Roll Call 156

Has anyone ever just woken up one day and realized that it's somehow been some inordinate length of time since you last had any shred of lucidity and you do not even have any idea what your life is like anymore or who the hell you are?

I am lost. A lot happened. I do not expect anyone to take me seriously or believe a word I say. I am resigned to and have accepted the fact that unless I start over entirely at this point, I do not have a chance in hell of being seen as anything but completely evil.

Going skiing =] Sunny day

Luckily I’ve only had a month of that kind of loss...like why did I think/do that so it didn’t impact my life in a major way in that I still had my job and people around me. But I changed enough with psychosis that I had to redefine who I was, what I liked and valued.
I did some bad things like trying to claim a friend had raped me because I thought he was the devil.. I believed it to be true but it was still horrible.

Anyway I’m sorry this has happened to you, we’ve missed you here in roll call.

Oh man the house really smells.....I made the frosting which only required egg whites so the yellows have been in the trash for two days, I should’ve taken them out right away, yuck!

I did not think anyone cared that I was gone or that if they did, they were glad to be relieved of my presence. I would not have blamed anyone, I scare the hell out of myself ... lol ...

I have lost pretty much everyone in my life that was in my life before 2013 and has made the mistake of trying to get close to me since then. My schizophrenia is evil. I do not know how else to describe it considering the sheer level and scale of catastrophic destruction it has left and will continue to leave in its wake.

I was convinced I was the devil as opposed to the victim of the devil at least twice that I recall. Once earlier this year, and in 2018. Both around the same times of the year now that I think about it, late winter through most of spring. I have a semi ironic theory that grandiose delusions are why I never fell into any kind of substance abuse.

Sorry to hear about all that has happened to you. It must be terrible to believe you are the devil. From what I remember meds are not always working for you. Have you tried therapy....not so much to deal with the psychosis but how you think about yourself? Like for me I had therapy right after that episode and they made me feel like a normal human again. I had thought I was terrible but they said it was actually and indication of how good I was that I wanted to stop the devil etc. obviously my mind was confused but that’s not my fault anymore than it’s yours, psychosis is a living nightmare even at its best, but the best is still better than the worst.

Supposedly psychosis is a bit like drug use where the setting has influences so if you go in with a positive attitude like you’re chosen to be a healer like in other countries where they believe this is how shamans are chosen then you’re going to have a better time. I believe it because most of my delusions had to do with being a shaman and I say the experience was decent like 80% of the time. It was when I veered Into the western way of thinking...good vs evil where the badness began.

I just wonder if you’re religious or not? For me I was an atheist before the psychosis. If you’re not particularly religious maybe exploring other religions without a dichotomy would be beneficial. For example Hinduism or Buddhism....they are much more neutral.

Anyway sorry to ramble on, just throwing out some ideas that might work for you.

Laundry is done, back home relaxing now

I'm sorry for what you're experiencing Atypical Disaster, I had always wondered how you were and where you went since you stopped posting, it's good to see you

Great bluebird! I’m trying to gear up for a trip to the pharmacy....not sure it’s gonna happen today.

Yeah, I had to force myself out. lol I feel really tired for some reason today so didn't feel like going but it's done thankfully. One thing that helps is it's autumn and chilly out so I'm not pouring sweat while I carry my laundry there and back

I hope you're able to get to the pharmacy soon

For me it’s the opposite it’s so hard to go into the cold when you’re used to be warm most of the time. It’s different when your going to and from work and get used to the cold. I’m actually considering driving instead of walking...

That's a good idea, then you have your warm car to get into

Made plans to have dinner with my friend this week. Then we're gonna hang out on the weekend at his place and watch movies

Should get some Biscotti. They go perfect with espresso or tea

I have to go out again to buy bread

@ Atypical Distaster you're my evil friend <3

No jk you're not evil if it's a delusion.. but everyone good is a little evil.. yin yang..

Went to the store, it's getting really cold out

Plan on making french toast tomorrow

French toast sounds good but I don’t have bread...

Went to the pharmacy so that’s done. My sister is having her colonoscopy now. Hopefully it’s nothing terrible. Not sure when we’ll get the results.....

That's great you went to the pharmacy SP!

Music sounds extra good today for some reason

omg I just saw a huge disgusting spider, I killed it. Jesus christ it was scary. I was just thinking earlier of how I'm glad I moved back up here cause there's not as many creepy bugs as in the south. I guess I jinxed myself

Was totally tempted to get a peppermint mocha today because there’s a Starbucks near the pharmacy but I was like....do I really need a $5 coffee? Plus there was like a homeless guy out there and it made me think about when there could be a day I really needed that $5.

Interesting you mentioned the math bit. I was just thinking about something related to this very thing. I have always conceptualized my mind as if it were made of mathematical equations, and I love math.

I was wondering off-handedly a bit ago, what if my schizophrenia is one huge set of mathematical equations? Theoretically, I could figure out what those equations are and well, solve them. I also believe there is one huge equation that links the rest together. The Schizophrenia Equation, as it were. If I find that one and figure out how to solve it, I win.

Omg you guys my sister just finished her colonoscopy.....turns out she had the stomach flu so they couldn’t finish it but they already found a tumor, diverticula and some kind of ulcers were what was bleeding....it wasn’t what they thought at all. She’ll find out about the tumor in a week.....thoughts and prayers for her appreciated.....