Roll Call 144

i'm looking on torrid which is a company own by hot topic. they are basically a hot topic clothing store for plus size women.

oh i'm upset for my stepmom right now...

they posted an obituary of her mom today and it doesn't have her name in it. that's a big **** you to her. i'm pissed.

Well that’s a real **** thing to do. Km sorry. That’s just cruel.

i know right. I'm spoiling the hell out of my stepmom tomorrow. that's ******.

I feel so alone and a gf/bf wouldn't help with that. It's a different type of alone. Like when the sun goes down and it's dark and you just feel that demon tap you on the shoulder.. You know it's scary but you continue to do what you're doing when you'd prefer it to be daylight.. like alone in the universe and when I die, I go to a place where everyone disappears.. I sit in a white room...

I really want to pull an all nighter lately, not sure why tbh. Maybe im just feeling self destructive

I believe most people are dissociated from their thoughts in some way. I think sex, eating, adrenaline induced fun, dancing makes people dissociated in some way. The more they are dissociated, the more likely they are to do those things (Unless they are naturally content and happy and identify with their happy thoughts - Then they can be more into dancing and what not and feel it more) It induces happiness. I barely do any of those things. Usually I'm too INTO my thoughts and AM my depressing thoughts that when I take a dissociative, I disconnect and am able to LOOK AT my thoughts and see them and judge them and change them. Then I see happiness. Like therapy.

But if it weren't for the antipsychotics, I'd be psychotic.

Trauma is memory. Memory is what we identify ourselves with. It can cause dissociation and dissociative identity disorder. I hear a lot that with schizophrenia, many were traumatized as a child. 2/3 of drug addicts were.

I feel really nauseous

So tired. Only slept 4 hours last night. I just took a shower and got dressed. Will probably pick a few things up from the store later

@Desoxyn I am sorry you're so lonely. I feel that way too sometimes.

Ooo. I want to try that...

I like the rose-vanilla one. I am allergic to a lot of topical stuff so it was great to find something I like that I can actually use...

Woke up anxious today

My sister brought me a new toaster and sheets for my bed. The sheets are white with a light green elephant pattern over them, one of my cats already got under them, before I even got to lay on them for myself. Lol

I wish my apartment allowed pets. I miss having a cat

Is asking your doctor to write something saying having one benefits your mental health? My apartment does happen to allow cats so I was lucky but my doctor has always been willing to write a statement that they are therapeutic for me and are needed for my mental health. Which is true, I have been at points in my life where they were the only reason I didn't end it all, and they give so much comfort and love

My cat meows constantly when I have a panic attack because she is scared too

It is pretty easy to get an emotional support animal in my state (Texas). The rules vary by state.

I'm wondering if I may have been possessed or something controlling me at one time during the past 2 weeks. Maybe why that's why I heard a demon or the devil talking to me and my relationship with God over the past several months pretty much disappeared, that would explain a lot......

That's what it was. Destroying my life from the inside out and I didn't realize it

Idk a lot of people don’t believe in possession....what about psychosis? Why do you think it’s posession over psychosis?

I don't know... I don't generally believe in possession... but I have never heard a demon talking to me before and it was very distinctly different than the things I normally hear.. and It just seems like that would be connected if you put everything together. Over a period of like 5 months stop going to church, stop praying and not even feeling connected to God when I did pray, going from being a straight A student and loving school to barely showing up for class, then dropping a class, then hardly be able to focus to do the work and grades dropping... all the other problems, being agitated/irritable...

and my thoughts have been horrible too, I had been thinking of things I don't normally think of and I didn't feel any joy for a long time, I felt like the walking dead..

I'm not saying that everything that happened isn't my fault because it is, I'm not putting blame on something else but it could definitely be related to all the changes over time

Maybe you should discuss this possibility with your pastor.....while the church I believe ocassionally deals with possession I don’t think it’s even a remotely common occurance. Let me ask you how long ago did you have to quit your AP?

Last January, it's been a little over a year

She's a creeper, she likes to perch there and stare down at me