Early Signs?

I am 19 years old and I think I might have some kind of mental disorder. I was diagnosed with depression 4 years ago so I know what it feels like to have really bad depression but what I feel now is much different than that. The main difference is that I dont feel emotions like I did when I had depression I cant even cry anymore except once in a long while. Im starting to think that I might have schizophrenia or something similar to it.

Ill try to explain what it feels like. I am thinking much more deeply now and asking a lot of weird questions. I dwell on a lot of things and can think about the same thing for hours. I am confusing my dreams, reality, and TV and things I made up in my head. I am real paranoid all the time especially when I get stressed out. I am having things like delusions when I think people are watching me from the TV and computer and things. I have thought that I was being monitored before. And sometimes I feel like I am one of the few real people on the earth and everything else is just like a hologram or fake thing. I can sit in a dark room for hours without doing anything at all. Sometimes I feel like Im in a dream world, sometimes like a good dream other times like a complete nightmare. I have waited to wake up from a bad dream and only realized it was real life.

Im not taking any medications or anything and havent been for the past 2 years. I was taking medications for depression but quit 2 years ago. I look back at my life as it was like a story being told to me and question if it is real or not. Once in a while some of the symptoms will go away but it wont last that long. Can someone explain to me if that sounds like early signs of schizophrenia? or describe to me what it feels like to have schizophrenia, it would help a lot, thx.

I can't help you with what it feels like to be schizophrenic; I can give you some glimpses into what it feels like to be psychotic, however. I've been so paranoid, so certain that others were out to get me, or kill me, that I've planned and considered both suicide and homocide as options. For me ,psychosis is extreme paranoia, hearing voices, and feeling that my life is threatened. What you describe [delusions, paranoia, perhaps hallucinations?] are symptoms of psychosis. Whether you are schizophrenic or not is up to a doctor to decide. You might want to consider seeing a psychiatrist; or check out the resources people have shared in this forum here. Please keep in mind that schizophrenia is often diagnosed in your age group [late adolescence to early adulthood.]

I can identify with a lot of what you've said to a lesser extent; confusing reality and dreams, wondering if the people around you aren't really there, and thining or knowing that people are monitoring you. I don't know if it's any comfort to you that other people have thought the same things you have.

I'm sure that somebody here will be able to answer your questions and give appropriate suggestions; someone suggested journaling to me, and I've found it helpful. Sharing is often the ifrst step to helping yourself, and sometimes it does help to put your experiences down on paper.

Good luck, and I hope you keep posting.

Good schizophrenia site
Early warning signs
First signs of schizophrenia
Schizophrenia screening quiz

Thx for the replies. I feel better that I finally came out and said something to somebody else. I tried to deny that I had a problem until it got bad and I had to tell somebody. The feelings Im having are really weird its hard to explain. The main thing is feeling like Im in a dream and all my life before this was fake and its all a distant memory, and if this now is real or not. In the past year I have spent most of my time by myself either on the computer or in a dark room. A lot of people notice that I stare into space and I cant concentrate worth anything.

I dont really want to take medication since a lot of them have side effects and none of my medications really worked for me when I had severe depression. I cant deny that it is pretty cool sometimes to think the way I am now but thats only sometimes. A lot of times Im real paranoid and I freak out at the smallest noise. I see shadows in the dark and I get more scared than I was when I was a kid. Another thing is that Im really paranoid about what I do. I delete all my history and throw out everything I write because I have a bad feeling that someone is watching me and collecting what I write to get a glimpse in my mind.

Thx for the links. I looked on the early signs and almost all of that was related to how I feel and act. Its scary how many of those symptoms Ive had. Ive never heard voices before though. Except once in a while Ill hear someone saying my name and Ill check everywhere and there is noone in sight. Also Ill think I hear people talking and Ill look around and noone is there, i dont know if that counts as voices. If its not schizophrenia then its something similar maybe psychosis or something.

If I do have it then my worst fear is that Ill turn into one of those old bums who lost everything in his life and talks to himself. Im pretty smart and I used to be in gifted classes so maybe I wont turn into someone like that, but I hope god that I can still live kind of normally if I have it.

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Pennkid: Can someone explain to me if that sounds like early signs of schizophrenia? or describe to me what it feels like to have schizophrenia, it would help a lot, thx.

Here's one description of schizophrenia ...

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>

MICHAEL O'CALLAGHAN: How does one define so-called schizophrenia?

JOHN WEIR PERRY: Jung defined it most succinctly. He said...

<font color=blue>"Schizophrenia is a condition in which the dream takes the place of reality." This means that the unconscious overwhelms the ego-consciousness, overwhelms the field of awareness with contents from the deepest unconscious, which take mythic, symbolic form. And the emotions, unless they're hidden, are quite mythic too. To a careful observer, they're quite appropriate to the situation at hand.

The way "schizophrenia" unfolds is that, in a situation of personal crisis, all the psyche's energy is sucked back out of the personal, conscious area, into what we call the archetypal area. Mythic contents thus emerge from the deepest level of the psyche, in order to re-organise the Self. In so doing, the person feels himself withdrawing from the ordinary surroundings, and becomes quite isolated in this dream state.</font>

O'C: Did Jung really see this as a healing process?

PERRY: He did indeed! He believed that "schizophrenia" is a self-healing process - one in which, specifically, the pathological complexes dissolve themselves. The whole schizophrenic turmoil is really a self-organising, healing experience. It's like a molten state. Everything seems to be made of free energy, an inner free play of imagery through which the alienated psyche spontaneously re-organises itself - in such a way that the conscious ego is brought back into communication with the unconscious again.

