Roll Call 75

My grandad's not well. He's struggling to stand and to walk. His back is so bad. It's his cancer. It spread to his bones a while ago. Now it's really affecting him. I feel so helpless. I want to make him feel better but I can't.

It sounds like a good idea to get at least some of it out. Just enough to avoid the hospital. I'm sorry it's so hard for us to put a voice to our problems.

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I'm sorry. Cancer sucks

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I came to my moms. She's at work. She put some stuff out for me to sort thru if I wanna keep or not. One of them is a giant binder from that troubled teen program she put me in against my will for 8 months. It was abusive and investigated and shut down for child abuse. I read all my writings and now I'm feeling bad. Remembering those times and kinda wondering what has really changed...I know I've changed a lot but I could still relate to some of it. I got myself to put I down and come outside. I think I'm just gonna throw it in the trashz

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If if brings back bad memories if toss it.

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I'm sorry you had to go through that Junk. Look how much you've overcome though. I don't think I'd have that strength if I had been put through that. You're a right auld legend so you are!

I don't know why my mother in law insists on coming over at dinner time. It drives me insane. Time for another prn.

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thanks valley and chicken. im gonna throw it in the trash bin outside

Blah she puts me so on edge. I turn into insta***** and then I hate myself for it.

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i got into an argument with my mom...over why she has been visiting my sister so much. i guess part of me is jealous that she gets all this attention with her boyfriend then gets attention on getting married for a year and then gets attention for the rest of her life with this baby...
it was really over why cant my mom see me more yet shes always in my sisters life. id just like someone to be in my life like that. no one is. im vying for my her attention and im pushed off frequently for other things...

um idk...
i just...i dont understand.
i cant believe im sorta blatantly honest on here. she says she doesnt know me because i dont tell her stuff and when we are together we dont talk. i guess i see it differently.

then she says i was never supposed to be born...

i wish someone could bring me into the light of understanding. after im dad and gone these PC posts will be like my journal forever entered into the internet.

how depressing...

wow i rambled. i couldve gone on too.
im so sorry...

forgive me

Who wants to do my political science homework

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Never believe any of that.

I know you're a very good person.

I'm sorry she talks to you so badly . I understand wanting her in your life.

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she said during my last sui attempt my dad didnt seem concerned for me but rather more concerned about my car getting towed away from the scene.

i donf believe that.

i definitely need some sort of confirmation as to why my sister and i get unequal treatment. yet my sister says why i should i be mad over my mom when my dad gives me all the attention and not her.

something just doesnt sit well with me.
and it hasnt for 20 years.

thank you.
i try to be.
actually i just want to be loved and shown love.
i guess thats something i dont get much of and i cant see it when it happens.

Sorry newtus! My mom use to say things like that to me when I was younger. Now I bring it up and she can't remember it. People say stuff they don't mean. But the damage is done. I'm trying not to be jealous too. Do your thing and never mind then. Focus on you!

That's pretty normal thinking newtus. There's always one in the family who is the favourite. My mam and dad don't give a **** about anyone other than my brother, even though he's a wanker most of the time. It happens. Such is life and all that.

do you guys think i speak in a puzzling way? my sister and mom always say i do. but i cant recognize it. i just wonder if its a symptom.

Valley take a breather! Having company on a Sunday night is hard especially if it's your mother in law. My mother in law lives with us so you can imagine after being with my husband since high school all I had to put up with. It's gotten better but it wasn't easy. Good luck!

i guess i just cant get over it.
i need both my parents more than anything.

it like shes my moms favorite and im my dads.
thats how it seems to be.

but what do you expect with two people who claim they were never married and had one child between them and then sees me so seperately from every one of their other children theyve had...

ill try to help you with your homework junkdna if you need help

Ah man this xanax has me wasted. Thankfully I only have a weeks supply or I could get used to this.

wasted? what mg?

Unfortunately you're just going to have to get over it. It's not your problem, as in it's not because of you. There's little you can do to change her opinions as you've demonstrated. You're going to have to come up with mechanisms to move on from it, maybe with your therapist. It sucks but just remember it's not you, it's her. She's the one with the problem. Believe me, I know what you're going through. My parents treat me very similarly to what you're describing. I'm not invalidating your feelings at all, it's feckin hard man. Personally I just got reminded of it all today in my own situation. Makes me feel so damn small. But there's nothing I can do. I just gotta move on and learn to accept it.