Roll Call 167 :)

First, I think it's just the general sense of nihilism I have. I can't get anywhere in life because of this nihilism.

I also have doubts about everything. I wish I didn't have to experience all this stuff during covid-19. I guess it all sort of culminated this year with me having an existential crisis.

People, including my therapist, are helping me try to find meaning.

However, it's very, very hard for me to find meaning in life right now.

I don't know if it's because of the meds or what.

I kind of just feel like I'm going through the motions.

As something I'll add: the only thing right now giving me meaning is music. I love music.

Have you read Man's Search For Meaning? You can do it in a night. It tends to put this type of stuff into pretty good perspective for most people.

Finding meaning, suffering, awareness, enjoyment/happiness, nihilism, God, Yin Yang, change, rules and consequences, "I", life, love, hate, etc..

Philosophy! "Love of Wisdom"....

It's getting too psycHOTic in here... We need to cool it down.. Lol..

I love you all. But I think I've cracked.

The scientific community and spirituality need to combine. They will combine.

Gonna take an olanzepine and go to sleep.

Just started it haha. It's good stuff

confirmed with the lab they wrote the wrong order, called the clinic and they're gonna try to fix it.

Started the metformin today

I'm saving to buy an iPhone XS max. Right now I have a 5 SE. So that will be a major upgrade

ok lol apparently the lab test is right, the clinic nurse called the lab and talked to the director and the test does everything it's supposed to

Glad you got it figured out

They’re not really distinct, most scientists don’t have a problem also believing in God.....but it’s usually for weird reasons like how water is.....if water didn’t hydrogen bond it would behave totally differently and if ice didn’t float then the planet would be a frozen wasteland.

Have you communicated your needs to the people who would normally give you attention or taken steps to get more positive attention because that’s the best kind...

I'm trying to. Sometimes my parents (I live with my parents right now) aren't very receptive if I complain about things to them. So it's tough.

That is why I'm trying to be more independent, getting a job and such.

Grad school helps in the long term for job prospects. Not in the short-term though.

I am just pretty isolated and need more people to talk to I guess. It's kind of a challenge.

Do you hang out with the other grad students?

Here is the major, major problem (in my view).

My graduate program is in Argentina.

I am in the States now.

I didn't have much contact except in class with the grad students before even when I was in Argentina.

I've been isolated for like two years.

My parents don't understand and just want me to get the damned degree.

This is about the most isolated I've ever felt in my life though.

So I not only physically cannot hang out with the grad students in my class (because they're in a different country), but also I wouldn't ordinarily hang out with them anyway unless it's a day we have class. We only have class one day a week.

Wow. Saying all this really makes me want to quit.

On top of that, school is on Saturday for 8 hours straight on Zoom. Talk about awful.

Moreover, I have to get up at 6am where I live to make class on time.

On top of that, they haven't given me the grades in all of the classes I've done well in and passed.

I just really, really want to quit. The isolation stuff is really getting to me.

Not feeling well. Sassy going to the vet today. I feel tired and rundown. In the beginning phase of delusional thoughts. Voices come and go, and I keep hearing sirens and I don’t think they are there. I keep hearing police sirens.

Aha!......

What's the deal with the grades? What about transferring to a school closer to home?

Finally got out on the bike yesterday. Made myself do it. Did not enjoy it and yawned the whole 90 minutes. But I did it. Sometimes, to break out of a funk or whatever, I just have to make myself do the things I really, really do not want to do.

Maybe go again today. Hope I can write a little, too.

Hope everyone is hanging in there!!

Ok so take the needed steps to become less isolated....the other grad students are off the table but you can still make friends other ways. I met one long term friend on Craigslist which can be a little dicey but now a lot of dating apps have friend finders as well....although people can be weird about if they want to date you and you’re only looking for friends. The classic way if you’re not into the tech is to join an activity, maybe a painting or poetry class at a local community college or your cities recreation center. Join a sport or meetup group. Goto a coffee shop or grocery store and talk to people waiting in line if they haven’t pulled out their phones yet. As a person with social anxiety I can say that none of these things are easy for me but I’ve done them all. Finding friends is incredibly valuable even if you only find one.

I do think you should get the degree but only because you’ll be ahead of the game when you’re done. 8 hours of zoom sounds crazy to me tbh.

Whats tge difference between snapcgat and instagram?