Roll Call #79

my old cat, spook, would pee in his crate when in the car.

going to work at 3. probly going to get a talking to about something that happened on wednesday

I'm cleaning house today. Being an adult is so exciting lol!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I got a few books at the library yesterday. One I'm reading now is called "The Buddhist and the Borderline" I don't technically have BPD but can relate to a lot of it, especially in the past.

Sent from my A463BG using Tapatalk

I love that book!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Heading camping tomorrow. Beautiful weather, big group of friends, right by the sea, going to get absolutely flutered!!!! Irish Cider && Russian Vodka! What could possibly go wrong!

Im almost livid. I call the clinic to talk to either the director or an available counselor. They put me through 2-3 people before I landed on the physician receptionist. really?

things are not ok. i havent seen a therapist in over a month. luckily i have a new one next week. im having home life issues and im just generally stressed over school. may seem like not much but im drinking over it, quite a bit. which leads me to think im trying to use alcohol to calm my nerves from stress, boredom and sadness/loneliness.

i call back. demand to speak to the director. i get his voicemail. i mostly likely will now not hear from him til monday as its a late friday. (they are closed on weekends).

what makes me pretty upset is that everyone knows me there because i goto group, have seen counselors there, pdoc there, and have had many many many appointments with the peer support specialists there in the past year....and im still treated like a number in a filing system. ive been going there 6 years. but im still not used to being treated like a number. i understand my past being treated like crap because ive had psychotic episodes but NOT like a number. in my mind i thought i built a rapport there with everyone including the receptionists.

dont get me wrong i believe there are a few people there that would kindly stick up for me. and i shouldnt be but i am surprised that i was put through to a receptionist in the physicians department to talk to.

on another note, she tried to "sell" the pcp to me, ya know? but i told her i have an outside physician. she acted like she was surprised that someone with medicare ooooo has other doctors besides in that clinic. yea my whole life is not in that clinic...

/rantover

Not to rain on your rant, but the receptionist may only have been thinking about the new amount of paperwork with your doctor not part of the clinic.

that was a long rant.

but they have a number where you can call for crisis. or some sort of number you press on your keypad for minor crises when you call the clinic. so i called and did everything i was supposed to do to be put through to a counselor. ive never been put through to a receptionist. always a counselor. i was really angry at the time this happened but couldve been their mistake because i called back demanding to speak to the director (who knows me extremely well and could have put me to the right person. even he is used as counselor if its an emergency because if im correct, he has a doctorates in psychology, or something to that extent). anyway i still never got ahold of a counselor or him.

oh well. they couldve been busy.

Probably, short week and more work. (((((((Newtus))))))))

I'm on edge because someone is trying to hack my phones again.

Happy Birthday Blue_Bird!

Thanks Loial

Sent from my A463BG using Tapatalk

Happy birthday blue_bird.

Rough therapy session. I cried the entire time.

Happy bday blue bird!!!!

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

Felt very close to hospital material last night.
Thankfully I am feeling better today.

What's going on?

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

Sorry valley hope things get better soon

Sent from my A463BG using Tapatalk

I am so excited. I woke up to lots of happy birthdays here and on Facebook. My family is bringing over the furniture set they're giving me today, plus they're buying me a TV, and I got a package in the mail from my friend I went to group with in Kentucky. I also get to see my brother. Best of all, I'm in my own place with my cats and we're happy.

Sent from my A463BG using Tapatalk

Happy birthday! So glad things are working out for you

My bf had a frank discussion with me yesterday and said I'm getting too used to doing nothing. He's right. My motivation is at an all time low, I can barely be bothered to get dressed. I need to get my act together and get a job. Doing my cv tomorrow and going to go round handing it out next week with bf.
Who knows if it's part of my sz or if I'm just horrible and lazy

Met with T. It went well. He wrote down all my goals and the steps toward them to help me sort it all out in my jumbled brain. He asked me if I am feeling paranoid. He said I am acting a little paranoid. I didn't realize it till he mentioned it. I said yeah maybe. I have to go to my cousins wedding tonight so I'm in a crowded store buying something to wear

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

Probably a bit your illness, but also being unemployed for any significant amount of time makes it hard to motivate yourself... as does the fact these days getting a job is a very drawn out process.

I think it's like lots of little things that add together. I don't really think laziness comes into it although people might see it like that on the outside.

I think all it takes is one thing to go right, then it'll be much easier.

At least that's what I am telling my lazy arse...

...god

a decade of my life will have gone by and the only real thing ill have to show for it is my loneliness. having been in this tiny house in the country for almost 10 years with just a miniscule amount of human contact compared to the other years. god knows ive tried to show something for it.

i feel like a 90 year old woman who has been in the same house for 50 years and lost everything in between. the amount of loneliness that i feel is completely indescribable. its affecting everything in my life. sometimes i feel as if nothing will make me content or happy. anybody else i know has a person in the house with them for most of the day. people would break down if they were this alone. nobody understands because everybody i know has someone with them at home.

i dont know what else to say. i feel like im homeless...but homeless in my mind. alone. its spilling out into reality.

Your loneliness for a decade shows me nothing but your strength. You are right, most people would break down if they were put in your situation. God knows how hard you've been trying to do the best, your youtube channel, your blog, and how you strive to finish school are just some of the proofs. I am sorry for what you've been through and I am sorry I can do nothing but praying for the best for you, you have a tender heart, I believe one day all of your kindness to others will come back to you