Roll Call 167 :)

Sorry, it was a poorly engineered paragraph.

First, over the course of 1-2 months, he went down on Zyprexa without making any other changes at the same time.

Second, he reduced the Klonopin gradually with no other changes at the same time.

Third, he lowered the Abilify by half. This coincided with no other changes, either.

Hopefully that made more sense.

Morning

Kinda tired but fine otherwise. Just frustrated with this bank stuff.

Well I never thought I was God, but I can send you a zap of Shaman energy, lol. Sorry had to go there....

Omg I truly thought today was Wednesday or Thursday. It’s Friday...yikes.

Well, look, I do not like armchari quarterbacking, but I cannot hear that and not say--that sounds like too many changes in too short a time to me. There is no way to sort out which change is doing which thing if they are all kinbd of occurring at the same basic time frame. It is why we are told to only make a single move at a time, unless there is some massive emergency. I do not understand that pdoc's thinking t all. Sorry.

I will be waiting for that, Sometimes...

I’m sending hugs

Makes sense.

Personally I wish he hadn't made so many changes either... The result of today's appointment was to increase Abilify to 30mg (what I had been on before) and go back onto Klonopin (surprise... Which I had been on before).

It honestly kind of makes me mad that he just goes in one direction just to go back in the other. Meaning that I might look for a new pdoc. Hm. It's just too much emotional strain on me.

Not gonna have mind rests anymore cuz it prolongs my wakefulness. Took a temazepam at 3am and woke up at 9:30am, had a lot of REM sleep until 12pm.

I just wasn't ready to stay awake for another 28 hours. But maybe I will starting today if I don't sleep. Hopefully it will be 12am by the time I need another mind rest - Where I can sneak in a sleep attempt.

Drank coffee, chewing nicotine gum. Deciding on what to do today. No psychosis, anxiety, depression, etc..

I'll try to make this a good day. Hope everyone has a good day too.

Drank coffee and still took a nap. Hm.

I shouldn’t be bored, IMO, but I am.

I haven’t worked on my book at all. Nor my audio book.

I am just stressed from grad school. Honestly I want to quit.

I can only imagine how hard it must be. I know SP probably has some good advice. Sorry you are so stressed. I am in college right now but only am an undergrad.

Got my coffee and vape next me, and I’m working on my book

I had the cake wotk yoday. But i had to teach a guy how to roll ceilings and cut them in with a brush. It was a good id day though.

Masters or PhD?

Masters right now

Can you reduce your course load? I opted to take only 1 course for summer but then they give us 5.5 years to finish if we want.

I feel like I'm in hell

Hugs...what’s going on?

Didn't get lab work done today, the PHP nurse called me 30 mins ago and said I was officially in the REMS program so I'll do lab work monday and then get the script when the labs come back

Yeah the thing is that I could reduce what courses I'm doing right now but then I'd have to make them up in 2022 because that's when these courses are offered next. Which isn't the end of the world... The way my program works is that there's only one course at a time. But I have two to finish that I didn't complete last year so maybe I could work on those in this time if I take this time off.

I think I'm having cabin fever. I could do multiple things but I can't decide. I feel alone. My mom is working and she comes home stressed. I feel bad for bringing up the past and telling her to stop drinking and being herself. Now it's like she hates me and doesn't want to cook dinner. I told her that I want to learn how so I can move out - But I'm scared to move out. I feel safe here.

It's really complicated to me. I want to phone my therapist today but I don't know what to say. I don't know what is wrong with me. I can't just be happy where I am now and do things. I need constant inspiration - And the inspiration I get sometimes scares me.

I care too much about what other people think. I'm scared of the economy getting worse and all of the uncertainty. I can't focus. I just want to read or something - But I have so much uncertainty - Like I don't know much about the world and everyone seems like they do.

I missed my opportunity to grow mentally as a person when I was isolated, sleeping, helping suicidal people online, doing mindless tasks and working as a mechanic and welder. It was all for nothing. It's like I had no mind - I didn't see life like I do now. I wasted time.

Every song I listen to is horrible. I just want to go somewhere or distract myself away from my room or this house. I'm scared of being unwell and going insane like I was at the end of the injection.

I took an extra vyvanse and more phenibut so if that helps, I'll have to see my psychiatrist so she can prescribe something that can balance my brain chemicals.

I don't feel like exercising cuz I feel like I'd be wasting time. I'm too aware of everything like I just came out of a 20 year long fog.

I'm not happy or content. I'm miserable. I feel like I'm sane and everyone else is insane.. Like everything is just a bunch of pictures and everything is in my imagination - It's spiralling down a dark hole to hell.

I'm gonna phone my therapist to connect with my psychiatrist so I can go back to the hospital for her to treat me - But in the none acute ward.

I phoned my therapist and left her a message.

I'm very unhappy and scared.

But at the same time, it's all good. Maybe I'm just freaking out. 1-2 weeks ago, I was on a schizophrenia facebook group and the owner was like "No one is better than anyone else" - I wrote a message in psychosis and I got banned without "without warning".

So I just think about people thinking they are better than others and it spirals down to uniqueness, people defining themselves by not getting better with schizophrenia, the fact that I think I can cure it - Due to my solipsism or optimism, the race thing and jordan peterson followers stating facts and people being held responsible for things that happened before they were born, the left, how it relates to creative genius and no common sense, people talking to me about things I don't agree with yet want to be their friend so I don't defend myself and instead keep the peace - Like how I was with my moms ex bf, her new bf's, the video chat people and my identity, not being able to reassure myself, the confusion, the high school conspiracy friend that deleted me for making fun of anti-vaxxers, me not giving a **** about vaccinations, making fun of the virus, swirling around a vortex of news and media and propaganda and wanting to read history books, not being taught science in school but having to learn about religion and irish history - It's all ****ed.