Roll Call 62

People often repeat the same things here on roll call too, why is that different for you?

id rather die too. i imagine Hurting myself but im scared ishless to. im a dummy. screw me.

Have you talked to your therapist about this? Do you think you need to be inpatient? It may be beneficial, they can adjust your medicine much faster than they can outpatient and its better than getting to the point where you're taken involuntarily

because i dont have to leave my house. and theres always new people at group. the old people dont always show up.

PLUS i can relate to topics here better than there. theyre always talking about drug and alcohol issues. HERE if someone posts something about drug/alcohol use or anything that im not relating to i dont have to reply or even read. they make me listen to this stuff. plus its long its almost two hours long of sitting in a chair and i fidget around. im uncomfortable around people that i dont know and because my meds make me tired i just wanna lay in bed.

HERE i can come and go as i please 24/7. there its once a week i have very little time to share my issues before the leader goes into AA-ishlike topics.

!!!bottomline im not interesting in sitting in a chair for two hours being lectured on stuff i dont go through. i want to hear everyone to speak and share and i want to reply on stuff im going through. i get more help here than i get anywhere else and i feel more comfortable on here. theres a set of people here that always come back and i feel comfortable with them. im interested in hearing my friends struggles on here. at group i have to sit through stuff im not even going through.

Recently I did go to a therapist once at the clinic. I have another appointment scheduled a week after the psychiatrist next month. That's why I dont want to go to the pcp, too many appointments! I missed the therapy appointment I had this month for therapy.

Newtus, maybe try getting involved in an art group/club or something different

no because shell put me in inpatient.

when they put you in hospital - at least me - they put me on strong meds and it shocks my body into this abnormal state of being drugged up. ive been hospitalized 20 times so i know how my experience is going to be.
the hospitals are subpar here.

i try hard to better my surroundings. i isolated myself from my mom a bit and i felt better. i talked to my sister yesterday i felt better. im taking vitamins and trying to eat right. i take less meds so i can be more active and not so tired all the time. i doing school and thats another reason i cant be hospitalized or i miss assignments and miss class. the hospitals here dont care what your doing in your life. they just stabilize you and i am stablized. im just having hiccups of this or that like anxiety and every once and awhile depression or psyhosis. which ill always have. otherwise i might as well be institutionalized for the rest of my life and hold this fear of the outside world. im trying hard to psych myself up for moving or driving to school in the future. im taking my dad to get wellness checkups soon so i dont worry about him.

my mind is just like idk add or adhd or something. if im not challenged im bored. i get bored easy and lonely even easier.

ive thought about millions of things. everything from church fellowship missions to something as simple as a photography group but the area i live in limits me. id have to drive far to get somewhere. thats why i sometimes even hate going to the grocery store. they dont offer that kind of stuff where i live.

i feel like i got the literal brunt of the stick by my parents seperating. they seperated and we had to move here out in the far rural. i lost my friends i had and oppurtunities.

i feel a lot could be changed but it just cant. i have no control over where i live.

I've lost about 2 pounds

That's great!

It looked ok from the little bits I watched. My concentration is just so bad it's hard to sit through a movie unless I'm really interested in it. I should force myself to sit through some films though, I think it would help.

I'm a bit like that with the weekends, if I'm not working I find I don't enjoy them as much, but me and my fiancee usually have a few drinks and listen to tunes on a Friday so I'm looking forward to that.

That sounds nice, do you have anywhere nice around to hike or do you travel?

That's great, well done!

This place is about 1.5 hours away....

I can't wait to order some new clothes next week. I only have one pair of pants that fits me. I need some stuff for the Autumn/Winter weather. Getting 2 more pairs of pants, 3 long sleeved shirts, a fleece jacket, and a winter coat

Start out with walks every day. Have your headphones on if you like. A park maybe? Or go down town and just walk to be around people. Sit and a bench and people watch. Or you could bring a book somewhere peaceful like a park. The ultimate thing to have if you want to be extra social-- GET A DOG! Everyone loves a pup.

Have you tried church? Talking about de-isolating. What a support group that can be. Try anything by Margret Antwood. You might like her. Try her book the Hand Maidens Tale. Superb.

i just had a weird interaction with my T. i texted him about a deer i almost hit with my car. he said oh no, i said im ok, bla bla bla. he asked me if i am gonna pick up this lady that was in the group with us. we live near each other and she cant get there anymore i guess. if you remember we texted about this the other day and i got upset. i thought i made it pretty clear i didnt want to do that but maybe he thought i was just being really emotional. so he asked me again and i basically told him that i dont want to do it but i feel pressured. that i dont trust people. that i feel like i should quit the group. he said oh lord. calm down. you dont have to do anything. i said i am calm! which... i am . i am pretty freakin calm right now. he said 'clearly'. i told him maybe i am misinterpreting something but i get the feeling hes angry with me. he said no im not angry.

maybe its just the way we were communicating via text and i couldnt gauge his tone and demeanor. but i did feel like he was getting mad at me. what do you guys think? i know you dont know my T but we are pretty straightforward with each other, so it could just be him doing that or hes actually mad at me because i wont pick up this lady.

I don't think he's mad but maybe disappointed he won't be able to help this woman.....

thats how i feel... like he blames me for that.

What's everyone doing tonight?

I'm just watching Futurama

Well it's not really your fault but I do get the sense he's trying to push you out of your comfort zone because he thinks you're ready to move on to better things both socially and work wise...but I could be wrong. One of the final steps in dealing with certain situations is being able to help others though the same thing. It's possible he thought you were ready....

I'm leaning on my bed, wondering what I want to watch on TV. And whether I'll eat the second half of my sandwich.

im watching the pope

maybe this is true. i think he was starting to push me because of what i mentioned a few weeks ago regarding my financial situation and my plan. i just feel really confused about everything and not sure what to do about any of it. job...friends...my apartment..school. i feel like its time for things to change but i dont feel ready. all of this boils down to my fear of my disability being taken away. and my thoughts of having to end my life if that does happen.

anyway... i will see T on saturday.

Do you have a disability review coming up or something or are you afraid to work too much?

im afraid of my disability ending too

my review is due soon. im expecting it early next year. i dont work near enough. but i am afraid i do not qualify anymore. but i dont know. my T said my illnesses are severe. he said he would write a letter to them. i guess i am afraid of taking this money and not actually qualifying for it. maybe i do, i just dont know. maybe i am not thinking clearly about all of this