Roll Call 145

I can stare at a wall all day and literally think about nothing right now

I've been there while on an SSRI. (hugs)

Is it possible you can ask your Pdoc for something that isn't so numbing but still works? The only thing worse than a great depression is feeling nothing at all.

I could try and ask. I just feel so hopeless about it because I feel like I know everything about what I can be prescribed because I've tried all classes of drugs which includes medications, research chemicals and street drugs and it seems like chemicals aren't the answer but something else idk

Slept about 4 hours. It's 12:30am now, I'm thinking I'll stay up since I'm going to brunch during the day, then maybe try to get some more sleep when I come home

I'm so confused right now. I want more energy but I also want to relax. I want to feel emotions but not painful ones. I want people to like me but I want to be unnoticed. I don't want to sleep but I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I want to change the past but then I wouldn't be me. I want to travel the world but I can't be bothered to explore the new town that I moved to. I want to but I don't have the motivation. Maybe if I start small then I can. Idk. I don't want to party. I don't want to be the life of the party either. I want to read but I feel like I don't have time to do it. I feel like I have no time for anything.

Hey slept for a couple hours... i'm sorry tweaky you're struggling. how can i be of support?

My new post on facebook my grandmother helped me lol but thx

your nana sounds like like a smart women...

i feel like my friends will leave me if i told them what is really going on in my head.

Then they arent real friends. And if they judge too quickly before being real friends, then they arent real people.. but some humanoid things possessed by the devil..

I guess that's true... i lost so many friends over and over again. I'm scared of getting hurt again.

My childhood friend deleted me from facebook cuz I was in a bad state. I cared at first but now I don't care at all. He wasn't a real friend for not staying with me through my bad times. But it was also part of the reason try to be clean from drugs. Because I come with self destructive tendencies. People can walk away if they want. I would walk away from someone that is self destructive and wouldn't be their friend in the first place but I will always try to help current friends and stay through it with them. But I help other addicts that I don't even know. I'm just talking about other self destructive things like pulling me into their mess except if they're family members.

What's in my head is some pretty messed up stuff. Things I can't even think of right now. Right now for you, they are intrusive probably in your head and you're thinking about them too much. Take a deep breath, breathe out.. Think happy thoughts! No jk.. that doesn't help..

That childhood friend took thousands of his parents money and spent it on weed and couldn't pay them back so w/e

I want to stay awake cuz I be hypomanic but I should take the seroquel and sleep or else panic attack

I've been self destructive but never have i done anything like drugs or alcohol to help with the pain... however i did self harm and was suicidal. It didn't help when friends would bail out on me. i was talking to Ross about it last night... I plan on telling my therapist about it... sexual self harm and self harm in general. I've not done it in a long time but it's hard when you hear spirits tell I struggle with this because I use to do it since i was 11 years old... in different types of ways. again self destructive behavior... I'm struggling right now with the spirits but at least i'm not where i use to be.

Try your best to not let yourself be where you used to be. You've come a long way and you're not damaged. You're growing and have strength.

My little sister said to never wish bad on anyone. I said I hope my step dad lives a bad life for the rest of his life. She said she hopes him well.

I don't get her. How can she have everything figured out at 16? What did she smoke?

Well she smokes weed sometimes w/e

Thanks man... i feel damaged and weak. i can't help thinking that...

I cant sleep

sometimes 16 year old's think they have figured life out. She has not lived life yet... she don't know ****.

me neither... i slept a good 2 hours and been up ever since. :/

Well you're not damaged and weak. You have to know that you're a survivor. I'm sorry to hear about what happened. I would never ask because I knew it was that bad just by the subtle ways you explain by how much pain you're in from things like that.

Are you seeing a therapist soon? Does he/she know about your trauma?

PTSD can give flashbacks and the whole bit. One second you can be fine and then all of a sudden the traumatic thoughts pop up in your head and you obsess about them. I know this from my own obsessive thoughts and that's just the way the brain works. We can't think of everything at the same time. It revolves around in circles. Some bits get left out forever, or can pop up 5 years later. That's why we memorize things in school by thinking about things over and over again to reconnect neurons in the brain to form memory.

But you have bad stuff in your long term memory that you'll never forget. You have to come to terms with it, try to distract, be spiritual and overcome, know that you're beautiful, intelligent (All the good things - replace the good with the bad). There's negative people and there's positive people. There's no telling which had trauma or not. The negative person could have had it good. My mom was and she's very positive.

I'm still learning about these things. We all are and we will learn for the rest of our lives. There's no such thing as literal demons because there's no proof.. when there is proof, they're for a reason like a statue or something or a movie, otherwise it's called a hallucination if one person saw it. If many people see demons at the same time, they better take a picture otherwise that means it's still a coincidence hallucination..

You both can't sleep. But tweaky can sleep whenever he wants and has a good 15 hours pending and counting. 12 hours a day for real or I have to make up for it.

23andme: You NEED 8 hours sleep. Other people need less.
Me: Ik but I need 1/3 more than that..

thanks this means a lot. I wish it would erase from my memory. I wish it'll just go away but it never will... i've dealt with it for so long. I told my therapist i didn't want to work on my trauma right now because it's a trigger for me and i want to work on other stuff like seeing demons and spirits and gods and goddess and children who have It scares me... i think they're real. I don't think they're from ptsd or schizophrenia or both... i do have ptsd and have flashbacks and bad dreams. I know my triggers yet i trigger myself anyways. but when i'm triggered or thinking about the abuse i don't see the spirits and stuff so it can't be from ptsd... my mom says i'm gifted and tells me I just don't know how to deal with the spirits and stuff.

In the western world people deal with those visions and thoughts differently than in the east.. In India the psychiatrist tells the person to see a type of shaman or spiritual healer..

It makes me question what is real. But you have to know if what isn't real is interfering with your functioning in the type of society you live in. That's the main thing.. or your physical health.. or anyone else's.. same with death or anyone else's.

In reality, every decision we make kills millions of people a year.. if you think about it that way.. but you have to think of it in r-e-a-l-i-t-y.. whatever that is.. maybe the government and secret societies created reality for us and they're screwing around having secret spirit parties.

But we must ignore it for our own sanity.

Just walked to the store, its 5 in the morning so it's still dark out. There was some guy wandering around screaming, I walked really fast back to my apartment.. I probably shouldn't go out when it's still pitch dark out