Roll Call: 146

Going to a baseball game tonight with my dad.

Gonna spend the night and come home the next day on his lunch break.

Hey everyone. How are things going?

Going into day 13 of this inpatient stay after tonight. It feels like an eternity and a flash of an eye. My depression is more under control.



I was diagnosed with psychotic depression and it would seem to be the case. The better my depression, the better my psychosis. I had a wave of insight a few days ago and then regressed back into psychosis. Now I’m in another wave of insight and mixed state and its driving me nuts. I want the answers of reality to be clear cut. I want the voices and visuals to go away. I want to be in control of my mind. It’s been a trying couple weeks.

Theres a really good chance we are gonna get to goto comic con.

We just gotta see if the fiance got the days off he asked for. We see his schedule for next week this friday. His manager said it shouldnt be a problem tho.

My dad agreed to pay our tickets and my mom said she will give us some spending money.

That's good news!

I had a dream last night that I went to comic con lol Hope you have fun

Hi everyone, went to Disneyland yesterday...by myself. I was supposed to go with a friend but her hubby got sick so I went by myself. Actually I don't mind. I get to do what I want to do when I want to do it. It was a nice day, the crowds weren't too bad, and the weather was perfect. Traffic sucked. I forgot what it's like to drive in the cities. I'm used to being in the rural areas. I'm suicidal today though. Sometimes that happens after I get to do something fun then it's like, the next day I pay for it. Like I only deserve bad things to happen to me, or something. HUGS Kit

Thank you bb and slumberk!

you don't CHOOSE to have an eating disorder

and you say you have no fear but it seems the thing you fear the most is living

Sorry I meant choosing to not eat. My apologies

Hey guys. Boring day. Worked, slept, watched tv, yada yada.
Finally made my dogs vet appt. tomorrow. Poor guy. He does not care for those little exam rooms.
He’s got some quirks...doesn’t like small spaces, water, cats, or too much touching/hugs from anyone but me.

I really really regret seeing my dad’s family again last November. They insulted and gas lighted me again, trying to make me blame my mom for the family problems while in fact they’re the rotten ones. For a few hours after meeting them I was in confusion thinking what if they were right. I’m so prone to manipulation, manipulation attracks me like flowers to bees. It’s so easy to manipulate me and some people did that to me for their own pleasure like I’m some kind of puppet. My symptoms went worse after I met them. Flashbacks everyday, at least the emotional one, I get irritable easily and I feel like I’m consumed by negativity. I lost myself. This negative person is not who I really am. Took me over than 10 years to heal from their abusive behavior why did I ruined that and meeting them again?! But hopefully this time the recovery won’t take that long as I’m more acknowledged in mental illness.

I’m not sleepy despite the 3 hours sleep last night. Lucky I have cinnamon bread and chocolate ice cream. I bought a lot of food after I went to the Pdoc.

As an aside I took a boat load of stimulants too in my time and I worry about my heart but all has been fine thus far. I think the human body is remarkably resilient in many ways... don’t count yourself out. I know health anxiety would tell yourself otherwise but don’t assume...

I’m sorry, you deserve better than that. I hope things get better soon.

I’m in a weird place right now.
When my parents died there wasn’t much. I got personal effects from my dad. We already co-owned the house when my mom died so we got that and some life insurance.
Well now my FIL is gone and he has substantially more.
My husband and I were talking and were still not quite sure how much exactly there is. He has mutual funds, stocks, iras, several small life insurance policies, etc. but in reality we don’t “need” it. We’re surviving on our own. We do know what the house is worth and what he has in the bank and...Like we’re going to be able to put each of the kids through 4 years of college without student loans. Providing they don’t go to Harvard lol.
I don’t know how to feel. Thankful? Relieved? Grateful? Gold diggerish? Kinda feel like we’re benefiting off blood money.
When my mom died it took me a year to move here. I used my insurance proceeds to pay off the small mortgage she had on the house. Then bought myself a killer laptop lol. That was my big splurge. I feel bad spending death money. My sister on the other hand blew through almost 200k in about a year. Cruises, cars, drugs, etc.

I’m sure he would have wanted it spent on the kids college that sounds like an excellent plan...he would have wanted to make your lives easier...

My mom agreed to give fiance and i 100 dollars to spend at comic con.

Maybe you could try a different med like trazadone. Also, Geodon is another ap that tires people. Another interesting idea I think, is that you could rotate your sleep meds. FOr instance, try something for a month, then do a different med for a month, then go back to the other again, ad infinitum. That way your tolerance has a month to rebalance itself.

There's a saying that makes more sense the more I live. "Hell is other people." I show an oz of weakness and people begin to turn on me so I just suffer alone.

I'm just gonna stay on the seroquel, I tolerate it well. I tried trazadone before it, it doesn't help and actually made things worse, had really bad experience with it

day two of half my Geodon dose. I pray to god that my pdoc calls in y Geodon. The office says wait 3 business days. This is completely my fault, but its understandable because in my Geodon bottle there were those antimoisture packets, and I didn't see how many capsules were in there. This is the first time I have made this mistake. :-/

Oh no! Yeah hopefully the doc can help you tonight.

Saw a "worst jobs" post on facebook, and it had I think 25 listed... Painting and drywall was number 10. lol fml