haven't made coffee yet and I really should. Feel fogged up in my mind. I stayed in bed much too late.

i keep thinking on about getting my bachelors degree and this university. if i cant drive an hour because of too tired of being on meds what do i do? if i cant handle being alone i cant get an apartment there.

i know you all say things may change but ive been like this for years and nothing has changed this far into the game. meaning yet.

i feel i might have to postpone my degree. thats how i honestly feel.

In all honesty you should just do what is best for you, if you feel it's not the right time for you to take more independence & do a degree then waiting won't do any harm.

its such a shame to have to postpone it. ive been in college since 2007. ive been postponing my degree for a year now - just got back into it. i had many hospitalizations in the beginning. i should be done by now especially with an associates degree but im not. thats a two year degree. im embarrassed it gonna take 6 years to do a two year degree or more than 6 - maybe 7.

and i still prob wont be getting a bachelors degree before 30 years of age. that was my goal. i had 10 years to do that goal and i most likely failed.

i have to push myself because if i dont ill end up nowhere and i know that about myself. i know ill prob be sitting around on my butt if i dont push myself.

but thats the key isnt it? to push yourself. but its hard. its really hard. because now i dont just have schizophrenia. now i have schizophrenia AND im on meds that make it harder to live.

---------------
idk what im getting at right now. because i would crap my pants knowing i had to live alone - but then i couldnt drive. not 3 times a week. thats 6 hours of driving a week at the least.

my therapist went to this school she said. she said she drove everyday. she said i shouldnt live alone. she advised against me living alone. idk why. but it doesnt help.

i need to do some research on living there. i already know the driving aspect. its an hour there and back.

nm what i said.
im scared to death doing it either way. but id hate to postpone my education further since ive been in college since 2007. it sucks.

Well I had my coffee (with lots of sugar). It was good. I still feel very foggy though. I have to order in some food and I don't feel up to that.