Roll Call 167 :)

One thing I learned with my psychosis is that if you don’t take care of yourself you’ll end up broken....and that things I would have never considered like taking a vacation day at the busy time are all possibilities that sound better than having a full melt down and hospitalization at the worst time.

Can you do an audio book? I find those easier....

Desoxyn, do you ever think that your adding extra Vyvanse and things like that affects your mental state? I just wonder if you can simplify things. Like only take meds exactly as directed. Pardon me if I'm wrong about this, but are you taking your meds exactly as prescribed by your pdoc? I don't mean to sound blunt, but maybe it could help you to think about it in this way. Just not to deviate from what your pdoc says or prescribes.

I know there's margin for telling your pdoc what you think you should be on, but as for taking meds you're not prescribed, that's a different story.

I don't know. I'll tell a personal anecdote. Once I was messing with all of my meds, increasing dosages on my own and stuff. I increased my Remeron, my Effexor on my own. And I ended up kicking a door down in my family's house. I am not saying you're going to go to something like that if you continue experimenting with meds, but isn't there a certain point at which you would just like to simplify things and just listen to your pdoc only? I really do hope you find some combination or another that works for you. It just concerns me that you are adding extra Vyvanse and things like that. It doesn't sound too good, to tell you the truth.

I am not trying to detract from the pain you're feeling in this state of mind, far from it. I know you're suffering. You are a valued member of the community and I just don't like watching you not do well on meds and stuff. Anyway, be well.

Yeah, for sure. I need to take a break from it. I just think my parents will have a fit. My whole family tells me to continue with it.

I slept till 3pm today. I was gonna go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds but due to being lazy I ended up ordering them to be delivered since I don't feel like going anywhere. So my meds should be delivered tomorrow afternoon. Then I can start the metformin Sunday morning.

Still need to return some books to the library at some point next week.

Had leftover Italian sausage and meatballs over pasta for dinner.

Have to clean this weekend. Apartment is messy.

Thanks for your concern.. but..

My psychiatrist basically ditched me due to cuts on funding for mental health before the coronavirus (Cuz oil was low and the economy here was crashing) - So she wasn't allowed to see anyone on the teleconference anymore. But there was an exception - To possibly see her once before she refers me to another psychiatrist. Then the coronavirus happened.

Stimulants can be prescribed 3-4 times a day. I only take mine once a day. Today I took two.

When I took my meds exactly as prescribed (Such as seroquel and mirtazepine), I had heart palpitations eventually so I stopped them.

I see everything as a grey area. I'm not good with rules. EVERYTHING. All the problems that people are arguing about on the internet, I see both sides. My mind is so open that I feel like I shouldn't be alive. Everyone has beliefs and gets judged for them. I get judged by the video chat people for saying what I don't really mean - Which they take seriously.

I don't take myself seriously. I laugh at myself. I don't think anything is real. I'm just trying to survive. I was a very weird kid too - Like completely disconnected from reality. I don't make any sense. I'm likely intelligent but schizotypal or something.

I don't think objectively - I'm a mixture of subjective experiences - I know that I don't know things - In awe of everything? Autistic? I don't know.

The extra vyvanse is to help me focus on reading as a distraction - Maybe play piano or guitar. I know I have a sleep-wake problem - Never got a sleep test. My treatment team is always so lazy or careful with me yet fascinated by my mind. I've always been praised for my mind - People do things.. I'm rarely ever in my element..

One thing (One very important thing): I've been on meds for many many years. And they keep changing. Most peoples meds keep changing, - People change, environment changes, we grow older, diagnoses change.. I feel like it's all absurd how people are so certain about things.

Maybe if I had a SO or a friend, she/he can help me but I don't want a relationship... And people all they live for is a partner, kids, and the pointlessness of it all to me - People make their own meaning.. I have to do that.. That's why the video chat people got mad.. They're right.. But it's painful to know the truth.. Some lies were said.. No one.. NO ONE - Thinks this much about their convictions and identity and the world and is so damn mental yet sane at the same time.. And the psychedelics.. I don't want to get started.. The government, conspiracies, jobs, passion, beauty in life, contentness, philosophy, spirituality, science, it's allllll gone out the window with my awareness.

All I need is reassurance. I've said that for the longest time. That things will be ok. I don't know if they'll be ok..

I think things will be ok. Will they? ..

Why do the audiobooks come separately from the book? I have to pay for both!

My sister said that I can find it on youtube.. I forgot about that.. But ultimately I won't find the one I want cuz life just does that to me.

I see. I'm not trying to chide you or anything.

You'll be good.

Also audiobooks are a good option if you cannot focus on regular books. I do audiobooks...

Also sometimes if a student requests it you can take an incomplete and then finish the stuff later....something to consider....

If you get a library card you can check out a lot of audiobooks on overdrive or Libby for free......

I'm gonna go take a walk to clear my mind. I'll be back in a better state - Not just because I know - But because I'll decide to.

It's like I can decide whichever state to be in.. Just my intuition controls me like I feel vibes from people around me and react to them..

It's like dealing with spirits.

Listening to talks about confusion by Alan Watts.

This is definitely what I need..

What book are you writing, newtus?

Hang in there, Desoxn. It will turn around.

My second poetry book with mental health poems. I’ve decided I will also turn them into an audio book, but not going to available on Amazon. Rather, it will be available as spoken word poetry on Spotify, Apple, amazon music, etc. thank you for asking!

Hey, Desoxyn, I don't normally say things like this, but, it just seems like your meds are not really totally optimized right now for you. Cut yourself a little slack. Try not to judge. Try to practice patience, if you can, it really, really helps.

I think you are looking at your past in the wrong way. None of that was a waste of time. It was just life, just stuff. It is not a competition, this life, to see who can be the most exiting or coolest or richest or whatever. Go easy on you. You judge yourself a whole lot and it is probably not very good for your brain health.

Things will get better. They will. Just don't give up.

That is so exciting!! Where is the first book available?

I made fish tacos. The tortillas take a while to make but they’re so worth it.

I’m happy.

Thanks guys. I'm feeling better after listening to a video called "Alan Watts - Confusion In Your Mind" on YouTube.

I'm able to focus better right now and my mind isn't so scattered. I'm able to do what I want.

One good quote I heard is that "When you're perfectly free to feel stuck or not stuck, you are unstuck" - I knew this. I just needed reassurance.

Desoxyn, there are some great audiobooks out there. I use bit torrent to get them for free. Audiobooks seem to be the most expensive medium i know besides online lectures.

I recommend doing something physical while you listen, like doing the dishes or mowing the lawn, or picking up around the house. The act of a mindless activity will let you forget about your body while you sharpen your mind. That's my trick to being attentive. But we're all different, i hope it works for you!

It’s on amazon. Oh hold on! I will message u.

my anxiety is getting worse again. I'm scared of dying and I'm hearing things like I'm about to die soon. I want my mom. I want my mommy. I'm going to die... my moms going to die. die Die DIE...

I’m sorry Erti....hugs.....

Really frustrated it's gonna basically take a week from first seeing the doc until I'll first get my med