Roll Call 167 :)

I quit grad school and my parents flipped out. Well, mainly my mom.

You have to have hope that it gets better. Like if you fear death or have a panic attack 4 of times a week, focus on having 3 a week...

You don't have to be stuck in this mental state.

I remember I told Falcon09 about the 1% thing.. Try 1% of your reality what you can do differently. If it works tomorrow, try another 1%..

Set a time - one week, month, 3 years.. A goal for your mental health. Have something to hang onto.

Idk if this helps. We care though. Just keep typing here. My mom is going to die too - I don't know when. I'm going to die - I don't know when. I could die tonight.. We have to live. Death makes life worth living.

My mom never even finished high school... After having me after her 19th birthday she started at a minimum wage job at a grocery store 3 months after I was born... Me, being 30 years old marks that my mom has been with the job for 30 years. My mom got a management position. My mom found a good man who raised me along with my mom and my grandma. We moved into a new house at 13 years old my mom and despite everything that's happen to me (abuse, rape, neglect) my life got better after my stepdad came around. Before my stepdad I was going between my moms/grandma who made sure I at least eat to my dad who locked my sibling and me up and not feed us days on end... I miss my moms side of the family though even when they're drug addicts and did stupid **** and well I forgave my uncles part of the abuse. I miss them both and want to see my last uncle who's alive. anyways I think my point is without trying to ramble on too much is that you can have a good job without an education... it's just harder to do so. Education isn't everything.

Yeah honestly if you have a good enough education or even teach yourself online etc and have good connections, you can find a really nice job of your fitting.

I have to admit something. I haven’t taken my meds the last few days.

I’m not paranoid or delusional but I feel like I can do anything.

What a mistake.

Always take your meds, kids.

That was an interesting story erti.

My mom and dad only had trade school education (after finishing high school). My dad moved states, to here, and worked as a technical engineer for 45 years making chips for nasa and Apple. Making 6 figures for a short period of time, but usually 90k. My mom had her own cosmetology business as an esthetician.

Which is part of the reason why I strive to do a lot. My dads family is pretty educated. Doctors, teachers, writers, musicians, etc. My dads aunt is a tv judge like how judge Judy is. One of my cousins was a drummer for lil Wayne.

My moms family...ugh man. Overkill. My cousins on my moms side....doctors, nurses, a well known painter, etc. My cousin works for NASA. My other cousin works for Facebook. My grandpa was a professor at UC Berkeley for some years and then headed the city (where he lived) health department.

On and on. I’m one of the few that doesn’t have anything under my belt. A little college (that I hope to finish. I HOPE) and some published work. Etc. I’m honestly the black sheep of both sides of the family. My cousins don’t reach out to me, not on my moms side anyway. I’ve tried but they don’t keep in contact. Oh well!

Quit entirely? I hope you find something else that works for you

I feel happy and inspired.

Need to organize my kitchen cupboards and fridge tomorrow.

I'm reading a book I got from hoopla about mindfulness for bipolar disorder. I've always found mindfulness to be a great way to stay calm and in the moment. It's something I try to incorporate into all areas of my everyday life.
Also finishing up that other book I got by Tracey Chevalier, a historical fiction novel. Love her books.

Tomorrow I'm cleaning.. pretty much all day. I might have to go to Family Dollar and get a few things for the house like oven mitts so I can take the pizza stone out of the oven without burning myself. I need some dish towels too and maybe a few other things.

I'm trying to get myself on a good schedule with cleaning. Doing it consistently every week. Praying the Rosary has become a daily habit so now I'm working on doing stretches every morning. Using the Habitica app to track my habits.

Anyway, things are good. I'm excited to learn more about cooking and other stuff too by using sites like duolingo, khan academy. YouTube tutorials for learning different Ukulele songs. I haven't drawn in a long time. Really need to get back into art. I should sketch something this weekend, there's so many cool art tutorials online

My family in general hasn't done much after dropping out of high school. I'm the first person in my moms side of the family to graduate high school. I'm actually the first to have some college classes done. My family is poor but my stepdads side is basically middle class and are snobs.

Today?......

I had some very successful pals. The one who has made but far the most money did nto finish college. It was a waste for him. He built a company and sold it to Nextel for 100 million dollars, now, part of Sprint. School shmool

I went to some sorta fancy schools. You do not have to go to college to be educated. All you have to do is read. Everything available at Yale can be bought on amazon--take it from an expert...

I'll take poor and kind of heart and decent every day of the week over well-off and aho**. Money is totally overrated. Mostly, it just screws people up. The unhappiest years of my life I had way more money than I needed...

