Roll Call: 146

My sister told me I needed to "grow up" because I was spending a few days at my parents house and being anxious about my one class this next semester.

I got really mad but didn't end up saying anything. Just is really ****** that she doesn't understand why I can't do things normal people can do. It's not my fault and nor is it something I can control.

Idk, im mostly over it but it still makes me mad.

Yeah...it doesn’t sound like you, for lack of better words, drank “enough” for that kind of withdrawal. Thank god.
You seem, at least from what you post, to have a good handle on your level of addiction and got on top of it quickly. That’s wonderful!

My dad when he had his stroke and my fil when he was in the coma had to be specifically medicated for withdrawal because at the stages they were at it could have killed them. That’s some crazy ****. My dad ended up passing anyway but my fil survived. He was medicated for the entire 8 months he was in the hospital/rehab.
I’m actually a little afraid of alcohol. I really enjoy it and for a while I drank in excess. It’s good that I can’t physically tolerate it anymore. It pretty much destroyed my family and was the driving factor in my dad’s death (alcoholic hepatitis). The alc hep lead to a massive stroke. Even with all the hospital had to offer his liver and kidneys were so bad the plasma they gave him just came pouring back out.
My husband drinks. Not in excess but every night. 2 big drinks. Every night. I’d like very much for him to quit. He uses it as a tool for relaxation etc. it concerns me and it’s probably my biggest complaint. In my head of course. I don’t say anything to him except that if he turned into one of our dad’s he’d have one chance to clean his **** up or me and the kids would bail. I can’t ever live like that again.

That would upset me too. I’m sorry she said that to you. Rather callous. How old is she?

she's 18

Im sorry falcon. Do what u need to do to get better!

Ah...she just doesn’t get it yet.
With any luck her maturity level will catch up with her mouth soon.

FWIW...my kids have said some unpleasant things that have really hit home. “I’m not crazy why would I need therapy?” “She’s so crazy like bipolar or schizo”. Like a kick to the gut. I have talked to them about these ideas and they are doing better with it but mental illness is rarely understood and often mocked. It’s hard to counteract everything they see and hear.

I think it hurt so much for me because she should know better. She has Bipolar 2, sees a psychiatrist, and all that.

And in the past she has been one of my main supporters and has always been kind.

Idk, maybe she was just having a bad day.

Bf and i got into an argument

He invited his friend to stay the night one day when hes in town. I said “why would u tell him its ok without asking me? Its about respect for ME. Its MY house too”.

He said he would let my friends stay. I said “yea but i wouldve asked u beforehand!”

I had this problem in my last apt with the girl inviting strangers i didnt know to stay the night every night.

Oh wow I’m sorry. I didn’t realise you had that sort of history in your family.

I’m glad you have a healthy relationship towards alcohol though, even if it’s partially due to intolerance. It can definitely have a profound effect on individuals and families too.

My Sisters husbands dad was an alcoholic and died from complications. One day he just collapsed and his organs went into failure. My side of my family had no idea, apart from my sister I guess, so it was quite a shock.

I’m sure even without you saying much to your husband just being there looking out for him will be enough.

I have a love/hate relationship with alcohol

I cant even watch movies or read books. I want to but I cant. I just lay here in bed without sleeping. What is wrong with me???!! Do i need a new antipsychotic??!!

I cant take this anymore. I dont even know what to call what THIS is..

I just hate what alcohol does to otherwise wonderful people.
It’s no different from heroin and other illegal drugs except the government and a bunch of other unscrupulous asses make a fortune off of it.
I mean really...aside from the cash it takes in why would it be legal? It kills people by the masses, causes accidents - sometimes deadly, destroys your brain and innards, causes intense physical and mental dependency, kills the unborn, causes birth defects, and makes you have sex with people you’d otherwise avoid. They don’t call em beer goggles for nothing
My dad was a truly kind, loving, good hearted man. 40 years of drinking destroyed him. He drank the mortgage money, the grocery money, the Christmas money. He walked away from his kids because he knew it was killing us but he was physically unable to stop. He figured we were better off w/out the toxicity in our lives. Then hated himself for it for the next 20 years. Thankfully his resolve wasn’t that strong and we weren’t apart for long.
No thanks. I’ll smoke my bowls and relax. **** drinking and having “fun”. If I run out I’m a little bummed but I don’t get the shakes or have random seizures.
I pray my children don’t find the love for booze. I tell them about my dad and I hope some of it sinks in.

