Roll Call 156

I am a sucker for peppermint mocha. Lol.

I kept seeing the same homeless guy every time I was going to my psychiatrist appointments for awhile ... I was worried one winter. It was going to be way more frigid than usual in a few days and stay that way ... and I knew he would either not survive it or he would suffer severe frostbite and other complications otherwise. I got him proper winter clothes, he thanked me profusely. He made it through that awful cold.

I talk to him every couple of weeks now, he wound up finding a way out of being homeless later and we ran into each other by chance in 2018 and we instantly recognized each other. He asked me what I was doing going downtown so often anyways. I told him I was seeing a psychiatrist. He asked me why, as he was seeing a psychiatrist also. We both have schizophrenia, go figure.

Yeah I think mental illness is common among the homeless.....I’m glad you got him some winter gear.....

LOL ... I needed that, thanks.

Everyone has a dark side, it is true.

I am certainly prone to bouts of absolutely withering contempt for humanity as a whole, random reductionistic BS when I do not want to deal with my schizophrenia's reductionistic BS, psychotic levels of grandiosity, and misplaced aggression in the form of sarcasm and morbid humor that I use to cover up my blatant insecurities and obvious self-doubts. All of the aforementioned no doubt originate from a deep rooted existential terror about [REDACTED].

Will keep her in my prayers

Thanks bluebird

I am in that unfortunate 25% of schizophrenics that medication does not work for. At this point, I have tried literally every single antipsychotic in existence, and in a myriad of combinations and dosages ... Yes, clozaril included in the mix. Nothing is any match for my schizophrenia. The "specify if: with catatonia" that has been on my chart post DSM-5 that was schizophrenia: catatonic type before, will not bow to anything. Benzodiazepines bounce right off of my schizophrenia specific catatonia, also. Outside of more ECT, because yes I have tried that too also, I have tried literally everything. (Yoga and meditation are indeed generally good practices, however, I recommend them both.)

Therapy is not a good idea for me nor is it feasible which is unfortunate, due to my continuous psychosis and also due to my inevitable alarmingly frequent catatonic episodes ... and my overall level of withdrawal from the environment, reality as most people know it ... and from my own self ...

Yes, that word "continuous", is also specified. While I am not constantly in crisis, my connection to "consensus reality" is at most extremely tenuous at best. Over the past several years I have severely deteriorated. I cannot live by myself. I cannot do most things. I have been rendered non functional in one too many ways. I can barely go outside, I think I have only left this place to be taken to see my psychiatrist in the past four months.

I am not religious, and I certainly do not believe in any sort of supernatural forces of good and evil (boy that always got trippy when I believed I was The Devil ... lol). But, when you are the one called the evil monster enough times due to psychotic episodes ... you start to believe it ... and it got to the point that I saw a monster when I looked in the mirror. This is a nightmare, and this is what schizophrenia looks like when it deteriorates ...

Sorry to hear that, my thoughts are with you and your family

Damn, that is rough. I am sorry to hear this ... Sending good thoughts her way ...

Will be praying @Sometimes psychotic

Ever have hallucinations where someone is calling your name? Happened to me yesterday when I took the dog outside. I was calling her name, and then someone was calling my name. It kept happening over and over. Then I went inside and asked my parents if they had called me. They were like, no. I don't know what was up with that. I don't get audio's very often, usually visuals. It just kind of freaked me out because I couldn't see anyone outside or anything so once I knew it wasn't my parents calling me I knew it had to be a hallucination. At least it wasn't saying anything scary, but still, just, uh unsettling.

As far as religion I meant for the exploration to give your subconscious more choices than pure evil. I don’t know why psychosis tends towards the spiritual even among atheists but it does....with a little luck your brain will focus on shiva or Vishnu instead ? I personally found animal spirits most interesting thus shamanism dominated for me.

Yeah I've had it happen

My problem is mostly delusions but sometimes I would get auditory calling my name. Haven’t had any for a long while.

My sister just texted me a photo of the tumor

I had no idea they showed you that kind of thing, it’s nightmare fuel.

I wonder if that would help my subconscious at all. It is an interesting thought. It is curious how psychosis tends towards that very thing, even in atheists. I find it fascinating, I wonder how and why this happens. It seems as if psychosis latches on to what beliefs are dominant in someone's culture irrespective of personal belief or lack of belief, and how that process works and why and so on ...

I have to admit, the Shamanism themes in your psychosis were fascinating to me just because it was atypical for spiritually themed delusions ...

I had a friend who had trained as a shaman and took me on a visit to the underworld (not bad) to get a spirit animal....it stuck with me. For me I don’t think I stuck to dominant themes so much as the unknown, things my brain was still not 100% on. Sandra ingerman has some great books and videos on shamanism and its entirely neutral there is no evil. Maybe check one out and see if you can redirect the psychosis?

I feel like I'm high

My knee might've been out of place the past 2 weeks. Or whenever I last walked the dogs at the same time. It popped this morning and I felt fine all day.

Making snickerdoodle cookies on the weekend for when I see my sister

That sounds excellent bluebird...I’m thinking I might make the gingerbread polar bears tomorrow to distract myself a little. It’s going to be rainy out anyway.

That should be fun

I guess I bit my cheek again while I was sleeping because it hurts

Afraid to go to sleep tonight

Why?........

I am just scared I'm going to die if I go to sleep