I've had situations where I lived in a homeless shelter after dropping out of art school. I've been in situations as a kid and as an adult while not knowing when my next meal would be. I've lived in houses full of dog ****, roaches, mice, and other rodents. I've missed a **** tone of school as a kid because they didn't bother properly killing the lice that got me kicked out. It wasn't until my stepdad came along and properly teach me how to read and such. Money is overrated but I wouldn't say "More money more problems".. also it's expensive to be poor too. It's expensive to find a job. It's expensive to get a job... It's expensive to be poor. Life isn't fair to the disenfranchised.

I'm learning a lot from u ppl

Anyways I can't focus right now. Stim wore off. Might as well sleep later.

Music gives me multiple orgasms.

I want to learn how to play instruments more than I ever did right now in my life.

I don't have to be a musician but I could help set up stages and stuff idk. I want to be around that crowd.. Like literally.. The crowd..

I love crowds.

Yeah I quit but my meds weren't right. I went to the pharmacy and got my Zyprexa. So glad I can be on that stuff again. Honestly it saves me. I took some tonight.


Anyway, I am back in line with school again. All I had to do was reverse it and now I'm back in grad school again.


I still don't feel 100% today, but I'll get there.

Study the math and physics! Take meds.. Don't lose the mind.. (As my dad would say)..

Exactly! I always want to learn everything but me off meds has no focus. I can’t screw that up.

I learned a LOT about myself tonight - Just like every night that I stayed up. But tonight was profound.

Now I'll try and get some sleep.

Remember, it's OK to be scared. We're all scared of something.. Even Atypical Disaster.. It keeps us alive.. Literally.

Could be a delusion... But what does that delusion represent? Where does it stem from? Trauma? Who knows.. Only you will decide..

And sometimes people become outcasts.. They don't fit in with any group.. Everyone has their group..

Love and fear. There's many things that all the "crazy" people talk about.. Or the demons, witches, types of animals.. It's like everything in reality is written as a story.. "Do you believe?" - "He was lying! He's not telling the truth" - "Oh.. A mystery to be solved" - "Find the hidden key".... "You can do it!" "Don't listen to them".. (This is basically what voices stem from... Nonsense.. At least for me anyways..)..

We have such beautiful minds..

Ok sleep ..

Hey Desoxyn, I am just curious, does the olanzapine (Zyprexa) help you sleep? It definitely does for me. Knocks me right out, to be honest.

Just about to take an emergency Zyprexa. I think I'm psychotic. I just want to make sure that I take the antipsychotic so it doesn't cause wrong connections to be formed and I become psychotic forever. It would be a very bad move to not take it.

I'll take it with the zopiclone and sleep.

I think tolerance to the sedation builds after a couple of weeks though.

I'm chaotic neutral.. I need to be chaotic good..

I might take half another olanzepine.

My thinking is so deep and enlightened and its being blown by itself so much. I'm very intelligent.. but maybe not for long.. or so I think..

Feeling tired.. just everything is so conflicting to themselves like abortion for example.. theres no free will.. then I think about how my dads pot smoking hippie conspiracy friend said that there is when I said there wasn't.. and that my dad is anti-abortion, my mom is a daughter of a cop, who is gay and my granddad was a cop - Yet I'm liberal.. but I appreciate conservatives because of their stability in reality.. a need for caution of change and order.. like Jordan Peterson.. and Joe Rogan is open to everything.. because of DMT.. Terence McKenna considered himself to be schizophrenic.. all of these people have done psychedelics..

I'll try not to go too much into detail.. I think about the backwards paradox now.. the paradox paradox.. it goes deeper..

I think the olanzepine is kicking in. But yeah I was thinking about how I'm in love with the abyss yet love with a partner is deeper than the abyss cuz true love is like two souls swimming beside it and all the dying stars come alive.. so I have to reconsider that too.. the video chat people taught me a lesson... they told me about amfibian people and aliens, Jews etc.. I dont believe in that stuff but one quote Terence McKenna said is that "No one is in control" and even if there was, quantum entanglement theory or the split experiment suggest that all subjective experiences change each other.. we cant be considered as particles but a collection of them..

I'm a good person but I think I'm too scared to fight for what I believe in - Which is nothing.. yet it cant be nothing so I have to chose to grow on the antipsychotics until my clean slate from childhood and the bad trip have been painted on a little bit more.. enough to form a pattern.. instead of just little patterns... that's why I cant talk.. that's why a baby can't talk yet.. and longer for people with autism.. so am I really autistic?

Its morning so my cat is running around.. poor cat.. shes scared cuz the other cat torments here.. (Wow a good sentence).. I must be at least a bit better.. the zopiclone and Zyprexa are sedating. It's a huge relief. I could write forever.. I'd love to be a writer because I'd be good it.

Have a nice morning all...