My mom came come having drank 3 glasses of wine and now all I hear is wine pouring into a glass.. so yeah theres that..

I'm going to make an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow to change from my invega injection to something else

Took 30mg CBD and 500mg l-theanine to not be dependent on benzo

I'm going skiing tomorrow!

Tbh I think I can't watch movies because I feel a little paranoid..

Edit: I'll try to write in detail what I'm paranoid about: The Gods. Dead people. Government spying on me. The pedo from the psych ward controlling my mind from the overdose grave where he belongs because he manipulated me. Anxiety about dying. The fact that I have magical powers but in reverse and I'm on a distiney course where what I'm doing will eventually make me famous. People in the clouds hacking me my mind with computers (A previous delusion that I can't shake). People spying on me. The fact that time is running out and I have to use signs from my environment and what people have said to me to use to my advantage.

OMG the cat keeps meowing it's doing that on purpose.

Talked for like an hour with my little sister. She was having a panic attack cuz her jaw keeps clicking and I talked her through the panic attack. She talks me through my panic attacks. And we talk our mom through her panic attacks.

What a wonderful family full of panic.

My brother gets panic attacks when he smokes weed too.

Morning

Bf isnt up. Im having coffee.

Morning. So tired . Couldn’t sleep last night. My husband was like a damn chainsaw.
Working today. Hopefully I can find the motivation. I kinda blew yesterday afternoon off.
Have to go grocery shopping at some point too. Blah. Stop & Shop is still on strike so the other stores are jammed. Hate market basket as it is...throw in an extra 200 people and it’s like my worst nightmare.
I may try to go visit gram too if I have the energy.

Im just not sure if we are gonna last. Just not sure...

We got into it bad yesterday.

First it was him inviting his friend to stay the night without even asking me.

Then it started with me having a panic attack.

He was like “what do you want ME to do?”

I said just talk to me. He said “im in the middle of a mission on a video game”.

I said “forget it”. He never cares anymore if im ok or not. He just wants to do what he wants to do. If its bothering HIM its a problem. Meanwhile i jump when he says go. Every. Single. Time. With anything. Because i love him.

Its not like it used to be. Hes not the man i fell in love with anymore. He used to care. He even used to cry when i cried. Now hes emotionless. Never talks to me unless i beg him. If i ask him to talk to me he has every excuse in the book.

Its just not the same. He thinks hes showing me love by paying the bills. I understand. But i need more. I need time with him. I told him from the beginning, from month 1, i will require a lot of his time. He said “as long as im not working.”’I understood. Now i never get time. I have to beg.

Ive been crying too much in this relationship too often.

I wasnt gonna tell yall all that.
But maybe im in denial.

I want off my meds again but usually when I do that I wind up in hospital so Im just going to sit here and do nothing about it. Broke up with the bf today so hopefully he'll stop telling me he loves me but probably not. dating a drug addict 30 years older than me i met in the psych hospital was a dumb idea to begin with. I don't care who knows what, they're just watching at this point maybe trying to save us.

At this point i just want to try to save my relationship

Saw the shrink today. Two of them actually. Grilling me. They said basically I need to stop drinking, take my meds earlier, lower my stress levels, and manage my anxiety. Might adjust my meds. Going to talk to my regular doctor about me. I see him next Thursday. Fun times.

But hey overall they said I seem way better than when they first met me two years ago so that’s good?

Have you all seen the teaser trailer for the next Star Wars film? It’s looks so good!