Source: Mental Breakdown as Healing


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my worst fear is that Ill turn into one of those old bums who lost everything in his life and talks to himself. Im pretty smart and I used to be in gifted classes so maybe I wont turn into someone like that, but I hope god that I can still live kind of normally if I have it.

I just bumped an old discussion back to the top of the page -- it's called Schizophrenia & Hope. You might find it eases your mind somewhat to read it.

I am now sure that I have some kind of psychosis. I just learned that Schizophrenia is a kind of psychosis. I dont really understand all of this yet. It said that psychosis can happen when you have a lot of stress and untreated depression for a long time. Im thinking that may have caused what I have right now. I have had anxiety most of my life but the past couple years Ive had a lot more anxiety. I had severe depression for 2 years and it was not treated well and Ive had mild depression for the past 2 years and it wasnt treated at all.

I dont really want to take any medication because it didnt help me before when I had severe depression and it seems like a lot of anti psychotic medications have bad side effects.

>I am now sure that I have some kind of psychosis.

The fact that you reognize it is probably a good thing; most people experiencing psychosis don't suspect they are psychotic. I know you've had a bad experience with medications, but it's your right to decide to take them or not. No matter if you do see a doctor, they can't force you at your age to take medications- unless you or anyone else is in imminent danger due to the psychosis. [Of course, I live in Canada, so I know barely anything about the mental health system elsewhere].

Psychosis can be secondary to a mood disorder, or caused by it, and if your depression is a larger problem or you suspect that the psychosis has resulted from it, this could be the case.

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Pennkid: I am now sure that I have some kind of psychosis. I just learned that Schizophrenia is a kind of psychosis.

My own definition of psychosis is that of ego collapse. When I say "ego" I'm referring to one's personal sense of identity. Our sense of personal identity is largely drawn from the roles we play and the relationships we have with the larger world around us.

There are times in our lives when our sense of identity may be naturally worn a little thin because we are already in a time of transition. For example, given your age, you're probably going through a transition into independant adulthood and there would likely be some stress associated with this transition no matter what. In your case, you have some additional stressors such as depression and quite likely, others that you've not spoken of. I don't know if what you're experiencing is psychosis or not but I think it would be fair to say that you find yourself in a difficult place at the moment.

A helpful tool I often recommend to individuals in the aftermath of their experience of psychosis is a timeline. Just draw one out on a piece of paper and then place two circles upon it: the first one represents your birth, the second one represents where you are now. Then, begin filling in the blanks. It's been my experience that every individual I've spoken with who underwent a break, that break was first preceded by a triggering event or combination thereof. Often the most vital question we can ask is not, "Are you psychotic?" but rather, "What is going on in your life or has gone on that is causing you distress?"

I recommend that exercise to others as a means of understanding what happened to them, but in your case it's possible that you could use this same information, perhaps to prevent a full-scale erosion of self-identity. Ideally, you'll be able to identify the crisis points that are causing you the most distress. If you can identify the problems, you can then begin to look for solutions.

Some people are capable of working out their solutions on their own, others find it helpful to have some assistance -- either from a professional or a friend. Therefore, I also suggest that you take some time now to explore support options in your personal social circle and community so that if you need to reach out for additional assistance, you'll already have some resources at hand.

As you noted, stress can also play a role in the development of psychosis so it can be helpful to do what you can to destress your life as much as possible. I know this is always easier said than done, but perhaps there are some things you can simply let go at this time. If you still live with your family or roommates, it might be helpful to solicit some assistance from them as well.

As a final note I would urge you to seek professional assistance immediately if you feel you need it; if you want to hurt someone else, or if you want to hurt yourself.

Yeah I also think its a good thing that I recognize that something is wrong with me. The thing is it took me a year or two to finally even consider that something was wrong with me. It took a lot of bad events and experiences for me to realize that my symptoms were probably mental and not physical. For example I was going to school and everyday I couldnt concentrate and carry on a conversation without completely zoning out. Everyday I would go in feeling like krap and feeling empty and feeling like I was in a bad dream and I couldnt believe that my life had come to this. A couple times I was certain I was in a bad dream and I was literally waiting to wake up and to feel alive again.

I tried everything to wake up from this daze anything from drugs to energy drinks to trying to get more sleep and trying to concentrate and none of it worked at all. Its like none of that affected me at all and I felt exactly the same. I thought it might have been because of i was alone a lot so I tried being with my friends and going over peoples houses and talking a lot and still none of this worked at all.

I dont know how to explain it but it was like falling deeper and deeper down a hole until I could hardly even communicate with the outside world. I was always in my own mind and even that started to die until I could hardly feel anything. It was horrible and I went to doctors thinking it was something physical only for them to say I was completely healthy physically. Its like I was slowly dying and there was nothing I could do about it at all. and it still is like that but it seems like my condition has leveled off far away from my old reality.

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Pennkid: I dont know how to explain it but it was like falling deeper and deeper down a hole until I could hardly even communicate with the outside world. I was always in my own mind and even that started to die until I could hardly feel anything. It was horrible and I went to doctors thinking it was something physical only for them to say I was completely healthy physically. Its like I was slowly dying and there was nothing I could do about it at all. and it still is like that but it seems like my condition has leveled off far away from my old reality.

You may find this link informative: The Inner Apocalypse. I also suggest the companion article if you've not yet read it: Mental Breakdown as Healing.